...and representing love, of course.
For those of you who ask me every year, pretty much, although I'm pretty damn sure you've watched it streamed already (right, Stacey?):
Lithuania: Will Young channels his inner Marc Almond with a song that rips off Queen from the get-go then descends into utter, utter balls. Even one of his backing singers looked into the camera with despair.
Israel: Apparently being one of Israel's biggest artists is no guarantee of being able to sing in tune. And for all the talk of peace and unity, these two really look like they want to claw each others' eyes out as they gaze meaningfully.
France: I preferred Edith Piaf in that godawful Specsavers advert to this. +1 for botox.
Sweden: Channelling the Diva from the Fifth Element, here comes Malena Erman, captain of the Swedish women's rugby team. Doesn't she look...blonde, in that dress?
Croatia: Whilst he's clearly pleased with his "Shatner as Kirk" boots, Igor is clearly hoping having lots of ladies doing backing singing whilst wearing floaty chiffon that promises leg is going to distract from the anaemic dirge he's come out with.
Portugal: Odd. Ireland tried pretty much this whole act last year and were appalling, but this isn't awful. Yes, it's folky and hokey but, really, do you kick a kitten for being fluffy?
Iceland: Judging by the backdrop, this is music from the forthcoming Disney adaptation of Ecco The Dolphin. Having said that, it's an alright song, and the girl can sing so... ok?
Greece: At the dithco! Seriously, why is this even remotely being taken for one of the contenders? What is Love? Mashed-up with Encore Une Fois may have worked 15, maybe 10 years ago but no, not now.
Armenia: Every year... Another pagan Balkan writhe-fest. All this says to me is "Now, we will sing to the sequin snake god!"
Russia: "Mamo". Oooh mother. You'd think, what with having an oligarch for a daddy, Anastasia could afford to get Primal Scream Therapy somewhere a little less public but, what do I know?
Azerbaijan: If Bollywood ever decide to make HMS Pinafore into a sound and light extravaganza with leads who can't dance, this is what it'll look like... has she forgotten her other stocking?
Bosnia + Herzegovina: The White Parade. You want to know what Kasabian would be like if you heavily sedated them and gave them a wash? Now you know. Go watch Laka again, you know you want to.
Moldova: I'm figuring her mum spent three months sewing those sequins on. Shame. Look, it's heart is in the right place, but it would only really work for me if I were blitzed on the local spirit and they were the entertainment at the big evening of "traditional Moldovan barbeque and cultural experience" I'd booked at the hotel.
Malta: This is your auntie Brenda killing all-comers at the local karaoke. Again. Simon Cowell would always choose the blonde with big tits, though. You know he would.
Estonia: The sort of girl that sees sales of violin-based classical album sales soar among middle-aged men. Or that so successfully advertises "walk-ins welcome" at high-end hairdressers. Singing? Not so much.
Denmark: Is it in his contract that he has to impersonate Ronan Keating too? Incidentally, isn't that the same costume last year's entry wore (minus the flat cap)? Also, I'm pretty sure the other half's mum will have a crush on the entire backing band.
Germany: Look mate, eyebrow wax first, then fake tan. For an act that makes such a big deal out of getting Dita Von Tease on stage with them, they aren't actually using her that much. And listening to them, they really, really should be. If they wanted to win, they should have just sat on the edge of the stage and let her shake her stuff.
Turkey: Never mind the quality, let me hypnotise you with my navel. Thank got Egypt's not an EU member of this belly-dancing shtick would get tedious even more quickly.
Albania: David Lynch directs I Should Be So Lucky. And HDTV is not a good thing for 17 year olds and their complexions. Still, it explains who the Armenians were trying to summon earlier on.
Norway: This'll win. Other half called it about two months ago and I haven't seen anything that's even remotely likely to challenge that. Still, he's probably a wee shit who'll score women, drink and free upgrades on internal flights on the strength of this until he goes mad, gets fat and dies in an orgy of low-grade cocaine and overweight Latvian prostitutes.
Ukraine: A bizarre Mad Max Thunderdome/Stringfellows hybrid. My most pressing issue - who was singing while she was drumming? Strike 2 for Botox.
Romania: Graham Norton reckons the girl with the mike is a ringer of sorts. Poor Romania, they don't have a girl who can be both pretty and able to sing at the same time? Um... did she just sing "my boobs are ready to blow?" A career in Romanian Playboy beckons, methinks.
United Kingdom: I'm pretty sure Lord Turnipface used to use more than one line of lyrics per song. Yes Leona Lewis is really big right now, but do you have to plagiarise that whole deal quite as shamelessly? Ouch - looks like she just took a b(l)ow to the chest.
Finland: If Bucks Fizz reformed and attempted to get down wit da yoot. And burning oil drums are soo street. That's got to be strike 3 for botox. Possibly strikes 4 and 5, too.
Spain: Well, after her high marks in the rumba, I think the judges scores might be a bit of a let-down for Miss Soraya... Sarah Harding after rehab.
Apologies for pretty much no activity of any kind recently. In my defence, I have been stuck in bed for the last three days sick with food poisoning.
Dave xx
Lithuania: Will Young channels his inner Marc Almond with a song that rips off Queen from the get-go then descends into utter, utter balls. Even one of his backing singers looked into the camera with despair.
Israel: Apparently being one of Israel's biggest artists is no guarantee of being able to sing in tune. And for all the talk of peace and unity, these two really look like they want to claw each others' eyes out as they gaze meaningfully.
France: I preferred Edith Piaf in that godawful Specsavers advert to this. +1 for botox.
Sweden: Channelling the Diva from the Fifth Element, here comes Malena Erman, captain of the Swedish women's rugby team. Doesn't she look...blonde, in that dress?
Croatia: Whilst he's clearly pleased with his "Shatner as Kirk" boots, Igor is clearly hoping having lots of ladies doing backing singing whilst wearing floaty chiffon that promises leg is going to distract from the anaemic dirge he's come out with.
Portugal: Odd. Ireland tried pretty much this whole act last year and were appalling, but this isn't awful. Yes, it's folky and hokey but, really, do you kick a kitten for being fluffy?
Iceland: Judging by the backdrop, this is music from the forthcoming Disney adaptation of Ecco The Dolphin. Having said that, it's an alright song, and the girl can sing so... ok?
Greece: At the dithco! Seriously, why is this even remotely being taken for one of the contenders? What is Love? Mashed-up with Encore Une Fois may have worked 15, maybe 10 years ago but no, not now.
Armenia: Every year... Another pagan Balkan writhe-fest. All this says to me is "Now, we will sing to the sequin snake god!"
Russia: "Mamo". Oooh mother. You'd think, what with having an oligarch for a daddy, Anastasia could afford to get Primal Scream Therapy somewhere a little less public but, what do I know?
Azerbaijan: If Bollywood ever decide to make HMS Pinafore into a sound and light extravaganza with leads who can't dance, this is what it'll look like... has she forgotten her other stocking?
Bosnia + Herzegovina: The White Parade. You want to know what Kasabian would be like if you heavily sedated them and gave them a wash? Now you know. Go watch Laka again, you know you want to.
Moldova: I'm figuring her mum spent three months sewing those sequins on. Shame. Look, it's heart is in the right place, but it would only really work for me if I were blitzed on the local spirit and they were the entertainment at the big evening of "traditional Moldovan barbeque and cultural experience" I'd booked at the hotel.
Malta: This is your auntie Brenda killing all-comers at the local karaoke. Again. Simon Cowell would always choose the blonde with big tits, though. You know he would.
Estonia: The sort of girl that sees sales of violin-based classical album sales soar among middle-aged men. Or that so successfully advertises "walk-ins welcome" at high-end hairdressers. Singing? Not so much.
Denmark: Is it in his contract that he has to impersonate Ronan Keating too? Incidentally, isn't that the same costume last year's entry wore (minus the flat cap)? Also, I'm pretty sure the other half's mum will have a crush on the entire backing band.
Germany: Look mate, eyebrow wax first, then fake tan. For an act that makes such a big deal out of getting Dita Von Tease on stage with them, they aren't actually using her that much. And listening to them, they really, really should be. If they wanted to win, they should have just sat on the edge of the stage and let her shake her stuff.
Turkey: Never mind the quality, let me hypnotise you with my navel. Thank got Egypt's not an EU member of this belly-dancing shtick would get tedious even more quickly.
Albania: David Lynch directs I Should Be So Lucky. And HDTV is not a good thing for 17 year olds and their complexions. Still, it explains who the Armenians were trying to summon earlier on.
Norway: This'll win. Other half called it about two months ago and I haven't seen anything that's even remotely likely to challenge that. Still, he's probably a wee shit who'll score women, drink and free upgrades on internal flights on the strength of this until he goes mad, gets fat and dies in an orgy of low-grade cocaine and overweight Latvian prostitutes.
Ukraine: A bizarre Mad Max Thunderdome/Stringfellows hybrid. My most pressing issue - who was singing while she was drumming? Strike 2 for Botox.
Romania: Graham Norton reckons the girl with the mike is a ringer of sorts. Poor Romania, they don't have a girl who can be both pretty and able to sing at the same time? Um... did she just sing "my boobs are ready to blow?" A career in Romanian Playboy beckons, methinks.
United Kingdom: I'm pretty sure Lord Turnipface used to use more than one line of lyrics per song. Yes Leona Lewis is really big right now, but do you have to plagiarise that whole deal quite as shamelessly? Ouch - looks like she just took a b(l)ow to the chest.
Finland: If Bucks Fizz reformed and attempted to get down wit da yoot. And burning oil drums are soo street. That's got to be strike 3 for botox. Possibly strikes 4 and 5, too.
Spain: Well, after her high marks in the rumba, I think the judges scores might be a bit of a let-down for Miss Soraya... Sarah Harding after rehab.
Apologies for pretty much no activity of any kind recently. In my defence, I have been stuck in bed for the last three days sick with food poisoning.
Dave xx