the stars are falling from the sky...
This is semirantish:
I have been really stupid lately. I Fear it will come back to haunt me some day not too far from now. I barely have any respect for myself, let alone other people. I need someone to talk to who can understand what I'm going through. I had a nice chat with aleks the other day. I figured out a few things about myself that are extremely unhealthy. I thought that it pertained to just one person, recently I've found out that this situation can happen with anybody. I let people take advantage of me. More specifically, I ask for it. But, recently, I've had to question that. And not just once. I feel ashamed and extremely supersticious. I don't feel very safe. I've never been one to plan, and I think that's the problem. I don't think, I just do. Feeling with my heart, rather than my mind. Someone once told me that I should feel with both equally. I didn't realize how hard that was to do. Instead, Someone should have told me how hard it is to grow up. But then again, perhaps I wouldn't have listened to that either. I've become very stubborn. I am constantly thinking about how soon this will end, and I take advantage of every oppurtunity that presents itself. Even if I know it is the wrong way to handle things. I'm taking social psych this term and 99% of the examples he gives, I find myself unable to relate. He follows everything he says up with, "the only people who don't feel like this are the semi-depressed to fully depressed people." I don't like classifying myself, however I fear if I had to, I might put myself under semi-depressed. He said that if the world were a perfect place that's how everyone would be. I find this hard to believe. I'd say the world would be a perfect place if the mind and heart were one. perhaps this is what some people call a soul. that's why people are so insistant on being soulful musicians. Because it's such a state of perfection. I used to think the ocean had a soul. I miss my home and I miss that feeling. I liked to think that everything was alive and working in that state of perfection. I want to believe people are doing things because not only they want to, but they have to. Whatever works inside them is so passionate about breathing and living and it's just soaked in the love of life. I've never met anybody like that. I don't know why I think those people exist. I want to know why I want to be like everyone else, when everyone else is everything I don't want to be.
I don't know why it's such a bad thing to rely on fate. The same Someone told me that relying on fate, is the easiest way to just "coast through" life. I find it too hard to rely on my own expectations of what is going to happen. I've noticed that the only time that people bring up fate is when something bad happens. I feel like, fate is more of a friend to me. I almost feel like it's the only thing I have to rely on. I'm very aware of all of the awful things that can happen to me...but I'm also very aware that out of everything bad that's happened, something better has come of it. Someone was wrong. Those who go through something terrible and find nothing good has come from it, and decide that after that...all they will expect is the very worst of themselves, that's what "coasting through" really is. giving up on the good in life, because they don't believe it exists. I don't know which is worse.
At this point I feel like maybe I shouldn't have relied on anything that Someone said. Maybe I shouldn't have believed and trusted Someone so much. Makes me wonder if trusting Anyone at this point is a good idea. So then, if anything bad ever happens I won't have to feel it so hard. But then that makes me just like all the people I don't want to be. And who can trust in Someone who doesn't trust in anyone?
Standing alone, trusting in Someone, and feeling everything to its deepest extent is so difficult.
I'm just really afraid to let go and believe I'm right.
It's the hardest decision I've ever had to face. lost in the form.
I have been really stupid lately. I Fear it will come back to haunt me some day not too far from now. I barely have any respect for myself, let alone other people. I need someone to talk to who can understand what I'm going through. I had a nice chat with aleks the other day. I figured out a few things about myself that are extremely unhealthy. I thought that it pertained to just one person, recently I've found out that this situation can happen with anybody. I let people take advantage of me. More specifically, I ask for it. But, recently, I've had to question that. And not just once. I feel ashamed and extremely supersticious. I don't feel very safe. I've never been one to plan, and I think that's the problem. I don't think, I just do. Feeling with my heart, rather than my mind. Someone once told me that I should feel with both equally. I didn't realize how hard that was to do. Instead, Someone should have told me how hard it is to grow up. But then again, perhaps I wouldn't have listened to that either. I've become very stubborn. I am constantly thinking about how soon this will end, and I take advantage of every oppurtunity that presents itself. Even if I know it is the wrong way to handle things. I'm taking social psych this term and 99% of the examples he gives, I find myself unable to relate. He follows everything he says up with, "the only people who don't feel like this are the semi-depressed to fully depressed people." I don't like classifying myself, however I fear if I had to, I might put myself under semi-depressed. He said that if the world were a perfect place that's how everyone would be. I find this hard to believe. I'd say the world would be a perfect place if the mind and heart were one. perhaps this is what some people call a soul. that's why people are so insistant on being soulful musicians. Because it's such a state of perfection. I used to think the ocean had a soul. I miss my home and I miss that feeling. I liked to think that everything was alive and working in that state of perfection. I want to believe people are doing things because not only they want to, but they have to. Whatever works inside them is so passionate about breathing and living and it's just soaked in the love of life. I've never met anybody like that. I don't know why I think those people exist. I want to know why I want to be like everyone else, when everyone else is everything I don't want to be.
I don't know why it's such a bad thing to rely on fate. The same Someone told me that relying on fate, is the easiest way to just "coast through" life. I find it too hard to rely on my own expectations of what is going to happen. I've noticed that the only time that people bring up fate is when something bad happens. I feel like, fate is more of a friend to me. I almost feel like it's the only thing I have to rely on. I'm very aware of all of the awful things that can happen to me...but I'm also very aware that out of everything bad that's happened, something better has come of it. Someone was wrong. Those who go through something terrible and find nothing good has come from it, and decide that after that...all they will expect is the very worst of themselves, that's what "coasting through" really is. giving up on the good in life, because they don't believe it exists. I don't know which is worse.
At this point I feel like maybe I shouldn't have relied on anything that Someone said. Maybe I shouldn't have believed and trusted Someone so much. Makes me wonder if trusting Anyone at this point is a good idea. So then, if anything bad ever happens I won't have to feel it so hard. But then that makes me just like all the people I don't want to be. And who can trust in Someone who doesn't trust in anyone?
Standing alone, trusting in Someone, and feeling everything to its deepest extent is so difficult.
I'm just really afraid to let go and believe I'm right.
It's the hardest decision I've ever had to face. lost in the form.