We're Not Home, But We're Not Lost [a Sherlock Holmes and John Watson fanmix]
Full album art, tracklistings, and download links under the cut.
I'm ever so pleased to present the second part of our birthday present for ciaranbochna! <3
This mix was collaboration between mad_teagirl and myself, but the album art and the accompanying fic was all mad_teagirl, and man am I in love with it. I feel like it was a present for me too, haha!
DOWNLOAD THE ALBUM ZIP
from my server
from sendspace
We're Not Home, But We're Not Lost
a Sherlock/John fanmix
1. Elliott Smith - Everything Means Nothing To Me
[John]
I picked up the song and found my picture
In the paper, the reflection in the water showed
An iron man still trying to salute people
From a time when he was everything he's supposed to be
Everything means nothing to me
The war has left as much of a figurative hole as a literal one inside of John Watson. The sound of gunfire still rattles through his dreams at night, but when he startles awake the silence hangs heavily over him and he doesn’t know which is worse - the dreams or the emptiness when they’re over. When he’s awake there’s a sort of hazy numbness that clouds everything; and some days the pain in his leg is the only thing that reminds him that he’s real at all. That he didn’t die overseas and return to London a ghost, tiredly haunting the places that used to make him feel something.
2. Aloha - All The Wars
[Sherlock]
We're alive
Thanks to a light
Shone in the night
That found an airship in its sights
In the crossfire
Your grandfather cried to your mother
All the bombs that avoided you
Had somebody else's name
Drawn on the chalkboard in haste
It was a clerical mistake
The Cabbie’s mocking tone as he’d laughed “what’s the point in being clever if you can’t prove it?” had almost been enough to make him push the pill down his throat, never mind if it had been poisonous or not. His brain was the only reason anyone paid Sherlock Holmes any notice, without it he was just like them: dull, ordinary people. And who ever paid attention to that sort? Common as parasites, Sherlock certainly didn’t. There have been so few people he had ever considered to be anywhere near the vicinity of what he deemed “extraordinary”. Then came this simple little man, but really, John Watson isn’t simple at all. He’s strong and brave and Sherlock sees it all plain as day, with the orange blanket draped around his shoulders and the realization that it was John who had shot the cabbie dawning slowly on him. John Watson may be the most extraordinary man Sherlock Holmes has every met.
3. Horse Feathers - In Our Blood
[John]
There are things you tend to say when you're alone
There are tones you tend to take when you're at home
Let me be that thorn, thistle, or key
Let me prove you'll unlock just for me
John is medical man, and he has long understood that along with brilliance comes a level of madness - but Sherlock is a puzzle that seems to always change at the exact moment John is sure he has finally found the answer. Sherlock is, according to Sally Donovan, a psychopath, and to himself, a sociopath; and John can clearly see why the rest of the world could so easily believe that. He is hard around strangers, covering himself in armor, it’s so easy to believe that Sherlock truly feels nothing and cares for no one. But sometimes when it’s only John and him alone in their flat John can see through the cracks in his façade. There is something heartbreaking in the almost lost look he occasionally gets when he doesn’t know John is watching him, but John is always watching him and he sees everything. And John is always just a breath away from reaching his hand out to Sherlock in those terrible moments, from trying to understand whatever it is that haunts his friend and flat mate. But he always stops just short in the motion, and Sherlock’s armor is up again in a matter of seconds anyway; but John can always see that other part of him, even if only just slightly.
4. Eric Wuest - Mr Brightside
[Sherlock]
[Instrumental]
There’s something in the way that John tells him about landing the job in the clinic, especially in the way he refers to the job with female pronouns, that immediately sets Sherlock’s teeth on edge. He hasn’t even met Sarah and he already dislikes her. Before he even knows it John is heading out nearly every night with Sarah - and Sherlock hates it. She’s so ordinary, this little doctor, and as much as Sherlock turns it over and over in his head, making lists and comparisons, he cannot even begin to fathom what it is about her that makes John like her so much. He doesn’t remark on it when John leaves each time, but without fail he finds himself moving to the window, watching the army doctor go. And every time John leaves there is a low sick feeling in the pit of Sherlock’s stomach that rises into a burning in his neck and ears. Sometimes he stands in front of the window for hours, long fingers pressed to the cold glass, waiting for John to come home.
5. Noah And The Whale - Waiting For My Chance To Come
[John]
'Cause it's hard to feel like
You're worth something in this life
When you're walking next to me
I can hear my body speak
Sarah is a perfectly lovely girl. She’s beyond lovely, as girls go, she may be the best that John has ever dated - she’s sweet, pretty, and clever in a way that doesn’t make John worry that he is going to find eyeballs in his refrigerator. And he enjoys being around her in the same comfortable way that he enjoys curling up on the couch with tea and the newspaper on Sunday mornings. But when he’s with his mad detective flat mate it’s like an electrical current under his skin. With Sherlock he feels brave and alive like he hasn’t since before he shipped off to the war. And it’s entirely illogical, aside from the fact that Sherlock has, from the beginning, made it clear that he as absolutely no interest in relationship, there are the very real factors that Sherlock Holmes is A) completely insane and B) has danger following him constantly like a pet dog. There is no substitute for the way John’s heart races when he’s with Sherlock; it makes him feel brave and special and the happiest he’s ever been. Even if Sherlock never looks at him the way John wants him to, it’s enough just to be around him, running through the streets after him, and laughing until his lungs ache.
6. Tragically Hip - Tiger the Lion
[Sherlock]
If there's danger in the language, gentlemen
I suggest no further use of the two-way radio
The inside of Sherlock Holmes’ head is, generally speaking, like the most well organized hall of records. Everything is in its place; alphabetized, labeled, and filed neatly into cabinets. Or rather, it was this way, now it’s more akin to an area where a hurricane has touched down. Everything is up heaved and chaotic and at the center of the chaos is John Watson. There are not enough cases or distractions, and everything John does anymore makes Sherlock feel like his brain is coming more and more undone. And dear God, Sherlock just wants it to be quiet for a moment in there, and not to be booming over loud speakers “John Watson, John Watson, John Watson”. His brain is rumbling with how many times in their last conversation John licked his lips, the way John smells after he’s just showered, John’s lopsided smiles. Sherlock needs the quiet, and he needs it now - so there are chemicals and needles; and he climbs into the bath tub with his hands over his ears and his eyes squeezed shut and waits for them to work, waits for it to be quiet again.
7. Radiohead - Black Star (Acoustic)
[John]
The troubled words of a troubled mind
I try to understand what is eating you
John comes home from the clinic and the flat is nearly entirely dark. There is only the faintest source of light and John follows it up the stairs and to their bathroom. The rubber tubing is still tight around Sherlock’s forearm and his eyes are closed. For an awful moment John is positive that Sherlock is dead until he sees the subtle rise and fall of the detective’s chest. John grabs him by the shoulders and shakes him firmly until Sherlock’s eyes languidly open to regard him.
“What the hell have you done?” John hisses, taking Sherlock’s forearm between his hands and examining the new puncture wound, nestled within the cobweb of track marks that he has always done his best to ignore.
“It’s like neon light bulbs inside here.” Sherlock tells him, pushing a hand against his temple “all buzzing and idle rubbish, I needed to fix the insides of my head.”
“Oh, so you shot up? And that is meant to fix the insides of you head?” John lets go of his arm and stares at him incredulously “Are you a complete idiot?”
“My mind rebels at stagnation.” Sherlock tells him with a hollow laugh that makes John feel cold inside.
8. Kevin Mason Hull - Fold
[Sherlock]
Oh how glass is colorless, confining and stern
Oh how I long to slip away and not return
The vibrancy you paint across my eyes seems eternally to burn
Isn't there a fold in the dark to hide us
And seal us from this static space
Isn't there a soft smirk waiting to guide us
Suspended, hidden in your face
Sherlock feels like the volume has been turned down on everything, it’s all so quiet and slowed. He isn’t sure when he ended up on the couch, but he is dimly aware that John must have carried him in order from him to have gotten there. John comes and goes, asking questions that Sherlock has trouble responding to because John is too far away, too muted and hazy around the edges. At points he thinks John must be there next to him, watching over and trying to fix him.
“I am split all across me.” Sherlock tells the quiet shape in his periphery, that must be John, has to be John. “When there are hairline cracks in glass there’s always the point where you can see the thing that made the break start. I’m made of glass and in the middle of my cracks is you.” He thinks John may have said something; he can feel the vibrations of the words against his skin.
“They spell your name out I think, the cracks, I think if you put an x-ray over me, your name would be the only thing I’m filled with. Do you understand what I’m telling you?” Because Sherlock needs John to understand what he’s saying, it’s important; it’s the most important thing in the world. The soft entity that must be John is moving away from him, and Sherlock listlessly stretches a hand towards his retreating back.
9. Morrissey - Moon River
[John]
Oh, Dreammaker
You heartbreaker
Wherever you're going
I'm going your way
After Sherlock recovers John never brings the incident up again. There are little-to-no traces of the part of Sherlock that whispered to John through his drug-induced haze, the look of desperation he’d had even through the high. John doesn’t talk about it, but he doesn’t forget about it either, because he’s began to understand that there is a part of Sherlock that cares about him in a way that is beyond the flat sharing and mystery solving. But Sherlock is sober now, and God knows if he even remembers the nonsense he said while he was under the influence, and John is not about to remind him. It was a terrible, horrifying incident, and at the same time there is a warm glow in John when he looks at Sherlock now. There’s a hope in him now that he had quelled because he had been so certain that Sherlock was the kind of iceberg that would never melt enough for John to see it at its center. But he knows what is at the center of him now, and according to Sherlock, the center is John.
10. Band of Horses - Detlef Schrempf
[Sherlock]
The town is gonna talk, but these people do not
See things through to the very minimal
But what's it gonna cost to be gone?
If we see you like I hoped we never would
He’s so sure as he enters the pool where Karl Powers died what seems like centuries ago. He feels the sort of glow under his skin he only gets when he knows he’s been particularly amazing and clever and he’s completely ready for anything that Moriarty throws at him. Anything at all, until John steps out and Sherlock feels like all his blood has turned to ice water inside of him. He’s used to everything spelling itself out in front of him so easily and in this moment he simply cannot understand what’s happening. He has an urge to reach out towards John, to take him by the shoulders, to make him explain.
But then John opens his mouth and Moriarty’s words are tumbling out mouth and it’s really just too much. When there were other people strapped to bombs it was still just puzzles and games, and even if Sherlock guessed wrong; those people were strangers. This is John.
If it was anyone else Sherlock could be clever and laugh in the face of this, but it isn’t and he is cold and quiet and has no idea what the Hell to do. Only that time slows to a crawl and all he can think is “Not John”.
11. Editors - Bones
[John]
In the end all you can hope for
Is the love you felt to equal the pain you've gone through
Are your eyes showing off for mine?
Your face in my hands is everything that I need
John has always had a terrible tendency to overcomplicate and over think. Any given scenario he thinks about from about forty different angles before he finally acts. He’s just cautious about things, always has been. The only difference came when he was in Afghanistan, where any sort of hesitation had a tendency to earn you a hole clean through your head.
Part of him knows that if ever there was time to be taking pause and thinking things through it would be now. Moriarty is, after all, a criminal genius, and much like a cornered viper. And were it just him and Jim Moriarty, John might give it a moment and mull over his actions before he does anything rash. But the fact that it’s Sherlock that Moriarty is really threatening makes the situation very, very simple. And John realizes that he will do anything to keep Sherlock safe from this madman.
So for once in his life he doesn’t even think when he grabs onto Moriarty, whispering in his ear about how they’ll both go up if his sniper takes the shot now. And there is a foreign expression that flickers in Sherlock’s eyes at the comprehension of what John is willing to do for him. And even though John’s attempt to save them spectacularly fails - there is an unspoken communication - furthered by Moriarty’s taunt about how they both know he does have a heart, followed by the quick, panicked look Sherlock shoots at John. The desperation in Sherlock’s eyes brings back the memory of all the nonsense he had murmured in his drug-addled state, and for John Watson everything is suddenly so very, very clear.
12. Wild Beasts - Two Dancers II
[Sherlock]
O, do you want my heart between your teeth?
Your hands are curling up like floating leaves
You who shall deserve
You who shall deserve
Sherlock is a man of science and cold facts, he doesn’t believe in abstract nonsense like “miracles”. But even he is having trouble straying from the idea of the miraculous at the moment. It had to be a miracle that they made it away from the pool alive. It had to be a miracle that his utterly half-baked plan of detonating the semtex and diving behind the shower stalls actually worked. And then there was John - who was possibly the most miraculous factor.
They reach Baker Street out of breath and covered in dust and plaster; but adrenaline carries them up the stairs and into the flat. John slams the door behind them and leans heavily against it, and Sherlock can smell the scent of the explosion on John’s hair.
“Sherlock, that was insane.” John gasps, a hand pressed against his ribs. Sherlock only half listens, they should be dead by all rights. When it was just him that Moriarty might kill, that was fine, dull, even; but today John was almost taken from him. He’s been staring too long and John looks up at him confused “Sherlock, what…?” He’s promptly silenced by the Detective’s mouth slamming down against his.
At first Sherlock is sure that John is going to push him away, demand to know just what the Hell he thinks he’s doing. But when the doctor instead pushes up on his toes and grabs onto Sherlock’s face, kissing him back for all he’s worth, Sherlock decides to not get too scientific or analytical about all this. So he fists one hand in the front of John’s shirt and drags him to his bedroom.
13. Gentleman Reg - Over My Head
[John]
There is really no point
To sit back and waste
All the passion I had saved up for you
It’s odd to John how quickly, and almost easily, his relationship with Sherlock has evolved. There’s still madness: heads in refrigerators, fingers in vegetable crispers, and an “a bit not good” joy over serial killings. But then there’s also the moments when John will be reading the newspaper at the table and Sherlock will come up behind him, wrapping his long arms around John’s shoulders and resting his cheek on top of John’s head with a small, contended sigh.
It would figure that the instant John thinks he’s finally gotten his head around the oddity that is Sherlock Holmes everything changes. Not that John is complaining - he would be lying if he said this wasn’t something he’s been fantasizing about for months. Of course in his fantasies there wasn’t as much biting - but he doesn’t really mind that either.
14. Loney, Dear - My Heart
[Sherlock]
If I want to own
If I want what's yours
If I always want to own you
One of Sherlock’s quirks is the way he obsessively locks onto things. John Watson is no exception, if anything, he’s doubly so. It takes so much control to not ask John where he’s going anytime he leaves the room. He never wants him out of his sight. Ever. Sherlock wants to spend every waking moment deciphering the variegated hues of John’s eyes, the flicker of his tongue over his lips, the way he still snaps to attention at times. It’s all extraordinary and Sherlock wants to study and understand all of it. He deletes whole segments of information in his brain to make room for cataloging every fact about John he can uncover. Everything from John’s favorite tea (Estate Darjeeling), to how he sleeps at night (generally on his stomach, with his mouth open). Sherlock knows that there is nothing correct about a want to not just know, but to own everything that is John. So he keeps it to himself, but he still thinks it.
15. Snow Patrol - Close Your Eyes
[John]
And when the worrying starts to hurt
And the world feels like graves of dirt
Just close your eyes until
You can imagine this place, you're our secret space as well
John knows Sherlock is not like other people. He’s always known that. From the first day he met him he became acutely aware of the fact that, in addition to being completely brilliant, Sherlock is also completely mad. And generally speaking he can handle that sort of thing. He’s a medical professional, he can handle crazy. The trouble is Sherlock himself doesn’t always seem equipped to handle his own insanity - he gets obsessively involved in cases, and John sometimes gets up in the middle of the night to find Sherlock pinning photographs to their living room wall and mulling the evidence over and over and over. Sometimes he’ll have read and re-read the evidence over and over and over, and John will have to come and gently remind him that he hasn’t slept or eaten in days.
And usually that’s enough to make Sherlock snap back into some semblance of reality. Usually. But sometimes John has to all but bodily drag Sherlock from his work and push him onto the couch; forcing a piece of toast into his mouth and standing between Sherlock and his evidence until he at least eats something. Some days John wonders how this man even managed to survive without him around to baby-sit.
16. Margot & the Nuclear So and So's - As Tall As Cliffs [Demo Version]
[Sherlock]
But I can't bear to hear
The things about last year
I’ve been up all night, up all night
And I can't bear to hear
the things about last year
You came well equipped
With a gun on your hip
And some poison on your lips
He’s careful - he always waits until he is positive that John is either asleep or gone to the clinic before he types the URL into his laptop’s address bar. One of the benefits of being related to the British government is that Sherlock is able to patch into CCTV feeds all over London. Yes, one day Mycroft will likely come to call on the massive favor Sherlock now owes him for this, but it’s worth it.
Jim Moriarty is still out there somewhere. He’s much too clever to have been undone by something so trivial as a vest full of explosives; and Sherlock will find him. With everything else happening, hunting down Moriarty is still always in the forefront of Sherlock’s mind. After the scene at the pool Sherlock would by lying if he said he didn’t have a vendetta against dear Jim. The man is still several points ahead in their game, and Sherlock has never been one to accept defeat gracefully, so finding Moriarty is eating at him constantly.
John Watson is a good man, which is exactly why Sherlock knows that there is no way that he can ever find out about this. He would try to stop him - and be right in doing so, it’s lunacy and even Sherlock knows this. They barely escaped with their lives after this last encounter with Moriarty. And John would point this out, because John is sensible, and strong, and noble … and also a big factor in why Sherlock has to find Moriarty. Because every time he thinks of what almost happened at the pool, what could have happened … he isn’t entirely sure that if he finds Moriarty it will be mostly so he can kill him.
17. Chris Garneau - Black & Blue
[John]
There's a man in this town
He’s shooting us down
He thinks he's a big man but he doesn’t know anything about us
Or anything at all
The split screen of multiple CCTV cameras’ footage is open on Sherlock’s laptop when John gets back from the clinic one day. He doesn’t need to ask what it’s for, but he mentally kicks himself for not realizing sooner that just because Sherlock hasn’t said anything about Moriarty for some time, doesn’t mean he’s given up either.
It takes him a full minute to realize Sherlock is standing in the doorway with a shocked, dismayed look on his face.
“You have to understand, I can’t let him win.” Sherlock says finally, and John wants to shake him, preferably until he comes to his senses.
“So you have a death wish then?” John replies, crossing his arms. It’s not that he doesn’t want to hunt Moriarty down, he does. What he doesn’t want is for Sherlock to get himself killed, and this is a dangerous stupid game that Sherlock is playing. And, Hell, for being a genius the man is capable of such idiocy it occasionally leaves John speechless.
Sherlock presses his lips together, making his mouth into a thin line.
“I don’t need your approval, John.” It’s a hiss between clenched teeth more then anything.
“You want to risk all of this, risk us, for a game? God damn it Sherlock!” The words come out so much louder then John means for them to, and the detective looks stunned. John knows that it all sounds so much needier then he meant for it to, but it’s honest - and he wants to tell Sherlock that if he cares even half as much for him then he’ll give up this Moriarty business before it puts him in the ground. He doesn’t say that though, instead he grits his teeth against the tears that sting in his eyes because Sherlock looks like John has actually slapped him in the face. He’s opening his mouth but no words will come out.
So John steels himself and walks over to Sherlock, putting his hands on his shoulders and swallowing his emotions.
“I’m sorry Sherlock, look, if it’s that important to you I’ll help you out. Just tell me what you need me to do.” Sherlock nods gratefully, and John ignores the way the whole thing makes him feel like he’s being pulled apart from the inside.
18. Aloha - Be Near
[Sherlock]
Can we be near?
Hands across the table
Everything in pairs
On the run, we aim for the summits and pinnacles
But when your wobbly legs tire, your mind still roams
Here comes the wheelbarrow, I'm taking you home
Please believe in my sense of direction
We're not home, but we're not lost
In some respects it’s like they’re on some sort of a Honeymoon, which Sherlock finds entirely laughable. But they’re in Switzerland of all places, everything is quiet and remote and different. Which Sherlock likes, despite himself; because he’s free to kiss John in the open and pull him back to their bedroom in the tiny Bed and Breakfast and have him as often as he likes.
It’s almost enough to make him forget that they’ve come here because of Moriarty - and that every second that John is here with him he’s in danger. It’s not like Sherlock didn’t try and explain that to him, didn’t try and make him leave - but the doctor had scowled, and crossed his arms, and absolutely refused to. And Sherlock would be lying if he didn’t admit that it undid him a little inside to see that sort of fierce loyalty.
While they’re walking arm and arm through the Swiss hills the other shoe falls, like Sherlock has been waiting for it to. His phone trills with the text message
“Found you darling, be a dear and meet me at the falls. It would be such a shame to drag your pet into this. - M”
Threatening John sends a wave of rage and something too subtle for Sherlock to place through him. But he won’t let Jim get his hands on John again, not this time. So when John asks him who is texting him here, Sherlock takes a deep breath and concocts a lie about a girl highly allergic to bee stings who has been stung multiple times. Tells him that the Proprietor of the Bed and Breakfast has texted to ask if there is anything John can do to help.
“Aren’t you coming?” John asks obliviously as he starts back towards to Inn.
“I wouldn’t be of any use to you John, I’ll be along soon.” He tells him. Sherlock watches John grow smaller in the distance before he takes a deep breath and turns towards the falls and Jim.
19. Bon Iver - Blindsided
[John]
I crouch like a crow
Contrasting the snow
For the agony, I'd rather know
'Cause blinded
I am blindsided
“Whatever else I may have been. I was always yours.
- SH”
It’s the text that really guts him. The second the Inn Keeper had raised an eyebrow and told John he didn’t know anything about a girl - he’d had doubts. But then there was the text and everything made sense and dread fell like a horrific knot in John’s stomach as he found himself running harder then he ever had in his life towards Reichenbach Falls.
Seeing Sherlock in the shallow water is the most horrific thing he’s ever witnessed, even in the war, with good men he’d known well dying in front him. They were good men, all of them, but none of them were like Sherlock, and he simply cannot let Sherlock die on him.
He has to all but bludgeon the ambulance driver into letting him ride with Sherlock, because he can’t let him out of his sight again for even a second. His breathing is shallow, but he’s breathing, and if John just doesn’t look away it will keep him alive. As long as he doesn’t lose sight of him again Sherlock won’t die. It’s the most irrational medical opinion he’s ever had, but he isn’t big on rationality right now.
In the hospital he holds onto Sherlock’s hand while the monitors beep around them and tells him over and over again:
“You had better wake up, you arrogant bastard, if you don’t I’ll never forgive you. So you’d better wake up.”
20. Lost in the Trees - Tall Trees
[Sherlock]
Oh, say you will carry on
Oh, say you'll burn all those who are wrong
John isn’t there when Sherlock wakes up, but Mycroft is. He informs Sherlock that John has finally been shooed away to get coffee or something and for one of the only times in his life Sherlock is actually grateful to see his brother.
“I need your help Mycroft.” He tells him. The thing is, as long as he’s still breathing John is in danger. He knew without being told that they didn’t find Moriarty at the scene, only him, and that Jim is still out there somewhere. If Sherlock is dead then Jim will have no reason to come after John. It all makes perfect sense. “I need to fake my death.”
“You need to do what?” His brother snorts incredulously, and Sherlock avoids the urge to quip, to argue, he simply doesn’t have time.
“You heard me. I need you to cover it up for me, John … John isn’t safe unless Moriarty thinks I’m dead.”
“The things we do for love.” Mycroft says in the most sincere tone Sherlock has heard him use in years, his brother pauses for a moment, glancing at his wedding ring before inhaling deeply and nodding. “Do you have any idea where you’ll go? You’re hardly fit to travel in your condition, you know.”
“I’ll think of something. I can’t put John at risk again. I just-“
“I know.” Mycroft says in an all-together too gentle tone. “But he’ll be coming back soon, so we’ll just have to wing it. Come along then, little brother.” He’s already dialing contacts and barking orders as he helps Sherlock out of the hospital bed and onto his unsteady legs.
And when John returns, coffee in hand, there it’s to an empty hospital bed and Mycroft with a miserable, sympathetic look on his face that makes John’s heart drop into the pit of his stomach.
21. Patrick Wolf - Teignmouth (Lone Bachelor Demo 2003)
[John]
From that window
I saw black gulls lost at sea
They move like shadows
Those birds still haunt these dreams
With hope prevailing
I draw galleons sailing
With full sails billowing free
Lestrade gently tells John that he is in denial, but all the same indulges him with a sort of sad, pitying look as John continues to insist that Sherlock must be alive. John has never enjoyed people pitying him, not when he came home from the war with his bad leg and sever limp, and definitely not now.
But he knows Sherlock has to be out there, he just has to be. Telling himself that is what keeps John Watson getting out of bed in the morning, because if he lets himself stop and believe the alternative, believe that Sherlock is actually dead … he knows he’ll shut down completely. He’d been halfway to putting a gun in his mouth when he’d first met Sherlock, and Sherlock had been the reason that he never did after that. He has to believe that Sherlock is still alive.
He scours police files, checks comments on Sherlock’s site for clues. Hell, some nights he even takes to following comments on Molly’s blog, just on the off chance that it will lead him to Jim and to Sherlock. Finding Sherlock is all that matters anymore, everything else is quiet, and cold, and John just can’t cope with it. So he keeps looking.
22. Christopher O’Riley - Waltz #1
[Sherlock]
[Instrumental]
It’s been three years since Sherlock has seen England and Baker Street. He’s spent so long hiding now he’s not sure if he knows how to stop being invisible. But he can be invisible a little longer, invisible is good still - even though time has passed he still needs to be careful.
He stands behind a phone booth across from the clinic John works at, and waits. He’s there for almost two hours before the doctor emerges, and it’s all Sherlock can do to not run across the street to him. John is mostly the same, a little thinner, and looks slightly more worn around the edges, but he’s alive.
Sherlock does this nearly every day for a week. Waits for John to get off work, then discreetly follows him home. Every time he has to force himself to not go to him, he has to force himself to turn around and disappear again just as John reaches 221B. Until one day he can’t stand being invisible to John any more and follows him the rest of the way home.
23. The National - Santa Clara
[John]
'Cause it's all right
All right to see a ghost
There is a hand that rests on John’s shoulder as he turns the key in the front door to his flat; and he almost jumps out of his skin. He whirls around, ready for anyone but whom is actually standing on the step below him.
“Hello John.” Sherlock says with an awkward half smile. John can’t even think of words or proper reactions, he sinks with his back pressed against the door, landing on the steps with a pronounced “thump”.
“Sherlock…” He breaths, and closes his eyes tightly, he’s sure when he opens them the detective won’t be there anymore. He’s even more shocked when he finally does open them and Sherlock is still there, crouching next to him, brow furrowed.
“Are you ill? Do I need to get you to a doctor?” Sherlock asks with worry clear in his voice, and John laughs in the high-pitched way he does when he’s on the edge of hysteria.
“I am a doctor, you idiot.” He tells him “Where the hell have you been? It’s been three years, Sherlock. I’ve been looking everywhere.”
“You had to think I was dead, John. It was the only way to keep you safe.”
“I was worried sick, you know.” John says, narrowing his eyes. Sherlock frowns.
“I’m sorry.” It’s the most sincere Sherlock has ever sounded. John isn’t even angry, because Sherlock is alive, and home. So he digs his fingers into Sherlock’s hair and mashes their mouths together.
24. Dear And The Headlights - I Know
[Sherlock]
Cause' I know you care
And I've grown so tired of not being there
Sherlock had half expected the inside of their flat to be entirely different. But it isn’t. John hasn’t moved a thing. He hasn’t even tidied it. It’s like being in a museum.
“Here I thought with me gone you’d get in some of that cleaning you’re always going on about.” Sherlock jokes, affectionately tapping the mantle. John is still staring at him like Sherlock might vanish in a puff of smoke at any moment. Sherlock has never been particularly adept articulating things in this area, so all he can do is tense and wait for John to say something.
“I ... umm… I didn’t want to move anything, you know, just in case.” John makes an awkward half shrugging movement. “And I thought about finding a different flat and all, but then I thought…”
“You thought what?”
“I don’t know, that if you came back you would, you know … need to be able to come home.” Sherlock can’t help but grin at the word, even if John looks so thoroughly embarrassed that he’s gone pink clear to the tips of his ears.
Sherlock moves across the room in a few easy strides, all but gliding up to the doctor and taking his face in his hands.
“John” He says softly, and John licks his lips before meeting his eyes.
“Yes?”
“I’m home.” Sherlock breathes against his mouth.
25. Akron/Family - Don't Be Afraid, You're Already Dead
[John]
Don't be afraid
It's only love
John Watson wakes up to diffused light filtering in through his window, and a long arm thrown across his chest. He’s dreamed about this exact thing happening for three years, and for a moment he almost worries that he still is dreaming. But he doesn’t dream about the twinge in his neck or any of the other bits of him that are sore, so he’s at least certain it’s real this time.
He shifts awkwardly in the bed, partly to get more comfortable, mostly to get a better look at Sherlock; who makes a small groaning noise and turns his face into the pillow.
“You don’t need to stare at me like that, I’m not going anywhere.” He says around the bedding.
“I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.” Sherlock breathes in heavily and forces himself up on his elbows to look at John.
“Wherever you think I’m going to disappear to, I’m not. You’re stuck with me this time, so relax.”
“Sure, until the next criminal mastermind comes along, and you feel the need to go hide in some caves for three more years.” John says with a thoughtful, albeit slightly mocking, nod.
“Hell.” Sherlock groans, moving over John and pushing him into the mattress with his hands firmly planted against the other man’s shoulders. “I said I’m not going anywhere and I’m not. Going. Anywhere. Do you understand?” Then John starts to laugh and Sherlock is completely confused until John reaches a hand up and traces his finger along Sherlock’s jaw.
“Good.” John says. “Brilliant.”
26. Patrick Wolf - Together
[Sherlock]
And I can do this alone
But we can do this so much better together
He missed John more then he lets on. The three years Sherlock spent on his own were like sleepwalking - all just haze and quiet. But when he takes a moment to think beyond himself he realizes that it was just as hard on John, if not worse. At least Sherlock had Mycroft to update him on John’s status, he always knew John was alive and he can’t even imagine how he would have felt if the situation had been flipped.
He’ll never admit it, but he does honestly feel guilty about leaving John alone. So he does subtle things to make up for it, he actually picks up milk from the shop and stops putting fingers in the vegetable crisper. Mostly he makes sure that he is never out of John’s sight, as much for himself as for John if he is going to be completely honest.
A full week goes by before they even bother to let the Yard know that Sherlock isn’t dead, the first week John isn’t willing to share Sherlock with anyone else, which doesn’t bother Sherlock in the least.
Once Lestrade gets through his “oh bloody Hell” phase of finding out that Sherlock is alive it isn’t long before he sends Sherlock a case that the yard has been entirely unable to crack. It’s a text detailing a small rash of gun shot deaths, that would all appear to be a suicide if not for the fact the bullets in the victims’ guns don’t match the ones that ballistics found at the crime scene.
Sherlock is grinning like a lunatic and swirling into his coat and scarf when he notices John standing hesitantly in the middle of the living room, watching him.
“Are you off then?” John asks with his voice full of caution and a hint of disappointment.
“A case like this? I’d be a fool to pass it up. Get your coat, John” Sherlock says as he loops his scarf around his neck.
“You want me to come with you then?” John’s tone is so hopeful that Sherlock makes a small chuckle before he holds his hand out to him.
“Of course, I’d be lost without you.” John smiles like the sun coming up and they head out into the night hand and hand.
DOWNLOAD THE ALBUM ZIP
from my server
from sendspace
If you would like a link to any of the individual tracks, just ask!
[view the mix on tumblr]
[view the mix on 8tracks]
And while you're here, please check out some of the other fandom-y things I've worked on:
more fanmixes + more things sherlock
or come join us at 221b-fanmix
This Sherlock/John fanmix was created for you (But mostly for you, ciaranbochna, Happy Birthday!) with love by mad_teagirl and suchaprince. The stunning album cover and the positively gorgeous accompanying fic are by mad_teagirl.