(no subject)
i really had no intention of saying anything about this but here i am as always doing what i say i wont. i made up some reasons why i ran away or whatever saying it was about "squares", sure it played a minor part but its not what caused the blow up. Basically heres the story i was at the store someone called asked to stop by my mom says no, i really didnt care at the time so i said whatever and came back down. About ten minutes later my mom comes down and i was kinda mad now and said i really dont see why they couldnt come by she replied with "Jon, we thinks its best you just forget about her" (..whatever..?) i asked ok and why is that? she says Jon were moving in less then two weeks and you'll start school in colorado springs on the 22nd. If you ask me that was probably the worst way she could have broke it to me. I basically broke down there and had no one to turn to. Once again im not making excuses for my retarded acts and believe me i know im a fucking idiot and stupid and all that shit so i dont need any outside assurance. It hurts though i cant explain it, this is my home and even though most of what i cared about is gone its just leaving the only place i know. I hope i just isolate myself there and just get out when im 18 and dissapear forever and never talk to a soul that knows one fucking detail about the piece of shit i've turned into. i really realize how i am the complete epitome of fucking failure, its no longer just words im spitting out, its who i see and everyone else see's in the mirror. I am one walking dissapointment. There is no need for me to get close to anyone these days they eiether dont feel the same, i dont feel the same, or i just dont use those people to my advantage (in that i dont mean "use them") i mean like use what friends or girlfriends or family or anything what they are there for, for help to listen to do any of that i dont have the balls to call anybody if im down...why CUZ NOT ONE FUCKING PERSON CARES ANYMORE. This is no guilt trip eiether i deserve every snare every nasty comment and every judgement ive gotten. No one will comment on this no one will read this. i will be a afterthought in a week and i have no choice but to accept that, there are people here i cant push out of my head but i never tell them talk to them or do anything and now im so angry because there is so much time i could have spent with people so much time i could have talked to them and made things right or just made things pointful my whole life i just wasted time here because nobody was going to affect heartless j.q. No one matterd to me, no one could insult me, no one made me happy, and this was my way of life and how good it worked till it comes to the end and i realize i've just wasted 16 years. i hope i call a few of you and get the courage to talk and get things set up so when im here visiting all the time ( since 100 percent of my fam is here )i have someone to see, or just so i can talk to you guys while im away even though theres probably no use.