"you were dead even before james"
they keep calling to tell me that there's more wrong with me than i would have ever thought.
can you just give me a medication cocktail full of all the things i need to be healthy again? fill up the syringe and plug into the darkest veins i've got and make them clean. clean like when i was five and only had scrapes to heal.
tonight i quit sleeping in my bed. i'm done with that stupid fucking thing and all its hideous sheets.
after james left, this part of the world went grey and disgusting. It got painful to move my legs and i became this little insomniac falling asleep in the bathtub at 3:00 in the morning.
the last picture we took, he was kissing me. you could see the Bukowski book "Betting on the Muse' that he was holding in his hands.
things are devastatingly over now and he's back in pennsylvania patching up things with a former girlfriend.
i shot a little video of brent yesterday for my broadcasting class. it was based on his morning routine. every once in awhile i had to walk in front of the camera to fix something...and going back and watching it after...well i can't believe the amount of out of control weight i've gained.
and brent looks like this thin little handsome monster with big eyes and sharp enameled incisors. using them to eat fruit loops in the shower.
later we got ready to go to the subtle show up in LA. i was supposed to meet him out by the car but when i finally got out there i couldn't hold it together and i started crying into his shoulders.
he went alone
and
i feel weak.
i drove to the 101 cafe and ate by myself at the counter. read some old book written by saint louis about the rosary.
i like that place. i get left alone no matter how busy it is. and the waiter always lets me stay for hours without guilt even though i'm taking up his possible tips from possible customers.
i deleted myspace. and all my writing.
next to go is my mailing address. i'm ready to move somewhere new. this apartment is infested with smutty memories and carpet stains. i gave up on taking care of the plants out on the balcony.
plus, bear just doesn't seem happy any more.
we spend most of the time sleeping and weeping into eachother's warm bodies.
goodnight little bedbugs. bear and i are going outside to watch the lightening.
can you just give me a medication cocktail full of all the things i need to be healthy again? fill up the syringe and plug into the darkest veins i've got and make them clean. clean like when i was five and only had scrapes to heal.
tonight i quit sleeping in my bed. i'm done with that stupid fucking thing and all its hideous sheets.
after james left, this part of the world went grey and disgusting. It got painful to move my legs and i became this little insomniac falling asleep in the bathtub at 3:00 in the morning.
the last picture we took, he was kissing me. you could see the Bukowski book "Betting on the Muse' that he was holding in his hands.
things are devastatingly over now and he's back in pennsylvania patching up things with a former girlfriend.
i shot a little video of brent yesterday for my broadcasting class. it was based on his morning routine. every once in awhile i had to walk in front of the camera to fix something...and going back and watching it after...well i can't believe the amount of out of control weight i've gained.
and brent looks like this thin little handsome monster with big eyes and sharp enameled incisors. using them to eat fruit loops in the shower.
later we got ready to go to the subtle show up in LA. i was supposed to meet him out by the car but when i finally got out there i couldn't hold it together and i started crying into his shoulders.
he went alone
and
i feel weak.
i drove to the 101 cafe and ate by myself at the counter. read some old book written by saint louis about the rosary.
i like that place. i get left alone no matter how busy it is. and the waiter always lets me stay for hours without guilt even though i'm taking up his possible tips from possible customers.
i deleted myspace. and all my writing.
next to go is my mailing address. i'm ready to move somewhere new. this apartment is infested with smutty memories and carpet stains. i gave up on taking care of the plants out on the balcony.
plus, bear just doesn't seem happy any more.
we spend most of the time sleeping and weeping into eachother's warm bodies.
goodnight little bedbugs. bear and i are going outside to watch the lightening.