BSG fic - Lost and Found 2 / 15
Chapter 2
“What happened?” asked Adama.
He was doing his best to keep his voice under control, but Kara could hear the raw pain underneath. He had lost both his sons now. She noticed that Laura Roslin, who was sitting next to him, put a hand on his arm.
At least she was noticing things again. For a while there everything had been a blur. She wasn’t sure how she had got from the hangar bay to the briefing room, or who had told the Admiral, or even how long it had been since Helo had told her Lee was dead.
Lee’s dead. The words were still echoing around her brain, as they had done ever since Helo spoke them. As if constant repetition might make her believe it.
It’s not supposed to happen like this! she wanted to scream. I’m the one who takes the crazy risks, who pulls the reckless stunts, not him. I’m the one who’s supposed to die young. Not him.
“The Cylons jumped us about four miles from the raptor,” said Helo slowly. “We had a group of civilians with us, so Apollo sent them ahead and he and I covered the rear, trying to hold off the Cylons for long enough for them to get away. We were managing well enough, but then-” he faltered.
“Then what?” asked Roslin. She leaned forward. “I know this is difficult, Lieutenant, but-”
Helo took a deep breath. “I know. I’m sorry.”
“Tell me what happened, Helo.” Adama’s voice was harsh. “Please.”
“Apollo was hit in the leg.” Kara clenched her hands tightly together. “We took cover behind a ridge for a short time, and I managed to patch him up. But we couldn’t stay there - we had to catch up with the others, make it to the raptor, so we went back out in the open.” Helo swallowed. “But Apollo’s leg was slowing him down, and they hit him again.”
Kara dug her nails into her palms. I should have been with him. I should have been there to watch his back, as I always used to. I wouldn’t have let him get hit.
“It was in the chest this time. It was bad. If we’d had a doctor nearby, then maybe - but we were still two miles from the raptor. I offered to carry him,” Helo said abruptly, staring at Adama with something like pleading in his eyes. “I did. I would have. But he wouldn’t let me.”
“No,” said Adama quietly. “He wouldn’t.”
“He told me to leave him. He said that if I tried to carry him, they’d take me down too and there would be no-one to fly the raptor. He took my spare gun and told me to prop him up against a tree and said he’d hold them off for as long as he could-” Helo’s voice broke momentarily. “So I did.”
Kara raised her head. “So you didn’t actually see him die.”
Helo looked taken aback. “No, but-”
“So he could still be alive.” She grasped at it, at the tendril of hope. She turned to Adama. “I’m going back for him.”
A storm of protest broke, Sam’s voice rising over the others. “Kara, what are you talking about? You can’t go back, it’s too dangerous-”
She turned on him fiercely. “I don’t care. I can’t just leave him. He wouldn’t leave me.”
“Kara.” That was Helo. “Kara, I understand how you feel, but there’s no point. It’s too late. I saw his wound. He was bleeding out; he could barely speak when I left him. He wouldn’t have lasted much longer.”
“You don’t know that,” she said stubbornly. Lee was tough, always had been. He’d survived the last time he was shot in the chest, after all. She tried not to think how close a call that had been, even with Doc Cottle on hand.
She turned to Adama, to the one person here who cared about Lee as much as she did. “Let me take a viper, sir. Go back for him.”
Adama looked at her. Held her gaze for a long moment, his eyes dark with sorrow. Then he shook his head. “I can’t let you do that, Kara.”
She stared at him, hurt and bewildered. “How can you say that? How can you just leave him there? He’s your son!” She saw him flinch slightly at her words.
Roslin saw it, too. “Kara, that’s enough!” All the old presidential authority rang through her tone. “I know you’d like to believe Lee is still alive. We all would. But what Lieutenant Agathon says is correct. He wouldn’t have survived a wound like that.”
“I’m sorry, Kara.” That was Adama, some of the old steel back in his voice. “But they’re right. Lee’s gone, and I won’t let you risk your life on a hopeless errand.” His voice dropped. “I can’t lose you as well.”
That silenced her. She dropped back into her seat, defeated. She couldn’t do that to him, and he knew it.
“I want your promise.” His eyes met hers shrewdly. “I want your promise that you will not sneak off behind my back to do this.”
Frak. He knew her too well. She promised. The pain in his eyes wouldn’t let her do otherwise. But something in her screamed in protest as she did it. She knew that logically they were all right. That there was no way Lee could have survived. But deep down she still felt as if she were abandoning him.
Adama visibly relaxed when she made the promise, though she suspected he would still have marines following her for the next few days and guarding the vipers. Then he turned back to Helo.
“Is that all, Lieutenant?”
“Almost.” Helo’s eyes were suspiciously bright. “He gave me a message for you, sir.”
Adam’s breath hitched. “What was it?”
Helo pulled something out of his pocket. “He asked me to give you this, sir.” He passed it across the table. Kara caught a glimpse of it - it looked like a cigarette lighter. “He said - he said that he was sorry he couldn’t return it himself.”
Kara saw Adama’s hand clench tightly around the lighter. Then he stood abruptly, and walked out without a word.
Roslin followed him a second later.
Kara suddenly realised that Sam was touching her arm. She looked up. He was watching her with a confused expression on his face.
“Kara, let’s go. Find some food - you haven’t eaten in hours.”
“No.” She hadn’t meant that to come out so harshly. “Not right now. I just - I just need to be alone for a while, Sam.” She tried to smile at him, but she didn’t think it was very successful.
“Are you sure-?”
“I’m sure.” She knew that she shouldn’t be closing him out like this, that he was worried about her. She knew she should go to the mess hall with him and let him comfort her like he wanted to.
But she couldn’t. She couldn’t deal with him now. She couldn’t think of anything past Lee, and the fact that he was dead.
She didn’t want to be comforted. She just wanted to be left alone.
Sam didn’t like it, but he didn’t argue with her any further. He went, and she was left alone with Helo.
Great. Another well-meaning intruder to deal with. She glared at him.
“I said I wanted to be alone, Karl. That goes for you too.”
“In a minute.” Helo sighed. “Apollo left a message for you, too.”
“He did?” Her heart caught in her throat. She hadn’t thought Lee would think of her. He’d been so angry with her…
Why hadn’t she gone to him last night? Why? If only she had. If only she had apologised to him, had tried to fix their quarrel. Then she wouldn’t be left with the knowledge that the last time they had spoken - really spoken - had been so bitter and hurtful.
She had always thought there would be more time…
“He asked me to give you these,” said Helo, pressing something into her hands. She looked down and realised they were Lee’s dogtags. “And then he asked me to say he was sorry for the things he’d said to you, that he hoped you could forgive him. And that he loved you.”
Kara gripped the dogtags so tightly that the metal cut into her palms. She barely heard the hatch close as Helo left the room. She stared down at the name etched into the tags.
“I love you too, Lee,” she whispered. It was the first time she had ever said it aloud even to herself. “I love you too.”
She only wished she had said it to him. While she still had the chance.
“What happened?” asked Adama.
He was doing his best to keep his voice under control, but Kara could hear the raw pain underneath. He had lost both his sons now. She noticed that Laura Roslin, who was sitting next to him, put a hand on his arm.
At least she was noticing things again. For a while there everything had been a blur. She wasn’t sure how she had got from the hangar bay to the briefing room, or who had told the Admiral, or even how long it had been since Helo had told her Lee was dead.
Lee’s dead. The words were still echoing around her brain, as they had done ever since Helo spoke them. As if constant repetition might make her believe it.
It’s not supposed to happen like this! she wanted to scream. I’m the one who takes the crazy risks, who pulls the reckless stunts, not him. I’m the one who’s supposed to die young. Not him.
“The Cylons jumped us about four miles from the raptor,” said Helo slowly. “We had a group of civilians with us, so Apollo sent them ahead and he and I covered the rear, trying to hold off the Cylons for long enough for them to get away. We were managing well enough, but then-” he faltered.
“Then what?” asked Roslin. She leaned forward. “I know this is difficult, Lieutenant, but-”
Helo took a deep breath. “I know. I’m sorry.”
“Tell me what happened, Helo.” Adama’s voice was harsh. “Please.”
“Apollo was hit in the leg.” Kara clenched her hands tightly together. “We took cover behind a ridge for a short time, and I managed to patch him up. But we couldn’t stay there - we had to catch up with the others, make it to the raptor, so we went back out in the open.” Helo swallowed. “But Apollo’s leg was slowing him down, and they hit him again.”
Kara dug her nails into her palms. I should have been with him. I should have been there to watch his back, as I always used to. I wouldn’t have let him get hit.
“It was in the chest this time. It was bad. If we’d had a doctor nearby, then maybe - but we were still two miles from the raptor. I offered to carry him,” Helo said abruptly, staring at Adama with something like pleading in his eyes. “I did. I would have. But he wouldn’t let me.”
“No,” said Adama quietly. “He wouldn’t.”
“He told me to leave him. He said that if I tried to carry him, they’d take me down too and there would be no-one to fly the raptor. He took my spare gun and told me to prop him up against a tree and said he’d hold them off for as long as he could-” Helo’s voice broke momentarily. “So I did.”
Kara raised her head. “So you didn’t actually see him die.”
Helo looked taken aback. “No, but-”
“So he could still be alive.” She grasped at it, at the tendril of hope. She turned to Adama. “I’m going back for him.”
A storm of protest broke, Sam’s voice rising over the others. “Kara, what are you talking about? You can’t go back, it’s too dangerous-”
She turned on him fiercely. “I don’t care. I can’t just leave him. He wouldn’t leave me.”
“Kara.” That was Helo. “Kara, I understand how you feel, but there’s no point. It’s too late. I saw his wound. He was bleeding out; he could barely speak when I left him. He wouldn’t have lasted much longer.”
“You don’t know that,” she said stubbornly. Lee was tough, always had been. He’d survived the last time he was shot in the chest, after all. She tried not to think how close a call that had been, even with Doc Cottle on hand.
She turned to Adama, to the one person here who cared about Lee as much as she did. “Let me take a viper, sir. Go back for him.”
Adama looked at her. Held her gaze for a long moment, his eyes dark with sorrow. Then he shook his head. “I can’t let you do that, Kara.”
She stared at him, hurt and bewildered. “How can you say that? How can you just leave him there? He’s your son!” She saw him flinch slightly at her words.
Roslin saw it, too. “Kara, that’s enough!” All the old presidential authority rang through her tone. “I know you’d like to believe Lee is still alive. We all would. But what Lieutenant Agathon says is correct. He wouldn’t have survived a wound like that.”
“I’m sorry, Kara.” That was Adama, some of the old steel back in his voice. “But they’re right. Lee’s gone, and I won’t let you risk your life on a hopeless errand.” His voice dropped. “I can’t lose you as well.”
That silenced her. She dropped back into her seat, defeated. She couldn’t do that to him, and he knew it.
“I want your promise.” His eyes met hers shrewdly. “I want your promise that you will not sneak off behind my back to do this.”
Frak. He knew her too well. She promised. The pain in his eyes wouldn’t let her do otherwise. But something in her screamed in protest as she did it. She knew that logically they were all right. That there was no way Lee could have survived. But deep down she still felt as if she were abandoning him.
Adama visibly relaxed when she made the promise, though she suspected he would still have marines following her for the next few days and guarding the vipers. Then he turned back to Helo.
“Is that all, Lieutenant?”
“Almost.” Helo’s eyes were suspiciously bright. “He gave me a message for you, sir.”
Adam’s breath hitched. “What was it?”
Helo pulled something out of his pocket. “He asked me to give you this, sir.” He passed it across the table. Kara caught a glimpse of it - it looked like a cigarette lighter. “He said - he said that he was sorry he couldn’t return it himself.”
Kara saw Adama’s hand clench tightly around the lighter. Then he stood abruptly, and walked out without a word.
Roslin followed him a second later.
Kara suddenly realised that Sam was touching her arm. She looked up. He was watching her with a confused expression on his face.
“Kara, let’s go. Find some food - you haven’t eaten in hours.”
“No.” She hadn’t meant that to come out so harshly. “Not right now. I just - I just need to be alone for a while, Sam.” She tried to smile at him, but she didn’t think it was very successful.
“Are you sure-?”
“I’m sure.” She knew that she shouldn’t be closing him out like this, that he was worried about her. She knew she should go to the mess hall with him and let him comfort her like he wanted to.
But she couldn’t. She couldn’t deal with him now. She couldn’t think of anything past Lee, and the fact that he was dead.
She didn’t want to be comforted. She just wanted to be left alone.
Sam didn’t like it, but he didn’t argue with her any further. He went, and she was left alone with Helo.
Great. Another well-meaning intruder to deal with. She glared at him.
“I said I wanted to be alone, Karl. That goes for you too.”
“In a minute.” Helo sighed. “Apollo left a message for you, too.”
“He did?” Her heart caught in her throat. She hadn’t thought Lee would think of her. He’d been so angry with her…
Why hadn’t she gone to him last night? Why? If only she had. If only she had apologised to him, had tried to fix their quarrel. Then she wouldn’t be left with the knowledge that the last time they had spoken - really spoken - had been so bitter and hurtful.
She had always thought there would be more time…
“He asked me to give you these,” said Helo, pressing something into her hands. She looked down and realised they were Lee’s dogtags. “And then he asked me to say he was sorry for the things he’d said to you, that he hoped you could forgive him. And that he loved you.”
Kara gripped the dogtags so tightly that the metal cut into her palms. She barely heard the hatch close as Helo left the room. She stared down at the name etched into the tags.
“I love you too, Lee,” she whispered. It was the first time she had ever said it aloud even to herself. “I love you too.”
She only wished she had said it to him. While she still had the chance.