obscenities away from graphicness

[subtleresidue]

for every tear I shed I am tempted to pleasure my amygdala,
my cerebellum,
my pituitary gland.
for every tear I want a release of dopamine
beta-endorphins
oxytocin,
vasopressin.

to cry seven days a week
it's exhausting. it makes my muscles ache
my legs shake
everything trembles with the uncertainty of every hour
every correspondence
every decision, every complication,
every mistake and every aggression,
every sad, pathetic, little frustration
building and building
to create the ultimate hindrance.
I am job building the tower of babel to reach my
fuck-up of a god.
my sadist,
of a god.

can you see it in my cheeks, I wonder?
can you smell it on my person?
see it dilated in my eyes?

they said it was a myth, so I became a legend
what else is there to do

but try, and try again