the electric shock of the 'positive'

[subtractthezero]

I focus too much on my pain............
I never mentioned how wonderful it was to meet Carol in person....and we hung out....and she introduced me to pretty cool friends...
I can't wait to hang out with her again....she was so understanding when i told her about the random conversation i have with strangers....
hey....i met the band from strangeways...and they gave me their poster...and told me i have a beautiful voice.....

and this weekend i got to do hair...and it made me happy...cause i was in a zone while i was styling...it made me think less about my life....
I took my lil brother brad to his first show...and he had fun...

now the negative....

some strange girls that were hanging out with zach...said, 'i know you...we've met before....do you have any 'coke'...
i walked away....fuck that shit....
am i a friend...or a drug connection?
everyone knows all this dirty shit about me...
and it takes a lot for me to deal with it....
I'm not a bad person...
I'm dirty, infected, and gross....but i can't be that bad....
I wish i could erase the last 4 years of my life....
but wishes only come true in movies.....
i really want to smile like i mean it...
and i want to be 'a real friend'
but i hear the jokes
and i know they were never intended for me...
but since i hold that flag....the black flag....
i remain the target....
jokes, songs, gossip....

I wish i was numb...
I wish i threw away all of my razors...
idiot crazy girl...
kept one..
and it is in her hand