You see the night is all I have to make me feel
and sometimes it's like i just want to run away and not look back. for it really would kill me, to look back and see no one behind, chasing after. it's the question of freedom to and freedom from life. which would i choose then?
most days i stare hard at my reflections in the doors of buses, trains, along the sides of escalators, not checking to see if i have a strand of hair out of place, but trying to figure out what people see in me. i cant find anything. i dont see anything. i feel like a waste of space. of course, when people tell me they like my hair, or my height, or, or, or, or something, i smile. it makes me smile, voluntarily. and then the moment passes and all is peace and still, and empty again.
well idk, all these lectures and tutorials are supposed to teach me, to equip me with the knowledge and skills to help but would i have to help myself first then? yet no doctor operates on his own body, no lawyer fights his own case. but some murderers take their own lives. i guess in a way, im no different. i acknowledge facts, i learn but i fail in self-application. but we all know it's a matter of choice dont we? i hate to say this but i think ive chosen to drown in my self-created misery.
and i apologize if this makes you sad, or think im a drama-queen, or if it makes you want to throw your hands up and say 'i give up'. but i cant apologize for letting my thoughts and emotions reign free. i lost my reigns to hold them back you see.