I Saw Her Standing There Chapter 5/?
A/N:
Thanks to jonesingjay for helping me break through the worst writers block I've had in a long time.
Disclaimer: I have no association with The Beatles or their wives, and absolutely no harm is meant. A work of fiction, this.
“Nell, I’m home.” Alice called out, shutting the door. The kitchen was right next to the entrance way, and it was habit for her to automatically duck in and make a cup of tea before going to join Nell in the living room. This time, though, she knew she needed to see her partner first.
She had a confession to make that she wasn’t looking forward to. She never had learned to live for herself and anything that disappointed someone she cared for would eat at her for days. Disappointing Nell though, that was Alice’s absolute nightmare and the hardest to overcome.
Alice hesitated in the archway between the hallway and the living room.
“Yes?” Nell didn’t look up from where she was watching the evening news, or her bowl of cereal.
“I…um…I have to tell you something.”
Nell turned down the T.V. but didn’t turn it off. She put her bowl on the coffee table. She motioned for Alice to sit. “You hover.”
Alice came around and sat down, not entirely near her partner. “Um…I …I know you…” Alice took a deep breath, turning a bit from Nell, and then blurted out her truth in one breath: “I know you wanted to be around for the phone call but I couldn’t stand it, and I called her. I called Maureen. On my break, at work. On the work phone.” Alice sat in silence, preparing for her partner’s anger, the only movement was that of her feet, which she tapped against the floor in a rhythm all her own.
“I said I wanted to be there.” Nell spoke evenly, her tone measured but ice-cold. “Why couldn’t you wait?”
“I …” Alice fumbled over her words, not having an answer. And feeling that she didn’t need one, that Nell had actually overstepped some boundary or other. “Why should I have? Really, tell me, Nell. Why did I need to wait to call an old friend- okay, former lover- who’s in a bad way. I’m your girlfriend, not an employee or something like that. I have free will, and can talk to who I please whenever I please it. Not everything has to be part yours.” No longer nervous, Alice had risen to anger, actually stood up and moved in front of Nell.
“We’re partners, aren’t we? I’d let you be around if I wanted to call an old flame.” Nell stood up.
“We’re partners, yes, but I wouldn’t ask. There are some things that should be yours, and some that should be mine. Your past lovers are your past.Even when their behavior mixes with our present. Mine should be allowed to be mine.” Alice tried to reason, not wanting to get into a full blown argument.
“Look, I have to go to work, supposed to be there early.” Nell shook her head and gathered her bowl up, taking a step toward the kitchen. “We’ll talk about this later.”
“No, we won’t. It’s nothing to talk about. I called my former lover, my first lover, who is in a bad way- she sounded so weak and tired, it was hard- and that’s that. I’ll call her again, you may be around, you may not. But that first call was mine. And when I go visit her in hospital, you won’t come with me. It’s for me and her. That’s all there is about it.” Alice’s voice never rose, her tone was even and there was clear finality in her words.
Nell opened her mouth to speak, but after a few moments, not a word had been uttered. She shook her head, and headed into the kitchen, silently, then there was a rattle of a bowl being placed in the sink, then keys, then a door slammed.
And then it was just Alice and her lonesome. Her hands shook, and she could feel her heart pounding, racing actually. She never stood up to Nell, even when her partner was being exceptionally paranoid and insecure. But something about that talk with Maureen, as brief as it’d been, had given Alice some sense of being able to take control. That way of stating things as if they were already settled, had always worked well for Maureen, and Alice had been reminded of that habit, and something about Nell’s horrid reaction to all of this left Alice very sure that she ought to try it.
Now she wasn’t so sure.
‘What made you think you could do that’ Alice mumbled to her reflection in the mirror of the powder room at her school. It was a week since she’d run off from Sunny Heights, and she was still berating herself for what she’d done, projecting her feelings of disgust with herself -after all, it just wasn’t the thing to kiss other girls. It was, as she’d been taught, horrid and disgusting to think and feel like that- on to others, even and especially her memories of Maureen, thinking the older woman had to absolutely hate her.
It was getting to the point that her school work was starting to suffer. Getting up, coming to classes, then going home to her single bed in her parents’ home, it was all one big blur and often she struggled with the coming to classes part. But if she stayed at home, she knew for certain she’d get questioned mercilessly by her mother- a proper stay at home wife and mother who only left to do the shopping it seemed- about why she was skipping school and what did she expect to make of her life, and everything like that. So she dragged herself to the school, and through her classes, but only barely.
‘You’re failing the next one anyway, there is no point in going. You’ll be repeating it.’ She murmured to herself, and that bug of self-loathing had full reign over her. She retrieved her purse, and walked the exact opposite way, down the long corridor, and took the lift down to the ground floor, then, her exhilaration at having bunked off from school- something she’d never done in her childhood- quickly fading away into more self-loathing, she slowed her pace down and shuffled outside, head down, her feet suddenly fascinating.
She would have continued that way if a voice, one that she wasn’t expecting to hear ever again, called out. “Alice? Alice! Alice stop now!”
She looked up, and there was Maureen, standing before her. The older woman was decked in sunglasses and a large hat, but her mouth was a thin line.
“Look, Maureen, I’m s-so s-sorry for everything I did, I just…I wasn’t…” Alice trailed off. Maureen was looking at her, head tilted, arms crossed, waiting expectantly for whatever explanation. Alice didn’t have one so she just hung her head in shame, and tried to walk past.
Only to be stopped by Maureen, the older woman’s hand on her shoulder.
Alice forced herself to look up as Maureen spoke.
“I’ve checked every secretarial school in the greater London area, just about.” She started out, obviously trying to lighten things, before sighing when Alice didn’t respond “Look, we need to talk. Come with me, I know just the place.” There was something in Maureen’s tone that left little room for debate. Not forceful, but firm. Alice knew if she said no, there wouldn’t be any forcing of an explanation from Maureen, but Alice found she wanted to lay it out, explain to Maureen all that she could - though, she realized that wasn’t a great deal, so much was still a complete mystery even to her- and apologize once again.
“Okay. Yeah.” Alice nodded. “I have to catch a bus back home close to the time I’d leave my classes.”
“Fair enough. Come’ead.” Maureen started down the pavement, her head held high. Alice followed a bit slower, her head still hung somewhat.
A few blocks down, they stopped outside a block of flats. “Montagu square. Where Ritchie and I started our married life.” Maureen explained, gesturing toward the building. “He keeps it on and occasionally he stays here if he’s working late, or we hire it out.” She opened the main door, and Alice followed. They descended a short flight of stairs and Maureen unlocked and opened another door. It wasn’t a large flat, not compared to where the two resided now, but it was stylish enough, with some odd angles. The living room and dining room combined into an ‘L’ shape, Alice noted as she stood in the middle of the room, unsure what to do with herself. Maureen perched herself on the fireplace hearth. Alice followed and sat across from her.
For a long time, neither one said a word, both obviously waiting on the other to speak.
Finally, the silence broke Alice.
“I can’t say how sorry I am enough. Please, Maureen, believe me. I’ll be fine if you wanted to ban me from your fence, I would be. I know you won’t let me back in the house.” Alice barely looked up the whole times she spoke, but when she did, she tried to read the elder woman’s face, only to find it a mystery. Not liking the silence that followed, Alice rambled on. “I just…I acted foolishly, I didn’t mean a thing by it, not really. I’ve just…I’m so lonely, and you see…I think…I think you’re so pretty, and stylish and just wonderful, you really are, and you make me feel like I’m finally someone special. I wasn’t planning on it, something just came over me.” Her lap suddenly was fascinating to her, and Alice’s gaze wouldn’t have left it if not for Maureen’s gentle but firm guiding hand on her chin until they were eye-to-eye again.
“You are special. Everyone is, love.” Maureen smiled a bit. “And thank you for kind words. I try me best to look my best, and it is nice when it’s noticed.” Her smile grew wistful and her eyes were clouded for a second. “But you’re not the only one who is lonely. I’m lonely a lot of the time, unless it’s Stella’s day off . Then I’ve got Zak I can take care of and get lost in.Ritchie…well, you saw. He’s good and kind- when he’s sober-and I love him, but when he’s drunk or in an odd mood or…I don’t know. Just difficult. I don’t know his work life, I’m not allowed to see, but he’s in and out, and sometimes he can get angry.” Maureen blinked rapidly here, but shook her head, a sure sign Alice could read not to ask any further. Not that it mattered because the older womant continued on quickly. “And at times, it’s more about him, assuring him, that he’s worthy of love…” Maureen shook her head. “It’s a lot, I’m sorry, to be the one to share all this about a man I know you idolize. It’s just…I trust you.”
“I won’t tell a soul. No one would believe me at any rate. But I wouldn’t otherwise, I really wouldn’t. And I…admire Ringo as a drummer and The Beatles as a whole, but since seeing him that night, so drunken and getting angry…I just, I don’t know. I didn’t want to come back to Sunny Heights, I didn’t, but I had to see if, y’know, you were okay.” Alice was now looking up of her own accord. Her head was tilted toward Maureen, listening intently as the older woman continued.
“Anyroad, I just, want you to know, I’m lonely too. A great deal of the time. But the thing is, from that first day that I invited you in, I…I wasn’t lonely. I was lonely that week or so you were gone, then when you started becoming a fixture, when you were over, I wasn’t lonely. I love Ritchie. But you bring a different something special to my life.” Maureen’s calm and even expression had fallen and she actually was blushing slightly, though Alice wouldn’t admit to herself until later on that she’d indeed seen what she’d seen.
“Maureen, wh-what…I don’t understand. What are you saying?” Alice thought she knew, but wasn’t about to even think that was a true possibility.
“Exactly what you think. I wish you hadn’t left that day, when you kissed me. I was stunned but after you left, I thought about it. A lot. You’re very pretty, and, I…well, erm…this hard. I would have liked to kiss you back. Properly kiss you.” Maureen came closer to Alice, there on the hearth. She reached out and slipped a strand of the younger woman’s hair behind her ear. “Alice McDougal, would you let me kiss you? Properly?”
Alice nodded. “Yes. Of course.” There was no stutter, no hesitancy. She’d wanted this as much as she’d been repulsed at wanting it.
Slowly, a bit too slowly for Alice’s liking, Maureen came closer, and leaned in, until she was close enough that Alice could feel the other woman’s breath on her face. Soft pale hands caressed her flaming hot cheeks, while Alice rested hers on Maureen’s knees Then, tenderly and gently, but more than friendly, Maureen captured the other woman’s lips in hers. Alice returned the kiss as softly as she could. It was a short kiss, but when they broke apart, there was a smile on both faces.
“I liked that.I want to do this again. We can’t always go here but there is something about you, Alice McDougal, that is awfully special and I’m attracted to it, to you.” Maureen whispered.
“Of- Of course, Maureen. I think you’re special too. I know I’ve said that. But I wanted to say it again. I’d like to feel special and make you feel special.” Alice blushed as she spoke, but there was a confidence in her words.
“You do. Make me feel special. I know you have to leave, you’re classes would be over soon.But we’ll do this again.”
“Yes. Of course. Here, there, wherever. Just so long as we do.” Alice made herself stand up, somehow, her legs were still shaking a bit from the adrenaline pumping through her whole body.
“We will.” Maureen got up, and followed Alice to the door. Just before the younger woman left, they shared one more brief kiss.
Alice walked to the bus stop with her head held higher than it’d been in days.
‘Where’d that confidence go, you?’ Alice whispered to herself as she fixed a solitary dinner. She didn’t bother preparing a plate for Nell to eat later, knowing that when they got into tiffs like they were in, Nell wouldn’t eat anything Alice made. She’d spend limited funds on food out, just to prove whatever point.
Alice sighed and sat down with her pasta, and twirled a bit around her fork. She thought back to that day she’d properly kissed Maureen, and how she’d finally felt like she wasn’t doing anything wrong. The whole time she was with Maureen, Alice had felt confident and kept her head up, just something about Maureen’s incredibly accepting nature.
Alice stole a glance at the clock on the microwave. “Too late to call, I know she needs her sleep.” She told herself, stealing a glance at her work phone that rested on the counter. She glanced again. It was only about half-seven. It was worth a try.
Alice got up and grabbed the phone. She found her recent outgoing calls and dialed the hospital number. She followed the prompts, and got a few rings before a groggy voice answered. “H-Hello.”
“Maureen? It’s Alice again. I know you’re probably trying to sleep, but I just wanted to call and thank you. Once again, you gave me courage to be confident in myself.”
“I didn’t do anything, love, not really. But you’re welcome, of course. You should always be confident in what you want and deserve.” Maureen sounded exhausted still, but sure in her words.
“I haven’t been. I’ll explain tomorrow, I’ll call again around lunch. I know you’re probably absolutely done in. Thank you, for your letter, for reaching out, for making me believe in me again.” Alice stated, stunned at her boldness for the second time that night.
“Until tomorrow, love. Good night.” Before Alice could say more, Maureen hung up on her. But Alice didn’t mind- she’d talked to Cathy, who’d had an aunt going through a bone marrow transplant a year or so prior and explained that exhaustion was the biggest side effect- and she flipped her phone closed, with a small smile and walked out of the kitchen to the living room, secure in herself and her actions, determined to not back down with Nell. No matter what.