Random thoughts about death and coping with loss
I sympathize and pray comfort for those of my friends in the filk community who have lost loved ones recently.
I just wanted to share some random thoughts I have about death, loss, and helping friends and family cope when someone they love dies.
When you just don't know what to say, one of the best things to say is "I just don't know what to say," It's a start.
What can you do? Hugs are good. Offers of help are good. Even if you feel like you want to avoid cliches, sometimes they are all you can think of. It's ok to just say "I'm so sorry for your loss."
Someone who lost her husband at a young age said to me "What I have learned from this is that it just f***ing sucks." Yeah. Damn.
It's hard to know sometimes how a person will respond to "They're in a better place now." It might provide comfort to one person, but just make another one angry. It's perhaps more prudent to just listen instead of talking when you don't know.
When someone young dies by their own hand, even if I barely knew them, it makes me feel such regret that I didn't get to know them, that I wasn't there to share with them my experiences of depression and thoughts of suicide, and how I got past those terrible times. I wish that I had been able to provide hope and help. But to an extent, that is a sin of pride. We all want to think that if we only could have figured out "the right thing to say" it would have prevented this from happening. But you can do and say all the "right things" in the world, and still not be able to prevent a suicide. If the person isn't able to take it in, you can't make them. I know that those left behind feel rage, guilt, and terrible sadness. I share in those feelings, and I can also feel a great deal of sympathy. There but for the grace of God go I.
There are many people whom I never knew, who have passed away, and then I read all of these wonderful memories shared by their friends, here on Live Journal, and on Facebook, and I think "Wow, I wish that I had known him/her, and now I never will get to." I now make more of an effort to talk to people whose faces are familiar to me from years in fandom, but I have never spoken to before. I also accept the fact that I will never get to meet a lot of people. And it's OK. I'm so grateful for the folks I do get to meet and spend time with.
I have always been blessed with friends, but in recent years I have begun to make the effort to tell people that I love them, and appreciate them, some more often than I used to, and some for the first time. I want them to know it beyond a doubt. I realize that you never know when the last time you get to spend with someone will be, and it's good to take every opportunity for a smile, a hug, an expression of appreciation and gratitude that you can.
Even if we believe that death of each individual is "God's will", if we believe in an afterlife, that we will be with all of our dear departed ones in someplace heavenly, it still hurts to experience the loss of that person right here, right now. It's important to acknowledge those feelings.
There is no one "right way" to grieve, no one "right amount of time" to grieve. There is only one way to get to the healing, and that is to go through the pain. Thank goodness we have loved ones to share and to care, to help us in our darkest hours, to provide solace, listening ears, steadfast shoulders, encircling arms. Because really, it just f***king sucks.
I just wanted to share some random thoughts I have about death, loss, and helping friends and family cope when someone they love dies.
When you just don't know what to say, one of the best things to say is "I just don't know what to say," It's a start.
What can you do? Hugs are good. Offers of help are good. Even if you feel like you want to avoid cliches, sometimes they are all you can think of. It's ok to just say "I'm so sorry for your loss."
Someone who lost her husband at a young age said to me "What I have learned from this is that it just f***ing sucks." Yeah. Damn.
It's hard to know sometimes how a person will respond to "They're in a better place now." It might provide comfort to one person, but just make another one angry. It's perhaps more prudent to just listen instead of talking when you don't know.
When someone young dies by their own hand, even if I barely knew them, it makes me feel such regret that I didn't get to know them, that I wasn't there to share with them my experiences of depression and thoughts of suicide, and how I got past those terrible times. I wish that I had been able to provide hope and help. But to an extent, that is a sin of pride. We all want to think that if we only could have figured out "the right thing to say" it would have prevented this from happening. But you can do and say all the "right things" in the world, and still not be able to prevent a suicide. If the person isn't able to take it in, you can't make them. I know that those left behind feel rage, guilt, and terrible sadness. I share in those feelings, and I can also feel a great deal of sympathy. There but for the grace of God go I.
There are many people whom I never knew, who have passed away, and then I read all of these wonderful memories shared by their friends, here on Live Journal, and on Facebook, and I think "Wow, I wish that I had known him/her, and now I never will get to." I now make more of an effort to talk to people whose faces are familiar to me from years in fandom, but I have never spoken to before. I also accept the fact that I will never get to meet a lot of people. And it's OK. I'm so grateful for the folks I do get to meet and spend time with.
I have always been blessed with friends, but in recent years I have begun to make the effort to tell people that I love them, and appreciate them, some more often than I used to, and some for the first time. I want them to know it beyond a doubt. I realize that you never know when the last time you get to spend with someone will be, and it's good to take every opportunity for a smile, a hug, an expression of appreciation and gratitude that you can.
Even if we believe that death of each individual is "God's will", if we believe in an afterlife, that we will be with all of our dear departed ones in someplace heavenly, it still hurts to experience the loss of that person right here, right now. It's important to acknowledge those feelings.
There is no one "right way" to grieve, no one "right amount of time" to grieve. There is only one way to get to the healing, and that is to go through the pain. Thank goodness we have loved ones to share and to care, to help us in our darkest hours, to provide solace, listening ears, steadfast shoulders, encircling arms. Because really, it just f***king sucks.