Strange things you can find in your coffin
Title: The Valentine Papers
Fandom: Final Fantasy 7 (Bookworm: Oh goodies.. another FF7 abomination to set my spork on >:))
Culprit Author's Name: marinawings
Full Name (plus titles if any): Maena Moonglow (and we thought that piratemonkey was kidding when she gave her comic character the last name “Moonflower”… T_T)
Full Species: Apparently a human girl
Hair Color: “reddish blond hair spread like liquid gold” and ”copper-gold hair” .
Eyes: Step right up, folks, we have every eye-color you could desire: from light green through green-grey to a sparkling emerald green. No pushing or shoving, please, there’s enough for everybody.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Bookworm: Except having bigger boobs than Yuffie and making her angst about it… no, I can’t think of anything else. Babelfish: well, she’s got them freckles…
Speshul Possessions: a magic staff which is obviously speshul because the Sue: “ - don’t need material - she held up her staff -See? No materia. Just - just some kind of metal. I think it’s Mithril.”.
Annoying Origin: A human girl who claims that mother fell into a mako spring while giving birth (why should she be there then instead of lying nicely in her own cosy bed is beyond us. Why isn’t her kid ten thousand times more screwed up than Cloud and Sephiroth put together is beyond us as well. Oh, wait, she *is* screwed up. She is Mary Sue… *shudder* “Your baby” Magazine warns all you mothers-to-be: Mako springs can be bad for you… really >_<).
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters : This Sue claims herself to be just like Aeris. “I look like her, I act like her and Shinra is after me”... yes, but Aeris somehow made being the resident damsel in distress more bearable.
Annoying Sooper Speshul Abilities: not being able to use her magic properly.
(Bookworm: Argh! This goddamned Sue knows healing magic as well as fire-, ice-, thunder- and other offensive kinds of magic. Damn it, only Sephiroth and/or top class SOLDIERs know and are able to use all of them *spork* ><. ) Revealing this very fact to perfect strangers. Still being able to stay alive throughout ten friggin’ chapters, though.
DA PLOT:
The story looks like it was taking place after the events of FF7. Or at the very end of everybody's favourite childhood fairy tale of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. It doesn't matter really, because either way it violates the original plotline and sucks hopelessly.
Basically it starts in Nibelhelm. After defeating Sephiroth Vincent rejects his friends' suggestion to go and make himself useful (it's about Midgar needing to be rebuilt or sth) - instead he comes back to the Shinra Mansion to lie down in his comfy coffin and sulk even more than usual. But then - surprise! - he finds out that his coffin is already occupied by a good-for-nothing bloody daughter-of-a-Dorky Head….err.. I mean a Sue. For some unknown reasons he feels compelled to touch her face. The girl shrieks, tries to slap him (but fails miserably) and calls him a Shinra scum. Vincent bridles up at being called a Shinra, then mentions something about being able to kill the Sue on the spot. (See? You got the right idea, Vin... and you just had to drop it, did you?... shit). He must really look like a trustworthy fellow - with that claw and stuff - because she puts away her staff and tells him about how much she sucks in using her own magic. After a short chit-chat Da Shinra Hunters (four guys with a villan named Thorn in charge) burst in to capture and/or kill our dear heroine. Then it's the usual: the bad guy has a ridiculous speech, Sue plays the damsel in distress with Vincent doing the dirty work (and eventually getting shot in the gut). Sue drags him outside and, despite her magic management issues, manages to send a light signal to Cid, who happens to be Vincent’s bestest friend. So Cid arrives with the Highwind and hauls Sue and Vincent aboard. He looks very worried about and insists that the Sue told him everything that is necessary to help Vincent, so the Sue tells him the angsty story of her life. Aboard the ship she is being taken care of by Shera and Yuffie who concentrate on giving her a new outfit because that's what a person who spent a night sleeping in the snow really needs. Shera orders Yuffie to fetch her some of her clothes but reminds her to pick those that won't make the Sue 'look like a slut' (babelfish: I died here. Literally died and had to be reanimated with rum and coke. I'm not responsible for fanart-drawers and their twisted works but in the game Yuffie wears freakin' trainers, woolen gaiters, shorts and a friggin' turtleneck shirt. I mean, *I* dress a lot like Yuffie. Would the Suethor describe me as slut-looking? I hope she would... face to face preferably *sharpens spork*). They give her a “short blue dress with straps” because that's like, the most comfortable thing to wear on an airship in freakin’ winter. Then Sue goes off to see Vincent and there's a lot of incoherent blabber about Vincent wanting to die and Sue not letting him.
The gang agrees, that they should all head towards Cosmo Canyon so that the local healers can heal Vincent’s injuries (Bookworm: I’m just speechless. During their last quest they used Potions, Elixirs and Remedies all the way…. Even when battling Behemoths and Jenova. And now what? They’re going all the way to Cosmo Canyon just to get two stupid wounds healed? Blah!). On the arrival Sue, thanks to her sooper speshul abilities, senses that something is wrong but cannot quite explain what it is (which makes the abilities pretty useless, really). The canyon looks deserted, but… Yes, you’re guessing right, it’s a trap set by the Thorn guy with the help of the Turks - and some shadowy, mysterious figure. After a short debate our heroes decided it would be best that one person climbed up and investigated the scene. Strangely enough, Vincent, who was on the verge on passing out just a few minutes ago, suddenly becomes the only one who can do it properly. (Bookworm: This Suethor emphasizes how graceful, quiet and what a skilled sneaker Vincent is. Surely, caped men with metal claws, boots and guns are surely the best sneakers available. Oh, and the more they’ve slept motionlessly in their coffins, the better. I mean, we all know sleeping in a coffin is so bodybuilding…) So he climbs up the ladder does some investigating and then there's this
really crappy fighting sequence. The mysterious man with the Turks turns out to be some ooltrah-sooper-shtrong-obssesed-with-the-SUE baddie. Vincent recalls knowing him once, but this is as far as it goes because he immediately faints and forgets. Plus, he gets hurt protecting the Sue… then Sue saves the day… you know the drill. Then we have the part when they get back to the airship…..and some angst….and angst…and yet more angst…
Oh, and did we say that they headed after Thorn? Then during the night Vincent has a dream about Lucretia and calls her by her name which causes the Sue (who merely happened to overhear him from the corridor and was definitely *not* sleeping with him at the time), to throw a huge tantrum and start addressing Vincent as "Mr.Valentine" in return. And after she proves yet again just how stupid she is, we have another battle with the Shinra Materia Hunters. It ends up with a giant blue robot looking ‘just like Proud Clod’ setting his robotic foot on the airship and staying there.
(babelfish: it does not end really… The massacre has ten chapters and is still in progress, but I
wouldn't be able to read any more of this, not even if they paid me my week's salary for each following chapter).
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:
My angst can bite your angst, or Welcome home, Vincent.
Chapter One
It was a cold night in the mountains near Nibelheim. Starts just like a cheap horror story… Vincent Valentine welcomed the cold. Maybe it would steal away his life the way the lives of Lucretia and Aeris and all the rest had been stolen. Lives lost to evil. Pathos level high, missiles loaded, ready for take off. He stood slowly, stretching his thin frame. Would he ever find peace?
Vincent had felt lost after the defeat of Sephiroth. He had felt like an outsider, not one of the core group. And because of this, he had turned down Cid’s offer to travel the continents in the Highwind. He had turned down Yuffie’s offer for a free vacation in Wutai. He had turned down Red’s offer of a sabbatical at Cosmo Canyon. And he had turned down the offer of Cloud, Tifa, Reeve, and Barrett to go with them to Midgar, where they would attempt to help the city recover from Shinra’s maltreatment Geee, what a self-centered bastard…
Instead, he had returned here-to Nibelheim. He was going to return to the old Shinra mansion and attempt to recuperate from his sad past.
Slowly, silently, Vincent slipped into Nibelheim. No one saw him come. No one saw him slide cat-like from building to building. No one saw him enter the old mansion. Nope, no one noticed one of the many shadowy, caped figures with golden claws and heavy metal boots, running around the city with big rifles. Nope, not a thing.
It was silent and cold inside the Shinra Mansion. Vincent fell a chill run up his slender back as he eyed the familiar sight. The curved staircase, the oddly tiled floors. It was all something he had seen before.
Slowly, he walked towards the staircase.
[…]
Finally, Vincent reached the basement of the old Shinra Mansion. It was just as he had left it on that day when he had joined Cloud and the others-silent and cold, save for the occasional rustling of bats on the ceiling or fiends lurking in the shadows. He prayed there were none to disturb him now. If they did, he might find himself transformed into one of the beasts Hojo the mad scientist had infused into his body. Cloud disturbed him once. Nothing happened. Then he bugged him the second time. Still nothing, if we don’t count Vincent joining the A-team. Really, it’s not like an Incredible Hulk or something - get out, get mad, repeat as needed. Really >< .
Vincent kept walking down the misty hallway of the basement until he came to a door, the door to the coffin room, the room that held his coffin, the coffin he had used for a bed as punishment This looks like a job for Redundancy Department! for his failure-his failure to protect the one he loved.
Vincent inserted the key into the lock of the door. As he did so, his touch caused the door to swing opened. He frowned. What was going on? He had not been back in a long time. Who else could be inside?
Slowly, with the skillful grace he so often used, Vincent peeked Vincent used his grace for peeking?.. And often?... We wonder who he might have peeked on… around the door and into the dank coffin room. It appeared undisturbed. Then, he spied a staff leaning against one of the coffins. It was a staff so like one that Aeris would have used, a wizard’s staff. And the lid to his coffin-it was opened.
Cautiously, Vincent crept into the room and closed the door behind him. He made no noise and he tiptoed to the side of the coffin. Taking a deep breath, he peered inside. The sight he saw was beautiful. Inside the coffin laid a sleeping girl in a blue silk dress *headddesk* OK, when the sleeping beauty did it, it was kinda cute. But when a Sue does it, I would rather welcome a wolf in woman’s panties (think Shrek 2), her reddish blond hair spread like liquid gold on the coffin’s lining. Long, dark lashes fanned across her high cheekbones. Her nose was long and a bit pointed, her brows dark and thick. Freckles settled lightly on her cheeks like sprinklings of tiny rose petals. Her lips were bright pink, her ears tiny and well formed. The girl in the coffin was beautiful Is this a spork I see before me?...
Vincent for some reason could not help but touch her. His burgundy eyes fixed on her face and his long, slender fingers reached out and brushed her cheek...
Suddenly, the girl screamed and sat up, her gray-green eyes huge. Her hands shot out and clamped onto Vincent’s thin wrist. She sat there for a moment, staring at him and panting, then her eyes narrowed and she drew back a hand to slap him babelfish: I’m waiting for Vincent to start wondering whether he deserved it… is this what you call too many fandoms?
Vincent gasped in surprise, jerked his arm from her grip, and back-flipped to safety, causing the girl to lose her balance and topple from the coffin.
Quick as a flash, the girl grabbed the wizard’s staff, leaped to her feet, and pointed her weapon at Vincent. “Get away from me, Shinra scum!!” she exclaimed. “If you don’t, I’ll freeze you, burn you, and strike you with lightning!!”
Vincent held his hands in front of him, more scared for the girl than for himself WTF? “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Shinra scum? It’s been years since I worked for the Turks, girl. I was one of the ones who saved the world from Meteor, remember? If you feel like taking me on, fine, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. I could take you out before you reached me.”
This is probably the most idiotic sentence in the whole (NOTE!) chapter (babelfish: except for the girl in coffin introduction) because :
a) Why would Vincent want to explain himself to a snot, that he just found lying in his own personal coffin ?
b) Can you imagine Vincent being so self-confident ?
c) And above all… he said like whole 5 sentences in a row. And that’s quite a lot for the resident man of few words ;-p
For a moment, there was silence and stillness. Wow. At last something that Vincent would do.
Finally, the girl shrugged and lowered her staff. “You’re probably right,” she said quietly. “I’m sure you would beat me. I don’t-I don’t know how to control my magic really...”
“You mean, your materia?” Vincent relaxed and stepped towards her.
“No, my magic. I was born with it. I don’t need materia.” She held up her staff. “See? No materia. Just-just some kind of metal. I think it’s Mithril.” She looked at him shyly. “Sorry about attacking you. Since you’re not Shinra, who are you?”
“The name is Vincent Valentine.” He gave a theatrical bow oh really… did he stick a rose in his teeth as well? throwing his cape behind him. “I was one of Cloud Strife’s allies when he saved the world from Sephiroth and the Comet” A strange way to put it… since in the Avalanche team *everybody* claimed themselves to be leaders and Cloud was considered just a dummy to keep everybody else from catfighting ;->
“Hmm.” The girl stepped away from him. “I-I am Maena Moonglow. I’ve been running from Shinra all my life. I was so glad when Avalanche took over Midgar, after the Comet and all. I thought Shinra was gone.” She shook her head. “But no. They may be the outlaws now, but they pursue me still.” Because everybody knows that when you’re running away from Shinra the smartest thing to do is to go to the old Shinra Mansion and lay to sleep in an ex-Shinra’s coffin… smooth girl, real smooth.
Vincent stared at her. “Just like Aeris.”
Maena nodded. “Yes. So some have said. I look like her, I act like her, and Shinra is after me.” Maena perched on the edge of one of the closed coffins. “I suppose this is... your room?” She looked up at him with innocent eyes.
Vincent nodded. “Yes. It was for awhile. You see, I don’t know what to do now. I’m alone.” He shook his head sadly. “Without-without Lucretia...” He stopped. Why was he, the taciturn lone wolf about to tell his sad story to this strange, magical girl creature? Because in fact you’re anything but the taciturn lone wolf we came to love so much… You’re a pathetic #$%&# bastard... as Cid would kindly put it…
Suddenly, the sound of voices echoed down the hall.
Maena jumped to her feet, clutching her staff with both hands. “Shinra!” she exclaimed, sounding near to tears.
“It’s all right,” Vincent replied, feeling oddly as if he had found his place. Well, at least it was something to do. If protecting some innocent girl from an outlaw organization was his destiny, then so be it Poor, poor Vincent… does protecting Mary Sues really seem more appealing to you than getting bored to death and sulking in your coffin?... “We have to get out of here or they’ll have us cornered.” He went to Maena and took her hand in his. “Follow me, girl-and trust me.” He
led her from the coffin room as the sound of people coming grew louder.
Welcome to the Highwind, or You’ve got bigger boobs than I do
Cid nodded and began walking towards his airship with Maena following closely behind. “Yeah,” he said. “Got tired of rope ladders, so I had Shera (that’s my wife) help me fix up a big basket as a sorta elevator. &% of a lot better than a ladder. Yes sir.” He stopped before his mighty ship. “Shera!” he yelled. “Lower the basket!”
Immediately, a huge basket dropped to the ground in front of him.
Cid gave Maena a wink. “Usually, she’s slow as heck. Got lucky this time.” He gently placed Cid Who placed him? The supposedly dying Vincent?... (We know… We’re just nitpicking ;->) inside the basket/elevator and climbed in behind him, then he reached to pull Maena inside. “Now, girl, tell me what I need to know. This man here is my best friend, and a #%$ good man, so I suggest you tell me anything that would help me in helping him.”
Maena took a deep breath as the basket began to slowly rise. “Well, my name is Maena Moonglow. I have magic inside me. I haven’t told Vincent this, but I was born on Mount Nibel. My mother fell into a mako spring while giving birth to me, and I assume that accounts for my magic.”
Cid raised an eyebrow. “And your shiny green eyes.” Yessss… we’re pretty sure that the knowledge of Sue’s first name, last name, birthplace, her appearance and life story is essential to treat Vincent’s wounds properly.
Maena nodded. “Shinra has hunted me all of my life-as a government and as a terrorist organization. Last place I hid was the old Shinra Mansion. Vincent found me there last night. And a Shinra materia hunter named Thorn attacked us. Vincent transformed into this... this creature. He protected me. And he was shot doing so. He saved my life...” Her throat tightened.
Cid gave her a wry stare. “How bad are his injuries?”
They were almost to the deck.
“Really bad,” Maena replied You should have started with it, dumbass. her voice shaky. “His shoulder was hit. That one’s not so bad, but he was also shot right under his ribs, and that bullet is still in him. I-I couldn’t heal him. I tried. Somehow, my magic doesn’t come when I want it, but when it wants it.”
“&%$.” Cid shook his head. “Poor kids. Both of ya… Gimme a break. Vincent is at least twenty years older than you… sonny ;-p” He stood. “Here we are.”
The basket was pulled over the railing by some kind of rope contraption. Cid instantly hopped out of the basket. “Shera! Yuffie!” he yelled in his scratchy voice. “Get up here! Vincent’s hurt!” He turned and gave Maena a roguish smile. “Welcome to the Highwind, kid.”
[…]
Shera took Maena’s arm. “Come on. Let me show you to the cabin.” Her motherly eyes encouraged Maena to follow.
“Who are you?” Yuffie asked, staring boldly at the new arrival to the airship.
“Maena Moonglow.” Maena decided to quickly earn the immature girl’s respect. “I’m a wizard,” she added ominously.
It worked.
“Whoa! You mean, you don’t need materia? How awesome is that!?” Yuffie did a twirl, almost losing her balance. “Wow! We’ve got a wizard!”
The three women came to the cabin door.
“You were born with materia inside!?” Yuffie whispered to Maena, leaning in to peer at her eyes.
“Yes,” said Maena.
“Well!” Yuffie crossed her arms. “After all this is over (whatever all this is), you absolutely must come to my hometown. So if you would just-“
“Yuffie!” Shera exclaimed. “Hush!” She turned to Maena with another motherly smile. “She’s a bit obsessed with materia, Miss Moonglow.” To our best knowledge Yuffie sure is obsessed with materia but just the one that she can snatch and steal. On the other hand we would really like to see Yuffie snatching the materia the Sue had inside her… maybe it would require gutting the Sue, but… oh well… we all have to make sacrifices ;->
“I can tell.” Maena studied Yuffie with amusement.
Soon, Shera was leading Maena through the depths of the airship and into her new room. It was a small room with metal walls, a tiny bunk, and a wooden chest. Maena stood in the middle of it, feeling suddenly out of place. She turned and looked at the two other women. They were watching her with interest. Maena felt hopeless. “What-what...?” she stammered, not sure exactly what she wanted to say. “What am I... to wear?” she blurted.
Yuffie and Shera looked at each other.
“Well...” Shera began slowly.
“You can wear my clothes!” Yuffie finished with speed. Then she frowned, her childish face petulant. “But... you’ve got bigger boobs than I do...”
“Yuffie!” Shera gave the girl a shove. “Control your mouth!” She beamed at Maena, who was surpressing a giggle. “You can wear a combination of our clothes.” She eyed the silky blue dress that Maena wore. “That is a lovely dress you have on. I am sure you don’t want it to be ruined.” She turned to Yuffie with the mannerisms of a queen. “Yuffie Kisaragi, would you please get some clothing for Miss Moonglow?”
“Sure thing!” Yuffie exclaimed, starting out the door.
Shera grabbed the back of Yuffie’s collar. “Make sure that you get stuff that she can fit and that won’t make her look like a slut!”
Yuffie giggled evilly. “Why would I do anything like that?” Then she was off.
Shera gave an exasperated sigh.
A Man For The Job
Maena hesitated. What were they doing? Did they not feel the evil in the air? Perhaps not. Perhaps she was just a coward, and the only one experiencing such overwhelming fear. So she followed along.
Yuffie reached the steps first and led the way into the caves. Maena was thankful that the young ninja was at least going at a cautious pace. To rush in headlong would be certain death, she was sure.
When they reached the ladder that would lead up to the rooms of the late Bugenhagen, Vincent spoke up. “Wait,” he said quietly, his voice a bit hoarse. “We can’t just... climb up there. Death may lie in wait above. We must have a plan.”
Cid shrugged. “That’s easy. I use my spear, Yuffie uses her shuriken, Maena uses her magic, and Shera takes care of you.”
Vincent shook his head. “It’s not so easy as that...” He trailed off, not sure how to persuade Cid Highwind.
Maena spoke up. “Cid, I believe Vincent is trying to say that we can’t just rush in and attack. I feel the same. Something is wrong here. It could be a trap, possibly laid by Thorn. We must use extreme caution.” She shivered as a chill ran up her spine. “I think the magic inside me is responding to something ahead of us-something evil. And it’s making me afraid...” She bit her lip.
“She’s got a point, Cap,” Yuffie said. “It would be TOTALLY stupid to rush into this.”
Cid finally nodded, frowning. “All right. Fine. We sneak up there.”
Yuffie wrinkled her nose. “Vincent’s the best sneaker. And he’s hurt.”
“No matter. I shall go.” Vincent stepped gingerly away from Cid and Shera.
“Vincent...” Shera began.
“No, I have to. I’m the slinker, remember?” He gave a cynical smile. “I will go up the ladder and into Bugenhagen’s quarters; there I will search out any signs of danger. Then, I will return and give my report.” The stupidity of this thing burns small holes in the brain. We need to go somewhere, make a reconnaissance and remain unnoticed. Why pick Yuffie who is small, agile and is a freakin’ *ninja*?? Let’s pick the tall, sickly guy with a claw for a hand, metal boots, a big gun and a bullet in his gut!... Yeah, he seems like the perfect man for the job. There should at least be a warning to the kids not to try this at home… >< His eyes were drawn to Maena, who was looking at him with her eyes wider than he had ever seen them. She stood stiffly, her arms rigid at her sides. He smiled slowly at her, feeling a rush of gratitude towards her For what exactly? For goggling her eyes out? She had explained his very thoughts to Cid. How had she done that? But... this was no time for such thoughts. There was a mission at hand.
Vincent grabbed onto the ladder and quietly went up it.
There was more but we’ve just picked out three. The whole fic is one big TexasMidgar Chainsaw Massacre.
Fandom: Final Fantasy 7 (Bookworm: Oh goodies.. another FF7 abomination to set my spork on >:))
Culprit Author's Name: marinawings
Full Name (plus titles if any): Maena Moonglow (and we thought that piratemonkey was kidding when she gave her comic character the last name “Moonflower”… T_T)
Full Species: Apparently a human girl
Hair Color: “reddish blond hair spread like liquid gold” and ”copper-gold hair” .
Eyes: Step right up, folks, we have every eye-color you could desire: from light green through green-grey to a sparkling emerald green. No pushing or shoving, please, there’s enough for everybody.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Bookworm: Except having bigger boobs than Yuffie and making her angst about it… no, I can’t think of anything else. Babelfish: well, she’s got them freckles…
Speshul Possessions: a magic staff which is obviously speshul because the Sue: “ - don’t need material - she held up her staff -See? No materia. Just - just some kind of metal. I think it’s Mithril.”.
Annoying Origin: A human girl who claims that mother fell into a mako spring while giving birth (why should she be there then instead of lying nicely in her own cosy bed is beyond us. Why isn’t her kid ten thousand times more screwed up than Cloud and Sephiroth put together is beyond us as well. Oh, wait, she *is* screwed up. She is Mary Sue… *shudder* “Your baby” Magazine warns all you mothers-to-be: Mako springs can be bad for you… really >_<).
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters : This Sue claims herself to be just like Aeris. “I look like her, I act like her and Shinra is after me”... yes, but Aeris somehow made being the resident damsel in distress more bearable.
Annoying Sooper Speshul Abilities: not being able to use her magic properly.
(Bookworm: Argh! This goddamned Sue knows healing magic as well as fire-, ice-, thunder- and other offensive kinds of magic. Damn it, only Sephiroth and/or top class SOLDIERs know and are able to use all of them *spork* ><. ) Revealing this very fact to perfect strangers. Still being able to stay alive throughout ten friggin’ chapters, though.
DA PLOT:
The story looks like it was taking place after the events of FF7. Or at the very end of everybody's favourite childhood fairy tale of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. It doesn't matter really, because either way it violates the original plotline and sucks hopelessly.
Basically it starts in Nibelhelm. After defeating Sephiroth Vincent rejects his friends' suggestion to go and make himself useful (it's about Midgar needing to be rebuilt or sth) - instead he comes back to the Shinra Mansion to lie down in his comfy coffin and sulk even more than usual. But then - surprise! - he finds out that his coffin is already occupied by a good-for-nothing bloody daughter-of-a-Dorky Head….err.. I mean a Sue. For some unknown reasons he feels compelled to touch her face. The girl shrieks, tries to slap him (but fails miserably) and calls him a Shinra scum. Vincent bridles up at being called a Shinra, then mentions something about being able to kill the Sue on the spot. (See? You got the right idea, Vin... and you just had to drop it, did you?... shit). He must really look like a trustworthy fellow - with that claw and stuff - because she puts away her staff and tells him about how much she sucks in using her own magic. After a short chit-chat Da Shinra Hunters (four guys with a villan named Thorn in charge) burst in to capture and/or kill our dear heroine. Then it's the usual: the bad guy has a ridiculous speech, Sue plays the damsel in distress with Vincent doing the dirty work (and eventually getting shot in the gut). Sue drags him outside and, despite her magic management issues, manages to send a light signal to Cid, who happens to be Vincent’s bestest friend. So Cid arrives with the Highwind and hauls Sue and Vincent aboard. He looks very worried about and insists that the Sue told him everything that is necessary to help Vincent, so the Sue tells him the angsty story of her life. Aboard the ship she is being taken care of by Shera and Yuffie who concentrate on giving her a new outfit because that's what a person who spent a night sleeping in the snow really needs. Shera orders Yuffie to fetch her some of her clothes but reminds her to pick those that won't make the Sue 'look like a slut' (babelfish: I died here. Literally died and had to be reanimated with rum and coke. I'm not responsible for fanart-drawers and their twisted works but in the game Yuffie wears freakin' trainers, woolen gaiters, shorts and a friggin' turtleneck shirt. I mean, *I* dress a lot like Yuffie. Would the Suethor describe me as slut-looking? I hope she would... face to face preferably *sharpens spork*). They give her a “short blue dress with straps” because that's like, the most comfortable thing to wear on an airship in freakin’ winter. Then Sue goes off to see Vincent and there's a lot of incoherent blabber about Vincent wanting to die and Sue not letting him.
The gang agrees, that they should all head towards Cosmo Canyon so that the local healers can heal Vincent’s injuries (Bookworm: I’m just speechless. During their last quest they used Potions, Elixirs and Remedies all the way…. Even when battling Behemoths and Jenova. And now what? They’re going all the way to Cosmo Canyon just to get two stupid wounds healed? Blah!). On the arrival Sue, thanks to her sooper speshul abilities, senses that something is wrong but cannot quite explain what it is (which makes the abilities pretty useless, really). The canyon looks deserted, but… Yes, you’re guessing right, it’s a trap set by the Thorn guy with the help of the Turks - and some shadowy, mysterious figure. After a short debate our heroes decided it would be best that one person climbed up and investigated the scene. Strangely enough, Vincent, who was on the verge on passing out just a few minutes ago, suddenly becomes the only one who can do it properly. (Bookworm: This Suethor emphasizes how graceful, quiet and what a skilled sneaker Vincent is. Surely, caped men with metal claws, boots and guns are surely the best sneakers available. Oh, and the more they’ve slept motionlessly in their coffins, the better. I mean, we all know sleeping in a coffin is so bodybuilding…) So he climbs up the ladder does some investigating and then there's this
really crappy fighting sequence. The mysterious man with the Turks turns out to be some ooltrah-sooper-shtrong-obssesed-with-the-SUE baddie. Vincent recalls knowing him once, but this is as far as it goes because he immediately faints and forgets. Plus, he gets hurt protecting the Sue… then Sue saves the day… you know the drill. Then we have the part when they get back to the airship…..and some angst….and angst…and yet more angst…
Oh, and did we say that they headed after Thorn? Then during the night Vincent has a dream about Lucretia and calls her by her name which causes the Sue (who merely happened to overhear him from the corridor and was definitely *not* sleeping with him at the time), to throw a huge tantrum and start addressing Vincent as "Mr.Valentine" in return. And after she proves yet again just how stupid she is, we have another battle with the Shinra Materia Hunters. It ends up with a giant blue robot looking ‘just like Proud Clod’ setting his robotic foot on the airship and staying there.
(babelfish: it does not end really… The massacre has ten chapters and is still in progress, but I
wouldn't be able to read any more of this, not even if they paid me my week's salary for each following chapter).
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:
My angst can bite your angst, or Welcome home, Vincent.
Chapter One
It was a cold night in the mountains near Nibelheim. Starts just like a cheap horror story… Vincent Valentine welcomed the cold. Maybe it would steal away his life the way the lives of Lucretia and Aeris and all the rest had been stolen. Lives lost to evil. Pathos level high, missiles loaded, ready for take off. He stood slowly, stretching his thin frame. Would he ever find peace?
Vincent had felt lost after the defeat of Sephiroth. He had felt like an outsider, not one of the core group. And because of this, he had turned down Cid’s offer to travel the continents in the Highwind. He had turned down Yuffie’s offer for a free vacation in Wutai. He had turned down Red’s offer of a sabbatical at Cosmo Canyon. And he had turned down the offer of Cloud, Tifa, Reeve, and Barrett to go with them to Midgar, where they would attempt to help the city recover from Shinra’s maltreatment Geee, what a self-centered bastard…
Instead, he had returned here-to Nibelheim. He was going to return to the old Shinra mansion and attempt to recuperate from his sad past.
Slowly, silently, Vincent slipped into Nibelheim. No one saw him come. No one saw him slide cat-like from building to building. No one saw him enter the old mansion. Nope, no one noticed one of the many shadowy, caped figures with golden claws and heavy metal boots, running around the city with big rifles. Nope, not a thing.
It was silent and cold inside the Shinra Mansion. Vincent fell a chill run up his slender back as he eyed the familiar sight. The curved staircase, the oddly tiled floors. It was all something he had seen before.
Slowly, he walked towards the staircase.
[…]
Finally, Vincent reached the basement of the old Shinra Mansion. It was just as he had left it on that day when he had joined Cloud and the others-silent and cold, save for the occasional rustling of bats on the ceiling or fiends lurking in the shadows. He prayed there were none to disturb him now. If they did, he might find himself transformed into one of the beasts Hojo the mad scientist had infused into his body. Cloud disturbed him once. Nothing happened. Then he bugged him the second time. Still nothing, if we don’t count Vincent joining the A-team. Really, it’s not like an Incredible Hulk or something - get out, get mad, repeat as needed. Really >< .
Vincent kept walking down the misty hallway of the basement until he came to a door, the door to the coffin room, the room that held his coffin, the coffin he had used for a bed as punishment This looks like a job for Redundancy Department! for his failure-his failure to protect the one he loved.
Vincent inserted the key into the lock of the door. As he did so, his touch caused the door to swing opened. He frowned. What was going on? He had not been back in a long time. Who else could be inside?
Slowly, with the skillful grace he so often used, Vincent peeked Vincent used his grace for peeking?.. And often?... We wonder who he might have peeked on… around the door and into the dank coffin room. It appeared undisturbed. Then, he spied a staff leaning against one of the coffins. It was a staff so like one that Aeris would have used, a wizard’s staff. And the lid to his coffin-it was opened.
Cautiously, Vincent crept into the room and closed the door behind him. He made no noise and he tiptoed to the side of the coffin. Taking a deep breath, he peered inside. The sight he saw was beautiful. Inside the coffin laid a sleeping girl in a blue silk dress *headddesk* OK, when the sleeping beauty did it, it was kinda cute. But when a Sue does it, I would rather welcome a wolf in woman’s panties (think Shrek 2), her reddish blond hair spread like liquid gold on the coffin’s lining. Long, dark lashes fanned across her high cheekbones. Her nose was long and a bit pointed, her brows dark and thick. Freckles settled lightly on her cheeks like sprinklings of tiny rose petals. Her lips were bright pink, her ears tiny and well formed. The girl in the coffin was beautiful Is this a spork I see before me?...
Vincent for some reason could not help but touch her. His burgundy eyes fixed on her face and his long, slender fingers reached out and brushed her cheek...
Suddenly, the girl screamed and sat up, her gray-green eyes huge. Her hands shot out and clamped onto Vincent’s thin wrist. She sat there for a moment, staring at him and panting, then her eyes narrowed and she drew back a hand to slap him babelfish: I’m waiting for Vincent to start wondering whether he deserved it… is this what you call too many fandoms?
Vincent gasped in surprise, jerked his arm from her grip, and back-flipped to safety, causing the girl to lose her balance and topple from the coffin.
Quick as a flash, the girl grabbed the wizard’s staff, leaped to her feet, and pointed her weapon at Vincent. “Get away from me, Shinra scum!!” she exclaimed. “If you don’t, I’ll freeze you, burn you, and strike you with lightning!!”
Vincent held his hands in front of him, more scared for the girl than for himself WTF? “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Shinra scum? It’s been years since I worked for the Turks, girl. I was one of the ones who saved the world from Meteor, remember? If you feel like taking me on, fine, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. I could take you out before you reached me.”
This is probably the most idiotic sentence in the whole (NOTE!) chapter (babelfish: except for the girl in coffin introduction) because :
a) Why would Vincent want to explain himself to a snot, that he just found lying in his own personal coffin ?
b) Can you imagine Vincent being so self-confident ?
c) And above all… he said like whole 5 sentences in a row. And that’s quite a lot for the resident man of few words ;-p
For a moment, there was silence and stillness. Wow. At last something that Vincent would do.
Finally, the girl shrugged and lowered her staff. “You’re probably right,” she said quietly. “I’m sure you would beat me. I don’t-I don’t know how to control my magic really...”
“You mean, your materia?” Vincent relaxed and stepped towards her.
“No, my magic. I was born with it. I don’t need materia.” She held up her staff. “See? No materia. Just-just some kind of metal. I think it’s Mithril.” She looked at him shyly. “Sorry about attacking you. Since you’re not Shinra, who are you?”
“The name is Vincent Valentine.” He gave a theatrical bow oh really… did he stick a rose in his teeth as well? throwing his cape behind him. “I was one of Cloud Strife’s allies when he saved the world from Sephiroth and the Comet” A strange way to put it… since in the Avalanche team *everybody* claimed themselves to be leaders and Cloud was considered just a dummy to keep everybody else from catfighting ;->
“Hmm.” The girl stepped away from him. “I-I am Maena Moonglow. I’ve been running from Shinra all my life. I was so glad when Avalanche took over Midgar, after the Comet and all. I thought Shinra was gone.” She shook her head. “But no. They may be the outlaws now, but they pursue me still.” Because everybody knows that when you’re running away from Shinra the smartest thing to do is to go to the old Shinra Mansion and lay to sleep in an ex-Shinra’s coffin… smooth girl, real smooth.
Vincent stared at her. “Just like Aeris.”
Maena nodded. “Yes. So some have said. I look like her, I act like her, and Shinra is after me.” Maena perched on the edge of one of the closed coffins. “I suppose this is... your room?” She looked up at him with innocent eyes.
Vincent nodded. “Yes. It was for awhile. You see, I don’t know what to do now. I’m alone.” He shook his head sadly. “Without-without Lucretia...” He stopped. Why was he, the taciturn lone wolf about to tell his sad story to this strange, magical girl creature? Because in fact you’re anything but the taciturn lone wolf we came to love so much… You’re a pathetic #$%&# bastard... as Cid would kindly put it…
Suddenly, the sound of voices echoed down the hall.
Maena jumped to her feet, clutching her staff with both hands. “Shinra!” she exclaimed, sounding near to tears.
“It’s all right,” Vincent replied, feeling oddly as if he had found his place. Well, at least it was something to do. If protecting some innocent girl from an outlaw organization was his destiny, then so be it Poor, poor Vincent… does protecting Mary Sues really seem more appealing to you than getting bored to death and sulking in your coffin?... “We have to get out of here or they’ll have us cornered.” He went to Maena and took her hand in his. “Follow me, girl-and trust me.” He
led her from the coffin room as the sound of people coming grew louder.
Welcome to the Highwind, or You’ve got bigger boobs than I do
Cid nodded and began walking towards his airship with Maena following closely behind. “Yeah,” he said. “Got tired of rope ladders, so I had Shera (that’s my wife) help me fix up a big basket as a sorta elevator. &% of a lot better than a ladder. Yes sir.” He stopped before his mighty ship. “Shera!” he yelled. “Lower the basket!”
Immediately, a huge basket dropped to the ground in front of him.
Cid gave Maena a wink. “Usually, she’s slow as heck. Got lucky this time.” He gently placed Cid Who placed him? The supposedly dying Vincent?... (We know… We’re just nitpicking ;->) inside the basket/elevator and climbed in behind him, then he reached to pull Maena inside. “Now, girl, tell me what I need to know. This man here is my best friend, and a #%$ good man, so I suggest you tell me anything that would help me in helping him.”
Maena took a deep breath as the basket began to slowly rise. “Well, my name is Maena Moonglow. I have magic inside me. I haven’t told Vincent this, but I was born on Mount Nibel. My mother fell into a mako spring while giving birth to me, and I assume that accounts for my magic.”
Cid raised an eyebrow. “And your shiny green eyes.” Yessss… we’re pretty sure that the knowledge of Sue’s first name, last name, birthplace, her appearance and life story is essential to treat Vincent’s wounds properly.
Maena nodded. “Shinra has hunted me all of my life-as a government and as a terrorist organization. Last place I hid was the old Shinra Mansion. Vincent found me there last night. And a Shinra materia hunter named Thorn attacked us. Vincent transformed into this... this creature. He protected me. And he was shot doing so. He saved my life...” Her throat tightened.
Cid gave her a wry stare. “How bad are his injuries?”
They were almost to the deck.
“Really bad,” Maena replied You should have started with it, dumbass. her voice shaky. “His shoulder was hit. That one’s not so bad, but he was also shot right under his ribs, and that bullet is still in him. I-I couldn’t heal him. I tried. Somehow, my magic doesn’t come when I want it, but when it wants it.”
“&%$.” Cid shook his head. “Poor kids. Both of ya… Gimme a break. Vincent is at least twenty years older than you… sonny ;-p” He stood. “Here we are.”
The basket was pulled over the railing by some kind of rope contraption. Cid instantly hopped out of the basket. “Shera! Yuffie!” he yelled in his scratchy voice. “Get up here! Vincent’s hurt!” He turned and gave Maena a roguish smile. “Welcome to the Highwind, kid.”
[…]
Shera took Maena’s arm. “Come on. Let me show you to the cabin.” Her motherly eyes encouraged Maena to follow.
“Who are you?” Yuffie asked, staring boldly at the new arrival to the airship.
“Maena Moonglow.” Maena decided to quickly earn the immature girl’s respect. “I’m a wizard,” she added ominously.
It worked.
“Whoa! You mean, you don’t need materia? How awesome is that!?” Yuffie did a twirl, almost losing her balance. “Wow! We’ve got a wizard!”
The three women came to the cabin door.
“You were born with materia inside!?” Yuffie whispered to Maena, leaning in to peer at her eyes.
“Yes,” said Maena.
“Well!” Yuffie crossed her arms. “After all this is over (whatever all this is), you absolutely must come to my hometown. So if you would just-“
“Yuffie!” Shera exclaimed. “Hush!” She turned to Maena with another motherly smile. “She’s a bit obsessed with materia, Miss Moonglow.” To our best knowledge Yuffie sure is obsessed with materia but just the one that she can snatch and steal. On the other hand we would really like to see Yuffie snatching the materia the Sue had inside her… maybe it would require gutting the Sue, but… oh well… we all have to make sacrifices ;->
“I can tell.” Maena studied Yuffie with amusement.
Soon, Shera was leading Maena through the depths of the airship and into her new room. It was a small room with metal walls, a tiny bunk, and a wooden chest. Maena stood in the middle of it, feeling suddenly out of place. She turned and looked at the two other women. They were watching her with interest. Maena felt hopeless. “What-what...?” she stammered, not sure exactly what she wanted to say. “What am I... to wear?” she blurted.
Yuffie and Shera looked at each other.
“Well...” Shera began slowly.
“You can wear my clothes!” Yuffie finished with speed. Then she frowned, her childish face petulant. “But... you’ve got bigger boobs than I do...”
“Yuffie!” Shera gave the girl a shove. “Control your mouth!” She beamed at Maena, who was surpressing a giggle. “You can wear a combination of our clothes.” She eyed the silky blue dress that Maena wore. “That is a lovely dress you have on. I am sure you don’t want it to be ruined.” She turned to Yuffie with the mannerisms of a queen. “Yuffie Kisaragi, would you please get some clothing for Miss Moonglow?”
“Sure thing!” Yuffie exclaimed, starting out the door.
Shera grabbed the back of Yuffie’s collar. “Make sure that you get stuff that she can fit and that won’t make her look like a slut!”
Yuffie giggled evilly. “Why would I do anything like that?” Then she was off.
Shera gave an exasperated sigh.
A Man For The Job
Maena hesitated. What were they doing? Did they not feel the evil in the air? Perhaps not. Perhaps she was just a coward, and the only one experiencing such overwhelming fear. So she followed along.
Yuffie reached the steps first and led the way into the caves. Maena was thankful that the young ninja was at least going at a cautious pace. To rush in headlong would be certain death, she was sure.
When they reached the ladder that would lead up to the rooms of the late Bugenhagen, Vincent spoke up. “Wait,” he said quietly, his voice a bit hoarse. “We can’t just... climb up there. Death may lie in wait above. We must have a plan.”
Cid shrugged. “That’s easy. I use my spear, Yuffie uses her shuriken, Maena uses her magic, and Shera takes care of you.”
Vincent shook his head. “It’s not so easy as that...” He trailed off, not sure how to persuade Cid Highwind.
Maena spoke up. “Cid, I believe Vincent is trying to say that we can’t just rush in and attack. I feel the same. Something is wrong here. It could be a trap, possibly laid by Thorn. We must use extreme caution.” She shivered as a chill ran up her spine. “I think the magic inside me is responding to something ahead of us-something evil. And it’s making me afraid...” She bit her lip.
“She’s got a point, Cap,” Yuffie said. “It would be TOTALLY stupid to rush into this.”
Cid finally nodded, frowning. “All right. Fine. We sneak up there.”
Yuffie wrinkled her nose. “Vincent’s the best sneaker. And he’s hurt.”
“No matter. I shall go.” Vincent stepped gingerly away from Cid and Shera.
“Vincent...” Shera began.
“No, I have to. I’m the slinker, remember?” He gave a cynical smile. “I will go up the ladder and into Bugenhagen’s quarters; there I will search out any signs of danger. Then, I will return and give my report.” The stupidity of this thing burns small holes in the brain. We need to go somewhere, make a reconnaissance and remain unnoticed. Why pick Yuffie who is small, agile and is a freakin’ *ninja*?? Let’s pick the tall, sickly guy with a claw for a hand, metal boots, a big gun and a bullet in his gut!... Yeah, he seems like the perfect man for the job. There should at least be a warning to the kids not to try this at home… >< His eyes were drawn to Maena, who was looking at him with her eyes wider than he had ever seen them. She stood stiffly, her arms rigid at her sides. He smiled slowly at her, feeling a rush of gratitude towards her For what exactly? For goggling her eyes out? She had explained his very thoughts to Cid. How had she done that? But... this was no time for such thoughts. There was a mission at hand.
Vincent grabbed onto the ladder and quietly went up it.
There was more but we’ve just picked out three. The whole fic is one big TexasMidgar Chainsaw Massacre.