Starting Over 35A / 42
Chapter Thirty-Five
Dr Seton wasn’t quite what Lee had expected. Not that he’d ever met a psychiatrist before, but he’d pictured someone who was all bright smiles and touchy-feely. Instead he was faced with a sharp-eyed middle-aged woman who greeted him briskly and told him to take a seat.
He certainly hadn’t expected her to take one look at him and start chuckling.
“Relax, Lieutenant. Anyone would think you were facing a firing squad.”
Lee looked up to see that her dark eyes were warm with amusement.
“Maybe I’d rather be,” he muttered, relaxing slightly despite himself. At least she had a sense of humour.
Dr Seton settled back in her chair, raising her eyebrows. “Really? I was under the impression that you’d voluntarily agreed to see me.”
Lee’s mouth twisted. “If by ‘voluntarily’ you mean ‘because my father backed me into a corner’, then yes.”
The doctor laughed outright this time. “I imagine the admiral is very good at backing people into corners.”
“Yes. But I usually manage to wriggle out of them and get away. Years of practice.” Lee grinned.
“So why didn’t you this time?”
The doctor’s eyes fixed on his face, suddenly piercing, and Lee blinked. “What?”
“Why did you let him talk you into seeing me?”
Lee took a deep breath and decided to be honest. “Because I need to start flying again. We need every pilot we have.”
“And you feel while you’re grounded you’re letting your crewmates down?”
Lee nodded.
Dr Seton tapped her fingers against the edge of her desk, looking at him thoughtfully. “In that case, why did your father need to persuade you to see me?”
Lee stared at her, knocked off balance yet again. This conversation wasn’t going at all as he had expected. “I don’t understand.”
“If you’re so determined to get back on duty, I’d have thought you’d welcome anything that would help you to do that. Even seeing me.” She smiled ruefully. “So why didn’t you?”
“Because I don’t need help,” Lee retorted without thinking. Dr Seton raised her eyebrows again, and he flushed, suddenly realising how rude that had sounded. “I mean - I’ve been dealing with this for years on my own without any problems.”
“Without any problems,” repeated the doctor reflectively. “So how is it that you ended up having a panic attack in your viper that was so severe you didn’t even notice you were being attacked by a Cylon raider?”
Lee glared at her, effectively silenced.
Dr Seton smiled calmly. “I’m just curious.”
“It’s never been that bad before,” he muttered, staring at his feet.
“If it’s getting worse, then maybe you do need some help.” Lee didn’t answer. “Look, Lieutenant, let’s try it this way. I’ll tell you what I can do to help you, and then you can decide if you want that help. Okay?”
Lee took a deep breath and looked up at her. She was watching him calmly, without a hint of pity, and he relaxed slightly. “Okay.”
“First, I’d help you to learn more about your symptoms,” said the doctor quietly. “Do you understand what causes a panic attack?”
Lee shook his head.
“When you’re faced with what you see as a threatening situation, your body’s natural reaction is to produce adrenalin for a ‘fight or flight’ reaction. Adrenalin causes your breathing and heart-rate to speed up, and your muscles to tense - all the symptoms you’ve been experiencing. In a panic attack these normal responses are exaggerated, and if you don’t understand what’s happening the symptoms only get worse as you get more agitated.”
Lee nodded. He vaguely remembered Cottle saying something similar to him in life station, but he’d been in too much turmoil to listen at that point. “So what’s the treatment?”
“The first aspect is to teach you to recognise the physical and mental signs of an attack and use relaxation strategies to deal with them. It should help you to feel more in control of the situation and decrease the severity of the attacks. The second aspect of the treatment is gradual exposure to the situation that triggers the attacks. Facing it with support until you learn to control your body’s reaction.” Dr Seton looked at Lee enquiringly. “How does that sound?”
“It makes sense,” he said cautiously. He’d been half expecting her to drown him in psychobabble, or tell him this was all due to childhood issues, or say that he just needed to buck up and get over it, but this…this sounded sensible. Logical, even. He liked the part about regaining control. In some ways that was the worst part of all this, that he’d lost control on that last CAP and acted so irrationally.
“So shall we try it?” There was no pressure at all in the doctor’s voice.
Lee took a deep breath. “All right.”
“Good.” She smiled at him warmly. “There’s nothing wrong in accepting help, Lieutenant Adama. Everyone needs it at some point in their lives.”
Lee shifted uncomfortably in his seat, unsure how to reply. “Shall we get started?”
The doctor chuckled again. “Patience, Lieutenant. It’s not like I can just wave a magic wand and fix this, you know. But there are a few questions I would like to ask you.”
Lee found himself tensing, much to his annoyance. “Like what?”
“Well, for a start, I need to know what exactly it is that triggers your panic attacks. Dr Cottle’s notes were rather vague on that point.”
Lee found himself staring at the floor again. “It’s flying.”
“Yes, but what exactly is it about the experience of flying that makes you nervous?” Her voice was surprisingly gentle. “Is it the speed? The danger of Cylon attack? The isolation? I can’t help you unless you tell me.”
Lee knew she was right. “None of those.”
“What is it, then?”
He forced himself to push the words out. “I’m afraid of losing oxygen. Of suffocating.”
There. He’d said it. He’d never admitted it to anyone before.
“Does that feel better?”
He looked up at the doctor in surprise. “Yes.” It did. Getting it out in words made him feel as if a weight had been lifted slightly off his chest. “I didn’t think it would.”
“Speaking your fear aloud often makes it seem more manageable.” She smiled at him. “So have you always had this fear of suffocating? Do you know what triggered it?”
Lee nodded. His throat felt suddenly tight. “It was nearly ten years ago. I…was out in a spacesuit, and I ran out of oxygen. I nearly died.”
Gods, he really didn’t want to talk about this. For a moment he was tempted to get up and walk out. Every muscle in his body tensed, ready to run.
But Dr Seton just nodded. “So after that you were afraid it would happen again.”
“Yes.”
“That’s a very normal reaction to have.” Lee blinked at her, and she smiled. “Many people might have decided never to go into space again.”
So she wasn’t going to push him for details. Lee relaxed again. “Well, being on a large spaceship doesn’t bother me.”
“But small ones do?”
He nodded. “On a small ship it’s harder to ignore the fact that there’s only a layer of metal protecting you from the vacuum. I used to hate shuttle trips.”
Dr Seton looked intrigued. She glanced down at some papers on her desk. “But aren’t you a licensed shuttle pilot?”
“That’s why I became one.” He smiled ruefully. “Pilots get to wear flightsuits. Extra layer of protection. And I decided that if I was going to risk my life in a shuttle, I’d rather be the one calling the shots.”
“So you could control the situation.”
“I suppose so, yes.” He’d never really thought of it that way before.
The doctor smiled. “See, you’ve been using coping strategies already.” She moved aside a piece of paper. “And then you volunteered to become a viper pilot. An even smaller ship.”
“Well, they needed volunteers, and I had the skills.”
“It still must have been difficult.” She was watching him closely.
“Yes, but…but I wanted to do it. I’ve dreamed of flying a viper ever since I was a kid. And finally getting to do that…” Lee found himself grinning at the memory. “It was…everything I’d thought it would be. Exciting, exhilarating…magical, in a way.” He saw the amused smile on her face and shrugged, slightly embarrassed by his enthusiasm. “I don’t really know how to describe it. Let’s just say it’s worth a little…discomfort.”
“So that’s how you’d describe it? Discomfort?”
“Yes. I admit I was uncomfortable, got tense and nervous sometimes, but I always managed to deal with it, until…until what happened with the Blackbird.” He found himself tensing up again.
“Oh, yes. Dr Cottle told me a little about that. What happened?”
“The Blackbird was destroyed and I had to eject. Wait for a raptor to pick me up.”
“So you were dependent on other people to get you out of the situation. You weren’t in control.”
“I suppose. And then I found a leak in my suit…and it’s all a bit hazy after that. I’m not sure what…by the time they found me I’d run out of air. They had to resuscitate me.” Lee stopped, not really wanting to get into details.
“I see.” The doctor looked at him blandly. “Sounds similar to the incident that started your problems in the first place.”
“It was,” he said tightly.
“Do you think that’s why the severity of your attacks suddenly escalated?”
Lee nodded. He hesitated, and then forced himself to ask the question he feared the most. “Do you think I’ll ever be able to fly a viper again?”
Dr Seton didn’t reply for a moment. She scanned his face, and smiled slightly. “You really want to, don’t you? Not just because it’s your duty. You love flying.”
“Yes.”
Her smile widened. “Good, because that’s a better motivation for you to beat this than all the obligation and duty in the world.”
“But do you think I can do it?” He tried not to sound too desperate.
“You’ve certainly got the determination. Everything you’ve said to me today shows that.” She looked at him gravely. “I can’t make any promises, Lieutenant. But I’ll do my best to help you.”
He sighed and sat back in his chair, feeling hopeful for the first time since he’d been grounded. “Thank you, doctor. And my name’s Lee.”
----
“You want me to investigate Fisk’s death?” Zak looked at his father in surprise. “Wouldn’t it be better to have someone from the Pegasus do it?”
Bill shook his head. “Even though Cain is gone, her influence lingers. I need someone I can trust.”
Something warmed inside Zak at the words. Was that his father’s way of saying that the mutiny incident was firmly in the past, that all was well between them again? It felt like it.
He smiled at Bill, and when his father smiled back he knew he was right. “I’ll get over to Pegasus, see what I can find out.” Zak paused. “Would you mind if I involved Lee?”
“Lee?” Bill sounded surprised.
“Two pairs of eyes are better than one, and he’s got a lot of contacts in the civilian fleet, if the trail leads there. Besides…I think it would help him at the moment. Stop him brooding over being grounded.”
Bill sighed, worry spreading across his face. “You’re probably right. At least he’s going to see that shrink. I just hope she can help him. Has he said anything to you about how their sessions are going?”
Zak shook his head. “But the fact he’s still going to them is a good sign, I think.”
He left his father’s quarters and went to look for Lee, but his brother proved hard to find. His search eventually led him to Kara’s office, although he wasn’t expecting Lee to be there. His brother and Kara didn’t seem to be spending much time together these days, which pleased and worried Zak in equal measure. Given what he knew about Lee’s feelings for Kara, he thought any distance between them was a good thing, but at the same time he didn’t like to speculate on what might have caused them to suddenly avoid each other like this. He was afraid he was better off not knowing.
Kara was busy, and grumpy at being interrupted, but she did have the information he was after.
“Lee? He’s on Cloud Nine seeing that shrink.” She frowned. “He seems to be spending every spare minute he has over there at the moment. I’m sure he can’t need that much therapy.”
Zak looked at her speculatively, wondering why she sounded quite so irritated. He considered his next words carefully. “I think Lee’s discovered other attractions on Cloud Nine.”
Kara’s eyes sharpened immediately. “What do you mean?”
Zak had been debating whether or not to tell her this, but something in her voice made him certain he should. “I mean Lee’s seeing a woman on Cloud Nine.”
Kara stared at him for a moment, her face suddenly blank. “Really? I didn’t know that.” She started straightening the papers on her desk.
“Yes. He met her that evening we went drinking there with Emma, and since then he’s been seeing her regularly. Must be getting serious.”
“Must be.” Kara’s hands were still busily stacking her papers.
“Well, I say good for him,” said Zak, watching her intently. “It’s about time Lee found some happiness, don’t you think?”
“Yes.” Kara raised her head abruptly. “Zak, I don’t mean to be rude, but I’ve really got to finish these reports. Could we talk later?”
“Sure,” he said evenly. “I’ll see you at dinner?”
She nodded. Zak left, closing the hatch behind him, and tried to ignore the suspicion gnawing at the corners of his mind and the sick feeling in his stomach.
----
Lee finished dressing hurriedly. “I’m sorry, I have to go. If I hold up the raptor I’ll be in trouble.”
“Well, I wouldn’t want that.” Shevon smiled, pulling on a blue robe. “I’m going to have to ask for an extra hundred, though. Since you spent the night.”
“Oh. Yes, of course.” Lee searched for his wallet. He should have got used to this by now, but it still felt awkward. The harsh reminder that this was nothing more than a transaction between them. Part of him was still embarrassed by it, felt as if he should be ashamed of himself for settling for this false intimacy.
But then he had no real desire for anything more. The only woman he wanted was out of his reach, and all he’d be doing at the moment with anyone else was using them to forget her. At least with Shevon he didn’t have to feel guilty about the fact that every time they were together he was imagining she was someone else. He was paying her; he could imagine whatever he liked. And the escape she provided, the physical release, enabled him to carry on with his life on Galactica; to watch Kara with Zak every day without blinking.
“Thanks,” said Shevon, as he passed over the money. “And for the antibiotics. I can’t tell you how grateful I am for those.”
Lee shrugged it off. “Least I could do. I just hope they do the trick.” He glanced towards the other room, where Shevon’s daughter slept.
“I think they will. I checked in on Paya while you were sleeping, and the fever seemed to have gone down already.” The relief was clear in Shevon’s voice.
“I have to go.” Lee tied the laces on his boots and stood up. “I’ll be back when I can.”
“I know.” Shevon stepped forward and kissed his cheek. “Goodbye, Lee.”
----
Kara finished a meeting with the admiral, and decided to pop into her bunkroom to change before going to her office. Her blues felt stuffy and constricting, and if she was going to be stuck in her office for the rest of the day, she wanted to be comfortable.
She’d expected the bunkroom to be empty, but Lee was down at the far end, changing from civilian clothes into his uniform.
Kara tensed at the sight. That meant he’d just come back from Cloud Nine.
Zak’s words were still echoing in her head, much to her annoyance. Why should she care if Lee was seeing someone? She should be pleased. It only made it easier to keep her distance from him, two barriers instead of one. It even meant that maybe there was no need for the distance, that their shared kiss hadn’t meant much to him after all…
“Do you want something, Starbuck? Or are you just trying to glare a hole into my skull?”
She jumped, suddenly realising she had been standing still staring at Lee for the last few minutes. Gods, what is wrong with you, Kara? Acting like a lovesick idiot…
Lee was looking at her with slight amusement. It made her feel vulnerable, and she attacked instinctively.
“Actually, I was amazed by the fact of your presence. It’s so rare these days.” Damn, that was still too revealing. “Being grounded isn’t an excuse to slack off and disappear to Cloud Nine, Apollo.”
That struck home, she saw with relief. His face darkened with annoyance. “I’m not slacking off. You know I was ordered to see the psychiatrist.”
“Rumour has it that seeing the shrink isn’t all you’re doing there.” The words tumbled out before she could stop them. “Or is regular frakking part of your therapy?”
Oh, frak. Frak. Why did I say that?
She could see that Lee was struggling to keep his temper. “That’s none of your business,” he said finally, control straining with every word. He bundled up his clothes and turned to put them away in his locker.
“No, it’s not,” she said sarcastically. “Because I’m just the CAG and you’re just a pilot.”
Lee slammed his locker door shut, so hard that the whole row of lockers shook. He swung round to face her, eyes blazing.
“What the hell do you want from me, Kara?”
Everything. I want everything…but she couldn’t say that. Didn’t have the right to say that. So she forced out the words she knew she had to say.
“Nothing, Lee. Not a thing.”
“That’s what I thought,” said Lee coldly. His eyes were harder than she had ever seen them. “So stay the frak out of my life, Kara. You’ve been doing a pretty good job of it so far.”
He stalked out before she could reply. Kara sank down on her rack, her legs trembling.
What had possessed her to say all that? She buried her face in her hands, cringing with embarrassment. He was completely right, it was none of her business…but it felt like it was. Some secret part of her felt like Lee belonged to her, even though he didn’t. And the thought of him sleeping with someone else, maybe even loving someone else, hurt unbearably. She knew it was unfair and illogical to feel so jealous when she had been the one to push him away, but she didn’t care.
It was just…she missed him so much. She hadn’t thought it would be this hard, ending their friendship. After all, she’d only known him for a few months; she’d thought she’d soon adjust back to life without him.
But it hadn’t worked out like that. Her mind kept betraying her; every time something amusing happened she’d imagine his reaction to it, every time she had a problem her first instinct was to ask his advice. Running was a chore without him to compete against; even triad wasn’t the same without those blue eyes challenging her across the table. She hadn’t realised how thoroughly he’d worked his way into her life; and now everything seemed grey and flat without him.
Being with Zak wasn’t the same. His laid-back attitude was one of the things that had first attracted her to him. She’d been tired of men trying to compete with her, and she’d liked that Zak didn’t try, that he just sat back and left her to it, watching with an appreciative smile. But now…now she wished he would at least try to keep pace with her, give her a challenge to push off, to spur her on…like Lee did.
She shook the thought away, annoyed with herself. There was no point in this wishful thinking. She’d chosen Zak, refused to let him down, and that meant she had to stay away from Lee. However hard it was.
Gods, she needed a drink.
----
“How’s the investigation going?” asked Bill. “What have you turned up?”
“Fisk was definitely involved in the black market,” said Zak.
“Well, practically everyone in the fleet is to some extent,” said Lee. He shifted uncomfortably, thinking of the antibiotics he’d got for Shevon. But that had been different. Her daughter had been ill, and he hadn’t been able to see a child suffer and not try to help.
“Well, Fisk was in deeper than most,” said Zak. “His personal log shows that he was rerouting supply runs, on- and off-loading freighters without command authorization. He raided the McConnell and at least a dozen other ships in the last week.”
“So, you think his activities in the black market led to his murder,” said Bill thoughtfully.
Zak nodded. “Maybe he got greedy and tried to double-cross one of his suppliers.”
“It’s a plausible theory. And it would explain the cubits Cottle found in Fisk’s mouth.” Bill frowned. “Still doesn’t tell us who did it though.” He looked at Lee. “Unless you’ve got any contacts who might know something?”
“I might have, but I don’t know if they’ll be willing to talk,” said Lee bluntly. “Not now I’ve turned out to be the admiral’s son. But I’ll do my best.”
Bill nodded. “Keep me informed.”
It was a clear dismissal, and the brothers turned to leave.
“Lee, hold on a moment.”
Lee turned, surprised at the use of his first name. “Yes, sir?”
His father was looking slightly awkward. “I was just wondering how your sessions with Dr Seton were going.”
Lee stared at him for a moment, and then hurried to reply. “They’re going well actually.” As promised, she’d been teaching him calming techniques to deal with the symptoms of his attacks, and he felt he was making progress. “Thanks for asking.”
Bill nodded. “Well…keep me informed.”
Lee found himself smiling. His father couldn’t help sounding formal and military even when he was trying not to. “I will.”
He left Bill’s quarters still smiling. It was good to know that his father was concerned about him.
Suddenly he heard himself paged over the intercom. He had a priority ship-to-ship call from Cloud Nine.
Lee hurried to find a phone. It must be Shevon, but why would she be contacting him so urgently? He hoped nothing had happened to Paya.
----
Zak was doing the rounds of the bars on Cloud Nine, asking if anyone had seen Fisk recently. He knew it was a long shot, but he didn’t have any other ideas, and it was worth a try.
He’d just drawn a blank in the fourth bar when one of the ship’s security guards stopped him in the corridor. “You’re Captain Adama, aren’t you?”
“Yes.”
The guard smiled. “Thought so. I remember you from when you ran the security for the Quorum meeting.”
Zak blinked at the memory. That seemed so long ago, like years instead of months. “Can I help you?”
“Actually, I think it might be the other way around,” said the guard, his smile fading. “I just heard a report over my comms about a Lieutenant Adama being attacked on L deck. Isn’t that your brother?”
“Yes,” said Zak anxiously. “Is he okay?”
“Well enough to call for help,” said the guard simply. “You want me to take you down there?”
“Thanks,” said Zak absently, following the guard. His brain was whirling as he tried to work out what could have happened to Lee. He hadn’t even realised his brother was on Cloud Nine. “I haven’t been to L deck before.”
The guard smiled wryly. “Not many visitors have. It’s one of the…more disreputable parts of the ship.”
----
Down on L deck, the guard passed Zak over to a security officer with an air of brisk authority.
“How’s my brother?” Zak demanded, almost before the guard had finished introducing him.
The security officer looked Zak over appraisingly. “He’ll be fine. Someone half strangled him and knocked him out, but he’ll live. Unlike the guy we found in the room with him.”
“What?” Zak stared at him. “What exactly happened?”
“That’s what I’d like to know,” said the other man curtly. “I’ll tell you what I’ve put together so far. This room belongs to a Shevon Hallett, she’s one of the local hookers. Less trouble than some of them, but she has a kid, which probably accounts for it. Your brother came to visit her - he’s been a regular visitor for a while, according to the neighbours. His story is that two men broke in and attacked him. When he woke up the woman and the kid were gone, and there was a dead man in the room with him.”
His tone made Zak stiffen. He looked at the man warily. “You sound like you don’t believe him.”
The security officer shrugged. “I didn’t say that. But I don’t think he’s telling me the whole truth, either. I’m hoping you can get more out of him.” He waved a hand towards the door of the cabin.
Zak went in. Two more security men were bending over a body sprawled not far from the door. Lee was leaning against the far wall, watching them with a frown. There was a set to his jaw and a look in his eyes that made Zak tense instinctively, as various unpleasant memories rushed into his head. He knew that expression all too well. It meant something had happened to push Lee into abandoning his usual caution; and when his brother did something reckless, he didn’t do it by halves.
“Lee,” he said urgently, as if he could pull Lee out of that mood just by saying his name. “Are you all right?”
“Zak?” Lee looked up, and Zak gasped as he saw an angry red line running around his brother’s throat. The man outside hadn’t been kidding about the strangling. “I’m fine.”
“You sure?” Zak took a step forward, staring at the mark. “It looks like someone wanted to send you the same way as Fisk.”
Lee shook his head, a bitter smile curving his lips. “No, this was just a warning. Otherwise they’d have finished the job.”
“A warning about what?”
“To stop investigating Fisk’s death. They even presented me with the killer,” said Lee harshly, nodding towards the body on the floor. “Left complete with garrotte.”
Zak turned to stare at the body. “You think he really is the killer?”
Lee laughed shortly. “Oh, yes. I’m sure that guy’s prints will match with the ones we found in Fisk’s quarters. They want this case closed, Zak.”
“They? You mean the people who run the black market?”
Lee nodded. “One guy in particular. He had a little chat with me while his thug was strangling me. Told me to stop asking questions about Fisk, let it go. Or…” For the first time his voice faltered slightly. “Or he’d kill Shevon and her daughter. He took them, Zak.”
Zak watched his brother cautiously. He felt as if Lee might explode at any minute. “Shevon’s the woman you’ve been seeing here.”
“Yes.”
“The man outside said she was a hooker.”
Lee turned to look at him, mouth set hard. “Yes.”
“Lee-”
“Don’t!” Lee snapped. “Don’t look at me like that, Zak.”
“But I don’t understand. I’d never thought you’d-”
“Of course you don’t understand,” Lee’s voice had a jagged edge to it that made Zak step backwards. “Not you with your cosy little relationship. Well, not all of us are as lucky as you are, Zak. We have to take what we can get, and don’t you dare judge me for it.”
Zak took a deep breath. This conversation was straying into dangerous territory; he could almost see Kara’s name hanging in the air. He put up his hands appeasingly, hoping to calm Lee down. “Lee, I didn’t mean-”
Lee cut him off. “I don’t have time for this.” He pushed away from the wall. “I have to find Shevon and Paya. I’m not going to leave them in the hands of that bastard Phelan.”
“Phelan?”
“One of my contacts came through with some information about the black market,” said Lee impatiently. “I saw him on my way down here. The big deals are brokered by an ex-mercenary called Phelan, and the description he gave me matches the man who threatened me. Apparently he operates off a freighter called Prometheus. That’ll be where he’s taken Shevon and Paya.”
He started to stalk past Zak, but Zak stopped him with a firm grip on his arm. “Lee, wait a moment.”
Lee glared at him. “Don’t get in my way, Zak.” He struggled to pull his arm free, but Zak held tight.
“Lee, think for a minute! You can’t go charging in there on your own. You’ll only end up getting yourself killed.”
“I’m not abandoning them, Zak,” Lee said furiously. “They only got into this mess because of me.”
“You can’t go in there alone.”
“Well, what else do you suggest I do? Take a team of marines?” Lee pulled his arm free, eyes blazing. “They’d kill Shevon and Paya the moment we landed.”
“I’m not - for frak’s sake, Lee, will you just listen!” Zak yelled, his patience finally snapping.
Lee stepped back in surprise. The stubborn look in his eyes faded slightly, and Zak seized the opportunity. “If you’re determined to go there, at least plan it properly, and take some back-up.”
“Back-up? You?” Lee seemed to be finally listening, and Zak sighed in relief.
“Of course me,” he said with fond exasperation. “You really think I’d let you do this alone?”
Continued in Chapter 35B