identity crisis- the drag.
Click to viewstudies on psychology and books always write that the period of adolescence is where one struggles with identity. moving on from that, we enter into a different phase of life, another aspect of our lives take precedence then. entering my 22nd year of existence, i havent quite figured out who i am. and that's normal, right? besides, we're ever-changing creatures, growing every second of our lives. we're all drivers on this never-ending road of constant growth and discovery.
some days i wake all girly and cheery and i want to dress up in flirty skater dresses; be the embodiment of femininity in my full mask of make-up, complete with eye-enlarging coloured contact lenses, double eyelid tapes over my already double-eyelid eyelid creases, and eye makeup that gives the illusion of huge doll-like eyes. my mom once said that she thought my sisters are good at makeup, not so much I. shrugs. if i were any bad, i wouldnt be getting comments from my friends about how huge my eyes look. without all the fluff, im really just a girl youd pass on the streets with her beady little eyes.
other days, i wake and decide that i want to be different today. i want to dress up in quirks like i used to. that was the girl i identified with back in my secondary school days. i wore things that warranted stares from strangers. but i was happy and i felt like that made me stand out. (albeit in a bad way. i see it now. the horror.) i couldnt stand being another girl in the crowd. these clothes now remain in the dark corners of my closet for the most part. i gotta admit- im not getting any younger.
lately, i would wake, engulfed by an invisible cloud of emptiness and lethargy. any effort made to draw my face up like i would on 'cheery girly' days would result in nothing more than a mask plastered on. a mask so thick. yet even then, it wouldnt be enough to hide the ugly within. from foundation to powder to primer to eyeshadow to the expensive strokes of my YSL touche eclat wouldnt save me. one thing ive learnt; we see ourselves through our own eyes and sometimes you just cant trust what you see. on bad days, my makeup may be exactly the same as it always is, but it'd still look like a failed attempt to look good to me. it just isnt enough. ah well. shrug and move on, shrug and move on.
but thats all fine right? being multiple persons, not knowing who i am, what i identify myself to be. my friends cant figure me out and i cant either. but why is there a need to? i am a human being and i am worthy. that's all there is that i need to know to live. this need to be worthy- of what? love? belonging? beauty? pfft.
all this need to put a label, sort sort sort, categorize, rankings, judgements to feel safe, organized, like one's living. this obsession. it's a trap. find yourself not in this blackhole or youd never get out. do not be pulled into this, i say. do not. fight.