my life lately

[suenega]

so i had aboyfriend for about amonth, for once in my life i found somebody that sees relationships the way i do. who thinks and breathes and all that shit the same. and of coarse i go and fuck it up, by saying things i shouldnt have too soon, by doing things i cant explain as to why i did them. its like everytime i get delt a good card in life i set it to fire, because i enjoy watching myself burn. except i dont at all, i fucking hate this bullshit. i dont know what im doing anymore, and i know ive said that in previous posts but i really fucking dont. its like i keep shoving myself down in a hole because part of me finds it amusing to be so low, and the other part of me wants to punch myself in the goddamn face because i dont realize the doors always open, if i only i would shove my fucking foot through the door. but i never do, because im terrified, or i shove it too far in to the point that i trip and fall flat on my face. which i tend to do more than not. i just wish there was something i could do or say that would take this pain away, that would bring realization to the brain of the one whom i wish could just see that i am not who i was trying to be, that i am that same girl that likes the little things in live, that enjoys simplicity and intellegence and enlightenment. but of coarse ive fucked that all up, because thats what i do, even when i try my best not to. its hard not to cry, to watch a fire you set on your own burn like an old childhood memory.. thats never going to come back, thats going to be in the back of your mind forever until the end of days which seems like itll never come. but one day ill be slapped in the face with reality, or death im not really sure which of the two. because i feel reality as if it were the feeling of hairs on the back of my neck shrilling and shreeking when somebody gets too close, or not close enough,, once again, im not sure which.

i just need to be told continuously that everything will be alright
but theres nobody around to keep that responsibility other than myself
and as you can see i simply dont have enough strength to do just that.