BSG fic - Lost and Found 7 / 15

[suffolkgirl]

Chapter 7

“What the hell did they do to him?”  Kara said fiercely, eyes burning.  “He didn’t even recognise me!”

“At least you got him to speak,” said Cottle, glancing through his papers.  “That’s more than I’ve been able to manage.”

“Yes, to ask his own name!” Kara shot back.  “That’s very encouraging.”  She folded her arms across her chest

Comments

[ammonite7]

Love it this time, too. Some things I've learned that I'll pass on because you are so good you want to be even better, right?
Get rid of words like "seemed like." They are usually weak. Go for it and use "was." Much stronger. To the character, she "was," or "is." Replace it in your stories and see what you think when you read to yourself. Much more powerful and succinct.

Get rid of the word "just." Editors absolutely hate it. It is a "pet peev" of theirs, and a bad habit of writers.

Look for all extraneous words when you edit. In this case, "I want you to promise me." How about, "Promise me . . ." The fewer words, the better. Again, much stronger.

Try not to use the same word again within two or three sentences. "Still" was used too close together.

You had Lee say, "I can taste the blood." Likely, he would have said, "I can taste it." What do you think? In his head, he would know to what he referred, wouldn't say "blood." The reader is smart enough to know; you had just said he bit his lip. It's important to close your eyes, if necessary, always get into your character's head, be them, be them, be them. Don't be the writer when you are writing for the character. If they are doing,thinking or saying something the reader wouldn't understand, make it clear some other way, like you did here, earlier, when you said he bit his lip.

I only take this much time because you write so well already. You might think of publishing.

[suffolkgirl]

Thanks for the comments, they're very useful. It's the kind of thing I don't see because I've been staring at it for too long. I should probably get a beta reader. :)

I'd love to try and get something original published - I just need to finish something first. :) Need to really work on that this year, real life permitting.

[ammonite7]

Beta readers don't always know these things, generally they are grammar only people, or may catch something that is not clear. I've learned by reading lots of writing books and every issue of "Writer" magazine. I try to pass on what I have learned.

Edit, then put down your work and don't look at it for a while, at least a week, longer if possible. A novel should not be looked at for months and months. I started mine a year ago, took that long to finish, and that includes many edits per chapter. Recently (nearly typed "just" oooh) started reading and re-editing it, and it's a year later. Do I see things I didn't see before!

Another trick is to read it out loud, preferably to someone else, but even to yourself helps.