Promises 8 / 17
Chapter Eight
Lee was so absorbed in his thoughts that he didn’t realise someone was climbing up to the lookout until they were nearly at the top.
Glancing down, he saw to his relief that it was only Cally, but he gave himself a mental kick. What if it had been a Cylon? He couldn’t allow himself to get distracted like that.
He wasn’t too surprised to see Cally; he’d been expecting her to visit at some point during the night. She looked different, he realised absently; her eyes were brighter than usual and there was a determined set to her chin that he hadn’t seen since before her imprisonment.
It usually took her some time to start talking, but that was different tonight too. She fixed him with a fierce stare and spoke immediately.
“I’m not going to abandon my baby, Lee.”
He took a careful breath, slightly taken aback. “Is anyone asking you to?”
“Galen is.”
“I can’t believe that,” said Lee, meaning it. Tyrol wasn’t that kind of man. “He’d never just abandon your daughter, Cally, you know that.”
“Oh, he’s not going to abandon her,” said Cally bitterly. “Just me. He wants me to get on the first raptor back to the fleet, keep out of harm’s way.”
“Oh.” Lee could understand Tyrol’s feelings, although he wasn’t about to say so. “It’s only because he’s worried about you-”
“I know!” snapped Cally impatiently. She paced over to the edge of the platform.
“I’m sure Tyrol will look for the baby-”
“No, he won’t.” Cally turned back to face him, her voice hollow. “Oh, he says he will, and I’m sure he means to. But how is he going to do that and carry out his part in the rescue mission?” She stared at Lee challengingly. “Tell me!”
“Not easily,” Lee admitted.
“It’ll come down to a choice between looking for her and his duty to take care of his people, and he’ll choose them,” said Cally flatly.
“Cally-”
“Oh, I’m not blaming him, Lee,” she said. “It’s the way he’s made. I wouldn’t love him if he were different. I know if he had no other demands on him, he’d spend every moment we have left here looking for her. But he does have other duties, and I don’t. So I have to be the one who goes looking for her.”
“I know,” said Lee. They’d talked about this before.
She walked closer, so she could see his face clearly. “And will you still help?”
Lee thought for a moment. He should probably refuse. Looking for the baby would be dangerous. Tyrol was right; it probably would be better if Cally went back to the fleet. He knew any of the others would say he shouldn’t help her.
But-
But this was Cally’s decision to make, no-one else’s. This was what she needed to do, and who was he to say she was wrong, or try to stop her? Looking into her eyes now, he was abruptly aware that if she didn’t do this, didn’t do anything she could to find her baby, the guilt and regret would consume her for the rest of her life.
He knew all about that.
“Yes, I’ll help,” he said, holding her eyes firmly. “I said I would.”
Cally stared at him for a moment, and then nodded. Some of the tension seemed to drain out of her body. “Then we need to go. Soon.”
“I know. I just need the entry codes from Felix. I’ll get them tomorrow, and then we can leave.”
“Good.” For the first time Cally’s voice trembled slightly. “I can’t just wait here any longer, Lee. It’s killing me.”
“I know.” He found himself reaching out, putting a hand on her shoulder. She looked up at him in surprise. “The waiting will be over soon, Cally. I promise.”
----
A few minutes later Lee heard the familiar creak of the rope ladder.
“Sounds like we’ve got company,” he said to Cally, who looked as irritated as he felt.
“We’ll have to make our plans later.”
Cally nodded just as an all too familiar blonde head appeared over the edge of the platform.
Lee groaned inwardly. He should have guessed.
“Lee, I need to-” Kara broke off as she spotted Cally. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
“You weren’t,” said Cally brusquely. “I was just leaving.”
“You don’t have to go,” said Lee quickly, hoping she wouldn’t leave him alone with Kara. There was a determined look in her eyes that he didn’t like.
“Yes, I do.” Cally sent him an incredulous look that showed she’d recognised the expression on Kara’s face too. She knew better than to get between Starbuck and Apollo when storm clouds were hovering. “I need some sleep. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, Lee?”
“Yes - and Cally?” She turned to look at him and he smiled, trying to make it as reassuring as possible. “I won’t forget my promise.”
“Good.” She smiled slightly before she climbed down the ladder.
Lee took a deep breath, bracing himself before he turned to Kara.
“What do you want?” he asked, trying to sound as indifferent as he could.
His tone only made Kara’s face tighten in annoyance. “I want to talk to you. You can’t avoid me forever, Lee.”
“I wasn’t aware that I was avoiding you.”
“Yes, you are.” Kara’s voice snapped through the dark. “And I’ve had enough of it. I want you to tell me what the hell is going on with you.”
“There’s nothing going on.” He felt his own anger rising in response. How dare she do this? How dare she just walk back into his life and assume she had the right to know all about it?
“Nothing? Really?” Kara took several steps towards him. He could feel her eyes boring into his face. “Then tell me why everyone I’ve spoken to since I’ve got here has told me how worried they are about you, how you’re not acting normally-”
He glared back at her, refusing to flinch. “I’m coping.”
“No you’re not,” she said harshly. “You’re wallowing.”
“What?” He hadn’t expected that.
“You’re wallowing in your grief and letting everyone down.”
That shot struck home, though Lee tried not to let her see it. “That’s not true,” he said unevenly.
“Isn’t it? What about the meeting this afternoon, Lee? Where were you?”
“I was there,” he protested.
“Lurking at the back,” said Kara disgustedly. “Not where you should have been, up the front helping us to plan the mission.”
Her words pricked him and he struck out defensively. “You and Tigh are perfectly capable of planning the evacuation on your own. After all, you’re the famous out-of-the-box thinker.”
“Well, you could at least have stuck around afterwards.” Kara relentlessly continued the attack. “Asked how you could help, volunteered for one of the missions-”
“I’ll do my part,” he snapped, furious that she should imply otherwise. “Whatever Tigh assigns me to do, I’ll do.”
“Well, that’s just great.” Kara rolled her eyes. “Spoken like a good little follower. But that’s not you, Lee. You’re a leader, you always have been.”
“Not any more,” he said. Some of the anger died out of him and he felt incredibly tired. “I can’t risk other people’s lives like that any more, Kara. I won’t.”
“Well, tough.” Her face softened slightly, but her eyes were still hard. “You can’t just give up, Lee. I know what you’ve been through, but-”
“No, you don’t!” Those last words fanned his fury back to full flame. “You haven’t seen me for over a year, Kara! You don’t know a damn thing about me or my life.”
For a moment he thought he saw hurt flicker across her face, but then she scowled angrily.
“And whose fault is that? If you’d just tell me all about it - about how you’re feeling-”
“What’s that?” Lee couldn’t believe he was hearing this. He laughed incredulously. “You want me to talk? To you? About my feelings?”
Kara stepped back from him, flinching slightly. “Why not?”
“If I talk, what are you going to do? Comfort me? Show some sympathy?” Lee laughed again and saw her wince at the sound. “I’m almost tempted to talk, just to watch you try to do it.”
Kara’s jaw set hard. “There’s no need to be rude. I’m just trying to help.”
“Well, you’re not.” He had to push her away. If he gave her an opening he was afraid she would slip through his defences as she had so often before. “If I wanted to talk, which I don’t, the last person I’d choose would be you.” He made his tone as cutting as he could and was pleased to see her mouth tremble.
“Lee-”
“You don’t want to help me, Kara, you just want to help yourself. You want good old reliable Lee back, so you can push all the responsibility onto him. You don’t want me to have any problems of my own, so I can put all my energy into worrying about yours.”
“Lee!” She jerked back from him as if he’d punched her. “That’s not fair!”
He knew it wasn’t, was almost as horrified as she was that the words had come out of his mouth. But at some level he realised he meant them; that the thoughts had been lurking at the bottom of his mind for years.
She’d always needed him to be the reliable one, the supportive one. The one who pulled her out of trouble, who rescued her from her self-destructive impulses, the one who provided comfort even when she spurned it.
It never seemed to occur to her that he might sometimes need support and comfort in return. And he’d never realised until now how much he resented that.
“It doesn’t matter,” he said harshly, trying not to let her see how unsettled he felt. “You just need to understand I’m not that person any more. He’s gone, and I can’t get him back.”
“You mean you won’t even try.” Kara’s voice was bitter and accusing.
“Not for you.” Lee used his final weapon. “There’s nothing between us, Kara.”
The look on her face made him ache inside, but he pressed on mercilessly. “You said that yourself. You can’t just change your mind about it when it suits you.”
She stared at him for a moment in silence. The hurt faded from her face and anger took its place.
“You’re right, Lee,” she said slowly. “I did say that. And at the moment I’m reminded why.”
He held her accusing eyes defiantly. She would not make him back down, even if he did feel guilty.
“Good,” he said. “Maybe then you’ll go. Leave me alone.”
Her mouth thinned angrily. “Fine,” she snapped. “I’ll go. At the moment, it’ll be my pleasure.”
She stalked across the platform and started to climb down the ladder.
Lee had a sudden urge to go over, call her back. Tell her he hadn’t meant it.
But he didn’t. He forced the treacherous impulse down and let her go.
It was better this way. She made him feel things, and he didn’t want that. He wanted to stay numb. Anything else hurt too much.
Besides, he had promises to keep. To Ana, and now to Cally as well. He couldn’t let anything distract him from that, especially not Kara.
----
Kara stormed back to the cave she’d slept in the night before.
So much for giving Lee a push. She should have expected him to push back.
Though not that he would be quite so ruthless about it. The things he’d said - they were ringing in her ears even now.
She’d said he was being unfair, and he was - but she had to admit there was a grain of truth in some of things he’d said. She had taken his support for granted and not always given him the same in return.
But she meant to make up for it now, if only he’d let her.
She’d thought if she could make him angry enough he’d open up, but it hadn’t worked in the slightest. She was determined she would get him to talk to her in the end, though. She just needed to change her tactics.
She dropped off to sleep while she was deciding what her next move would be. It seemed like only minutes later that she felt someone shaking her awake.
She opened her eyes grumpily to see Racetrack looking down at her.
“What?” she said, and then realised as she gathered her wits together that she knew what. “It’s Lee, isn’t it?”
Racetrack nodded. “He just headed off into the woods. You were right - there’s definitely something up. He was doing his best to make sure no-one saw him.”
“Which direction did he go?” Kara sat up and pulled on her jacket.
“Looked like he was heading for the ford,” said Racetrack. “I’ll show you the way. You’ll have to hurry if you’re going to catch him.”
Kara hurried. She wasn’t going to let him give her the slip that easily.
Lee was so absorbed in his thoughts that he didn’t realise someone was climbing up to the lookout until they were nearly at the top.
Glancing down, he saw to his relief that it was only Cally, but he gave himself a mental kick. What if it had been a Cylon? He couldn’t allow himself to get distracted like that.
He wasn’t too surprised to see Cally; he’d been expecting her to visit at some point during the night. She looked different, he realised absently; her eyes were brighter than usual and there was a determined set to her chin that he hadn’t seen since before her imprisonment.
It usually took her some time to start talking, but that was different tonight too. She fixed him with a fierce stare and spoke immediately.
“I’m not going to abandon my baby, Lee.”
He took a careful breath, slightly taken aback. “Is anyone asking you to?”
“Galen is.”
“I can’t believe that,” said Lee, meaning it. Tyrol wasn’t that kind of man. “He’d never just abandon your daughter, Cally, you know that.”
“Oh, he’s not going to abandon her,” said Cally bitterly. “Just me. He wants me to get on the first raptor back to the fleet, keep out of harm’s way.”
“Oh.” Lee could understand Tyrol’s feelings, although he wasn’t about to say so. “It’s only because he’s worried about you-”
“I know!” snapped Cally impatiently. She paced over to the edge of the platform.
“I’m sure Tyrol will look for the baby-”
“No, he won’t.” Cally turned back to face him, her voice hollow. “Oh, he says he will, and I’m sure he means to. But how is he going to do that and carry out his part in the rescue mission?” She stared at Lee challengingly. “Tell me!”
“Not easily,” Lee admitted.
“It’ll come down to a choice between looking for her and his duty to take care of his people, and he’ll choose them,” said Cally flatly.
“Cally-”
“Oh, I’m not blaming him, Lee,” she said. “It’s the way he’s made. I wouldn’t love him if he were different. I know if he had no other demands on him, he’d spend every moment we have left here looking for her. But he does have other duties, and I don’t. So I have to be the one who goes looking for her.”
“I know,” said Lee. They’d talked about this before.
She walked closer, so she could see his face clearly. “And will you still help?”
Lee thought for a moment. He should probably refuse. Looking for the baby would be dangerous. Tyrol was right; it probably would be better if Cally went back to the fleet. He knew any of the others would say he shouldn’t help her.
But-
But this was Cally’s decision to make, no-one else’s. This was what she needed to do, and who was he to say she was wrong, or try to stop her? Looking into her eyes now, he was abruptly aware that if she didn’t do this, didn’t do anything she could to find her baby, the guilt and regret would consume her for the rest of her life.
He knew all about that.
“Yes, I’ll help,” he said, holding her eyes firmly. “I said I would.”
Cally stared at him for a moment, and then nodded. Some of the tension seemed to drain out of her body. “Then we need to go. Soon.”
“I know. I just need the entry codes from Felix. I’ll get them tomorrow, and then we can leave.”
“Good.” For the first time Cally’s voice trembled slightly. “I can’t just wait here any longer, Lee. It’s killing me.”
“I know.” He found himself reaching out, putting a hand on her shoulder. She looked up at him in surprise. “The waiting will be over soon, Cally. I promise.”
----
A few minutes later Lee heard the familiar creak of the rope ladder.
“Sounds like we’ve got company,” he said to Cally, who looked as irritated as he felt.
“We’ll have to make our plans later.”
Cally nodded just as an all too familiar blonde head appeared over the edge of the platform.
Lee groaned inwardly. He should have guessed.
“Lee, I need to-” Kara broke off as she spotted Cally. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
“You weren’t,” said Cally brusquely. “I was just leaving.”
“You don’t have to go,” said Lee quickly, hoping she wouldn’t leave him alone with Kara. There was a determined look in her eyes that he didn’t like.
“Yes, I do.” Cally sent him an incredulous look that showed she’d recognised the expression on Kara’s face too. She knew better than to get between Starbuck and Apollo when storm clouds were hovering. “I need some sleep. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, Lee?”
“Yes - and Cally?” She turned to look at him and he smiled, trying to make it as reassuring as possible. “I won’t forget my promise.”
“Good.” She smiled slightly before she climbed down the ladder.
Lee took a deep breath, bracing himself before he turned to Kara.
“What do you want?” he asked, trying to sound as indifferent as he could.
His tone only made Kara’s face tighten in annoyance. “I want to talk to you. You can’t avoid me forever, Lee.”
“I wasn’t aware that I was avoiding you.”
“Yes, you are.” Kara’s voice snapped through the dark. “And I’ve had enough of it. I want you to tell me what the hell is going on with you.”
“There’s nothing going on.” He felt his own anger rising in response. How dare she do this? How dare she just walk back into his life and assume she had the right to know all about it?
“Nothing? Really?” Kara took several steps towards him. He could feel her eyes boring into his face. “Then tell me why everyone I’ve spoken to since I’ve got here has told me how worried they are about you, how you’re not acting normally-”
He glared back at her, refusing to flinch. “I’m coping.”
“No you’re not,” she said harshly. “You’re wallowing.”
“What?” He hadn’t expected that.
“You’re wallowing in your grief and letting everyone down.”
That shot struck home, though Lee tried not to let her see it. “That’s not true,” he said unevenly.
“Isn’t it? What about the meeting this afternoon, Lee? Where were you?”
“I was there,” he protested.
“Lurking at the back,” said Kara disgustedly. “Not where you should have been, up the front helping us to plan the mission.”
Her words pricked him and he struck out defensively. “You and Tigh are perfectly capable of planning the evacuation on your own. After all, you’re the famous out-of-the-box thinker.”
“Well, you could at least have stuck around afterwards.” Kara relentlessly continued the attack. “Asked how you could help, volunteered for one of the missions-”
“I’ll do my part,” he snapped, furious that she should imply otherwise. “Whatever Tigh assigns me to do, I’ll do.”
“Well, that’s just great.” Kara rolled her eyes. “Spoken like a good little follower. But that’s not you, Lee. You’re a leader, you always have been.”
“Not any more,” he said. Some of the anger died out of him and he felt incredibly tired. “I can’t risk other people’s lives like that any more, Kara. I won’t.”
“Well, tough.” Her face softened slightly, but her eyes were still hard. “You can’t just give up, Lee. I know what you’ve been through, but-”
“No, you don’t!” Those last words fanned his fury back to full flame. “You haven’t seen me for over a year, Kara! You don’t know a damn thing about me or my life.”
For a moment he thought he saw hurt flicker across her face, but then she scowled angrily.
“And whose fault is that? If you’d just tell me all about it - about how you’re feeling-”
“What’s that?” Lee couldn’t believe he was hearing this. He laughed incredulously. “You want me to talk? To you? About my feelings?”
Kara stepped back from him, flinching slightly. “Why not?”
“If I talk, what are you going to do? Comfort me? Show some sympathy?” Lee laughed again and saw her wince at the sound. “I’m almost tempted to talk, just to watch you try to do it.”
Kara’s jaw set hard. “There’s no need to be rude. I’m just trying to help.”
“Well, you’re not.” He had to push her away. If he gave her an opening he was afraid she would slip through his defences as she had so often before. “If I wanted to talk, which I don’t, the last person I’d choose would be you.” He made his tone as cutting as he could and was pleased to see her mouth tremble.
“Lee-”
“You don’t want to help me, Kara, you just want to help yourself. You want good old reliable Lee back, so you can push all the responsibility onto him. You don’t want me to have any problems of my own, so I can put all my energy into worrying about yours.”
“Lee!” She jerked back from him as if he’d punched her. “That’s not fair!”
He knew it wasn’t, was almost as horrified as she was that the words had come out of his mouth. But at some level he realised he meant them; that the thoughts had been lurking at the bottom of his mind for years.
She’d always needed him to be the reliable one, the supportive one. The one who pulled her out of trouble, who rescued her from her self-destructive impulses, the one who provided comfort even when she spurned it.
It never seemed to occur to her that he might sometimes need support and comfort in return. And he’d never realised until now how much he resented that.
“It doesn’t matter,” he said harshly, trying not to let her see how unsettled he felt. “You just need to understand I’m not that person any more. He’s gone, and I can’t get him back.”
“You mean you won’t even try.” Kara’s voice was bitter and accusing.
“Not for you.” Lee used his final weapon. “There’s nothing between us, Kara.”
The look on her face made him ache inside, but he pressed on mercilessly. “You said that yourself. You can’t just change your mind about it when it suits you.”
She stared at him for a moment in silence. The hurt faded from her face and anger took its place.
“You’re right, Lee,” she said slowly. “I did say that. And at the moment I’m reminded why.”
He held her accusing eyes defiantly. She would not make him back down, even if he did feel guilty.
“Good,” he said. “Maybe then you’ll go. Leave me alone.”
Her mouth thinned angrily. “Fine,” she snapped. “I’ll go. At the moment, it’ll be my pleasure.”
She stalked across the platform and started to climb down the ladder.
Lee had a sudden urge to go over, call her back. Tell her he hadn’t meant it.
But he didn’t. He forced the treacherous impulse down and let her go.
It was better this way. She made him feel things, and he didn’t want that. He wanted to stay numb. Anything else hurt too much.
Besides, he had promises to keep. To Ana, and now to Cally as well. He couldn’t let anything distract him from that, especially not Kara.
----
Kara stormed back to the cave she’d slept in the night before.
So much for giving Lee a push. She should have expected him to push back.
Though not that he would be quite so ruthless about it. The things he’d said - they were ringing in her ears even now.
She’d said he was being unfair, and he was - but she had to admit there was a grain of truth in some of things he’d said. She had taken his support for granted and not always given him the same in return.
But she meant to make up for it now, if only he’d let her.
She’d thought if she could make him angry enough he’d open up, but it hadn’t worked in the slightest. She was determined she would get him to talk to her in the end, though. She just needed to change her tactics.
She dropped off to sleep while she was deciding what her next move would be. It seemed like only minutes later that she felt someone shaking her awake.
She opened her eyes grumpily to see Racetrack looking down at her.
“What?” she said, and then realised as she gathered her wits together that she knew what. “It’s Lee, isn’t it?”
Racetrack nodded. “He just headed off into the woods. You were right - there’s definitely something up. He was doing his best to make sure no-one saw him.”
“Which direction did he go?” Kara sat up and pulled on her jacket.
“Looked like he was heading for the ford,” said Racetrack. “I’ll show you the way. You’ll have to hurry if you’re going to catch him.”
Kara hurried. She wasn’t going to let him give her the slip that easily.