Big
Ever get that feeling when everything you do just isnt grand enough? I've been getting it more and more. I dont want to walk, I want to run as fast as I can and stop somewhere far from where I started. I want to punch something, purely for the feeling of swinging my arms through the air, and have whatever I hit fall to peices in front of me. I want to raise my voice. I want to write something, big and good.
Perhaps its a post uni, pre full time employment desire to be doing something more than my day to day life, or maybe its just 21 years of catholic repression catching up with me. I dont know, but I want my every action to be like a tiny explosion of itself. I want things defined again.
And I'm getting there as well. My physical restlessness is being dealt with by frequenting the gym, which I am sticking to very well this time around (mostly because I can afford it now). My writing on the other hand, isnt quite so good. Just after graduation I threw myself into it, wrote more issues, planned them, got more meetings with gary, looked into self publishing etc. I think I burned myself out on it. Too much too soon. What was once me writing my first real work, a fun, cool, exciting thing to be doing, became about print runs and page counts remarkably quickly. While I wanted something to work towards, I didnt count on it being so...big. Now i think I need that back.
As for wanting to "raise my voice", I dont need to shout, only speak more clearly and decisively. Its been happening a little already, i think I went up a few mental decibells.