sorry so long
I've been meaning to LJ for awhile, but never really got around to it. So of course, like everybody else, I LJ during Finals Week.
To those who have already gone to college, I'm glad to hear about your new friends, or at least your expanding of your social circles. To those at berk, I do admire those of you who are with totally new friends. To my current friends at berk, many of whom dont' read this, thanks. Thanks for allowing me to stay anti-social, to hang out with you guys People keep asking why I dont branch out, or why I had no new friends. My answer? Why should I if I already have everything/everybody I need.
And besides, my sense of judgement (not friends-wise) is just crap, so why bother even trying to meet new people? I have good friends. INSANELY good friends, as anybody who's ever read my lj must confess. Why should I go looking for new friends when I've got perfectly good ones? Time is a precious resource (as we all remember dwyer saying), and I have other things to do. It's not like I refuse to talk to new people, I don't. Some of them I even actually like. But just because I meet somebody new doesn't mean I have to get their SN, their blog-site, their cell numbers, and suddenly try to be best friends with them. I am uncomfortable talking to people I don't know. PERIOD. In fact, there's only prolly one or two people I feel almost completely comfortable talking to. And that's not even complete. New people may seem fun, or exciting, or whatever, but how much of that is completely fake? How many people talk to new ppl just to have somebody to call for homework help, or to get the notes. WHY do people think I want to deal with that? I don't. Maybe I'm haniging on too long, maybe I don't like to let go. But someday, probably soon, my friends will suddenly have a new best friend, a new group to hang out with, and I will realize my mistake. But until then, I'm going to pretend everything will be fine.
Nothing lasts forever, the one time it should, it didn't. Nothing turns out the way we want it to; or rather, they appear to, and then something gets majorly screwed up and bites you in your you know where. People change, people grow. Sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. But who am I to say whether it was for better or for worse. All I can say is that if you're ruining everything you have, I hope you realize before it's too late. And it's not. Not yet. Not until I do what I've always done, and put all my memories of them in a shoebox in a closet in my house in toga. But I haven't yet. I still look at reminders of people everyday, until the hurt slowly disappears. But is disappearing hurt always good. Too often hurt is replaced by anger. Maybe not an intense head banging sort of anger, but a quiet one. One that is laced with disappointment and disillusionment. I thought I could make a difference. Perhaps that was egotistical, to think I could change anything, to think that I could touch anyone.
I don't need to change the world; I have plenty of friends much more capable and much more willing to do that. It's just nice to see results. Nice to see positive progress actually get somewhere, instead everything climaxing into one conversation, and suddenly that's that.
WHAT RIGHT DO YOU HAVE TO ROLL YOUR EYES AT ME? Seriously. I may think differently from you or anyone else out there, but at least I give you the benefit of the doubt and not give up. Not completely. I should have, a couple of years ago. But I didn't. And that that happened. And then you stopped talking to me altogether basically. I dont want a friendship, any friendship, based out of obligation. I don't want to invite you to something because I think I should, or other people will think I should. I don't want to be invited because otherwise, you would have a guilt trip. But then again, you wouldn't. Becuase that involves emotion. Something a lot of people have not really discovered yet. I guess it's okay, most people have no idea what it is, but what's even worse is that you have no desire to find out. I guess some people are just going to grow older and die without ever knowing what it is. I tried. Maybe it's not the right time, not the right person, but this is reminiscent of school. I think if you try hard enough, you should get a good grade, regardless of how well you could actually execute. Because the point is you put in the effort, you gave it your all. It's not fair for those who try and fail to have to see those who effortlessly glide through everything, not because they care, but simply because they're good at it. Some of these people will never learn the meaning of real work, in school, work, or otherwise.
And I feel bad for them. These people get such a reputation for themselves, and most people don't bother trying to reach them at all. But why should we, if everytime we do, we get stung. If everytime we do, we wonder to ourselves why we're wasting their time. If somebody ever tells you they think they're wasting your time, that's when you need to realize that the relationship is obviously not mutual, and something is definitely wrong. But some people don't see this. At ALL. But I guess that's okay, because there are many logical explanations I would never understand.
Taking all problems into consideration, I still can't bring myself to sweep everything into a shoebox. Mean and torturous plans keep popping up in my head, but I can't manage to carry any of these out. All I can do is show up to be nice, and leave as early as politely possible, and make small talk. I HATE small talk. I'm alright at it, but I detest doing it, especially with people that I ought to have a really conversation with.
So in conclusion, there is no conclusion. I hope something will resolve, for better or for worse, but a resolution would allow me to box everything and forget about it for a year or two. And when I'm done "getting over it", they will have forgotten who I was. Or they already have, and I'm just in denial.
**********************************************************************************************************
in other news...
Psych 1
Phsyics 10
Nutritional Science 10
Music 60
Music 74
Music 150
slacker classes, i know, but i can't/don't want to compete w/ ppl who need the grade... how scary
good music rocks (i.e., josh groban, old bsb, bbmak, old nsync, and westlife, can't forget them)
barestage kicks ass.... if you live around here, you have to come watch a show sometime, we get incredible ppl acting/singing, and it's great stuff.
choir was fun, too bad i prolly can't do it next semester
band was alright... cross your fingers for my audition
orch... hopefully i get in
baking is my new obsession, so if you ever want baked goods, call me and i'll whip something up
life's too short. back to final cramming... ^.^ take care, all
To those who have already gone to college, I'm glad to hear about your new friends, or at least your expanding of your social circles. To those at berk, I do admire those of you who are with totally new friends. To my current friends at berk, many of whom dont' read this, thanks. Thanks for allowing me to stay anti-social, to hang out with you guys People keep asking why I dont branch out, or why I had no new friends. My answer? Why should I if I already have everything/everybody I need.
And besides, my sense of judgement (not friends-wise) is just crap, so why bother even trying to meet new people? I have good friends. INSANELY good friends, as anybody who's ever read my lj must confess. Why should I go looking for new friends when I've got perfectly good ones? Time is a precious resource (as we all remember dwyer saying), and I have other things to do. It's not like I refuse to talk to new people, I don't. Some of them I even actually like. But just because I meet somebody new doesn't mean I have to get their SN, their blog-site, their cell numbers, and suddenly try to be best friends with them. I am uncomfortable talking to people I don't know. PERIOD. In fact, there's only prolly one or two people I feel almost completely comfortable talking to. And that's not even complete. New people may seem fun, or exciting, or whatever, but how much of that is completely fake? How many people talk to new ppl just to have somebody to call for homework help, or to get the notes. WHY do people think I want to deal with that? I don't. Maybe I'm haniging on too long, maybe I don't like to let go. But someday, probably soon, my friends will suddenly have a new best friend, a new group to hang out with, and I will realize my mistake. But until then, I'm going to pretend everything will be fine.
Nothing lasts forever, the one time it should, it didn't. Nothing turns out the way we want it to; or rather, they appear to, and then something gets majorly screwed up and bites you in your you know where. People change, people grow. Sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. But who am I to say whether it was for better or for worse. All I can say is that if you're ruining everything you have, I hope you realize before it's too late. And it's not. Not yet. Not until I do what I've always done, and put all my memories of them in a shoebox in a closet in my house in toga. But I haven't yet. I still look at reminders of people everyday, until the hurt slowly disappears. But is disappearing hurt always good. Too often hurt is replaced by anger. Maybe not an intense head banging sort of anger, but a quiet one. One that is laced with disappointment and disillusionment. I thought I could make a difference. Perhaps that was egotistical, to think I could change anything, to think that I could touch anyone.
I don't need to change the world; I have plenty of friends much more capable and much more willing to do that. It's just nice to see results. Nice to see positive progress actually get somewhere, instead everything climaxing into one conversation, and suddenly that's that.
WHAT RIGHT DO YOU HAVE TO ROLL YOUR EYES AT ME? Seriously. I may think differently from you or anyone else out there, but at least I give you the benefit of the doubt and not give up. Not completely. I should have, a couple of years ago. But I didn't. And that that happened. And then you stopped talking to me altogether basically. I dont want a friendship, any friendship, based out of obligation. I don't want to invite you to something because I think I should, or other people will think I should. I don't want to be invited because otherwise, you would have a guilt trip. But then again, you wouldn't. Becuase that involves emotion. Something a lot of people have not really discovered yet. I guess it's okay, most people have no idea what it is, but what's even worse is that you have no desire to find out. I guess some people are just going to grow older and die without ever knowing what it is. I tried. Maybe it's not the right time, not the right person, but this is reminiscent of school. I think if you try hard enough, you should get a good grade, regardless of how well you could actually execute. Because the point is you put in the effort, you gave it your all. It's not fair for those who try and fail to have to see those who effortlessly glide through everything, not because they care, but simply because they're good at it. Some of these people will never learn the meaning of real work, in school, work, or otherwise.
And I feel bad for them. These people get such a reputation for themselves, and most people don't bother trying to reach them at all. But why should we, if everytime we do, we get stung. If everytime we do, we wonder to ourselves why we're wasting their time. If somebody ever tells you they think they're wasting your time, that's when you need to realize that the relationship is obviously not mutual, and something is definitely wrong. But some people don't see this. At ALL. But I guess that's okay, because there are many logical explanations I would never understand.
Taking all problems into consideration, I still can't bring myself to sweep everything into a shoebox. Mean and torturous plans keep popping up in my head, but I can't manage to carry any of these out. All I can do is show up to be nice, and leave as early as politely possible, and make small talk. I HATE small talk. I'm alright at it, but I detest doing it, especially with people that I ought to have a really conversation with.
So in conclusion, there is no conclusion. I hope something will resolve, for better or for worse, but a resolution would allow me to box everything and forget about it for a year or two. And when I'm done "getting over it", they will have forgotten who I was. Or they already have, and I'm just in denial.
**********************************************************************************************************
in other news...
Psych 1
Phsyics 10
Nutritional Science 10
Music 60
Music 74
Music 150
slacker classes, i know, but i can't/don't want to compete w/ ppl who need the grade... how scary
good music rocks (i.e., josh groban, old bsb, bbmak, old nsync, and westlife, can't forget them)
barestage kicks ass.... if you live around here, you have to come watch a show sometime, we get incredible ppl acting/singing, and it's great stuff.
choir was fun, too bad i prolly can't do it next semester
band was alright... cross your fingers for my audition
orch... hopefully i get in
baking is my new obsession, so if you ever want baked goods, call me and i'll whip something up
life's too short. back to final cramming... ^.^ take care, all