The impulse was strong, but the connection was weak

[subtleresidue]

what  I should be doing right now
is homework.

I should be reading the twenty pages I need to read for peace studies
writing a one page summary of it

I should be reading the two packets I need to read for women's studies
answering three questions about each

I should be catching up on hebrew, relearning vocabulary I need for the class
learning the new material

I should be getting a head start on my sociology homework
reading four twenty page case studies

this isn't what I'm doing.

what I am doing, is writing in here
making lists, more or less

what I am doing is thinking about all my previous misconceptions
about all my current ones

what I am doing is missing everything I can't have
feeling nostalgic, but happily mediocre

what I am doing is drawing mental pictures
drawing physical ones, too

what I am doing is thinking about you
missing you

what I am doing is obsessing about you
wondering what happened between us

what I am doing is wondering what to get him for his birthday
wondering if this is inappropriate

what I am doing is wondering why you are a completely different person now
only because you no longer have a beard?

what I am doing is cringing in pain
my leg is badly burned

what I am doing is nothing at all about my leg
the pain feels nice compared to the thoughts in my head

what I am doing is translating my emotional pain
into physical pain

what I am doing is being upset
by the past

what I am doing is allowing you to get to me
even though I shouldn't.

what I am doing
is upsetting.