...freaked out and bashful and blue...
Mood: ...it's somewhere...
Mo'Zak: "hammer and screw" by Sandman
familiar things fill my line of sight, some wonderful and warm, others dreadful and panic inducing...
that's fine, i can deal, the past isn't what's happening, this is now, now is new...
there's this thing that can see through me right now, and it's sparked a conflicting sensation of terror and comfort conjoined by a thick fleshy middle flap of absolute adoration... and now i'm in the desert where skeletons walk and that inspirational creature i've come to hold dear is far away... i miss rolling it's cigarettes and falling asleep to the sound of it breathing...
it's a complex situation indeed...
the more time goes by after confessing that i'm not the bundle of care free joy that i make myself out to be the closer i get to putting this puzzle together, it's big and the pieces are scattered across a table i've buried under books and over due bills i forgot to pay to get my emotions turned back on, but i'm taking those red lined mandates and i'm getting back in good standing with my heart, it's gonna take work but i have no choice at this point because no ones giving me anymore credit at this point, and rightly so, i've let myself become a very messy thing...
i like typing to only you, and referencing you not as a human but as some thing that affects me, and you do, to an extent that is hard to deal with, it makes my head jumbled sometimes and my chest feel funny, but i'm glad i have that, it reminds me...
i still feel the affects of the chemicals, but the sense of clarity and focus has gone away to leave a dull ache and and slight anxiety...
i need to sleep, but i think i'm gonna find that difficult regardless...
it seems you know in a way that goes a little beyond my own knowledge of myself, on further introspection i though about what i did to the people in my past, and it wasn't about boredom or lack of respect, it was about believing that no good can come from me, and then making myself prove it so i don't seem like a liar when i say it out loud... the spelunking addiction i'm sure we've talked about, my apparent love for dropping into oblivion to see myself escape, i can't go any deeper, the next hole will be my last...
the loneliness that i feel is not a lack of love from others, i have a lot of that, i think it's because the person that i'm missing is myself in some odd way, that is my revelation for the day...
past that lump of weirdness...
i'm excited to see everyone tonight, even though most of what i say will be the same thing over and over again... my family is stoked to have me around, which makes me feel nice... it's gonna be hilarious to see you interact with them...
anyway, i'm gonna take off i still haven't napped and i'm just not sure what to do with myself right at this moment... but now that i've taken a shower and eaten a little, i'm feeling less nervous about being here... so yeah, gonna go do something...
Mo'Zak: "hammer and screw" by Sandman
familiar things fill my line of sight, some wonderful and warm, others dreadful and panic inducing...
that's fine, i can deal, the past isn't what's happening, this is now, now is new...
there's this thing that can see through me right now, and it's sparked a conflicting sensation of terror and comfort conjoined by a thick fleshy middle flap of absolute adoration... and now i'm in the desert where skeletons walk and that inspirational creature i've come to hold dear is far away... i miss rolling it's cigarettes and falling asleep to the sound of it breathing...
it's a complex situation indeed...
the more time goes by after confessing that i'm not the bundle of care free joy that i make myself out to be the closer i get to putting this puzzle together, it's big and the pieces are scattered across a table i've buried under books and over due bills i forgot to pay to get my emotions turned back on, but i'm taking those red lined mandates and i'm getting back in good standing with my heart, it's gonna take work but i have no choice at this point because no ones giving me anymore credit at this point, and rightly so, i've let myself become a very messy thing...
i like typing to only you, and referencing you not as a human but as some thing that affects me, and you do, to an extent that is hard to deal with, it makes my head jumbled sometimes and my chest feel funny, but i'm glad i have that, it reminds me...
i still feel the affects of the chemicals, but the sense of clarity and focus has gone away to leave a dull ache and and slight anxiety...
i need to sleep, but i think i'm gonna find that difficult regardless...
it seems you know in a way that goes a little beyond my own knowledge of myself, on further introspection i though about what i did to the people in my past, and it wasn't about boredom or lack of respect, it was about believing that no good can come from me, and then making myself prove it so i don't seem like a liar when i say it out loud... the spelunking addiction i'm sure we've talked about, my apparent love for dropping into oblivion to see myself escape, i can't go any deeper, the next hole will be my last...
the loneliness that i feel is not a lack of love from others, i have a lot of that, i think it's because the person that i'm missing is myself in some odd way, that is my revelation for the day...
past that lump of weirdness...
i'm excited to see everyone tonight, even though most of what i say will be the same thing over and over again... my family is stoked to have me around, which makes me feel nice... it's gonna be hilarious to see you interact with them...
anyway, i'm gonna take off i still haven't napped and i'm just not sure what to do with myself right at this moment... but now that i've taken a shower and eaten a little, i'm feeling less nervous about being here... so yeah, gonna go do something...