The Best and Worst of Us
Title: The Best and Worst of Us
Rating: PG
Pairing: Billy, Sean
Warnings: AU. This is an interlude within my BTS universe. It takes place during the events of TGS:Ch16.
Summary: Making amends.
Sean had been a very polite host throughout the holiday. Overly so, where Dom and Billy were involved, though he’d been very engaging with old Ian, who would otherwise have spent the holiday alone. Ever since the little boy had died, Dom had been giving his best friend a bit of a cold shoulder, which wasn’t making this the easiest dinner at Sean’s to get through.
Billy himself was used to holidays spent alone and uncelebrated. On the ship, holidays were work, same as any other day, and otherwise they were of little consequence. Even the years spent with Bean, invariably one or the other of them was working, and Christmas or a birthday was glorified with little more than a quiet drink and a pat on the back, and that was fine with him. But Dom needed to be pushed out of the house most days, and Ian had nowhere else to go, so Thanksgiving at Sean’s it was. It proved interesting at any rate; Billy had never celebrated a holiday where the entire point was to eat until he couldn’t anymore.
Allie hadn’t meant to spill, and what kid does, really? It was enough to bring Sean’s temper out, though, and enough for the sharp little lass to give some right back. Billy tipped her wink for that, while Dom followed her to her room to pick out a clean dress. Christine, the poor woman, was doing her damnedest to keep the world in check, and eventually she told her husband flatly to just leave her to the carpet and take a breath, and to shut the door, the cold was coming in. Sean threw up his hands and did those three things, turning out to face the breeze and hesitating when he found Billy already occupying the terrace. Dom wasn’t playing the buffer for either of them anymore.
Billy silently offered the bottle Dom had left with him. It was a Pinot Grigio, some Australian brand that went fairly well with Christine’s turkey. Sean declined, but pocketed his hands and came up to the railing himself, looking out across the park.
“I suppose this is the usual Thanksgiving family fun I’ve heard about in the movies?” Billy tried lightly.
Sean snorted, “Thank god Mom and Dad aren’t here this year. I dunno if I could-” he stopped short and just shook his head.
Billy didn’t press for more. He knew next to nothing about Sean’s parents and didn’t need to know. But it hadn’t occurred to him until now that Sean, like Dom, might be coming home from work everyday to his wife and daughters in the same black mood, and now they were hosting a dinner that invariably brought stress levels up higher for all involved. It made him feel uncomfortable. It reminded him of Elijah, for some reason, and he briefly wondered what the little shit was up to down in New Zealand, and if he was staying out of trouble. Elijah had never talked much about holidays.
“It was a good dinner,” Billy said, just to say something. “I’ve never had candied yams. Seemed like pudding in the middle of a meal, but…”
“That’s what Dom said, too, the first time.”
The quiet stretched, if it could be quiet in this city. Sean had brought the subject right around all by himself, and now it hung there like someone else’s under-things on a line for all to see.
“Thank you for calling me,” Billy spoke slowly, “That night, at the hospital.” It was grasping, but it was something.
Sean nodded and shrugged, “He wouldn’t come with me. He won’t, you know, once he gets like that.” He exhaled, and it hung in the air. “I… I really thought Ryan would make it. We all did. And Dom was… he was doing so well, I just didn’t want to tell him. It was better when… fuck. Such a fucking awful thing to say.”
“What?” Billy prodded.
Sean took the wine bottle and gulped from it, “In September. That girl with…. Well, she died before we could do anything. I’d say it was better, but…”
Billy shook his head, “It wasn’t.”
“No, it wasn’t,” Sean agreed, “I shouldn’t have said it.”
“I thought about leaving him, back then,” Billy confessed, staring out at the skyline. He felt Sean’s eyes on him, but didn’t meet them. “I thought about it all the time.”
There were few things Billy felt shame for, but all of them were enormous, and had to be pushed far back, away from his view and anyone else’s. Causing his parents’ deaths. Leaving Maggie. Beating people near to death. Trusting people who didn’t deserve it, and misjudging those who did.
Sean was still watching him. “Why didn’t you?”
“He took me back. Every day, he’d come home from work and make it so fucking hard to walk away. Even… even when we had that fight. I scared the fuck out of him, and me, and you, and he took me back,” Billy gave an incredulous shake of his head, and looked at Sean, “I wouldn’t have taken me back. You wouldn’t have. He did.”
“Then why the hell leave?” Sean asked next, “People spend their whole lives looking for that kind of thing.”
Billy studied Sean’s stony face, the distrust in his eyes that Billy deserved, as well as the ferocious love of Dom that he more than understood. He chuckled at his own stupidity. “You know what’s more terrifying than being alone for all the shite you’ve brought down on yourself? Being loved anyway, in spite of it all.”
He dropped his eyes to shoes and took a centering breath or two, before looking back up, “Look, I know you don’t believe it, but I am sorry for what I did to you. And… I might always owe you on it.”
Sean’s expression didn’t change. “Why? You owe me an explanation, at least.”
Billy nodded, looking out over the view from the terrace. “There are places I’ve been - and I mean that in more ways than one, you know?” He looked up to confirm Sean’s understanding - “Places I’ve been and things I’ve done that I… that I may never tell him about. I’m not proud of those things, and I have to live with them. I’ve told him the worst of it, but I don’t think he understands. Not really.” He looked back up, “And he shouldn’t have to. He’s got enough on him, Sean. I won’t add to it.”
Sean looked away, leaning on the railing. “So you’re protecting him, not yourself.”
“Of course I’m protecting myself,” Billy laughed humourlessly, “I’ve told you I’m a selfish bastard. I’ve had to be, to survive out there. Do you think I’d have lasted for years on the streets if I wasn’t? Do you think any of the kids you're paid to save would, if they hadn’t learnt from the off that the only person you can depend on is yourself? Why do you think, Sean, once they’ve seen how hard the world is, it takes so fucking long to get them to let you in?
“And then ask yourself why Dominic is so good at it.”
Sean’s eyes studied him, not scrutinizing now, but curious. Billy could see the same questions in Sean’s head that were in Dom’s, the same sympathetic nature, the same driving need to set himself aside and help, even as he’d seen Sean flinch at the very possibility of being struck, back in that stable, like one who knew what was coming.
Billy shook his head and looked away, “You’re his mentor, you taught him. You’re of the same mind, you’ve the same selflessness that I never thought I could have when I was out there on my own. I want to be better. For him and for… for everyone else I’ve done wrong. He makes me want to be better.”
They stood for some minutes leaning on the terrace railing. Sean took up the wine bottle and offered it. Billy took a gulp and handed it back. Sean drained it and used it to gesture to the city at large. “Sometimes I think Dom would try to help every poor screwed-up kid out there, even if they robbed him at gunpoint.”
Billy agreed with a hum.
“If you were with him, though…”
“I’d kill them,” Billy finished.
Sean said nothing. Maybe confirmation of that fact was too much, that Billy had it in him.
“I would,” he stood up straighter, defiant on this point, “I know he wouldn’t forgive me that, but if anyone dared try to hurt him, I’d fight, and I’d finish it.”
Sean looked back. There wasn’t repulsion or disgust in his eyes, but understanding. “I believe you.”
Billy glanced back through the doors, able to see Christine in the kitchen, and Mackie rapt by the TV with Lizzie on his knee, and Allie leading Dom by the hand as they emerged from the hall. Of course Sean understood.
When he looked back, he found Sean’s hand held out to him. He took it firmly, a truce and a promise, before Sean pulled him into to a crushing hug.
“You lay a hand on him, though, and I’ll kill you,” Sean murmured fiercely in his ear.
“I believe you,” Billy laughed, pulling away so Sean could see him, “And I’d go to my knees and let you.”
“Fucker,” Sean shook his head and studied his shoes, “Then I wouldn’t be able to do it.”
Billy looked Sean over in a new light. Here was another who saw what Dom couldn’t see in himself, who had the privilege of being his best friend, of working beside him and seeing every day what sort of person he was, and who loved him as close as family. Billy had pictured Sean with a certain jealousy since the day Dom had first spoken of him by a stream in the woods of New Zealand, but it was no longer with any malcontent.
Continue to
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Rating: PG
Pairing: Billy, Sean
Warnings: AU. This is an interlude within my BTS universe. It takes place during the events of TGS:Ch16.
Summary: Making amends.
Sean had been a very polite host throughout the holiday. Overly so, where Dom and Billy were involved, though he’d been very engaging with old Ian, who would otherwise have spent the holiday alone. Ever since the little boy had died, Dom had been giving his best friend a bit of a cold shoulder, which wasn’t making this the easiest dinner at Sean’s to get through.
Billy himself was used to holidays spent alone and uncelebrated. On the ship, holidays were work, same as any other day, and otherwise they were of little consequence. Even the years spent with Bean, invariably one or the other of them was working, and Christmas or a birthday was glorified with little more than a quiet drink and a pat on the back, and that was fine with him. But Dom needed to be pushed out of the house most days, and Ian had nowhere else to go, so Thanksgiving at Sean’s it was. It proved interesting at any rate; Billy had never celebrated a holiday where the entire point was to eat until he couldn’t anymore.
Allie hadn’t meant to spill, and what kid does, really? It was enough to bring Sean’s temper out, though, and enough for the sharp little lass to give some right back. Billy tipped her wink for that, while Dom followed her to her room to pick out a clean dress. Christine, the poor woman, was doing her damnedest to keep the world in check, and eventually she told her husband flatly to just leave her to the carpet and take a breath, and to shut the door, the cold was coming in. Sean threw up his hands and did those three things, turning out to face the breeze and hesitating when he found Billy already occupying the terrace. Dom wasn’t playing the buffer for either of them anymore.
Billy silently offered the bottle Dom had left with him. It was a Pinot Grigio, some Australian brand that went fairly well with Christine’s turkey. Sean declined, but pocketed his hands and came up to the railing himself, looking out across the park.
“I suppose this is the usual Thanksgiving family fun I’ve heard about in the movies?” Billy tried lightly.
Sean snorted, “Thank god Mom and Dad aren’t here this year. I dunno if I could-” he stopped short and just shook his head.
Billy didn’t press for more. He knew next to nothing about Sean’s parents and didn’t need to know. But it hadn’t occurred to him until now that Sean, like Dom, might be coming home from work everyday to his wife and daughters in the same black mood, and now they were hosting a dinner that invariably brought stress levels up higher for all involved. It made him feel uncomfortable. It reminded him of Elijah, for some reason, and he briefly wondered what the little shit was up to down in New Zealand, and if he was staying out of trouble. Elijah had never talked much about holidays.
“It was a good dinner,” Billy said, just to say something. “I’ve never had candied yams. Seemed like pudding in the middle of a meal, but…”
“That’s what Dom said, too, the first time.”
The quiet stretched, if it could be quiet in this city. Sean had brought the subject right around all by himself, and now it hung there like someone else’s under-things on a line for all to see.
“Thank you for calling me,” Billy spoke slowly, “That night, at the hospital.” It was grasping, but it was something.
Sean nodded and shrugged, “He wouldn’t come with me. He won’t, you know, once he gets like that.” He exhaled, and it hung in the air. “I… I really thought Ryan would make it. We all did. And Dom was… he was doing so well, I just didn’t want to tell him. It was better when… fuck. Such a fucking awful thing to say.”
“What?” Billy prodded.
Sean took the wine bottle and gulped from it, “In September. That girl with…. Well, she died before we could do anything. I’d say it was better, but…”
Billy shook his head, “It wasn’t.”
“No, it wasn’t,” Sean agreed, “I shouldn’t have said it.”
“I thought about leaving him, back then,” Billy confessed, staring out at the skyline. He felt Sean’s eyes on him, but didn’t meet them. “I thought about it all the time.”
There were few things Billy felt shame for, but all of them were enormous, and had to be pushed far back, away from his view and anyone else’s. Causing his parents’ deaths. Leaving Maggie. Beating people near to death. Trusting people who didn’t deserve it, and misjudging those who did.
Sean was still watching him. “Why didn’t you?”
“He took me back. Every day, he’d come home from work and make it so fucking hard to walk away. Even… even when we had that fight. I scared the fuck out of him, and me, and you, and he took me back,” Billy gave an incredulous shake of his head, and looked at Sean, “I wouldn’t have taken me back. You wouldn’t have. He did.”
“Then why the hell leave?” Sean asked next, “People spend their whole lives looking for that kind of thing.”
Billy studied Sean’s stony face, the distrust in his eyes that Billy deserved, as well as the ferocious love of Dom that he more than understood. He chuckled at his own stupidity. “You know what’s more terrifying than being alone for all the shite you’ve brought down on yourself? Being loved anyway, in spite of it all.”
He dropped his eyes to shoes and took a centering breath or two, before looking back up, “Look, I know you don’t believe it, but I am sorry for what I did to you. And… I might always owe you on it.”
Sean’s expression didn’t change. “Why? You owe me an explanation, at least.”
Billy nodded, looking out over the view from the terrace. “There are places I’ve been - and I mean that in more ways than one, you know?” He looked up to confirm Sean’s understanding - “Places I’ve been and things I’ve done that I… that I may never tell him about. I’m not proud of those things, and I have to live with them. I’ve told him the worst of it, but I don’t think he understands. Not really.” He looked back up, “And he shouldn’t have to. He’s got enough on him, Sean. I won’t add to it.”
Sean looked away, leaning on the railing. “So you’re protecting him, not yourself.”
“Of course I’m protecting myself,” Billy laughed humourlessly, “I’ve told you I’m a selfish bastard. I’ve had to be, to survive out there. Do you think I’d have lasted for years on the streets if I wasn’t? Do you think any of the kids you're paid to save would, if they hadn’t learnt from the off that the only person you can depend on is yourself? Why do you think, Sean, once they’ve seen how hard the world is, it takes so fucking long to get them to let you in?
“And then ask yourself why Dominic is so good at it.”
Sean’s eyes studied him, not scrutinizing now, but curious. Billy could see the same questions in Sean’s head that were in Dom’s, the same sympathetic nature, the same driving need to set himself aside and help, even as he’d seen Sean flinch at the very possibility of being struck, back in that stable, like one who knew what was coming.
Billy shook his head and looked away, “You’re his mentor, you taught him. You’re of the same mind, you’ve the same selflessness that I never thought I could have when I was out there on my own. I want to be better. For him and for… for everyone else I’ve done wrong. He makes me want to be better.”
They stood for some minutes leaning on the terrace railing. Sean took up the wine bottle and offered it. Billy took a gulp and handed it back. Sean drained it and used it to gesture to the city at large. “Sometimes I think Dom would try to help every poor screwed-up kid out there, even if they robbed him at gunpoint.”
Billy agreed with a hum.
“If you were with him, though…”
“I’d kill them,” Billy finished.
Sean said nothing. Maybe confirmation of that fact was too much, that Billy had it in him.
“I would,” he stood up straighter, defiant on this point, “I know he wouldn’t forgive me that, but if anyone dared try to hurt him, I’d fight, and I’d finish it.”
Sean looked back. There wasn’t repulsion or disgust in his eyes, but understanding. “I believe you.”
Billy glanced back through the doors, able to see Christine in the kitchen, and Mackie rapt by the TV with Lizzie on his knee, and Allie leading Dom by the hand as they emerged from the hall. Of course Sean understood.
When he looked back, he found Sean’s hand held out to him. He took it firmly, a truce and a promise, before Sean pulled him into to a crushing hug.
“You lay a hand on him, though, and I’ll kill you,” Sean murmured fiercely in his ear.
“I believe you,” Billy laughed, pulling away so Sean could see him, “And I’d go to my knees and let you.”
“Fucker,” Sean shook his head and studied his shoes, “Then I wouldn’t be able to do it.”
Billy looked Sean over in a new light. Here was another who saw what Dom couldn’t see in himself, who had the privilege of being his best friend, of working beside him and seeing every day what sort of person he was, and who loved him as close as family. Billy had pictured Sean with a certain jealousy since the day Dom had first spoken of him by a stream in the woods of New Zealand, but it was no longer with any malcontent.
Continue to
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN