(no subject)
i haven't written in here in forever, but i need to get this out somwhere.
i've never been good at dealing with change. probably because it's something i can't control. life is constantly changing, and there is no way to stop it. change always seems extra worse to me though, because i feel like EVERYTHING changes at once. so it's a ton of things i can't control, all happening at the same time. that is so terrifying to me.
this is the farthest i've ever lived from friends and family, from a boyfriend, from everything i grew up knowing. this is the closest i've ever been to the "real world." and even though i've learned from all my past experiences, and change has gotten gradually easier over time, i feel like THIS change has set me back extra far. i'm not quite back at square one, but i've been at constant war with my mind and body for a couple months now, trying not to let myself get sucked back down there. dealing with the realization that some people who i thought were part of my support system really aren't there, but fighting to make myself realize that i'm NOT alone, no matter how lonely and far away i feel. feeling like i can't possibly handle the workload of grad school, but constantly reminding myself that i wouldn't be here if i couldn't do it. feeling guilty every time i eat, but trying to remember that not eating puts me in even less control of myself and my body, even though it feels like i'm controlling it. i really don't want to get sucked back into that place again.
it's just tiring having to fight with myself constantly.