I wrote this today in Algebra Class
Sex changes everything. Relationships totally change once it become intimate. My relationship with Matt has always been sexual. I wanted to have sex with him on our first date but he was the one who said it was a bad idea. And now that we are sexually active, it is hard to think about other things. He is so scared of sex. He is afraid that I am going to get pregnant. So afraid that he really wants to stop having sex. I don't really know why, but it makes me feel like I am ugly and he doesn't want me. I mean, I know that he want me and he really does want to keep going but he is just so scared. I don't want to say that our relationship will change dramatically, but I do think that it might change a little and maybe we'll be a little farther apart. I am afraid that my desire to always have someone and not to be alone will make me turn to someone else. Which I guess brings me to my next point on how sex changes people.
Ben in one of my really good friends. He has always wanted me and I have always flirted but haven't gotten too close. The other week, I got too close. We went to his house and I gave him a blow job. Ever since I have started seeing him differently. I'm seeing him as an object of desire. I shouldn't be. I am with Matt and I actually regret going to Ben's house and doing what I did. i regret it like crazy. And Ben wants this other girl named Rachel. She sits on his lap and he wants her so bad that he pops a woody whenever she is around. It is wrong, but I get so jealous. I want to be the one that people want and it's like I am being turned down left and right. Am I that undesirable?
I have always been so weird about sex. I guess I should have started this letter by saying that. I've always needed sex to make me feel whole. It's like if someone doesn't find me desirable or attractive I am nothing. This is what started my quest to be perfect (which I am falling back in to). Is there really a reason for being here if no one wants you?
That's it, word for word. Enjoy the evidence of my psychosis.
Ben in one of my really good friends. He has always wanted me and I have always flirted but haven't gotten too close. The other week, I got too close. We went to his house and I gave him a blow job. Ever since I have started seeing him differently. I'm seeing him as an object of desire. I shouldn't be. I am with Matt and I actually regret going to Ben's house and doing what I did. i regret it like crazy. And Ben wants this other girl named Rachel. She sits on his lap and he wants her so bad that he pops a woody whenever she is around. It is wrong, but I get so jealous. I want to be the one that people want and it's like I am being turned down left and right. Am I that undesirable?
I have always been so weird about sex. I guess I should have started this letter by saying that. I've always needed sex to make me feel whole. It's like if someone doesn't find me desirable or attractive I am nothing. This is what started my quest to be perfect (which I am falling back in to). Is there really a reason for being here if no one wants you?
That's it, word for word. Enjoy the evidence of my psychosis.