happiness
i got on here to write a long entry that i hope Chris will maybe eventually see.. (in a perfect world) and that will spur him to realize we were meant to be together... but reading down through all of my entries I realize that we have been having problems for a LONG time. They date back to October of last year....that's 8 months of these same problems.... opposite schedules, Chris dealing with personal emotional issues and me watching helpless on the sidelines, me wanting to do shit that he simply just does not want to do..etc etc
real motivating.
i know what i wrote, and i know that it is all true, but also know what i was feeling during those times, and even now. i have and probably will always feel for that boy. i always have and will always love him. i will always love him so much that i will want to help him. and as of right now, he does not want or does not need my help.
i just want to do what we both said we wanted to do at the very beginning of our relationship. i want to share my life with him, and his with mine. i felt something ive never felt before...i truly believe in my heart that we are meant to be together.
i want so badly for him to let me help him work through his issues with his mother, iraq, his life and the direction it's going in and the direction he wants it to go in, and any issue in between. i want him to be happy...because him being happy really does make me happy. i want to ride the high and low tides with him. Chris is so good at sharing the good times of his life, but has such a hard time sharing the bad. i know i probably know more about him and his feelings than anyone else in his life (or at least in the top few) but i want to be his rock. his harbor. his safeplace. i want to hold him and for him to finally deal with all of his demons and heal and let me help him heal. i want nothing more than him to get better and be in a better place mentally. i want to help him crawl out of his dark place and into the light with me.
the sad thing is, i can wish this all i want but it is up to him in the end. i cannot force him to be with me, but i honestly think what he needs is someone to be there for him right now...and i want to be there for him. and im pretty sure he wants me..
wait, who am i kidding, he broke up with me.
but i know it's because he just wants me happy. both of us happy. and he cannot make me happy right now. he thinks.
but he can. he can. ive seen it ive felt it i know it. he can make me happy by getting happy himself. that is all i want for him. and i truly think in my heart that i am the girl for him. i truly truly think that.
when he is happy he lights up my entire world.
his smile, his sparkling eyes, witty worlds and goofy expressions and wild imagination.. that is the chris that makes me glow inside. he gives me butterflies.
i know he loves me
i know it.
i do.
fuck. i just want him to realize all of this. we can be happy together. we can.
i know we can.
i dont care how many times ive posted below. all of our little spats are just pieces of a larger picture, a larger problem. the problem was him not being happy, not with his life, who he was and pretty much everything in it. i wish i wouldve been able to deal with his sadness in a better way, but i did the only way i knew how.
i do believe that once he is able to deal with and release all of the pain inside of his heart, he will be able to live life again. fully and with joy. with so much joy.
when that boy shines, he shines bright.
but for now, there is nothing i can do. but hope and pray that he can become all he can be and be happy on his own. and maybe then he will come back to me.
“If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.”
i just want to help ease your pain.
i want to be your support.
your shoulder to cry on.
your light in the darkness.
i want you to share with me
your joys
and your pain.
if i could i would.
i know i would.
i would soak up all of your pain and i would keep it for myself. i would sponge away all of your sorrows, your fears, your regrets, everything. why? because i love you.
i fucking love you christopher thomas rudek.
real motivating.
i know what i wrote, and i know that it is all true, but also know what i was feeling during those times, and even now. i have and probably will always feel for that boy. i always have and will always love him. i will always love him so much that i will want to help him. and as of right now, he does not want or does not need my help.
i just want to do what we both said we wanted to do at the very beginning of our relationship. i want to share my life with him, and his with mine. i felt something ive never felt before...i truly believe in my heart that we are meant to be together.
i want so badly for him to let me help him work through his issues with his mother, iraq, his life and the direction it's going in and the direction he wants it to go in, and any issue in between. i want him to be happy...because him being happy really does make me happy. i want to ride the high and low tides with him. Chris is so good at sharing the good times of his life, but has such a hard time sharing the bad. i know i probably know more about him and his feelings than anyone else in his life (or at least in the top few) but i want to be his rock. his harbor. his safeplace. i want to hold him and for him to finally deal with all of his demons and heal and let me help him heal. i want nothing more than him to get better and be in a better place mentally. i want to help him crawl out of his dark place and into the light with me.
the sad thing is, i can wish this all i want but it is up to him in the end. i cannot force him to be with me, but i honestly think what he needs is someone to be there for him right now...and i want to be there for him. and im pretty sure he wants me..
wait, who am i kidding, he broke up with me.
but i know it's because he just wants me happy. both of us happy. and he cannot make me happy right now. he thinks.
but he can. he can. ive seen it ive felt it i know it. he can make me happy by getting happy himself. that is all i want for him. and i truly think in my heart that i am the girl for him. i truly truly think that.
when he is happy he lights up my entire world.
his smile, his sparkling eyes, witty worlds and goofy expressions and wild imagination.. that is the chris that makes me glow inside. he gives me butterflies.
i know he loves me
i know it.
i do.
fuck. i just want him to realize all of this. we can be happy together. we can.
i know we can.
i dont care how many times ive posted below. all of our little spats are just pieces of a larger picture, a larger problem. the problem was him not being happy, not with his life, who he was and pretty much everything in it. i wish i wouldve been able to deal with his sadness in a better way, but i did the only way i knew how.
i do believe that once he is able to deal with and release all of the pain inside of his heart, he will be able to live life again. fully and with joy. with so much joy.
when that boy shines, he shines bright.
but for now, there is nothing i can do. but hope and pray that he can become all he can be and be happy on his own. and maybe then he will come back to me.
“If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.”
i just want to help ease your pain.
i want to be your support.
your shoulder to cry on.
your light in the darkness.
i want you to share with me
your joys
and your pain.
if i could i would.
i know i would.
i would soak up all of your pain and i would keep it for myself. i would sponge away all of your sorrows, your fears, your regrets, everything. why? because i love you.
i fucking love you christopher thomas rudek.