Writing Meta: Negative Feedback Loops
It looks like I made a list with that cut-tag, so let's start with that, I guess. Except not in order.
Negative Habits of Self-Talk
For a several years, I had a beta who was very supportive and everything was awesome. And from that beta, I learned to stop abusing commas and the word 'that', my fics turned out more polished, the ideas more solid, and I was introduced (and pulled into) several fandoms I may have found on my own, but it would have taken me longer.
Awesome beta is awesome, okay?
But somewhere in time, our relationship changed. Part of it was that relaxation of boundaries and filters that occurs when you've known someone long enough that TMI becomes nonexistent, you know exactly how well you both take criticism, and you feel free to offer opinions that you wouldn't give to another author you didn't know half so well.
Those opinions are all well and fine, but somewhere along the way, I internalized certain criticisms, not just of my writing in specific, but of writing in general. Plots, characterizations, themes, style. The whole yard. I invested a lot of time into someone else's opinion and stopped forming my own.
I first rebelled by finding a fandom that was unfollowable and that was okay. In a way, it was... safe, I guess? Not just awesome, because wow, but safe, too, from a specific voice of opinion. It's taken me... oh, entirely too long to realize that it was a rebellion at all. To realize that there was something to rebel against. It's taken me longer to realize that I only managed a half-assed escaped, because after some thinking this weekend, I realized that the voice had become my own and while my fandom was fantastic, I was still suffering as a writer under the same shade of "these are the things you shouldn't bother writing".
Writing for Myself, First and Foremost, the Tiny Neglect Of
Not surprising, it was reading a fic in a completely different fandom that was the catalyst. Decently written, cute, fluffy-bunnies farting rainbow kind of fic. There were actually a couple like that over the weekend. Self-induldgence of the writer (admitted), but pleasing enough that the shortest was 16k fic, the longest 43k, with two ~20k word fics in the middle... I think by the same author or recced by that author. I knew what I was getting into, in other words.
I have my complaints, but that's next. Not the complaints, but their source as well.
There are definite categories of fic in my head, aside from genre and tone and fandom/pairing. It's specific to my plot bunnies and is split something like: i) ideas I'll write eventually; ii) ideas I'll feed to someone else given the chance; iii) ideas that are entertaining enough to play out in my mind but I feel no real desire to write them out; and iv) ideas that are self-indulgent and foolish and should never be written, because "these are the things you shouldn't bother writing".
My unfinished fantasy story started with twins. I like twins, as characters, twinliness as a plot device, whatever. I find it fun, it's not everyone's cuppa, whatever. The twins stopped being twins because I couldn't 'justify' it. And I GET that... but I couldn't actually find a solid reason against the idea either except that a voice spoke out against it and I did not raise up my voice or free will.
There are more examples, but the main thing is that I censor myself before I even start writing, because "these are the things you shouldn't bother writing" as no one will read them.
Except that somewhere I forgot that I am someone and I would read it. And if it's such a bad idea that I find I can't waste the words to finish it, there's no doubt that it'd be fun to play with the idea until I was ready to put it away. No plot bunny should be so unloved when it was already created from the joy of thought.
Assumed Pretentiousness
Which ties into pretentiousness, a bit, but this is less related to my writing, in some ways, than it is to reading (and therefore revising and rereading): I want my stories to be good. I want them to be solid, beyond correct spelling and proper grammar. I appreciate very much the feedback I get when I put myself forward. To this day, I have been very lucky in the betas who have been willing to indulge my requests for help.
But the voice is not just hanging over my shoulder when I write, it is also there when I read, and it has gotten to be so very snide over the years, so very selective and blind and unwilling to give chance. I silenced it this weekend. It was freeing.
I need to stop assuming I know what anyone would read and like other than myself.