turn off the lights and shut out the world

[subtleresidue]

it was always just the word "should"

I tricked myself into thinking that it was something else,
because I never considered that it could be so simple.

so mother fucking simple.

sometimes we'd have a conversation, and by the end of it, I'd feel awful. like she didn't like me. like it was all a trick.
then I realized it was because of the way she said things
"I feel like I should hang out with you"
instead of
"I want to hang out with you"

I analyzed all those little pieces of her personality
tore her apart until she was just scraps of various people I've known throughout my life
"the way she picks at her food while she's eating is like my mother" 
"the way her voice gets louder when she's making a point she finds especially important is like my sister"

until all I could see when I looked at her were a million reflections of the people I know so well

but then, it finally occurred to me.
it was never her that was the problem;

it was always just the word "should" that was fucking with me.