Hogwarts Overexposed: Chapter One
HOGWARTS OVEREXPOSED
SALAZAR'S RETURN
Chapter One
The Streets of Fort Lauderdale are apparently filled with creepy molesting gangs
Friday, August 5, 2005
"They look like they're having a great time," Jamie said, watching enviously from the window in the staff tower as the Giant Squid tossed the girls ten to fifteen feet in the air and then devoured them permitted them to splash back down into the lake before scooping them up and repeating the process.
"Why don't you go join them, Jamie?" Hermione suggested. "It's not like we have that much packing to do." Because we like to be NAKED. We don't like to wear any clothes, neither!
"I'd love to except I haven't written to Alex today, and we pledged to owl each other every day," Jamie answered. "We're totally codependent, you see, and will die without constant contact."
From someone whose husband is in Afghanistan for a year with VERY limited communication: BITE ME, JAMIE
Jamie and Alex would be starting their seventh and final year at Hogwarts in the autumn and had been best friends since their first year. Last year they had finally acknowledged that the feelings they shared for each other went far beyond friendship so Jamie gave him her "precious gift" -gag. Both Alex and Jamie planned to train as Aurors after they completed Hogwarts and then, in due course COMMA marry.
When Jamie's parents died during her fifth year, she had thought that life, as she knew it, would come to a crashing halt. She might have to wear clothes occasionally! Oh, the horror! Jamie envisioned saying good-bye to Hogwarts and having to seek some sort of menial employment Is that what they're calling prostitution these days? in order to support herself and her then ten-year-old sister, Emily the Queen of Sues.
Blah blah blah, Harry and Hermione adopted Jamie and Emily and have three lovely nudist daughters and a new baby boy, Benjamin.
"Harry, will we be able to Portkey all the way to Fort Lauderdale or will we have to do it in phases because of the distance involved?" Jamie inquired as Harry entered the room, his penis swaying in the breeze.
"That is the one advantage a Portkey has over Apparating," he answered. "There is no limit to the distance you can travel. Our group is rather large, however like my penis, and so I've arranged for three Portkeys."
"Three? Why so many? And what about Timmy and Ben?" Jamie inquired. "Timmy is rather young to understand he must hold onto the Portkey and Ben, well he just can't."
Cut for pointless exposition about Timmy and how Draco, who can't make up his mind about whether he's good or evil in this fic, tried to get him taken away from Sam and Ron.
"I secured three Portkeys mainly because of Ben and Timmy," Harry explained. "Traveling by Portkey can be rather rough treatment, especially with a large number of people thrashing their limbs and genitals about. I propose that you girls use one Portkey. That will allow Hermione and me to secure Ben between us and the Weasley's to do the same with Timmy."
"But will all three Porkeys have the same coordinates?"
"Yes," Harry said assuredly. "The only drawbacks are that we have to allow ten minutes between departures, and that we will be arriving in an area that none of us are familiar with. But I'm sure everything will go well." DUN DUN DUN FORESHADOWING OOOOOH!!
Stephenie Meyer has more subtle foreshadowing than this guy.
* * * * * *
"I'm tired," Kim whimpered, "Can we get out of the water for a bit and take a break?"
"I'm rather exhausted myself," Caitlin agreed.
"You two are worse than two old ladies," Emily complained, but she conceded and headed for the shore. "I wish we could shrink Elmo YOU NAMED THE GIANT SQUID ELMO? and take him on holiday with us," she said glancing back at the Giant Squid.
"I'm sure that would go over spectacularly with the other ship passengers," Caitlin said sarcastically. "Somehow I don't think they would take kindheartedly to a giant squid molesting young girls in one of the ship's swimming pools."
"Nah! I guess not," Emily said sadly. "I'm going to miss him though while we're away."
"I've never been on a cruise ship before," Kim said excitedly. "I'm so glad your parents invited me to go along."
"We are going to have a great time," Emily commented enthusiastically. "I understand that they have food available twenty-four hours a day and you can eat as much as you like."
"You're starting to sound like Professor Weasley," *gasp* The ultimate insult! Caitlin observed. "I think that's the only reason he's agreed to go."
Cut for pointless blathering about ice cream. Florean Fortescue's son has opened up a shop in Hogsmeade.
"He may not be a sundae," Emily proclaimed, "but he is quite tempting."
"May I remind you that he is also twenty and you are only twelve," Caitlin said shaking her head.
"No reason I can't look," Emily insisted. "Besides, I think he likes me."
Kim gave Caitlin a questioning look, as if to ask if this was true. Caitlin nodded her head in response. "He can't take his eyes off her. It's revolting." Truer words were never spoken
"So, who wants to walk into Hogsmeade for ice cream?" Emily asked hopefully.
"We'll have to go back to the castle first and change and get money," Kim said.
"I have enough money with me," Emily said, "and the shop is right on the edge of town; we can go as we are."
"In just our bathing costumes?" Kim questioned, looking nervous. "Emily, yours is practically nonexistent."
Kim was wearing what would be considered a very reserved one-piece costume. Caitlin had on a small bikini and Emily.... Emily's swim costume was very minimal. At a distance, she appeared to be nude.
"Actually, both Caitlin's and my bathing costumes are non existent," Emily responded. "We are only wearing the concealment charm."
Kim looked at her best friend in disbelief and then reached out and touched her. Physical contact negated the charm and allowed her to see Emily in what she was actually wearing, which was absolutely nothing.
"I should have known you guys wouldn't actually wear swim costumes," Kim said. Then she stared at Emily. "Even micro-mini ones."
SNIP. The author, Neil, tells us about how nudism is The One True Way. It's also TOTALLY INNOCENT.
"Okay!" Kim agreed. "I'll walk into Hogsmeade with you, but only if we all cover ourselves with our towels."
Emily and Caitlin both raised their eyebrows in annoyance, but agreed to the condition.
"Should we tell your parents?" Kim asked Emily. "They might become concerned when they see we are gone." Again with the stilted dialogue! Eleven-year-olds do not normally talk like this!
"We won't be gone that long," Emily said reassuringly. "Besides, if they miss us, I'm sure they'll guess where we are."
"She's been dragging me into Hogsmeade almost daily," Caitlin complained quietly to Kim as Emily walked away to get her towel. "Mum and Dad would have a stroke if they knew the true reason why."
"I can understand her having a crush on an older boy, but," she looked fretfully at Caitlin, "why would a twenty year old boy be interested in her? Don't get me wrong. I'm not putting her down. Emily is very attractive, but after all she is only twelve."
Caitlin nodded her head in agreement. "I feel the same as you; it's weird. Guys that age shouldn't be attracted to a little girl," she declared. "But don't try telling Emily that. She'll bite your head off."
Blah blah blah. More talk of nudism and how it is so wonderful and pure. And there is NOTHING SEXUAL about little girls being naked, so there's nothing wrong with having pictures of them on your computer, right?
Tell it to the FBI, Neil.
"Its just not fair," Emily complained as they approached the pair of magnificent wrought iron gates that were flanked with stone columns, topped with winged boars and guarded the entrance to Hogwarts. "What harm would befall the world if we were allowed to stroll into Hogsmeade nude? Well, for starters, it would make a WHOLE lot of people EXTREMELY uncomfortable. But I guess taking other people's feelings into consideration is beyond you. I want the feel of air and sunlight on my body, not a damp, clammy towel." Emily looked like she was about to shed the object of her frustration, but instead looked at Kim and relented.
They had only gone a few hundred feet past the gate, when Caitlin came to a sudden stop. "Did you feel that," she cried nervously.
Kim looked at her questioningly. "Feel what?" she asked, a bewildered look on her face. "I didn't feel anything."
"I did," Emily piped up. "It felt like the burning hatred of a thousand angry sporkers as though something hot was trickling down my back. Kim, remember when Professor Flitwick demonstrated the Disillusionment Charm on us last Christmas, the charm that made us blend in with the decorations. It felt exactly the same as when he lifted it."
Kim nodded her head. "I remember the charm and the feeling it created when it was applied and lifted, but I didn't sense anything like that just now."
SNIP. Oh noez! The concealment charms may have been nullified!
It was nearing two o'clock as they entered the nearly empty shop, the lunch hour rush having ended.
"Well, what have we here?" the perv clerk behind the counter asked. It was undoubtedly a rare sight to have three towel-clad girls enter his establishment. Although he had addressed all three girls, his eyes only inspected Emily. "Did you girls just get out of the shower?"
"No silly," said Emily dreamily. "We were swimming and had the urge for some ice cream. This is my good friend Kim. She is going on holiday with Caitlin and I."
Roger gave Kim a smile of recognition, but quickly turned his attention back to Emily. "I'd say Kim was extremely fortunate. I would really enjoy being on vacation with you for a week." In what universe would something like this be ok? Why has no one else in the shop said anything? Does Florean Fortescue know that his nephew is a pedophile?
At this comment, Emily blushed, but Kim and Caitlin exchanged uneasy glances. This smooth talking git might entrance Emily, but, although she didn't know why, Kim had taken an immediate dislike to Roger.
Oh, she doesn't know why she doesn't like this guy? I'll give you a hint, Kim. He's TWENTY. He's hitting on a TWELVE YEAR OLD.
"I was hoping perhaps you had come to visit me," Roger said suggestively. "But since you prefer ice cream, what can I get you?"
Emily seemed content to stare at Roger; therefore, Kim decided to place her order. "Could I have a small cone of chocolate, please?"
"I'll have a small cone also," said Caitlin, "but make mine vanilla, please."
"And what about you, beautiful," Roger said.
"Could I have one of those swirl mixes of both kinds?" Emily asked sweetly.
Roger purposely served Caitlin and Kim first. The girls sat down at one of the many empty tables as Emily waited to be served and pay.
As Roger handed Emily her cone he got a mischievous grin on his face. "Do you know what they say about people who get mixed ice cream?" Emily shook her head, no. "They say they go both ways."
Well what do you know? Emily DOES go both ways! With her adopted sister, Caitlin. But according to the author, they're TOTALLY STRAIGHT.
Emily blushed a deep shade of red, but made no comment. Instead she asked, "How much is the total bill?"
"That depends," Roger said devilishly. "Perhaps we could work out an agreement that would be both easy on your pocket and easy on my eyes."
SNIP. Roger offers to give them the ice cream for free if Emily models her swimsuit. Since Emily is a little whorefaced tartmuffin, she gladly obliges. But the concealment charm was canceled out, so she's naked! Oh no! Roger is pleased with the surprise. Am I the only one who thinks that Roger is a self-insert?
Suddenly, Emily stopped walking and turned back in their direction. "That was so humiliating," she said crossly. "I can't believe the two of you actually dragged me out of Roger's shop. I'll never be able to face him again."
And that, dear readers, is why we hate Emily.
SNIP. Emily and Caitlin argue about Emily being a disgusting junior whore. Then they are all friends again yaaaaaaaay (barf) and decide to walk back to the castle naked. They ask Kim if she wants to be naked, too, since all the cool kids are doing it
Before Kim could respond, a horseless carriage, apparently coming from the castle, came into sight around the corner. Even if Emily and Caitlin had wanted to cover up, there was no time because the carriage was rapidly upon them before it came to a halt.
"Good afternoon ladies," Professor Malfoy drawled. "You've certainly adopted the proper attire for our humid, hot summer weather."
"I wish I had such courage when I was your age," Ginerva Weasley added, seeming quite sincere. Why does Neil misspell Ginny's name so much? It's Ginevra, not Ginerva. Ginerva makes me think of my poor nerves, which are not happy with this fic.
"You're never too old to practice nudism," Emily suggested enthusiastically. "Your brother is going on a cruise with us. Why don't you and Professor Malfoy join us for a swim?"
"I'm afraid we'll have to pass," Draco said. "Miss Thatcher, it was my understanding that you were also going on this clothes free- cruise. Shouldn't you be adapting your skin to the sun? My only concern is for your welfare! I have no interest in naked minors!"
"The Professor has a point," Ginny added. "Skin that has never experienced sunlight has the tendency to easily burn. The last thing you want to do is spend your holiday stuck in your cabin with sunburn. After all, there is no such thing as sunscreen in the Wizarding World. You must tan naked or burn."
"I'll take that into consideration," Kim said timidly as the carriage continued on its way.
As they watched the carriage disappear, Kim turned to Emily and Caitlin with a look of beaten acceptance on her face. "They're right about one thing," she said admittedly. "If I'm going to play the part of a nudist for ten days, I best get accustomed to it." Without another word, she unclasped her towel and subsequently wriggled out of her bathing costume.
"Now what?" Kim asked.
UNDERAGED LESBIAN PSEUDO-INCESTUOUS ORGY TIME!
"It's still early," Caitlin said. "Let's see if Elmo is still in the mood to toss a salad us around."
"Like we are?" Kim questioned.
"I don't think Elmo cares if or how we dress," Emily answered casually, and then added. "Mum likes us to use the concealment charm, but it's really not necessary anymore on the school grounds. Most of the staff has seen at least one of us nude. It's really no big deal any longer."
'Maybe not to you', Kim thought and then turned toward the castle and said, "let's go."
* * * * * *
Sunday, August 7, 2005 HOW DARE YOU DEFILE MY BIRTHDAY
SNIP. Ron is being "unreasonable" because he doesn't want to go on a nudist cruise. We learn that apparently, werewolves get super duper horny before the full moon. His wife assures him that getting turned on by Caitlin and Emily is perfectly normal. They talk about the wonders of having a shaven coochie.
* * * * * *
Monday, August 8, 2005 8:00 AM
"The Weasleys will be here any minute now," Harry said anxiously. "Are one and all sure they have everything they need packed?"
"Why are you insisting we take so much clothing?" Emily questioned. "We are permitted to be unclothed at all times aren't we?"
"When on the ship and at nude beaches, yes," Hermione answered as she did a cleansing charm on Ben's bottom Thank you for that LOVELY detail and readied him for the trip. "But when we travel about the islands or go souvenir shopping, you will need to be dressed and not just by the concealment charm. I have qualms about any of us even using that anymore now that you girls have discovered yet another imperfection with it."
Pointless rambling about leaving the pets behind.
As the others finalized their packing, Kim had been reading the cruise brochure and checking their itinerary with animated anticipation. Neil, what did descriptive language do to you? Why must you abuse it so? SOMETIMES LESS IS MORE, NEIL.
DAY PORT ARRIVAL DEPARTURE
1 Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, United States 5:00 PM
2 Princess Cays 9:00 AM 4:00 PM
3 At Sea
4 St. Thomas 7:00 AM 6:00 PM
5 St. Kitts 7:00 AM 3:00 PM
6 Barbados 8:00 AM 5:00 PM
7 Antigua 9:00 AM 6:00 PM
8 St. Maarten 7:00 AM 6:00 PM
9 At Sea
10 At Sea
11 Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, United States 7:00 AM
"We'll actually be anchoring at six different islands," Kim stated with enthusiasm. "I've never been further away from home than Hogwarts."
"I'm looking forward to having a wonderful time," Hermione said as she began breast-feeding Ben with her wondrous mounds of perfection.
"Professor Potter, there's one thing I don't understand. Why are we leaving so early?" Kim inquired. "Isn't the United States' east coast five hours behind us in time? If we leave at nine, it will only be four in the morning there, not even light yet."
"You're correct," Harry said rather perverted turbed. "The American Magical Authority, which is the counter part of our Ministry, insisted that we arrive before sun rise; less chance of us being seen.And more chance of you girls running into some creepy rapists in a back alley!"
SNIP.
"How can you get lost on a boat?" Emily chortled.
"You haven't read the brochure, have you?" Caitlin inquired. "The ship rises fourteen stories and measures nearly three hundred meters in length. I would imagine that it is extremely easy to become disoriented."
"Not only that, but the cruise is sold out. That means that there will be nearly 2,000 NAKED passengers on board," Hermione added.
"I just hope a good portion of those are our age," Emily whined. "I'm tired of seeing nothing but naked potbellied old bald-headed men. I want some young buff guys to ogle."
OK, maybe I was weird as a child, but when I was twelve, I was not at all interested in looking at naked dudes. I was much more into reading Redwall and riding horses than staring at penises all day long
Hermione just shook her head in consternation at Emily's remark, but Kim literally trembled. As opposed to trembling figuratively? If she had to be naked the next ten days, she'd much prefer it to be in front of old potbellied men rather than hunks of her own age.
A rapping at the door interrupted the conversation, as the young voice of Timmy called out, "We're here!"
Ron, Sam, and Timmy are here. Timmy makes an "adorable" comment about being able to see Caitlin's vagina when he lifts up her skirt. Cute.
"You're here!" Harry shouted in greeting as he entered the room. Harry had some issues with volume control. He checked his watch and then rubbed his chin, wishing that someday, he would hit puberty and be able to grow facial hair. "I imagine that the first thing we should do is collect and miniaturize our luggage."
After everyone assembled their luggage, Harry performed the charm that shrunk it to doll size and then Ron and Harry placed all the tiny parcels into their pockets.
"We're scheduled for three portkey departure times: 9:00, 9:10 and 9:20," Harry stated. "Ron, suppose you Sam and Timmy go first, the girls will follow, and Hermione, Ben and I will bring up the rear. Hey-o!"
Ron nodded in agreement and then they all waited nervously for the rest of their free time to pass. Why are they nervous, if they are all so sure that everything will go just fine?
* * * * * *
SNIP. Sam, Ron, and Timmy are supposed to take the first portkey, but Timmy has to go potty! Oh no! The girls will have to go first, but Harry is sure they will be fine (MORE FORESHADOWING DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN)
"Emily, will you please get your privates out of my face," Kim asked as if gasping for air. The stench was overwhelming.
"Caitlin never complains," Emily retorted without thought and then looked nervously from Jamie to Kim and then Caitlin, hoping that in the confusion no one had heard her comment. Neither Jamie nor Caitlin seemed to be paying her any attention as they disentangled themselves, but Kim had definitely heard her and was staring at her piercingly.
This merits some explanation. In the previous fic, Caitlin and Emily walk in on Alex eating Jamie out. They decide that they want to try it, so they do. On each other. Caitlin is 12. Emily is 11. They are supposed to be sisters. Harry hears them and is worried, but Hermione assures him that it's perfectly normal, and they are TOTALLY STRAIGHT. Are we noticing a theme here?
_ _ _ _ _ _
"Will they be all right?" Hermione questioned nervously.
"I'm sure they'll be fine," Harry said in his most convincing voice. "I would have preferred that they not gone HOW many betas does this guy have? first, but under the circumstances, there wasn't much choice. They'll only be alone for ten minutes, I'm sure they'll be fine. I just wish I knew more about the area in which they are landing."
Hermione glanced nervously around the room.
"Hermione, they'll be okay," Ron said in his most reassuring voice. "What could possibly happen in ten minutes?"
EVEN MORE FORESHADOWING!
_ _ _ _ _ _
"I wonder where exactly we are?" Caitlin said as she staggered to her feet. "That trip threw my equilibrium out of whack."
What 13-year-old uses the word equilibrium? Unless, of course, they are discussing the Christian Bale movie. Mmmm...Christian Bale.
"Me too," Jamie said leaning against a nearby wall.
"Well, one thing is certain," Emily commented. "Whoever programmed that Portkey has never actually been here."
"You've got that right," Kim added nervously. "I understand transporting to a discrete location, but this is a dirty, filthy back alley."
"Yeah, I'm glad we won't be alone here long," Jamie said. "Lets move closer to the main street and more light. It's eerie in here."
"Now you've gone and hurt my feelings," a voice echoed from the shadows ahead of them. "This alley is our headquarters. Perhaps we should clean up, but most ain't stupid enough to come here uninvited."
"And there are four of them," a voice from behind commented. "One for each of us."
"I get the older one with the big titties," shouted a third voice from the dark.
"Hey, they're just kids," said a fourth disembodied voice. "From the sound of them, from England and probably lost."
"Lance, are you a faggot? 'Cause if you are, how 'bout suckin' my dick, because the unresolved sexual tension between us is off the charts!" the first of the boys to speak responded. "Pete, what is the name of our club?"
"The 'Chasers', Art. And you're our president," answered the boy who had commented about Jamie.
"And what do the "Chasers" do, Phil?" Art asked COMMA his voice sounding as if he were extremely intoxicated.
"We're tit-and-pussy chasers. We chase only girls who have one breast" Phil answered, laughing raucously as he stepped from the shadows and was soon joined by his compatriots.
As the gang closed their circle on the girls, the one referred to as Art, snapped open a long switch knife and waved it menacingly. As opposed to all those non-menacing ways you can wave a knife.
Jamie whispered softly to the girls, "Wands on three. One... Two... Three...
End of Chapter One
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN!!!
Table of Contents ~ Chapter Two: An Old Friend
And now, please excuse me. I have some rubbing alcohol to drink.