Family Matters: Chapter Nine
Chapter 9
"Why did they have to schedule me being at the damned trial for today, of all days?" Harry grumbled. "Ignoring the fact that it's my birthday - actually, let's not. I got you a birthday present! How does horrible, painful DEATH sound to you? No? What if I put a bow on it? Somehow, the Dursleys have once again managed to …" He stopped and took a deep breath. "No. It solves nothing. I'm free of them, and even if the wards were still up, I'd tell Dumbledore that I'm never going back to them.”
Minerva McGonagall replied sadly, “Were it not for the testimony I heard today, I would … I can not believe that people can be so ….” She was at a loss for words for the first time that Harry could easily remember. Really? It's the Dursleys that made you understand that people can be evil? Not, you know, VOLDEMORT?
“Grindelwald. Voldemort. Hitler. Stalin. Vernon is nothing compared to them.” He paused for a moment. “Y’know, I’m surprised that Fudge didn’t send a stooge over to watch out for a slip of the tongue, to give him an excuse to snap my wand.” Whaaaaa? This story takes place AFTER OotP. Fudge knows Voldemort is back. Admit it, Kinsfire, you didn't even watch the movies. You just looked at the sticker book or something.
“That’s my job,” Hermione blurted, and then turned a shade that Harry was starting to think of as ‘Weasley red’. Because only filthy Weasleys blush! And why is she blushing? That remark makes no sense in a sexual context! “Umm ….”
Minerva was trying very hard not to laugh, but was unable to keep the smile off her face, no matter how hard she tried. Harry actually cracked an egg and made himself an omelet, using only the heat from Hermione's warm smile to cook it smile for the first time in a few hours. “Umm, yourself,” he chuckled. “Thinking of having it bronzed, while we’re at it?” He shuddered. "If so, make sure it's been detached before being dipped in molten bronze, please." Hey, thanks for giving me more ideas, Harry!
Helen snickered in the front seat. "Ignoring comments about bronzing body parts, are you two looking forward to the handfasting tonight?"
Harry watched Hermione's eyes flicker to Professor McGonagall before she said with a twinkle in those eyes, "Actually, I was looking forward to the consummation after." No one wants to hear that, Hermione.
Both students were surprised by McGonagall's delighted laughter. "I remember feeling exactly the same way when my husband and I went to Gretna in front of our friends. We clasped hands over the blacksmith's anvil and said our vows, then exchanged rings. Our friends didn't see us for another two days." AAAAAAAAAAAGH WHYYY? WHY DOES EVERYONE IN THIS STORY ACT LIKE A SEX-STARVED PORNSTAR? She looked to her favourite student. "Remind me to give you a few suggestions before the handfasting, Hermione." When she saw Harry's jaw drop, she added with a smile, "I am only in my seventies, Harry. I've got many a year left ahead of me."
Harry took a long look at his Transfiguration teacher, and the years seemed to strip away from her for just a moment. Wow, who knew that talking about sex could make you look younger? Olay should start marketing that! "You were a beautiful young woman, Professor, if what I saw was what you were then."
"Not attracted to someone who could be your grandmother?" McGonagall smiled. In this story, I wouldn't be surprised.
"Not when I have the most beautiful witch I've ever known in my arms," he replied with a smile, hugging Hermione.
"Excellent answer," both witches replied in unison, and then vomited laughed. "You'll do well, Harry. Most people your age I would argue against marriage for any reason, but I think most of my misgivings about your wedding can be narrowed to your seeming too young for marriage. Too young, and MUCH too immature. While I think you could both stand more maturity, I think you are entering this union with the proper solemnity." Solemnity? All they've been doing is talking about how much they want to bone, and how hot they are! She paused before adding, “Besides, my husband and I were some of the last ones to take advantage of the marriage laws in Scotland being what they were until 1940. Now there’s all that paperwork that you need to go through.”
"I may be a poor student," Except you aren't poor in any sense of the word, you twit. Harry replied, "but even I know that marriage isn't something you jump into 'just because'." He frowned. "Not to speak ill of a friend, but Ron isn't ready yet. Ron was much more mature than you are. Especially since he seems to prize Hermione for qualities other than her perfect boobs and magical poonani. To be honest, I don't think I'm really ready yet. But to keep some semblance of wards around me, we have to do this handfasting." That's a GREAT reason to get married!
"I don't think anyone is ever really ready, Harry," said Doug Granger.
Harry weeps because Hermione won't get to have the big white fluffy wedding of her dreams. You know, not every woman has the same dreams. Some don't want to get married at all.
Ron asks Harry if he's ever considered asking Hermione what SHE would want. I'm more and more convinced that this story is just a parody written by a R/Hr shipper, because Ron is the most sensible one in the story.
---
Blah blah blah. Something about paperwork and weddings. I wasn't really paying attention. I find that's the best way to keep my eyes from strangling my brain.
Harry thought for a moment, and then looked to the Grangers. “I can’t think of anything we’ve forgotten. You’ll need to go into your room and get the rings, though.”
Hermione couldn’t help but laugh as Harry’s eyes shot wide, and he slapped his forehead. “The rings! We were so busy with everything else…”
“Then perhaps you should go get them,” Dumbledore smiled. "I do have a couple of vibrating cock rings you could borrow, if you would like."
“Can someone get us to Diagon Alley?” he asked. At the look he received, he replied, “You think any normal ring is going on this woman’s finger? I’m getting her rings as magical as she is!” Ew. The sappiness is worse than the bad porn.
“You don’t have to, Harry,” she started to respond.
“If you’re going to do something, do it right,” he answered simply.
Minerva McGonagall chuckled. “Young man’s heart is in the right place, I must admit. Really? I disagree. Especially after that scene a few minutes ago. Who shall accompany Harry?”
“Well, Hermione needs to, since I want her to decide what she wants to wear on her finger. Beyond that, well, that’s up to you.”
Hermione was actually surprised by her inclusion. How shocking! What does that say about their relationship? “Thank you, Harry.”
Dumbledore spoke up. “If you would not mind a trip into Gringott’s, there may be a solution. Your parents’ wedding rings.”
They travel to Gringotts by Floo Powder, which I didn't think was possible.
---
Fifty seconds later, all three of them were standing in a goblin’s office. “Mister Dumbledore,” said the goblin. “Is it correct to assume that this is in regards to the conversation we had of last week?”
“Yes, it is. I will be transferring guardianship of the Potter vaults to their proper owner, since he is now considered an adult.” HARRY ALWAYS HAD GUARDIANSHIP OVER HIS VAULTS! I swear, I need to take up yoga or I'm going to burst a blood vessel.
“He is but sixteen,” the goblin stated.
“He is what the Muggles refer to as an emancipated minor, which makes him adult in their eyes, except for certain small things that I believe he has stated no real interest in, such as tobacco and alcohol.” Harry nodded his agreement. THIS IS THE DUMBEST THING I HAVE EVER READ. EVER.
Cut for pointless description of the rings. Hermione makes a Lord of the Rings reference. The Professor is displeased. I do believe he is rolling in his grave.
He smiled and looked at the necklace. When he picked it up, he gasped. “Professor? Was my mother a Seer or something of the sort?” OH PLEASE NO.
“Yes, she had talents in that direction. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Why?”
“Hermione, what are the dates listed on the back of this pendant?” It was a large locket style pendant hanging from a gold chain; a simple circle about two inches across.
She took it and her eyes widened. “Today, and my birthday this year! There’s a few more obscured by magic.” She opened the locket and was surprised to see an image hover in the air above the open locket. It was obviously a drawing, but it was the two of them in an embrace filled with love. They were dressed in that which they had been born in, but the work showed nothing that would embarrass them if it were shown in the common room of Gryffindor Tower. It was them as they looked today. I have no desire to remain living.
“Mum was an artist as well, apparently,” Harry said thickly.
“I’m not that pretty, am I?” Hermione asked, looking at the picture with awe. WHY DID I SPORK THIS WHEN IT IS TOO EARLY TO DRINK?
“I’m going to spend the rest of my life trying to convince you that you are,” Harry said, taking her into his arms. “So, let’s head back up topside and get back to your parents house. We have a wedding to attend!”
---
Back at the Granger home, Harry and Hermione were shocked by how quickly the backyard had changed into a party zone. “I’d ask how you managed this, but the answer is undoubtedly ‘magic’,” Harry breathed.
“Actually, chum,” Ron said from beside him, “it’s the result of having the Weasley family and the Grangers available for all work. Professor McGonagall simply added the occasional touch. Almost everything done here was done in the half hour you were gone, by hand.”
Harry looked to Hermione. “I want to be the kind of parent to the children we’ll someday have that your parents are to you. Yeah, screw the Weasleys and their obviously inferior love. Throwing a big party is the only way to love your children! This is incredible.”
The wedding is worse than Edward and Bella's. I am cutting it for your safety.
---
They came to their senses to loud applause from the assembled small crowd. Hermione leaned over. "Don't worry, Harry," she murmured. "We decided to use the wedding rings in September. We can wear them now, but it will cause questions at school."
There is something about Fred and George agreeing to finance Harry and Hermione's big wedding in September. I'm not sure why, since Harry is loaded.
The party began in earnest, finally, and the couple danced their first dance together. As their bodies swayed together, Harry murmured, "If we don't find a way to politely leave this party, Hermione, I don't think there will be any doubt about whether or not we consummated this marriage." Oh control yourself, Harry. Or I'll take a hose full of cold water to you. He gently nibbled her ear. "Knowing that the only thing between my hands and your body is that thin dress is driving my crazy." He pulled back slightly and looked her in the eyes. "I need you," he said, allowing all the passion and lust he felt right now to come into his eyes. Ew. Harry, get some eye drops or something.
She gasped, and then smiled. "Well, it may be rude, but there's always being direct." As the dance ended, she looked to the assembled group. "You can stay and enjoy yourselves," she announced to the group, "but Harry and I have some business to attend to. I somehow don't think we'll be seeing anyone before tomorrow afternoon at the earliest." Her eyes twinkled. Yeah....or you could just leave without that announcement. I guarantee you, no one cares about your sex life as much as you do.
As they headed into the house, Harry couldn't help but chuckle as he heard McGonagall, of all people, calling to Hermione, "Just remember that he needs to be able to form coherent sentences by September first, Mrs. Potter!"
Whew. My sporking is a little rusty. Maybe I should have practiced on something less horrible, like Hogwarts Exposed or somehing.
Chapter 8 ~ Table of Contents ~ Chapter Ten