Log // Completed
+ When: Last night
+ Where: The park, then Kamui's house.
+ Who: Shirou Kamui (notagirldamnit) & Sumeragi Subaru (unluckyclanhead)
+ Summary: Subaru finds angsting Kamui in the park. Drama, and then slight-soul-losing ensue. All topped off, oddly enough, by fluff.
He'd woken early this morning. He could barely remember falling asleep. He'd even woken up with tears on his face, and he couldn't remember why really. He needed some air, clear out his confusion. It felt like he'd lost a day.
The park was a nice place to go for this. To get a better look at the place, take it in better. "It's.. not so bad here... if not a bit eerie..." he said quietly to himself, hands behind his back.
This wasn't fair: Kamui had figured out his wish, and yet... apparently that had solved nothing. He'd really thought, perhaps naively, that things would get better; that Fuuma would be kinder to him, but none of that was happening. Fuuma was happy he'd figured out his wish, yes, but now apparently he wanted him to figure out more, and he just... couldn't do it. This would never end, it seemed, and he was just so tired.
And then there was the added problem of Subaru being here, but not the version he knew. No, this was the younger one, and it seemed that he was doomed to watch this one be destroyed as his own was. He'd told himself a million times that he wished he could have taken away Subaru's pain -had been able to stop it- but... he just couldn't. He was too late. He was always too late. All he could do now was curl up in the park, under a tree, trying not to cry.
Subaru hadn't really expected anyone else to be here. Though, the presence of someone was apparent. He followed it, out of a curiosity he felt a little bad about, but he did think company would be nice.
He frowned, though, at what he found. Kamui, wasn't it? This person curled up within himself. He sighed, drew in a breath, and approached. "Hello?... Are you alright?"
The small body jumped, Kamui only looking up to see who it was, and instantly feeling worse. Figures. Figures the one he was failing would show up now. He probably didn't even remember all he had told him at this point. That bastard would do as he pleased, and Kamui couldn't stop it, short of killing him.
"I'm fine..." he cracked out, curling back into himself, a little tighter now.
Subaru smiled kindly and knelt down, "No... you aren't. I don't want to pry, but would it help if you had someone to talk to?" he asked, trying to give a sunny disposition. Though, he was worried, the recoiling he did wasn't good.
"No," he said almost curtly, not meaning to be rude to Subaru, but... what else could he do? "Nothing will help me. I'm beyond help." He'd had enough of people trying to help, only to suddenly die or turn against him in the end.
Subaru blinked, but he was used to that, and still smiled. "That's not true," he said, sitting down now. "Anyone can be helped if they allow it."
"That's not true. There are some who are hopeless." Like himself. And god, how he hated the emotions he was feeling right now. He wanted to save Subaru, but at the same time he was angry at him: he had called him a liar when he was trying to help, and not to mention he'd still had his heart ripped out by the older one of this boy who had turned against him. He hurt. And this world, and the people here, seemed to be intent on reminding him of that.
Subaru sighed quietly and sat back some. "I'm sorry, then... I mean... for bothering you..." he said quietly. He felt like he should leave, but something left him hesitant. He was lingering, looking somewhere else. "I'm sure if my sister were here, she could help. Hokuto-chan is very good at helping people, better than I am..." he added, a little quieter.
Way to make him feel more upset and guilty there, Subaru. Not that the other knew what he was doing, but... still. "Shut up," he whispered, voice cracking as he was trying to hold back tears again. Subaru was so kind and innocent, but Kamui knew that would be broken, no matter how much he wanted it not to be. "You'll get used... to not having her around..."
Subaru looked taken back now, glancing to Kamui with a hurt expression. "I wouldn't ever get used to that," he said quietly. "I-I'm sorry if I've been rude... intruding.. I.. I mean..." he said, afraid he'd hurt this person. He didn't like to hurt others.
"This isn't fair!" he suddenly cried out. Damn it, Subaru was so sweet... he didn't deserve the future in store for him. Not that Kamui hadn't always thought that, but now it was just being thrown in his face. He hated this. "There's nothing I can do..." He couldn't look at him; not at the beautiful, bright green eyes that his own Subaru lacked.
His small body jumped in surprise. "What?" he asked, quietly, sitting back in a stagnant position. He sighed. "Nevermind.... I won't pry anymore, I promise," he said, forcing a smile that his eyes betrayed and sighing again. He didn't know what to do right now, not at all. Someone so hurt... he couldn't possibly help them, could he?
: Kamui glanced up at the other boy, eyes watering, as much as he hated that fact. He looked so weak, he knew, but... then again, he was, wasn't he? With everything, he was starting to feel like he was again. "You don't remember, do you. He took your memory." His face was once again buried into his knees, "Of course he did."
Subaru sighed softly as he looked to Kamui's face. "I'm sorry I can't help... but would a shoulder to cry on be sufficient?" he said kindly, putting his smile back on. He looked confused as the other mentioned his memories. "Hm?"
"Having a shoulder to cry on will only make it worse." Or so it seemed. And he knew that he was surely confusing the other, considering he knew Sakurazuka HAD to have suppressed his memory. "Nevermind. I can't do anything. Forget it, forget me... it doesn't matter. And I don't want to hurt you again." He cared for him, of course; even though it wasn't EXACTLY the same Subaru he knew, he still cared for him very much.
"Oh... okay..." Subaru said, frowning, as he'd actually hoped the offer would be a help. He shook his head at the request and smiled. "I'm not the type of person that can just forget his friends.. I'm sorry," he said, bowing his head a little. "Don't worry, I'm not hurt."
Friends? But they barely knew each other. Part of Kamui wanted to think that maybe the two of them had a natural draw and connection, but that thought wasn't helping at all. All it did was make him cry harder, slim body shaking a little. He wasn't sure of all he was feeling: love, maybe? And mourning. Subaru might as well be gone, just like the Fuuma he was so close to was.
Subaru frowned and finally opted to place a hand on Kamui's shoulder lightly and rub it gently. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make it worse.. and make you cry more.... is it really better if I leave?... I... I'll go if it is..." he said, though he sounded a little hurt by it all, he tried to mask it the best he could. It really got to him when people cried because of him.
"I doesn't matter. You'll be taken away, anyway," his voice was barely above a cracking whisper. "You'll be gone." Because he knew his future, and because Subaru would never be... "And there is nothing I can do. Ever."
Subaru finally moves beside him, wrapping his arms around the other and pulling him into a hug. "I'm not going anywhere. Hokuto-chan would get really mad if something happened to me. You don't have to worry," he sighed quietly, keeping the hold loose in case Kamui wanted to push him off. He just couldn't stand seeing anyone so sad.
Damn it. DAMN IT. Subaru was hugging him, and all Kamui could seem to do was lean into it, suddenly clinging to the other boy. It was... a natural reaction, maybe: him and his own time's Subaru had been very tactile with other, after all. "You don't know... I do... you don't because he wiped your memory."
Subaru didn't mind that he was being clung to and rubbed his back in a comforting way. "I'm not sure who you're talking about, but I'm fine... it'll be okay. I don't like people to worry about me, really," he said, laughing a little, "Even if I do wind up worrying my friends at home, I mean, but still..."
Frustrating. This was getting frustrating, as it had been the other day when they'd spoken, but... "You don't understand." He broke away from the embrace, standing and leaning against the tree, head down-turned and arms hugging himself. "You don't know what you're heading for. He's going to practically kill you, and you won't even do anything, and..." He looked up, noticing this tree had candy growing from the branches. Candy. Maybe that would make him feel better...
Subaru let him go and looked up at him, crossing his arms over his chest and smiling less, looking worried again. "People try to kill me all the time... I guess I'm used to it by now. It's just a part of my job sometimes, I guess," he replied, sighing a little, looking away and not noticing him grabbing for the candy.
Kamui picked a good looking piece of candy, popping it into his mouth. Yes, it would make him feel better; surely sugar would. And for a moment he did feel more content, but then, after he had chewed it and it was gone...
"Ah..." he clutched at his shirt, over his chest. Oh god, it was starting to hurt... "It..." And it was getting progressively worse, Kamui looking to Subaru, eyes sharp with pain before he doubled over and collapsed, panting hard. It felt like... someone ripping something from him. It hurt so bad, but it wasn't done yet...
Subaru was surely thrown into a panic as he saw Kamui look to him with those eyes then fall. He took Kamui and moved his top-half into his lap. That wasn't right, what had happened? He took his hand and tried to rub his back to sooth him. "Squeeze my hand when it hurts, okay?" he said, trying to sound in control of the situation as he attempted to concentrate. Maybe, he thought, he should check if it was a spiritual force.
"I'll break i..." He clenched his teeth, shaking and trying not to scream. He didn't squeeze Subaru's hand as instructed though: he wasn't about to hurt him like that. Kamui was far stronger than he looked. "Make it stop..." he whimpered, then arched a little, finally letting out a wail as the pain started to peak.
Subaru shook his head. "D-Don't worry about it... I... I can't tell what's wrong, I'm sorry... I-I haven't seen something like this before," he said, holding the other teenager carefully and still rubbing his back. He knew he had to stay calm, but without means to quell the pain, he didn't know what could be done about it.
That was it, a hard shake and a twist of a fist in Subaru's shirt, and Kamui suddenly became limp, finally passing out. It wasn't the pain that had done it, no, he'd experienced that enough in the last year, but... when a little part of one's soul was being ripped out...
Subaru swallowed. Okay, he had to do something. His house was too far to carry him, though he'd walked here, he'd planned on a long walk. He felt bad about it, but he rummaged into Kamui's wallet for some way to know where his home was. Besides that it was far, he couldn't just bring someone into Seishirou's home. He sighed in relief. That street was nearby. He thought over a sufficient way to carry Kamui, shifting him so he could hold his arms over his shoulders and let him rest his weight on his back. It'd be a long walk, though, this was certain.
He managed to make it there, only nearly dropping Kamui twice, and fumbled with the door awkwardly with one hand holding Kamui's hands together, glad to see it unlocked. He didn't want to go through getting into even more of Kamui's possessions. He pulled him to the couch and with a relieved huff, lay him down.
When Kamui finally woke up, a few hours later, he sat up with a gasp, eyes wide with panic. At first, he didn't know where he was, and that scared him witless, but he did finally recognize the place as his own home.
"Mmm..." he laid back down, head aching, and he felt so... cold. Chilled to the core, despite it being warm outside, and despite being clothed. His small body shivered hard, curling into itself as if seeking warmth that way.
Subaru heard stirring from the couch, he was half asleep in a chair away from the couch. A cup of tea, possibly cold by now, set in front of Kamui and a bowl of soup. He'd thrown a blanket from upstairs over the other, and had got a lighter one for himself.
"You're up?... Are you alright?" he said quietly, sitting upright in the chair and looking over.
"I... I don't know..." his voice was shakey, and he was still shivering hard, despite the blanket. "Did I die?" Odd question, but this kind of felt like death? Or what he thought a brush with death might be like. "How did I get home?"
"No, you didn't di... I don't know what happened," Subaru replied as he yawned and rubbed his eye. He stood and walked over, feeling the cup of soup and the cup of tea. "I'll heat them in a minute," he muttered, sighing, "I brought you here."
"Don't bother with the soup..." he murmured to Subaru promising to heat up the liquids up, once again not meaning to be rude, but accidentally coming off that way. He tended to do that a lot. "My stomach doesn't feel so good." The tea might warm him up, though.
And then it hit him that Subaru had said he'd brought him home, his hand instantly flying to the other's sleeve to cling to it, looking at him with oddly submissive eyes. "You brought me home? Why? You could have just left me..." Would have been easier? "I'm sorry I caused you trouble." Figured he would.
Subaru looked down, shoulders hunching. He was really watching everything he did now. He didn't want to upset Kamui again. "Okay... just the tea then," he said softly, not able to look at the other teenager.
He pat Kamui's hand with reassurance. "I couldn't leave you there. Why would I do that to you?" he said, looking kind, "No trouble, it's not your fault."
"You..." It hurt to hear him say he wouldn't leave him like that: his own Subaru had, after all. Kamui thought he wouldn't, but he had. "Nevermind."
He tried to prop himself up, only to be reminded of his own once-again broken hand, the one now braced and bandaged up. "Ah!" he winced, instantly taking his weight off it.
Subaru looked a little confused for a moment, but shook it off and took the tea into the other room to microwave. He set it in, pressed a time, and hurried out when he heard the cry.
"Are you alright? You should stay still, your hand was broken, right? And besides... your body's probably sore from whatever happened," he said, gently laying his hands on Kamui's shoulders and pushing down a little to try and coax him to lay again.
"Yeah, but..." He laid down as the other seemed to want him to, staring at the back of the couch. "I shouldn't have anyone take care of me. I need to get used to..." Being alone. Or so it seemed, considering that since Fuuma's talk with him, he definitely felt that way. He missed his other Seals too, but he should have known they would be separated. This seemed to be a trend for him, really.
Subaru shook his head, fixing the blanket back over Kamui again. "It's okay to have people take care of you. Even though I'm one tot talk, it's still not a bad thing." He heard the microwave beep that it was ready. Stepping away, he took out the tea and brought it back to set on the coffee table again. "At least it's warm now."
"Not for me, that's not true." His voice was quiet, a little distant. "People, they... ones who get involved with me either hurt me, or they leave, or... something happens." Maybe he was bad luck? "So I shouldn't rely on anyone anymore. I should have stayed away last time." Even though he knew damned well it would mean becoming the Chi no Ryuu Kamui, but at least Fuuma wouldn't have... changed so.
Subaru pat Kamui's shoulder. "It's not you. It may seem like it is, but one person can't cause others to befall something just by being there," he laughed a little, "Besides, I usually bring my own troubles to myself, it wouldn't be your fault," he added with a little shrug of his shoulders. "It's alright to let other people in."
"You... you don't understand..." Of course he couldn't. "I made a choice... one that effected the entire world, and I fucked it up because I'm an idiot." He covered his face with his hands, not wanting to look at Subaru and see his reaction. "Because of me, millions died... and it was all because I had a selfish wish that I didn't even know then, and... I hurt the ones I love most, too. One died because I couldn't do anything, and then the other... he's just a mean bastard who plays with me and hurts me, and... I'm sorry." Ranting like this wasn't his original idea, really.
Subaru took one of the hands from Kamui's face, holding it to his chest securely. "Did you do it on purpose? Did you bear intent to hurt them?" he said quietly, "If you didn't mean it, it's still a mistake, no matter how big. Mistakes can be fixed, right? Your name is Kamui... and you're of my world... but you say it's the future... are you one of the twin stars?" he said, just as quiet and soft. "If so... then it was just destiny. It would happen no matter what choice was made, right?"
At least Seishirou hadn't blocked all of his memory, and... well, he didn't know Subaru had been told about 1999 at such a young age. Maybe he had been raised knowing his role, just as it seemed everyone else was. "I... I am one of them. But destiny... I don't know. I thought I was supposed to die. It was my wish... to die for my twinstar, so all of this..." But then again, Fuuma would have done the same for him, so maybe the future he knew of was an inevitability after all. "I thought that by finding my wish, he would change. I thought we could be friends again, but... I should have known better...."
Subaru smiled a little and held the other's hand a little more securely. "Your true wish comes from your heart, so it isn't selfish. Your friend wouldn't want to be the one hurting you, either. And if he's changed to betray you, would you really want it so you were deliberately hurting the ones you love, too? The situation... it wouldn't be well either way, but still... it was your choice, from your heart, so it isn't wrong."
"Subaru..." This was familiar: the hand holding, Kamui being stuck laying down, talking about wishes...
"But I've given up on my wish, and I don't know what to do anymore. I have nothing left. No hopes, no nothing. I don't want to die anymore, but at the same time... I have no reason to live."
"You have reason to live, you just can't see it," he replied, "You mentioned your loved ones, back home. They're your reason to live, aren't they? Because you care about them," he pointed out, smiling a little. "You have to believe that... in the end it will be okay. Even if it seems bleak now."
"Fuuma is the only reason I'm alive, and that's only because his wish conflicts with mine. Everyone else is dead, or might be soon..." The slim boy closed his eyes, thick lashed brought out by his pale cheeks. "Trying to think things will be okay... will only make the truth hurt more. I doubt I'll ever feel happiness again, especially now that I know Fuuma hasn't changed back..."
Subaru sighed and frowned delicately, holding the hand lightly. "I’m so sorry... that fate has dealt you such a difficult hand. I wish I could ease it... but the way you look at me tells me I can only make it worse. I wish I could help you more," he swallowed, and put a false, well-trained smile on as he reached for the tea. "H-Here, I'll help you drink this... it'll help."
Kamui obediently drank what was offered, feeling worse and worse as the conversation went. Finally, he decide to be a little braver, kinder, and took Subaru's hands, holding them carefully as if the other would break if he squeezed too hard. "The you I know... he left me. He abandoned me. That's why I look at you that way. It still hurts." The look he gave the other was very sincere, his eyes giving away emotions even when he didn't mean them to. "I don't mean to make you feel bad, and I know that... you aren't him yet, but still... I'm afraid of you hurting me. Again."
Subaru let his hand be taken, frowning more. "I... I apologize.. for him. I don't know how I could abandon someone.. who needs me but... I apologize," he said softly, not able to look at him upon learning this. "I wouldn't hurt you... I promise, as your friend, I won't hurt you. Not so long as I can help it."
"But you can't help it..." Kamui said sadly, eyes downcast. As long as Subaru was connected to Seishirou so strongly, nothing would change, as much as he wanted it to. There was nothing he could do, or so Fuuma reminded him. "Because he is more important."
Subaru looked confused. "Who is?" he asked, squeezing Kamui's hand ever so lightly. "I just wish there was something I could do...." he said again, lookign down again and going quiet, hidden under the shadow of the rim of his hat.
At least he hadn't realized his own feelings yet. Maybe there could be some hope, after all. Or not, considering that Kamui's hopes were always dashed. Still, the other was just so sweet and kind that Kamui... found himself getting attached already, despite not wanting that to happen. He wanted him to stay. He wanted...
"Subaru..." he looked away shyly, and suddenly he was blushing. "Can I hug you?"
Subaru blinked, lifting his head to look over a little. He couldn't say no, not after all this. He swallowed and nodded. "Yeah," he said, moving so he sat on the edge of the couch, not wanting Kamui trying to get up.
Kamui felt bad suddenly, reaching for Subaru but pausing. "You don't really look like you want to..." he said softly, nervous. He usually wasn't one to initiate physical contact, so it was a little awkward for him, and even though he'd become comfortable with his Subaru... this was different. "Maybe I shouldn't..."
Subaru smiled again and shook his head. "I just have a lot on my mind now. I'm fine with it," he replied. He was having a hard time with his smile... knowing how much he would change, that he would start hurting his friends. It didn't sit so well in his stomach.
"I'm sorry..." the slightly-smaller boy said softly, deciding that apologizing made for a perfect hug opportunity. At least in that situation, it wouldn't be as awkward? At least it didn't seem that way as Kamui pulled the other to him gently, touch feather light, showing his nervousness and fear of harming the other.
Subaru leaned lightly into the hug, holding the other back in a firmer manner, if for anything, to keep him up easier and help him. He shook his head. "It's okay," he replied quietly, rubbing the other's back a little.
Kamui liked the way this Subaru hugged, just strong enough to be comfortable, and he felt... warm. Even his time's Subaru hadn't felt quite as warm when he hugged him. "You're comfortable," he found himself mumbling, finally relaxing into it, a bit tired and dazed. For all his earlier resistance, he'd already given in.
Subaru smiled kindly and let him lean more against him, feeling him relax. "Am I really? Hokuto-chan always says I'm boney," he replied,shrugging his shoulders a little.
"You're warm," Kamui insisted, entirely relaxed, hands gripping the back of Subaru's shirt. Sure, he noticed Subaru was a bit thin, but his older self was too, and... it wasn't like Kamui could talk either, what with his petite frame and all. "The you I know wasn't this warm." And he really needed to stop talking about this, before Subaru thought he was a freak or something?
Subaru relaxed against him some, finally, feeling a little reluctant to let go. This person needed something like this. Simple acts of affection were something to be done. At least the other sounded better now, too."Hm.. I-I guess so."
It was Kamui who finally pulled back, blushing hard. "I... I'm sorry..." Maybe that had been too awkward. Or so he thought, since he wasn't used to hugging or touching others in a situation like this. "I held on too long, didn't I? I don't want you to think I'm weird or anything." Obviously fairly inept in social situations, yes... weird, no.
Subaru let him go, a little rosy, smiling in a gentle way. "It's alright," he reassured, patting Kamui's shoulder. He shook his head in a silent way to insist that he didn't think Kamui was weird at all. He seemed like someone lonely, that was all.
"You're so kind..." Subaru actually earned a brief smile from the other boy, it quickly disappearing as Kamui remembered how the Onmyouji's kindness hurt him in the end. "That's..." Violet eyes met green, Kamui's expression sincere once again; worry and innocence showing through as well, "Please, I don't want that to hurt you like it has in my time. I don't want you to break..."
Subaru shook his head again, dismissing it. "I can't help how I am. I know it will hurt me someday, whether I know how or not, but... I can't help how I am," he said quietly, hand remaining gently settled on Kamui's shoulder.
"But... if you just stay away from people who would hurt you..." His voice was pained, pleading. Subaru was just so sweet and innocent at this point; Kamui would do anything to make sure he stayed this way. "I want to help you..." Like he could.
Subaru ruffled Kamui's hair lightly, eyes halfway hidden beneath the rim of his hat now. "I know you do.. I know.. just..." he sighed and swallowed a little. "If I break... can I count on you to be there? I mean, I know that's a lot to ask... but..."
"If..." when, "you do..." It was sad to think about, images of his own time's Subaru after Seishirou's death coming to mind. "Of course you can count on me, Subaru. I'll always be here for you, no matter what." Once again, he took one of Subaru's hands, craddling it. "I promise."
Subaru looked relieved as he cupped his hand a little around the one cradling it. "I'll count on it, then," he said softly, "Thank you," he replied, smiling more warmly and looking a little more relaxed.
Slowly, ever so slowly, Kamui smiled a little at Subaru in turn, at least somewhat pleased by their conversation. Not to mention that the other didn't seem to be afraid of being affectionate with him, despite them not knowing each other all that well. Maybe there was something to that natural connection theory after all.
"U-um..." he crunched up a little, shyly, "W-would it be too much for me to ask you to, I don't know, stay tonight or something?" He was, after all, still a little sick feeling, and he didn't want Subaru to leave just yet. "I mean, you don't have to, but..."
Subaru nodded a little. "I'll stay, I don't want you to be alone after that," he replied, feeling a little wary of not only Kamui's physical health, but mental health as well. He bit his lip a little. "Seishirou-san will worry but... he'll understand."
He'll be pissed, Kamui mused, but decided it best to keep that to himself. Even if it was the obvious truth. "Thank you, Subaru," he said softly, smiling much more surely this time, something rare, but he really did feel somewhat content at the moment. He was being taken care of, and Subaru was here with him and away from Seishirou. He couldn't ask for more. "None of the stuff in the spare bedrooms is set up, so you can have my room. I'll sleep here?" Logical.
"You're welcome," he said, a little cheeriness to his voice. Though, when the other mentioned sleeping down here, he instantly shook his head in refusal. "You're hurt, the couch will make it worse, don't worry about me, I'll be fine."
"I don't want you sleeping on the couch," the slightly smaller boy said firmly, obviously fully prepared to argue this. "I'm the one keeping you here, anyway, so you at least get the bed."
Subaru shook his head again. "No, it's okay," he insisted with a little smile, waving his hands dismissively. "I don't sleep much anyway, and you're injured, really."
Oh hell no. "You, bed. Me, couch. Got it?" He pouted, absolutely set on getting his way. Kamui was rather stubborn, after all. "And I don't get a lot of sleep, either. So it won't matter much to me." Nightmares and all, which plagued him, even though it had been almost a year since Kotori and his family had all died horrifically.
Subaru frowned and sighed. "I really can't, Kamui," he said calmly, folding his hand in his lap. "It isn't right for me to," he added, knowing he could not accept these terms with a clear conscience.
"Then we share the bed?" That made him blush a little, even though it wasn't as if he'd never shared a bed with anyone before. It was just... this was Subaru, the younger Subaru, who didn't know him well, and it felt awkward for him to even be suggesting it. It did seem like the most practical deal, though; even though this had to be one of the first times Kamui was ever practical. "Or we can argue about this all night..."
Subaru turned pink at the suggestion, but swallowed and nodded a little. "So long as it keeps you from sleeping on the couch, I'm fine with it," he replied.
Kamui nodded, "Agreed." This wouldn't be so bad. The bed was big, so it wasn't as if they had to touch or anything. Even if Kamui, himself, would like that, but Subaru... not so much, he was sure. "Maybe I won't have nightmares..." he mumbled to himself, even though he doubted it.
"Hm? Did you.. uh.. s-say something?" he said, a little withdrawn right now as he heard the other mutter something. He'd shared a bed, though unbeknownst to him, before. Still, he was a little shy about it.
"N-nothing important..." he could practically feel the other's discomfort, it rubbing off on him a little, as well. "I... I just have nightmares a lot, and... sometimes I think sleeping with someone else would help, but..." Blush. "Well, I mean, it worked when I was a kid. Kind of stupid to think it would work now, I guess..."
Subaru smiled a little and nodded some. "Well, I mean... I hope it does help that I'm there," he replied, turning a little pink and fiddling with the hem of his gloves. He knew that when he was small, if Hokuto shared his bed, he slept much sounder. He wasn't sure if it was the same for non-twins, though.
"I... I guess we'll see..." Kamui couldn't look into Subaru's eyes, instead focusing on trying to get up. He felt a little weak, tired, and sick... but he was sure he could at least get to bed. "I think we should go sleep now? It's early," 10pm was at least early for him, "but maybe that would be good for us or something..." Like that made sense.
Subaru nodded, but was making sure to stand first. "Let me help you, at least, alright?" he insisted calmly, still looking warmly to the other. He couldn't let him hurt himself further by walking on his own.
Kamui pouted a little, not quite wanting for Subaru to have to fuss over him, but knowing he probably would need the help. Unfortunately. "Don't worry about it too much. You already carried me back here, and I don't want to strain you too much." He managed to stand, but was definitely a little wobbly.
Subaru didn't take 'no' for an answer in these matters. He placed a hand around Kamui's waist on the side of his good hand and pulled the arm over his shoulder. "Just let me help.. please?"
Kamui blushed a little, for the hundredth time it seemed, when he felt Subaru holding onto his waist. "O-okay... but..." At least it would be easier to get to bed like this? As embarrassing as it was, "but I owe you."
tried not to mind the blush, so he didn't turn red himself, and started walking, though he was letting the other lead. He hadn't bothered to explore and find the bedroom, because he believed it would be rude. He smiled a little. "It's nothing, really. Just helping a friend."
"I'll.... I'll make you dinner sometime. Once I'm well enough. Okay?" he said softly as he led the way, finally reaching his bedroom with a sigh of relief. Luckily, the bed was near the door, so he merely pulled away from Subaru, plopping himself on the bed. Changing? Wasn't a priority. He could sleep like this.
With a little sigh, he submitted and smiled. "Alright then," he said, just as quiet, keeping his eyes ahead. He let the other down, walking to the opposite side, taking off his hat and setting it on the nightstand. He looked to Kamui with a little shyness. "Is it okay if I borrow some sleeping clothes? These... aren't the most comfortable to sleep in." Ah, if there wasn't anything to keep him tied to his sister, it was the haunting of her wardrobe choices appearing in his set of clothes for this place.
"Of course," Kamui nodded, undoing the fly of his own pants and working them off. Eh, boxers and a t-shirt were good enough he decided, once he realized the jeans might get twisted and uncomfortable. "Just grab whatever you think might be comfortable. I don't mind." A small smile, trying to make Subaru a bit more comfortable, even if he was a bit oddly nervous himself.
Subaru was relieved at this, moving to the drawers and rummaging in a tidy way. He picked out a t-shirt and a pair of pajama bottoms , bundled them in his arms, and left the room momentarily to go change. He wasn't so comfortable with his thin figure to bare it to anyone, really. He got bad enough reactions from Hokuto.
Pulling back the covers on both sides of his bed, he snuggled into it, waiting for Subaru to change. Odd how he felt a bit disappointed that the other had opted to go elsewhere to change. Oh well, he'd get over it.
Subaru came back as quickly as he could, dressed with a new roll of clothing balled up in his arms. He placed them in the hamper and walked over to the bed after shutting off any lights so neither would have to rise again. He lay down on his side, facing away, trying to give Kamui his space in this situation as he pulled up the covers over his shoulders.
Mmn... this wasn't as comfortable as he thought it would be: with the distance between them, it still felt like he was alone. Had to fix that, though, as much as he was embarrassed to... so he scooted back a little, just enough that they would touch just slightly. "Sorry, but I..." he mumbled, thankful it was dark so the red on his face wasn't visible.
His back tensed a little, and he was sure he was blushing too. He drew in a breath and relaxed, shutting his eyes. "It's okay," he replied, twisting himself a little so he could glance over his shoulder to Kamui.
"Still, I... can I tell you a secret?" Or not so secret, at least to those who were around him enough. "I don't like being alone, and... I know it's pathetic at my age, but..." Eh, embarrassing. At least he didn't have to look at Subaru, keeping his back to him, curling up into himself a little. "Sorry, I'll just go to sleep."
Subaru made a confirming noise and moved himself a little more to glance at Kamui better. "It's okay to not want to be alone. I don't like it either. When I thought I was stuck alone here, before I knew Seishirou-san had come too, I think I was scared even..." he replied, turning himself away again.
I was alone for a long time," he said quietly, sadly, not sure why the hell he was still talking. "For so long, it was just my mother and I. I had no friends, and we didn't have any other family..." At least as far as he'd known at that point. "You would think I would be used to it, but..." Then he had met the Monous, only to be ripped away from them again a few years later.
Carefully, he reached back, gently touching one of Subaru's hands, "I'm sorry you were scared here..."
Subaru listened intently to the short story. He frowned a little. He'd never been alone. He'd had his grandmother and his sister, friends they shared, people from school. He couldn't imagine being so young and so lonely. He sighed and bowed his head a little. "That must have been so hard for you..."
He shook his head and smiled a little, even if Kamui couldn't see it. "I'm alright now... so it's okay."
"You wouldn't have been alone," he whispered shyly, withdrawing his hand, "even if he wasn't here. I... I would have taken care of you." He hoped his devotion wasn't scaring Subaru, considering they'd just truly met. It was just... Kamui was so loyal to his time's Subaru, even after everything, and he couldn't help but transfer it onto this younger one. Especially since he was so sweet and kind to him.
Subaru lay more on his side, covering his mouth with a thoughtfully curled hand. "Really?... Even though I'm not the same as I will be?" He asked quietly, in disbelief. Didn't he say earlier about him hurting the other? He swallowed a little.
"You're much happier this way, so... I would have tried to keep that up." Once again, thank god for it being dark. "At least as best I could, even though I'm not so great with that stuff. Or protecting people, or anything, really."
Subaru rolled so he lay on his back, now glancing to the back of the other's head with a thoughtful glance. "I... I think you do better than you give yourself credit for..."
Kamui had been, up until this point, laying on the side of his broken hand, and it was starting to get to him. Thus, he rolled over to face the other, head ducked on his pillow in an almost bashful manner. "Not really. I haven't been able to do anything right in my life." And that was the hard truth, as far as he was concerned.
Subaru smiled a little, adjusting himself so he could pat Kamui on the head. "I'm sure you have... you were just dealt a difficult fate... you didn't deserve it but fate is blind to what's just."
He was so kind to him... perhaps even more so than his own time's Subaru. "I... maybe." Unconsciously, he snuggled a little closer, happy to feel his warmth. Subaru could push him away, of course, but at least he was momentarily slightly more content.
Subaru turned a shade of pink and made sure his eyes were averted, whether Kamui could actually see them or not, he didn't really pay attention to. "Maybe?" he asked quietly, glancing over again, finally.
"Maybe I do deserve my hard fate, though. Maybe I did something wrong, or was too selfish, or too stupid, and..." He was depressing himself again, curling up, thinking maybe he should just go to sleep. "Everyone who deals with me is hurt. It's like they're being punished for being involved with me at all, or I'm being punished for letting them get close. Maybe I was supposed to remain alone for ever, and... this is what I get for going against that."
Subaru shook his head. "Fate is dealt from birth... it doesn't depend on what you do or how you are... you're not at fault for this," he reassured, finally turning over to lay a hand more easily on Kamui's shoulder. "No one should be alone..."
"But..." Fate being given at birth, there was little he could do about that. Still, he couldn't help but think maybe he had done something wrong. "But I had two possible fates, they said. I chose one, and everything shattered." Even though it probably would have anyway. "I just... I think maybe I am supposed to be alone. Everyone will either turn against me or die. That's how it's worked so far." No matter what he did.
Subaru shook his head. "It can't.. all turn out bad, right? There wouldn't be a balance... and no matter what, some things were bound to happen... I wish I knew the answers for you but... maybe things like this place will alter the course you believed things would take?" he replied, patting the other's shoulder gently.
"I don't know. Fuuma is the same. He's not trying to kill me right now, but he's still an asshole to me. All he does is tease and torture me..." He sighed sadly. "I doubt that will change. I have nothing to look forward to, even in this world." Not to mention he'd already gotten hurt twice, and he hadn't even been in this place a month yet. "Sorry. Do you want me to shut up?" He was, after all, keeping the other awake.
Subaru sighed, frowning a little. "I guess it doesn't mean the people will change but..." he trailed off, he couldn't help but try to look for a bright side. He didn't want Kamui to give up, he hated it when people gave up. He drew in a breath and shook his head. "No, you have a lot on your mind, it's okay," he said with a little smile.
"I know, but... I'm sure your sleep is more important. Besides, these are my problems, not yours." It was just natural to share all his thoughts with Subaru, even if it wasn't the exact same one he'd been close to. "I shouldn't bother you..." Oh, no, it wasn't obvious at ALL how he didn't value himself, or really care what happened to him. To be expected, really, from someone who had wanted to die.
Subaru frowned a little, sighing, not knowing what to do. "I really don't mind but...Alright ... if you have a nightmare... don't hesitate to wake me up. It's alright," he insisted, feeling lightly for the other's good hand and holding it lightly, sharing a little smile before he let his eyes closed, nestling into the pillow.
The mussy-haired boy blushed lightly when he felt Subaru take his hand, smiling softly as soon as the surprise wore off. This Subaru was just so sweet; he couldn't get over it. "O-okay..." He too tried to snuggle down, closing his eyes, definitely not pulling his hand from the other's grasp. Soon, he drifted off.
The peacefulness of sleep was short-lived, however, Kamui starting to whimper loudly as his entire body quaked. He was dreaming, of times past, holding Kotori as Fuuma hugged him from behind, the three of them so happy together... at least before Fuuma started to dig his nails into Kamui's neck, purring and licking at the blood he was drawing, reaching out to slowly choke Kotori, blood seeping from places it shouldn't, and there was nothing the screaming Kamui could do. Nothing but cry in his sleep, shaking harder now as tears ran down his cheeks.
Subaru wasn't the heaviest sleeper, though Hokuto was insistent that he had tobe more careful lest 'someone take advantage of him as he slept', but something like Kamui's shaking and the sounds he made woke him, looking over with worry as he sat up quick.
"Kamui?" he said in a frantic tone, holding the other's shoulder and shaking him. "Kamui," he hissed again, "Wake up, wake up, Kamui"
That was enough to wake him up, but not entirely, eyes wide as he gasped and cried out. He ripped away from Subaru, clawing at his own arm as he did, still shaking hard, almost as if he was trying to get the blood off. At the worst of his half-wakefulness, he almost fell off the bed, finally calming down a bit after that, at least enough to recognize his bedmate. "Subaru..." he whimpered out, curling himself into a ball and crying. Why? Why did he have to relive these things over and over?
Admittedly, he was taken back as he witnessed the other tear away, pausing a beat as he saw him rip at himself. Quick to act, he reached over and tried desperately to try and stop his hands from hurting himself. He didn't mind if he wound up clawed as well, so long as the other didn't damage his hand further. "Kamui, calm down, please," he plead, hoping the other would hear him, quite nervous.
He pulled back a little as the other recoiled and muttered his name. "It's okay..." he said softly, very carefully and slowly, taking the other by the upper half of his body and pulling him over into a gentle embrace. "It's okay... calm down..."
Kamui was very disconnected at the moment, not responding to the fact Subaru was holding him. Normally, he would have relaxed into it, returning the embrace, but right now, he couldn't. "It was my fault. She died because of me. It was my fault," he chanted, eyes wide and glossed over, body stiff. Waking him up mid-dream was never good. It was best to let him get through it so he could naturally wake up, covered in swear, but at least all-there. "This is all my fault."
Subaru swallowed, he wanted the other to calm down. He held him a little closer and rocked them both in a gentle motion. "Shh... calm down.. Kamui... wake up, please?" he replied, trying to stay calm so the other might relax.
And then he cracked, letting out a wail before he finally clung onto the other, burrowing into his shoulder. "Sorry... I..." He hadn't meant to bother or scare Subaru. Not at all. "If I'd been able to do something... she was..." And now he really was crying, feeling horribly weak at the moment. And pathetic; surely Subaru would see him badly now.
Subaru held him gently, rubbing his back with gentle up and down strokes of his knuckles. "Shh..." he said quietly, "It's alright now... it's okay, it was just a dream..."
"No, no it wasn't..." It was closer to reality, to memory, than anything else. "All because of me..." He pulled back slightly, just enough to look Subaru in the eye, his own watery, even though he was trying to stop his crying. "I'm sorry... you shouldn't... have to deal with this..." Especially in the middle of the night.
Subaru shook his head gently. "No... it's not your fault, it's okay... I don't mind, Kamui," he said, not minding that the other woke him. He'd said he could if he needed to. "Just breathe... shh..." he insisted again, wiping the tears from Kamui's face with gentle brushes on his thumb.
Funny how those gentle touches and gentle words really did make him feel calmer, eyes closing as he burrowed back into the other's shoulder. He wasn't crying now, but he was still holding onto Subaru, not wanting to be rid of that comfort. "You're too kind... to me..."
Subaru shook his head, gently stroking Kamui's hair. "Not at all... what kind of friend would I be if I wasn't there when you needed me?" he replied, warmth in his voice, keeping his other arm around Kamui's back.
That... probably wasn't the best thing to say, Kamui pulling back, looking a little stung. "You..." What kind of friend, indeed. But... no... he needed to stop thinking of his own time's Subaru. "I... I'm sorry..." This one shouldn't be punished for betrayals he hadn't even committed yet, after all. "I shouldn't... you're not him yet..." He shook his head, instantly snuggling back against the other, curling back into that warm comfort.
Subaru tried not to question the other, swallowing his queries down and sighing softly. "It's okay," he said, keeping his questions stomached as he pulled the other close again and held him gently.
The warmth was starting to lull him back into sleep, feeling so protected and cared for at the moment. "Mn..." he whimpered as he took a deep breath and relaxed, eyes closing. He was so obviously about to go to sleep right here, in Subaru's arms.
Subaru was glad to feel him relax and calm down completely. He didn't mind holding him until he slept, it was okay, it wouldn't hurt anyone. It'd just be helping Kamui. He smiled and rest his head against Kamui's hair and shut his own eyes, waiting for the other to show apparent signs of sleep again,
This felt so good, Kamui sighing contently before he started to give back into sleep. He nuzzled into Subaru unconsciously, body relaxing entirely as his breathing started to even out. Deep and slow, proof that Kamui had finally fallen back asleep.
Subaru laid both himself and Kamui down slowly, smiling in a gentle way and comforted in holding Kamui, somehow. He stayed close, though moved one arm off for his own comfort, and nestled back into the pillow. Kamui probably wouldn't let go any time soon, and he seemed asleep, but he opted to stay awake and watch him a while just in case.
+ Where: The park, then Kamui's house.
+ Who: Shirou Kamui (notagirldamnit) & Sumeragi Subaru (unluckyclanhead)
+ Summary: Subaru finds angsting Kamui in the park. Drama, and then slight-soul-losing ensue. All topped off, oddly enough, by fluff.
He'd woken early this morning. He could barely remember falling asleep. He'd even woken up with tears on his face, and he couldn't remember why really. He needed some air, clear out his confusion. It felt like he'd lost a day.
The park was a nice place to go for this. To get a better look at the place, take it in better. "It's.. not so bad here... if not a bit eerie..." he said quietly to himself, hands behind his back.
This wasn't fair: Kamui had figured out his wish, and yet... apparently that had solved nothing. He'd really thought, perhaps naively, that things would get better; that Fuuma would be kinder to him, but none of that was happening. Fuuma was happy he'd figured out his wish, yes, but now apparently he wanted him to figure out more, and he just... couldn't do it. This would never end, it seemed, and he was just so tired.
And then there was the added problem of Subaru being here, but not the version he knew. No, this was the younger one, and it seemed that he was doomed to watch this one be destroyed as his own was. He'd told himself a million times that he wished he could have taken away Subaru's pain -had been able to stop it- but... he just couldn't. He was too late. He was always too late. All he could do now was curl up in the park, under a tree, trying not to cry.
Subaru hadn't really expected anyone else to be here. Though, the presence of someone was apparent. He followed it, out of a curiosity he felt a little bad about, but he did think company would be nice.
He frowned, though, at what he found. Kamui, wasn't it? This person curled up within himself. He sighed, drew in a breath, and approached. "Hello?... Are you alright?"
The small body jumped, Kamui only looking up to see who it was, and instantly feeling worse. Figures. Figures the one he was failing would show up now. He probably didn't even remember all he had told him at this point. That bastard would do as he pleased, and Kamui couldn't stop it, short of killing him.
"I'm fine..." he cracked out, curling back into himself, a little tighter now.
Subaru smiled kindly and knelt down, "No... you aren't. I don't want to pry, but would it help if you had someone to talk to?" he asked, trying to give a sunny disposition. Though, he was worried, the recoiling he did wasn't good.
"No," he said almost curtly, not meaning to be rude to Subaru, but... what else could he do? "Nothing will help me. I'm beyond help." He'd had enough of people trying to help, only to suddenly die or turn against him in the end.
Subaru blinked, but he was used to that, and still smiled. "That's not true," he said, sitting down now. "Anyone can be helped if they allow it."
"That's not true. There are some who are hopeless." Like himself. And god, how he hated the emotions he was feeling right now. He wanted to save Subaru, but at the same time he was angry at him: he had called him a liar when he was trying to help, and not to mention he'd still had his heart ripped out by the older one of this boy who had turned against him. He hurt. And this world, and the people here, seemed to be intent on reminding him of that.
Subaru sighed quietly and sat back some. "I'm sorry, then... I mean... for bothering you..." he said quietly. He felt like he should leave, but something left him hesitant. He was lingering, looking somewhere else. "I'm sure if my sister were here, she could help. Hokuto-chan is very good at helping people, better than I am..." he added, a little quieter.
Way to make him feel more upset and guilty there, Subaru. Not that the other knew what he was doing, but... still. "Shut up," he whispered, voice cracking as he was trying to hold back tears again. Subaru was so kind and innocent, but Kamui knew that would be broken, no matter how much he wanted it not to be. "You'll get used... to not having her around..."
Subaru looked taken back now, glancing to Kamui with a hurt expression. "I wouldn't ever get used to that," he said quietly. "I-I'm sorry if I've been rude... intruding.. I.. I mean..." he said, afraid he'd hurt this person. He didn't like to hurt others.
"This isn't fair!" he suddenly cried out. Damn it, Subaru was so sweet... he didn't deserve the future in store for him. Not that Kamui hadn't always thought that, but now it was just being thrown in his face. He hated this. "There's nothing I can do..." He couldn't look at him; not at the beautiful, bright green eyes that his own Subaru lacked.
His small body jumped in surprise. "What?" he asked, quietly, sitting back in a stagnant position. He sighed. "Nevermind.... I won't pry anymore, I promise," he said, forcing a smile that his eyes betrayed and sighing again. He didn't know what to do right now, not at all. Someone so hurt... he couldn't possibly help them, could he?
: Kamui glanced up at the other boy, eyes watering, as much as he hated that fact. He looked so weak, he knew, but... then again, he was, wasn't he? With everything, he was starting to feel like he was again. "You don't remember, do you. He took your memory." His face was once again buried into his knees, "Of course he did."
Subaru sighed softly as he looked to Kamui's face. "I'm sorry I can't help... but would a shoulder to cry on be sufficient?" he said kindly, putting his smile back on. He looked confused as the other mentioned his memories. "Hm?"
"Having a shoulder to cry on will only make it worse." Or so it seemed. And he knew that he was surely confusing the other, considering he knew Sakurazuka HAD to have suppressed his memory. "Nevermind. I can't do anything. Forget it, forget me... it doesn't matter. And I don't want to hurt you again." He cared for him, of course; even though it wasn't EXACTLY the same Subaru he knew, he still cared for him very much.
"Oh... okay..." Subaru said, frowning, as he'd actually hoped the offer would be a help. He shook his head at the request and smiled. "I'm not the type of person that can just forget his friends.. I'm sorry," he said, bowing his head a little. "Don't worry, I'm not hurt."
Friends? But they barely knew each other. Part of Kamui wanted to think that maybe the two of them had a natural draw and connection, but that thought wasn't helping at all. All it did was make him cry harder, slim body shaking a little. He wasn't sure of all he was feeling: love, maybe? And mourning. Subaru might as well be gone, just like the Fuuma he was so close to was.
Subaru frowned and finally opted to place a hand on Kamui's shoulder lightly and rub it gently. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make it worse.. and make you cry more.... is it really better if I leave?... I... I'll go if it is..." he said, though he sounded a little hurt by it all, he tried to mask it the best he could. It really got to him when people cried because of him.
"I doesn't matter. You'll be taken away, anyway," his voice was barely above a cracking whisper. "You'll be gone." Because he knew his future, and because Subaru would never be... "And there is nothing I can do. Ever."
Subaru finally moves beside him, wrapping his arms around the other and pulling him into a hug. "I'm not going anywhere. Hokuto-chan would get really mad if something happened to me. You don't have to worry," he sighed quietly, keeping the hold loose in case Kamui wanted to push him off. He just couldn't stand seeing anyone so sad.
Damn it. DAMN IT. Subaru was hugging him, and all Kamui could seem to do was lean into it, suddenly clinging to the other boy. It was... a natural reaction, maybe: him and his own time's Subaru had been very tactile with other, after all. "You don't know... I do... you don't because he wiped your memory."
Subaru didn't mind that he was being clung to and rubbed his back in a comforting way. "I'm not sure who you're talking about, but I'm fine... it'll be okay. I don't like people to worry about me, really," he said, laughing a little, "Even if I do wind up worrying my friends at home, I mean, but still..."
Frustrating. This was getting frustrating, as it had been the other day when they'd spoken, but... "You don't understand." He broke away from the embrace, standing and leaning against the tree, head down-turned and arms hugging himself. "You don't know what you're heading for. He's going to practically kill you, and you won't even do anything, and..." He looked up, noticing this tree had candy growing from the branches. Candy. Maybe that would make him feel better...
Subaru let him go and looked up at him, crossing his arms over his chest and smiling less, looking worried again. "People try to kill me all the time... I guess I'm used to it by now. It's just a part of my job sometimes, I guess," he replied, sighing a little, looking away and not noticing him grabbing for the candy.
Kamui picked a good looking piece of candy, popping it into his mouth. Yes, it would make him feel better; surely sugar would. And for a moment he did feel more content, but then, after he had chewed it and it was gone...
"Ah..." he clutched at his shirt, over his chest. Oh god, it was starting to hurt... "It..." And it was getting progressively worse, Kamui looking to Subaru, eyes sharp with pain before he doubled over and collapsed, panting hard. It felt like... someone ripping something from him. It hurt so bad, but it wasn't done yet...
Subaru was surely thrown into a panic as he saw Kamui look to him with those eyes then fall. He took Kamui and moved his top-half into his lap. That wasn't right, what had happened? He took his hand and tried to rub his back to sooth him. "Squeeze my hand when it hurts, okay?" he said, trying to sound in control of the situation as he attempted to concentrate. Maybe, he thought, he should check if it was a spiritual force.
"I'll break i..." He clenched his teeth, shaking and trying not to scream. He didn't squeeze Subaru's hand as instructed though: he wasn't about to hurt him like that. Kamui was far stronger than he looked. "Make it stop..." he whimpered, then arched a little, finally letting out a wail as the pain started to peak.
Subaru shook his head. "D-Don't worry about it... I... I can't tell what's wrong, I'm sorry... I-I haven't seen something like this before," he said, holding the other teenager carefully and still rubbing his back. He knew he had to stay calm, but without means to quell the pain, he didn't know what could be done about it.
That was it, a hard shake and a twist of a fist in Subaru's shirt, and Kamui suddenly became limp, finally passing out. It wasn't the pain that had done it, no, he'd experienced that enough in the last year, but... when a little part of one's soul was being ripped out...
Subaru swallowed. Okay, he had to do something. His house was too far to carry him, though he'd walked here, he'd planned on a long walk. He felt bad about it, but he rummaged into Kamui's wallet for some way to know where his home was. Besides that it was far, he couldn't just bring someone into Seishirou's home. He sighed in relief. That street was nearby. He thought over a sufficient way to carry Kamui, shifting him so he could hold his arms over his shoulders and let him rest his weight on his back. It'd be a long walk, though, this was certain.
He managed to make it there, only nearly dropping Kamui twice, and fumbled with the door awkwardly with one hand holding Kamui's hands together, glad to see it unlocked. He didn't want to go through getting into even more of Kamui's possessions. He pulled him to the couch and with a relieved huff, lay him down.
When Kamui finally woke up, a few hours later, he sat up with a gasp, eyes wide with panic. At first, he didn't know where he was, and that scared him witless, but he did finally recognize the place as his own home.
"Mmm..." he laid back down, head aching, and he felt so... cold. Chilled to the core, despite it being warm outside, and despite being clothed. His small body shivered hard, curling into itself as if seeking warmth that way.
Subaru heard stirring from the couch, he was half asleep in a chair away from the couch. A cup of tea, possibly cold by now, set in front of Kamui and a bowl of soup. He'd thrown a blanket from upstairs over the other, and had got a lighter one for himself.
"You're up?... Are you alright?" he said quietly, sitting upright in the chair and looking over.
"I... I don't know..." his voice was shakey, and he was still shivering hard, despite the blanket. "Did I die?" Odd question, but this kind of felt like death? Or what he thought a brush with death might be like. "How did I get home?"
"No, you didn't di... I don't know what happened," Subaru replied as he yawned and rubbed his eye. He stood and walked over, feeling the cup of soup and the cup of tea. "I'll heat them in a minute," he muttered, sighing, "I brought you here."
"Don't bother with the soup..." he murmured to Subaru promising to heat up the liquids up, once again not meaning to be rude, but accidentally coming off that way. He tended to do that a lot. "My stomach doesn't feel so good." The tea might warm him up, though.
And then it hit him that Subaru had said he'd brought him home, his hand instantly flying to the other's sleeve to cling to it, looking at him with oddly submissive eyes. "You brought me home? Why? You could have just left me..." Would have been easier? "I'm sorry I caused you trouble." Figured he would.
Subaru looked down, shoulders hunching. He was really watching everything he did now. He didn't want to upset Kamui again. "Okay... just the tea then," he said softly, not able to look at the other teenager.
He pat Kamui's hand with reassurance. "I couldn't leave you there. Why would I do that to you?" he said, looking kind, "No trouble, it's not your fault."
"You..." It hurt to hear him say he wouldn't leave him like that: his own Subaru had, after all. Kamui thought he wouldn't, but he had. "Nevermind."
He tried to prop himself up, only to be reminded of his own once-again broken hand, the one now braced and bandaged up. "Ah!" he winced, instantly taking his weight off it.
Subaru looked a little confused for a moment, but shook it off and took the tea into the other room to microwave. He set it in, pressed a time, and hurried out when he heard the cry.
"Are you alright? You should stay still, your hand was broken, right? And besides... your body's probably sore from whatever happened," he said, gently laying his hands on Kamui's shoulders and pushing down a little to try and coax him to lay again.
"Yeah, but..." He laid down as the other seemed to want him to, staring at the back of the couch. "I shouldn't have anyone take care of me. I need to get used to..." Being alone. Or so it seemed, considering that since Fuuma's talk with him, he definitely felt that way. He missed his other Seals too, but he should have known they would be separated. This seemed to be a trend for him, really.
Subaru shook his head, fixing the blanket back over Kamui again. "It's okay to have people take care of you. Even though I'm one tot talk, it's still not a bad thing." He heard the microwave beep that it was ready. Stepping away, he took out the tea and brought it back to set on the coffee table again. "At least it's warm now."
"Not for me, that's not true." His voice was quiet, a little distant. "People, they... ones who get involved with me either hurt me, or they leave, or... something happens." Maybe he was bad luck? "So I shouldn't rely on anyone anymore. I should have stayed away last time." Even though he knew damned well it would mean becoming the Chi no Ryuu Kamui, but at least Fuuma wouldn't have... changed so.
Subaru pat Kamui's shoulder. "It's not you. It may seem like it is, but one person can't cause others to befall something just by being there," he laughed a little, "Besides, I usually bring my own troubles to myself, it wouldn't be your fault," he added with a little shrug of his shoulders. "It's alright to let other people in."
"You... you don't understand..." Of course he couldn't. "I made a choice... one that effected the entire world, and I fucked it up because I'm an idiot." He covered his face with his hands, not wanting to look at Subaru and see his reaction. "Because of me, millions died... and it was all because I had a selfish wish that I didn't even know then, and... I hurt the ones I love most, too. One died because I couldn't do anything, and then the other... he's just a mean bastard who plays with me and hurts me, and... I'm sorry." Ranting like this wasn't his original idea, really.
Subaru took one of the hands from Kamui's face, holding it to his chest securely. "Did you do it on purpose? Did you bear intent to hurt them?" he said quietly, "If you didn't mean it, it's still a mistake, no matter how big. Mistakes can be fixed, right? Your name is Kamui... and you're of my world... but you say it's the future... are you one of the twin stars?" he said, just as quiet and soft. "If so... then it was just destiny. It would happen no matter what choice was made, right?"
At least Seishirou hadn't blocked all of his memory, and... well, he didn't know Subaru had been told about 1999 at such a young age. Maybe he had been raised knowing his role, just as it seemed everyone else was. "I... I am one of them. But destiny... I don't know. I thought I was supposed to die. It was my wish... to die for my twinstar, so all of this..." But then again, Fuuma would have done the same for him, so maybe the future he knew of was an inevitability after all. "I thought that by finding my wish, he would change. I thought we could be friends again, but... I should have known better...."
Subaru smiled a little and held the other's hand a little more securely. "Your true wish comes from your heart, so it isn't selfish. Your friend wouldn't want to be the one hurting you, either. And if he's changed to betray you, would you really want it so you were deliberately hurting the ones you love, too? The situation... it wouldn't be well either way, but still... it was your choice, from your heart, so it isn't wrong."
"Subaru..." This was familiar: the hand holding, Kamui being stuck laying down, talking about wishes...
"But I've given up on my wish, and I don't know what to do anymore. I have nothing left. No hopes, no nothing. I don't want to die anymore, but at the same time... I have no reason to live."
"You have reason to live, you just can't see it," he replied, "You mentioned your loved ones, back home. They're your reason to live, aren't they? Because you care about them," he pointed out, smiling a little. "You have to believe that... in the end it will be okay. Even if it seems bleak now."
"Fuuma is the only reason I'm alive, and that's only because his wish conflicts with mine. Everyone else is dead, or might be soon..." The slim boy closed his eyes, thick lashed brought out by his pale cheeks. "Trying to think things will be okay... will only make the truth hurt more. I doubt I'll ever feel happiness again, especially now that I know Fuuma hasn't changed back..."
Subaru sighed and frowned delicately, holding the hand lightly. "I’m so sorry... that fate has dealt you such a difficult hand. I wish I could ease it... but the way you look at me tells me I can only make it worse. I wish I could help you more," he swallowed, and put a false, well-trained smile on as he reached for the tea. "H-Here, I'll help you drink this... it'll help."
Kamui obediently drank what was offered, feeling worse and worse as the conversation went. Finally, he decide to be a little braver, kinder, and took Subaru's hands, holding them carefully as if the other would break if he squeezed too hard. "The you I know... he left me. He abandoned me. That's why I look at you that way. It still hurts." The look he gave the other was very sincere, his eyes giving away emotions even when he didn't mean them to. "I don't mean to make you feel bad, and I know that... you aren't him yet, but still... I'm afraid of you hurting me. Again."
Subaru let his hand be taken, frowning more. "I... I apologize.. for him. I don't know how I could abandon someone.. who needs me but... I apologize," he said softly, not able to look at him upon learning this. "I wouldn't hurt you... I promise, as your friend, I won't hurt you. Not so long as I can help it."
"But you can't help it..." Kamui said sadly, eyes downcast. As long as Subaru was connected to Seishirou so strongly, nothing would change, as much as he wanted it to. There was nothing he could do, or so Fuuma reminded him. "Because he is more important."
Subaru looked confused. "Who is?" he asked, squeezing Kamui's hand ever so lightly. "I just wish there was something I could do...." he said again, lookign down again and going quiet, hidden under the shadow of the rim of his hat.
At least he hadn't realized his own feelings yet. Maybe there could be some hope, after all. Or not, considering that Kamui's hopes were always dashed. Still, the other was just so sweet and kind that Kamui... found himself getting attached already, despite not wanting that to happen. He wanted him to stay. He wanted...
"Subaru..." he looked away shyly, and suddenly he was blushing. "Can I hug you?"
Subaru blinked, lifting his head to look over a little. He couldn't say no, not after all this. He swallowed and nodded. "Yeah," he said, moving so he sat on the edge of the couch, not wanting Kamui trying to get up.
Kamui felt bad suddenly, reaching for Subaru but pausing. "You don't really look like you want to..." he said softly, nervous. He usually wasn't one to initiate physical contact, so it was a little awkward for him, and even though he'd become comfortable with his Subaru... this was different. "Maybe I shouldn't..."
Subaru smiled again and shook his head. "I just have a lot on my mind now. I'm fine with it," he replied. He was having a hard time with his smile... knowing how much he would change, that he would start hurting his friends. It didn't sit so well in his stomach.
"I'm sorry..." the slightly-smaller boy said softly, deciding that apologizing made for a perfect hug opportunity. At least in that situation, it wouldn't be as awkward? At least it didn't seem that way as Kamui pulled the other to him gently, touch feather light, showing his nervousness and fear of harming the other.
Subaru leaned lightly into the hug, holding the other back in a firmer manner, if for anything, to keep him up easier and help him. He shook his head. "It's okay," he replied quietly, rubbing the other's back a little.
Kamui liked the way this Subaru hugged, just strong enough to be comfortable, and he felt... warm. Even his time's Subaru hadn't felt quite as warm when he hugged him. "You're comfortable," he found himself mumbling, finally relaxing into it, a bit tired and dazed. For all his earlier resistance, he'd already given in.
Subaru smiled kindly and let him lean more against him, feeling him relax. "Am I really? Hokuto-chan always says I'm boney," he replied,shrugging his shoulders a little.
"You're warm," Kamui insisted, entirely relaxed, hands gripping the back of Subaru's shirt. Sure, he noticed Subaru was a bit thin, but his older self was too, and... it wasn't like Kamui could talk either, what with his petite frame and all. "The you I know wasn't this warm." And he really needed to stop talking about this, before Subaru thought he was a freak or something?
Subaru relaxed against him some, finally, feeling a little reluctant to let go. This person needed something like this. Simple acts of affection were something to be done. At least the other sounded better now, too."Hm.. I-I guess so."
It was Kamui who finally pulled back, blushing hard. "I... I'm sorry..." Maybe that had been too awkward. Or so he thought, since he wasn't used to hugging or touching others in a situation like this. "I held on too long, didn't I? I don't want you to think I'm weird or anything." Obviously fairly inept in social situations, yes... weird, no.
Subaru let him go, a little rosy, smiling in a gentle way. "It's alright," he reassured, patting Kamui's shoulder. He shook his head in a silent way to insist that he didn't think Kamui was weird at all. He seemed like someone lonely, that was all.
"You're so kind..." Subaru actually earned a brief smile from the other boy, it quickly disappearing as Kamui remembered how the Onmyouji's kindness hurt him in the end. "That's..." Violet eyes met green, Kamui's expression sincere once again; worry and innocence showing through as well, "Please, I don't want that to hurt you like it has in my time. I don't want you to break..."
Subaru shook his head again, dismissing it. "I can't help how I am. I know it will hurt me someday, whether I know how or not, but... I can't help how I am," he said quietly, hand remaining gently settled on Kamui's shoulder.
"But... if you just stay away from people who would hurt you..." His voice was pained, pleading. Subaru was just so sweet and innocent at this point; Kamui would do anything to make sure he stayed this way. "I want to help you..." Like he could.
Subaru ruffled Kamui's hair lightly, eyes halfway hidden beneath the rim of his hat now. "I know you do.. I know.. just..." he sighed and swallowed a little. "If I break... can I count on you to be there? I mean, I know that's a lot to ask... but..."
"If..." when, "you do..." It was sad to think about, images of his own time's Subaru after Seishirou's death coming to mind. "Of course you can count on me, Subaru. I'll always be here for you, no matter what." Once again, he took one of Subaru's hands, craddling it. "I promise."
Subaru looked relieved as he cupped his hand a little around the one cradling it. "I'll count on it, then," he said softly, "Thank you," he replied, smiling more warmly and looking a little more relaxed.
Slowly, ever so slowly, Kamui smiled a little at Subaru in turn, at least somewhat pleased by their conversation. Not to mention that the other didn't seem to be afraid of being affectionate with him, despite them not knowing each other all that well. Maybe there was something to that natural connection theory after all.
"U-um..." he crunched up a little, shyly, "W-would it be too much for me to ask you to, I don't know, stay tonight or something?" He was, after all, still a little sick feeling, and he didn't want Subaru to leave just yet. "I mean, you don't have to, but..."
Subaru nodded a little. "I'll stay, I don't want you to be alone after that," he replied, feeling a little wary of not only Kamui's physical health, but mental health as well. He bit his lip a little. "Seishirou-san will worry but... he'll understand."
He'll be pissed, Kamui mused, but decided it best to keep that to himself. Even if it was the obvious truth. "Thank you, Subaru," he said softly, smiling much more surely this time, something rare, but he really did feel somewhat content at the moment. He was being taken care of, and Subaru was here with him and away from Seishirou. He couldn't ask for more. "None of the stuff in the spare bedrooms is set up, so you can have my room. I'll sleep here?" Logical.
"You're welcome," he said, a little cheeriness to his voice. Though, when the other mentioned sleeping down here, he instantly shook his head in refusal. "You're hurt, the couch will make it worse, don't worry about me, I'll be fine."
"I don't want you sleeping on the couch," the slightly smaller boy said firmly, obviously fully prepared to argue this. "I'm the one keeping you here, anyway, so you at least get the bed."
Subaru shook his head again. "No, it's okay," he insisted with a little smile, waving his hands dismissively. "I don't sleep much anyway, and you're injured, really."
Oh hell no. "You, bed. Me, couch. Got it?" He pouted, absolutely set on getting his way. Kamui was rather stubborn, after all. "And I don't get a lot of sleep, either. So it won't matter much to me." Nightmares and all, which plagued him, even though it had been almost a year since Kotori and his family had all died horrifically.
Subaru frowned and sighed. "I really can't, Kamui," he said calmly, folding his hand in his lap. "It isn't right for me to," he added, knowing he could not accept these terms with a clear conscience.
"Then we share the bed?" That made him blush a little, even though it wasn't as if he'd never shared a bed with anyone before. It was just... this was Subaru, the younger Subaru, who didn't know him well, and it felt awkward for him to even be suggesting it. It did seem like the most practical deal, though; even though this had to be one of the first times Kamui was ever practical. "Or we can argue about this all night..."
Subaru turned pink at the suggestion, but swallowed and nodded a little. "So long as it keeps you from sleeping on the couch, I'm fine with it," he replied.
Kamui nodded, "Agreed." This wouldn't be so bad. The bed was big, so it wasn't as if they had to touch or anything. Even if Kamui, himself, would like that, but Subaru... not so much, he was sure. "Maybe I won't have nightmares..." he mumbled to himself, even though he doubted it.
"Hm? Did you.. uh.. s-say something?" he said, a little withdrawn right now as he heard the other mutter something. He'd shared a bed, though unbeknownst to him, before. Still, he was a little shy about it.
"N-nothing important..." he could practically feel the other's discomfort, it rubbing off on him a little, as well. "I... I just have nightmares a lot, and... sometimes I think sleeping with someone else would help, but..." Blush. "Well, I mean, it worked when I was a kid. Kind of stupid to think it would work now, I guess..."
Subaru smiled a little and nodded some. "Well, I mean... I hope it does help that I'm there," he replied, turning a little pink and fiddling with the hem of his gloves. He knew that when he was small, if Hokuto shared his bed, he slept much sounder. He wasn't sure if it was the same for non-twins, though.
"I... I guess we'll see..." Kamui couldn't look into Subaru's eyes, instead focusing on trying to get up. He felt a little weak, tired, and sick... but he was sure he could at least get to bed. "I think we should go sleep now? It's early," 10pm was at least early for him, "but maybe that would be good for us or something..." Like that made sense.
Subaru nodded, but was making sure to stand first. "Let me help you, at least, alright?" he insisted calmly, still looking warmly to the other. He couldn't let him hurt himself further by walking on his own.
Kamui pouted a little, not quite wanting for Subaru to have to fuss over him, but knowing he probably would need the help. Unfortunately. "Don't worry about it too much. You already carried me back here, and I don't want to strain you too much." He managed to stand, but was definitely a little wobbly.
Subaru didn't take 'no' for an answer in these matters. He placed a hand around Kamui's waist on the side of his good hand and pulled the arm over his shoulder. "Just let me help.. please?"
Kamui blushed a little, for the hundredth time it seemed, when he felt Subaru holding onto his waist. "O-okay... but..." At least it would be easier to get to bed like this? As embarrassing as it was, "but I owe you."
tried not to mind the blush, so he didn't turn red himself, and started walking, though he was letting the other lead. He hadn't bothered to explore and find the bedroom, because he believed it would be rude. He smiled a little. "It's nothing, really. Just helping a friend."
"I'll.... I'll make you dinner sometime. Once I'm well enough. Okay?" he said softly as he led the way, finally reaching his bedroom with a sigh of relief. Luckily, the bed was near the door, so he merely pulled away from Subaru, plopping himself on the bed. Changing? Wasn't a priority. He could sleep like this.
With a little sigh, he submitted and smiled. "Alright then," he said, just as quiet, keeping his eyes ahead. He let the other down, walking to the opposite side, taking off his hat and setting it on the nightstand. He looked to Kamui with a little shyness. "Is it okay if I borrow some sleeping clothes? These... aren't the most comfortable to sleep in." Ah, if there wasn't anything to keep him tied to his sister, it was the haunting of her wardrobe choices appearing in his set of clothes for this place.
"Of course," Kamui nodded, undoing the fly of his own pants and working them off. Eh, boxers and a t-shirt were good enough he decided, once he realized the jeans might get twisted and uncomfortable. "Just grab whatever you think might be comfortable. I don't mind." A small smile, trying to make Subaru a bit more comfortable, even if he was a bit oddly nervous himself.
Subaru was relieved at this, moving to the drawers and rummaging in a tidy way. He picked out a t-shirt and a pair of pajama bottoms , bundled them in his arms, and left the room momentarily to go change. He wasn't so comfortable with his thin figure to bare it to anyone, really. He got bad enough reactions from Hokuto.
Pulling back the covers on both sides of his bed, he snuggled into it, waiting for Subaru to change. Odd how he felt a bit disappointed that the other had opted to go elsewhere to change. Oh well, he'd get over it.
Subaru came back as quickly as he could, dressed with a new roll of clothing balled up in his arms. He placed them in the hamper and walked over to the bed after shutting off any lights so neither would have to rise again. He lay down on his side, facing away, trying to give Kamui his space in this situation as he pulled up the covers over his shoulders.
Mmn... this wasn't as comfortable as he thought it would be: with the distance between them, it still felt like he was alone. Had to fix that, though, as much as he was embarrassed to... so he scooted back a little, just enough that they would touch just slightly. "Sorry, but I..." he mumbled, thankful it was dark so the red on his face wasn't visible.
His back tensed a little, and he was sure he was blushing too. He drew in a breath and relaxed, shutting his eyes. "It's okay," he replied, twisting himself a little so he could glance over his shoulder to Kamui.
"Still, I... can I tell you a secret?" Or not so secret, at least to those who were around him enough. "I don't like being alone, and... I know it's pathetic at my age, but..." Eh, embarrassing. At least he didn't have to look at Subaru, keeping his back to him, curling up into himself a little. "Sorry, I'll just go to sleep."
Subaru made a confirming noise and moved himself a little more to glance at Kamui better. "It's okay to not want to be alone. I don't like it either. When I thought I was stuck alone here, before I knew Seishirou-san had come too, I think I was scared even..." he replied, turning himself away again.
I was alone for a long time," he said quietly, sadly, not sure why the hell he was still talking. "For so long, it was just my mother and I. I had no friends, and we didn't have any other family..." At least as far as he'd known at that point. "You would think I would be used to it, but..." Then he had met the Monous, only to be ripped away from them again a few years later.
Carefully, he reached back, gently touching one of Subaru's hands, "I'm sorry you were scared here..."
Subaru listened intently to the short story. He frowned a little. He'd never been alone. He'd had his grandmother and his sister, friends they shared, people from school. He couldn't imagine being so young and so lonely. He sighed and bowed his head a little. "That must have been so hard for you..."
He shook his head and smiled a little, even if Kamui couldn't see it. "I'm alright now... so it's okay."
"You wouldn't have been alone," he whispered shyly, withdrawing his hand, "even if he wasn't here. I... I would have taken care of you." He hoped his devotion wasn't scaring Subaru, considering they'd just truly met. It was just... Kamui was so loyal to his time's Subaru, even after everything, and he couldn't help but transfer it onto this younger one. Especially since he was so sweet and kind to him.
Subaru lay more on his side, covering his mouth with a thoughtfully curled hand. "Really?... Even though I'm not the same as I will be?" He asked quietly, in disbelief. Didn't he say earlier about him hurting the other? He swallowed a little.
"You're much happier this way, so... I would have tried to keep that up." Once again, thank god for it being dark. "At least as best I could, even though I'm not so great with that stuff. Or protecting people, or anything, really."
Subaru rolled so he lay on his back, now glancing to the back of the other's head with a thoughtful glance. "I... I think you do better than you give yourself credit for..."
Kamui had been, up until this point, laying on the side of his broken hand, and it was starting to get to him. Thus, he rolled over to face the other, head ducked on his pillow in an almost bashful manner. "Not really. I haven't been able to do anything right in my life." And that was the hard truth, as far as he was concerned.
Subaru smiled a little, adjusting himself so he could pat Kamui on the head. "I'm sure you have... you were just dealt a difficult fate... you didn't deserve it but fate is blind to what's just."
He was so kind to him... perhaps even more so than his own time's Subaru. "I... maybe." Unconsciously, he snuggled a little closer, happy to feel his warmth. Subaru could push him away, of course, but at least he was momentarily slightly more content.
Subaru turned a shade of pink and made sure his eyes were averted, whether Kamui could actually see them or not, he didn't really pay attention to. "Maybe?" he asked quietly, glancing over again, finally.
"Maybe I do deserve my hard fate, though. Maybe I did something wrong, or was too selfish, or too stupid, and..." He was depressing himself again, curling up, thinking maybe he should just go to sleep. "Everyone who deals with me is hurt. It's like they're being punished for being involved with me at all, or I'm being punished for letting them get close. Maybe I was supposed to remain alone for ever, and... this is what I get for going against that."
Subaru shook his head. "Fate is dealt from birth... it doesn't depend on what you do or how you are... you're not at fault for this," he reassured, finally turning over to lay a hand more easily on Kamui's shoulder. "No one should be alone..."
"But..." Fate being given at birth, there was little he could do about that. Still, he couldn't help but think maybe he had done something wrong. "But I had two possible fates, they said. I chose one, and everything shattered." Even though it probably would have anyway. "I just... I think maybe I am supposed to be alone. Everyone will either turn against me or die. That's how it's worked so far." No matter what he did.
Subaru shook his head. "It can't.. all turn out bad, right? There wouldn't be a balance... and no matter what, some things were bound to happen... I wish I knew the answers for you but... maybe things like this place will alter the course you believed things would take?" he replied, patting the other's shoulder gently.
"I don't know. Fuuma is the same. He's not trying to kill me right now, but he's still an asshole to me. All he does is tease and torture me..." He sighed sadly. "I doubt that will change. I have nothing to look forward to, even in this world." Not to mention he'd already gotten hurt twice, and he hadn't even been in this place a month yet. "Sorry. Do you want me to shut up?" He was, after all, keeping the other awake.
Subaru sighed, frowning a little. "I guess it doesn't mean the people will change but..." he trailed off, he couldn't help but try to look for a bright side. He didn't want Kamui to give up, he hated it when people gave up. He drew in a breath and shook his head. "No, you have a lot on your mind, it's okay," he said with a little smile.
"I know, but... I'm sure your sleep is more important. Besides, these are my problems, not yours." It was just natural to share all his thoughts with Subaru, even if it wasn't the exact same one he'd been close to. "I shouldn't bother you..." Oh, no, it wasn't obvious at ALL how he didn't value himself, or really care what happened to him. To be expected, really, from someone who had wanted to die.
Subaru frowned a little, sighing, not knowing what to do. "I really don't mind but...Alright ... if you have a nightmare... don't hesitate to wake me up. It's alright," he insisted, feeling lightly for the other's good hand and holding it lightly, sharing a little smile before he let his eyes closed, nestling into the pillow.
The mussy-haired boy blushed lightly when he felt Subaru take his hand, smiling softly as soon as the surprise wore off. This Subaru was just so sweet; he couldn't get over it. "O-okay..." He too tried to snuggle down, closing his eyes, definitely not pulling his hand from the other's grasp. Soon, he drifted off.
The peacefulness of sleep was short-lived, however, Kamui starting to whimper loudly as his entire body quaked. He was dreaming, of times past, holding Kotori as Fuuma hugged him from behind, the three of them so happy together... at least before Fuuma started to dig his nails into Kamui's neck, purring and licking at the blood he was drawing, reaching out to slowly choke Kotori, blood seeping from places it shouldn't, and there was nothing the screaming Kamui could do. Nothing but cry in his sleep, shaking harder now as tears ran down his cheeks.
Subaru wasn't the heaviest sleeper, though Hokuto was insistent that he had tobe more careful lest 'someone take advantage of him as he slept', but something like Kamui's shaking and the sounds he made woke him, looking over with worry as he sat up quick.
"Kamui?" he said in a frantic tone, holding the other's shoulder and shaking him. "Kamui," he hissed again, "Wake up, wake up, Kamui"
That was enough to wake him up, but not entirely, eyes wide as he gasped and cried out. He ripped away from Subaru, clawing at his own arm as he did, still shaking hard, almost as if he was trying to get the blood off. At the worst of his half-wakefulness, he almost fell off the bed, finally calming down a bit after that, at least enough to recognize his bedmate. "Subaru..." he whimpered out, curling himself into a ball and crying. Why? Why did he have to relive these things over and over?
Admittedly, he was taken back as he witnessed the other tear away, pausing a beat as he saw him rip at himself. Quick to act, he reached over and tried desperately to try and stop his hands from hurting himself. He didn't mind if he wound up clawed as well, so long as the other didn't damage his hand further. "Kamui, calm down, please," he plead, hoping the other would hear him, quite nervous.
He pulled back a little as the other recoiled and muttered his name. "It's okay..." he said softly, very carefully and slowly, taking the other by the upper half of his body and pulling him over into a gentle embrace. "It's okay... calm down..."
Kamui was very disconnected at the moment, not responding to the fact Subaru was holding him. Normally, he would have relaxed into it, returning the embrace, but right now, he couldn't. "It was my fault. She died because of me. It was my fault," he chanted, eyes wide and glossed over, body stiff. Waking him up mid-dream was never good. It was best to let him get through it so he could naturally wake up, covered in swear, but at least all-there. "This is all my fault."
Subaru swallowed, he wanted the other to calm down. He held him a little closer and rocked them both in a gentle motion. "Shh... calm down.. Kamui... wake up, please?" he replied, trying to stay calm so the other might relax.
And then he cracked, letting out a wail before he finally clung onto the other, burrowing into his shoulder. "Sorry... I..." He hadn't meant to bother or scare Subaru. Not at all. "If I'd been able to do something... she was..." And now he really was crying, feeling horribly weak at the moment. And pathetic; surely Subaru would see him badly now.
Subaru held him gently, rubbing his back with gentle up and down strokes of his knuckles. "Shh..." he said quietly, "It's alright now... it's okay, it was just a dream..."
"No, no it wasn't..." It was closer to reality, to memory, than anything else. "All because of me..." He pulled back slightly, just enough to look Subaru in the eye, his own watery, even though he was trying to stop his crying. "I'm sorry... you shouldn't... have to deal with this..." Especially in the middle of the night.
Subaru shook his head gently. "No... it's not your fault, it's okay... I don't mind, Kamui," he said, not minding that the other woke him. He'd said he could if he needed to. "Just breathe... shh..." he insisted again, wiping the tears from Kamui's face with gentle brushes on his thumb.
Funny how those gentle touches and gentle words really did make him feel calmer, eyes closing as he burrowed back into the other's shoulder. He wasn't crying now, but he was still holding onto Subaru, not wanting to be rid of that comfort. "You're too kind... to me..."
Subaru shook his head, gently stroking Kamui's hair. "Not at all... what kind of friend would I be if I wasn't there when you needed me?" he replied, warmth in his voice, keeping his other arm around Kamui's back.
That... probably wasn't the best thing to say, Kamui pulling back, looking a little stung. "You..." What kind of friend, indeed. But... no... he needed to stop thinking of his own time's Subaru. "I... I'm sorry..." This one shouldn't be punished for betrayals he hadn't even committed yet, after all. "I shouldn't... you're not him yet..." He shook his head, instantly snuggling back against the other, curling back into that warm comfort.
Subaru tried not to question the other, swallowing his queries down and sighing softly. "It's okay," he said, keeping his questions stomached as he pulled the other close again and held him gently.
The warmth was starting to lull him back into sleep, feeling so protected and cared for at the moment. "Mn..." he whimpered as he took a deep breath and relaxed, eyes closing. He was so obviously about to go to sleep right here, in Subaru's arms.
Subaru was glad to feel him relax and calm down completely. He didn't mind holding him until he slept, it was okay, it wouldn't hurt anyone. It'd just be helping Kamui. He smiled and rest his head against Kamui's hair and shut his own eyes, waiting for the other to show apparent signs of sleep again,
This felt so good, Kamui sighing contently before he started to give back into sleep. He nuzzled into Subaru unconsciously, body relaxing entirely as his breathing started to even out. Deep and slow, proof that Kamui had finally fallen back asleep.
Subaru laid both himself and Kamui down slowly, smiling in a gentle way and comforted in holding Kamui, somehow. He stayed close, though moved one arm off for his own comfort, and nestled back into the pillow. Kamui probably wouldn't let go any time soon, and he seemed asleep, but he opted to stay awake and watch him a while just in case.