Touch - Chapter 7
Title: Touch
Fandom: Naruto
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: None
Disclaimer: I have no rights to or claims on the Naruto franchise, trademark, copyright, or characters. This is for fun, not profit.
Summary: In the future what's left of humanity sends the Rokudaime Hokage back in time to make some changes. Sadly, they can't send all of her. When a seven-year-old Haruno Sakura decides to take an interest in Hatake Kakashi, the timeline shifts in some... unique... ways.
I am so ready for team selections!
Haruno Sakura beamed at her image in the mirror. A pink-haired girl in a red dress and a pair of green shorts, armed with a full weapons pouch and the pink camera that her parents had given her for her tenth birthday, beamed back at her.
“Sakura! Hurry up! You’re going to be late!” hollered her mother.
“Ready!” Sakura shouted back as she scrambled down the stairs for her breakfast and sandals.
At school Sakura claimed the seat to Sasuke’s left, placing the camera on the wooden tabletop.
“Good morning Sasuke!” she chirped.
Sasuke ignored her since he was apparently very busy staring at nothing.
He’s brooding. Probably on how Itachi graduated so much earlier than he did. Geez. I can’t believe Rokudaime was in love with him last time.
Sakura watched Sasuke stare into space for a few minutes then turned her attention to the other graduates. Since she was generally absent or in trouble during their academy years, most of them ignored her.
She smiled when Shikamaru and Choji drifted in together. Shikamaru looked sleepy and grumpy. Choji had a breakfast burrito in each hand. Sakura waved to the boys. They nodded back and changed directions to settle into the row behind hers. Shikamaru sat behind Sakura while Choji sat behind the empty seat to Sakura’s left.
Kiba burst into the room and threw himself into a seat at the back of the room.
Shortly after that Hinata and Shino slipped into the classroom together. Sakura shifted to catch Hinata’s eye. When the shyer girl looked at her, Sakura beamed. Hinata flushed and looked away. Shino arched an eyebrow at Sakura who smiled back at him. Even after Sakura turned around again, she could feel Shino staring at her back.
When Ino breezed into the room, her eyes quickly found Sakura. Sakura grinned and waved at her. Ino smiled, tightened the red ribbon in her long blond hair, and settled into the seat behind Sasuke and next to Shikamaru.
Sakura twisted around in her seat and propped her forearms on the desk in front of Shikamaru. Shikamaru arched an eyebrow at her but ultimately decided it was too much bother to care. Instead, he leaned forward, folded his arms, and propped his forehead on his forearms.
It was apparently time for his mid-morning nap.
“Good morning Ino-chan!”
“Sneak,” hissed Ino. “There are people that really would’ve appreciated that seat.”
Sakura rolled her eyes then grimaced at Ino.
“Pfft. It’s overrated. He just stares at nothing. And he doesn’t even smell nice. Are you excited?”
Ino gaped. “Y-Yeah. Of course. I mean, who wouldn’t be? We’re real ninja now!”
Sakura’s smile dulled around the edges. “Yeah. There is that.”
“You’re being weirder than usual, Sakura-chan.”
Sakura shrugged. “I’m just nervous, that’s all.”
“Yeah. What if they stick you with real losers?” Ino leaned across the desk to pat Sakura’s hand. “Not that you should worry about that! You can drag anyone uphill!”
Sakura laughed. “I’m going to have a great team no matter what! Believe it!”
Ino grimaced. “Too much time with Naruto, Forehead.”
“You’re just all jaded and stuff! Otherwise, you’d get his catchphrase, Pig! Believe it!”
Ino shot Sakura a scathing look but before she could retort, an orange whirlwind of motion and sound raced into the room. Naruto plopped himself into the seat on Sakura’s left.
“Good morning, Sakura-chan!”
Sakura turned to beam at him. “Good morning, Naruto-kun!”
Naruto flushed scarlet. He turned away, giggling and fiddling with his headband.
Guh! Danger! Danger! Crush alert! Remain calm! Ignore it and it’ll go away!
Sakura ignored the fact that when Kakashi had ignored her crush, it had done absolutely nothing to stop her romantic daydreams over him. Only time - and Tenzo’s very open and intensely gross relationship with Anko - had killed that.
“You’re being creepy, Naruto,” noted Shikamaru without looking up. “And it’s gonna cause trouble. So stop it.”
“Hey! I’m not being troublesome! You’re not even awake! You’re just complaining to complain!”
“Tch. Troublesome. Already.”
Sakura smiled fondly as Naruto bickered with Shikamaru and Ino stared dreamily at Shikamaru’s back. Takara, who was walking down the center aisle, grimaced at Sakura.
Sakura, who felt bad that Takara was probably going to fail the genin candidacy exam this time around, grinned and rolled her eyes at her. Sakura very carefully refused to turn around and track Takara’s progress down the aisle.
Just then Sakura’s name came up in the argument.
“Yeah, well, Sakura-chan loves me in this headgear! She’s all smiles!”
“She’s smiling because she’s sitting next to Sasuke, idiot. It has nothing to do with you.”
“Take that back!”
“Why? It’s the truth.”
“Is not!” Ino denied hotly. On Sakura’s other side, Naruto leapt onto the table that the three of them were sharing. “She’s just an auxiliary member of the Sasuke Fan Club!”
“I made banners. Twice,” Sakura said flatly even as she turned to snatch up her camera. Sometimes, lightening does strike twice! Lucky, lucky, lucky! She ignored the fact that in this case, ‘lightening’ was the result of careful planning and plotting with Takara and Shikamaru. Her voice flat, Sakura added, “You help a friend out and no one ever lets you live it down.”
Naruto was crouched in front of Sasuke. He glared at the uncaring Uchiha from millimeters away.
Sasuke glared back.
They were millimeters apart.
Sakura bit her lip and scrambled for her camera. When sweet, sweet fate in the form of Takara’s elbow slammed into Naruto’s backside, Sakura was perfectly placed to capture the kiss for posterity; and all the spitting, gagging misery that followed in its wake.
There was a spike of killer intent. Naruto stilled. “Danger.”
Slowly he turned to look over her shoulder. Sakura twisted in her seat too.
There was a glowering mob of girls, attempting to kill poor Naruto with their eyes alone. In Ino’s case there was a distinct possibility of it actually happening.
A sense of creeping danger, and slowly rising killer intent, raised the hairs on the back of Sakura’s neck. She turned back to see Sasuke glowering at her.
“Give me that!”
Sakura smiled sweetly. “Not a chance, Sa-su-ke-kun.”
Over Naruto’s shoulder, Sakura could see Takara’s smug grin.
Sasuke’s glare intensified. It was so hot and so indignant that it beat at her side like the rays of a particularly sulky star.
“Now!”
Sakura leaned away from Sasuke and looped her wrist through the camera’s strap. Her smile widened as she echoed a voice from the future-never. “Life would be boring without a little dangerous fun!”
What’s life without a little fun and danger? Konohamaru’s voice, deep and filled with laughter, echoed through her mind. At the time he had been serving an Academy instructor. She had been wearing her official Hokage robes, including that ridiculous hat, and inspecting the graduating class when thirty giggling prepubescent brats had turned into thirty busty, naked, giggling women. Rokudaime Hokage Haruno Sakura had laughed until she cried.
Perverted pranks at the genins’ graduation ceremony - and her vengeance against Konohamaru - became a tradition after that. It persisted even after Konohamaru got assigned elsewhere.
“Settle down and listen up for you team assignments!” roared Iruka-sensei’s voice, rescuing Sakura and Naruto from their classmates’ impending violence.
Naruto slipped back into the seat next to Sakura.
Her hand gripping the back panel of the camera, Sakura put it in her lap for safe keeping.
Team assignments went more or less the way that she remembered them going. Naruto cheered when he was placed on Sakura’s team and despaired when Sasuke was placed on their team. Sakura cheered when Naruto’s name was linked with her and, aware of the glares of every girl in the classroom, laughed when Sasuke’s name was linked with theirs. Sasuke just sighed.
Of course the boys ended the assignments by sniping at each other. The first time around Sakura had only yelled at Naruto for being a brat. This time she snarled at both of them.
“Stop being so rude! Naruto-kun, sit down! Sasuke, stop provoking him!” She smiled sweetly at Iruka-sensei in the stunned silence. No one criticized Uchiha Sasuke. Even Sasuke appeared to be stunned. Shock quickly morphed into outraged seething on the parts of the young kunoichi. “Sorry, sensei. You were saying?”
When Iruka-sensei finished his speech and released them for lunch, Sasuke bolted.
Sakura sighed. She turned to Naruto with a smile. “Just let me go to the restroom and grab my lunch and we can go have a picnic somewhere.”
Naruto beamed. “I’ll be here.”
In the restroom, Sakura took the film out of her camera, popped it in its plastic tube, and stuffed it into the back of her sadly flat training bra. It rested between her scapulae where her long hair would hide its lump from view. Sakura put her camera into her weapons pouch and went to fetch her lunch.
Lunch was fun for Sakura. She shared her bento with a blushing Naruto who lacked a lunch entirely. Naruto boasted about what amazing adventures they were going to have and what an awesome team they would be. Sakura happily listened to Naruto’s prattle.
A world without Naruto-kun’s noisy happiness isn’t the sort of world that I like best.
“So…uh…What do you think of our team?” Naruto finally asked.
His mouth was filled with rice balls so that his cheeks puffed out like a chipmunk’s.
“We’re going to be the best team ever,” Sakura said firmly. “I’ve always wanted to have little brothers.”
Naruto’s face fell. “B-Brothers?”
Sakura bit the inside of her lip to keep herself from smiling as she nodded.
“I’m the oldest so you’ll both have to be my little brothers. And we’ll hang out together and have dinners together and go to festivals together and fight all the time. It’ll be like we’re real siblings.”
He looked away. When Naruto spoke, his voice only wobbled the littlest bit.
“That sounds great, Sakura-chan.”
Sakura flinched but pretended not to notice his distress.
Lunch was quieter after that.
In the distance the bell rang, signaling the end of lunch.
After lunch the other teams left with their teachers. Team Seven, as in Sakura’s memories, was still waiting long after even Iruka-sensei had left to go home. They sat in silence for about five minutes.
It’s not a friendly silence but it isn’t filled with hate or seething madness either… Well, maybe there’s a tinge of madness to it, Sakura decided. But it’s good enough for now.
Then Naruto lost it. He shouted, he blabbed, he paced. Eventually he rigged the chalkboard’s eraser to fall on their teacher’s head. With the ease of practice, Naruto balanced the eraser just so.
Sakura giggled. I can’t wait to see Kakashi’s expression!
Naruto beamed at her.
“That isn’t going to work,” Sasuke deigned to say at last. “Our instructor is an elite jonin.”
Sakura snorted. “No one’s perfect.”
Naruto nodded, his arms crossed over his chest and his expression screwed up into his best Super Serious Look.
“And he’ll totally deserve it! Believe it!”
Sasuke sighed, his expression clearly saying that he was greatly put upon by their utter stupidity.
When the door opened, an eraser plopped onto the top of Kakashi’s head. A cloud of white chalk dust puffed out of the eraser and settled onto Kakashi’s hair, shoulders, and forehead protector.
Oh, man! Team Seven’s gonna be great!
********************
“Oh, man! Team Seven’s gonna be great!”
“I’m glad you’re excited,” Shizune said without looking up from her paperwork. “Have you ever considered using my door? Most people do.”
“Tch. I’d have to get past that creep, old man Yakushi.” Sakura pulled a kunai from her kunai pouch. As she spoke with Shizune, Sakura casually sawed off handfuls of her hair. The long locks of hair were discarded into Shizune’s wastepaper basket. “It’s easier just to use your window.”
“Yakushi-san or Yakushi-sensei, Sakura-kun. Be polite.”
Sakura made an unhappy noise.
Shizune stamped something with a firm thunk then looked up, her mouth open. Her gaze shifted from reproving to horrified dismay.
“What are you doing?”
“I thought it was time for a change. You know, to go with the changes in my life. Plus, it’s easier to kick ass when my hair isn’t flying around. Unless, like, I want it to be long and dangerous and flying around but Jiraya-dono taught me a jutsu to do that.” Sakura shuddered. “Creepiest jutsu ever! It’s like having a nest of sharp, writhing snakes on my head.”
“Your hair looks like a deranged butcher took a carving knife to it!”
“It doesn’t look that bad.” Sakura fingered one of the ragged ends self consciously. “Does it?”
“It does!” Shizune made a twirling gesture with her fingers. Sakura put her kunai away and turned around. “I’ll even up the ends. But you’re going to have to brush up all the hair on my linoleum.”
Smiling, Sakura nodded.
Three minutes later, her hair wetted by Shizune’s careful application of Water Release: Violent Water Wave, Sakura relaxed into the soft snip snip of the scissors and the feel of Shizune’s fingers pressing against her scalp.
“So are they what you expected?”
“Yeah.” Sakura beamed at the soothing blue wall across from her. “Kakashi-sensei was late. No surprises there. And Naruto-kun made a chalkboard eraser fall on his head - Kakashi-sensei’s expression was priceless!”
“A lone eyeball and the skin around it, does not an expression make.”
“It does for Kakashi-sensei.”
Shizune snorted. “Only according to you. The rest of us are pretty sure that his eye is a liar.”
“It is! Except for when it’s not. You’ve got to watch his nose.”
“His nose?” Disbelief lined the edges of Shizune’s voice. “You can’t even see it. It’s under his mask.”
“Its angle is very telling.”
“Mhm. What else happened?”
“Kakashi-sensei sat on the railing around the academy’s roof - which was really brave of him since that railing is really rickety. He could’ve fallen off at any moment!”
“But he didn’t.”
“Well, of course not. He’s Kakashi.”
“Of course.”
“And then we introduced ourselves. Kakashi-sensei said a bunch of things but it all came down to ‘Hello, my name is Hatake Kakashi and I really hate you. See? This is my hateful bitch-face.’”
“Sakura-kun!” There was a sharp tug on the lock of hair Shizune was trimming. “Language!”
“Tsunade-shisho insults people and calls them names all the time!”
“In the first place, Tsunade-sama is a legendary sannin. When you’re a legendary ninja, you can be as crude as you like. And in the second place, I have trouble believing that Kakashi-san has expressions much less entire faces.”
“But Ino-chan calls the other Sasuke fangirls hateful bitches with ugly prune mouths all the time! She’s not a legendary sannin. And Kakashi does too have entire faces to go with his very expressive expressions. You just have to know what you’re looking at.”
“Not in front of her father, she doesn’t. I know that man’s invested in soap. Lots and lots of soap.”
“Well… no. But you aren’t my father.”
“Sakura-kun.”
“Fine. Your soap is nasty. I’m sorry I mentioned Kakashi’s hateful bitch-face.”
Shizune made a frustrated noise.
“Naruto’s still in love with ramen,” Sakura said hastily to change the subject. “And he’s vowed eternal enemity with the three minutes that it takes instant ramen to heat.” Her voice went flate as she added, “He still wants to be Hokage so that people will acknowledge him as being worthwhile.”
“Oh.” The steady snip snip of Shizune’s tiny medical scissors faltered. “I’m sorry, Sakura-chan. But you knew this might happen.”
“He’s just so stupid!” Sakura raged. “He doesn’t really want to be Hokage! He wants to be loved and acknowledged and trusted. He wants to be close to people. A Hokage isn’t close to the people who follow her. A Hokage loves her people but she sends them to get hurt or killed. A Hokage does difficult, awful things so that no one else will have to do them. It’s lonely and cold and it hurts when you’re Hokage. He should just stay Naruto!”
“Well, it’ll be a very long time before he’s even eligible for the hat. You’ll have a lot of time to think it over,” Shizune said practically as she resumed straightening Sakura’s ragged ends. “What about the other boy? Uchiha Sasuke?”
“Oh, Sasuke! He hates a lot of things, likes nothing in particular, and plans to kill a man and keep some poor girl barefoot and pregnant. If Ino-chan actually tries to marry him, I’m gonna kick her ass and drag her to safety.”
“He does realize that Itachi-san didn’t kill his entire clan?”
“He still says that he needs to rebuild his clan. He’s a glass-is-half-empty kind of guy.”
“Uchiha Sasuke sounds unbalanced. Even in a best case scenario, you’re going to end up being his caretakers unless until someone manages to stitch his psyche back together. And keeps it that way. Did he see a psychiatrist or a counselor after Itachi-san…”
“I don’t know.”
Shizune hummed. It was a very disapproving hum. Sakura let it pass, however, since the disapproval in the hum was not directed at her.
“Naruto-kun was freaked. And Kakashi-sensei was all, ‘Yeah, so? Tell me something interesting.’ It almost made me laugh even though I, like, totally know that Sasuke’s really crazy. Or, you know, on the road to it.”
“But you didn’t laugh?” Shizune asked anxiously.
“No. I’m not crazy.”
“Good.”
“Of course Kakashi-sensei did nothing to promote a general feeling that he was sane or rational either with all of his giggling and taunts and predictions of our imminent failure.”
“Oh dear.”
“Yeah. We’re so screwed.”
“I thought you said this team was going to be great.”
“Well, I’m going to turn this sinking ship around so that we’re screwed in the best way. Y’know, after I kick them all into shape.” Sakura scrunched her nose up. “It’ll sort of be like those pornos where some girl in super high heels kicks some slob in the balls a bunch of times while he begs for it.”
“Jiraya-sama lets you watch those?”
In that moment Sakura had absolute faith that Shizune was going to successfully murder a sannin.
She tried not to shiver.
“Of course not. I rent them then leave them playing in strategic locations so that he’ll know what’s coming if he keeps neglecting my training. They make him turn as green as his toads and throw up. He’s always super attentive for ages after that.”
“Oh.”
When either bewilderment or murderous intent was definitely going to be aimed in her general direction, Sakura preferred it to be bewilderment.
“So it’ll be like that but, uh, without the high heels. I’m more of a big black boots with chuncky soles kind of girl. Also, it’d probably take more than a few kicks to the balls to make those guys beg.” Sakura mind zipped back to her earlier irritation. It bled over onto her memories of the pornos in question which led her to wondering, “But maybe if I stomped on a ball with the pointy part of my theoretical high heel and ground down on it and -”
Shizune sighed. It was the aural embodiment of deep remorse.
“It was a mistake to let you spend so much time with Jiraya-sama.”
Sakura’s thoughts were immediately diverted down an entirely different line of contemplation.
“Probably!” She cheerfully agreed. “But it was fun and I learned a lot.”
Shizune snorted.
A companionable silence settled between the two medical ninja.
“D’you want to come to dinner?” Sakura asked suddenly. “You and Genma-san, I mean.”
“Dinner? I’m not sure you could afford to treat us.”
“I wouldn’t be. Momo-neechan is really excited about my graduating. She thinks making genin is like a civilian girl’s coming out party so she’s planning this big team dinner thing.”
“Then it really wouldn’t be appropriate for Genma and me to attend.”
“Well… Not usually. But Tsunade-shisho and Jiraya-dono somehow got themselves invited. And my parents, my sisters, and the Terrible Trio are coming. I think she’s going to invite Tenzo-nii and Ino, Shikamaru, Choji, and their families. And Naruto-kun, Sasuke-kun, and Kakashi-sensei will obviously be there. And Sasuke’s parents might come. And maybe even Inuzuka Kiba and his family - for Naruto. Apparently, Kiba was sorta nice to Naruto at the academy. That’s, like, twenty-five people. And there might be a date for Momo and neighbors and cousins and stuff. She would’ve invited you but Momo-neechan has no idea how to find you.” Sakura brightened and her spine straightened. “It’s going to be a party! You like parties!”
“You just want Genma and me to carry Tsunade-sama and Jiraya-sama home.”
“Pllleeeasssee? I’m pretty sure that the triplets are staying with my family that night.” At Shizune’s silence Sakura wheedled, “There’s free food. And free liquor. And swag.”
“Swag?”
Sakura grinned at the note of ill-concealed interest in Shizune’s voice.
“Momo-neechan’s been working on super secret gift bags. They’re going to be awesome!”
“What’s in them?”
“I don’t know.” Sakura pouted. “She’s hiding them in her office at work.”
Both shinobi conviently overlooked the fact that Sakura could break in, look around, and lock up without Momo ever knowing the difference.
“I can’t miss out on swag,” Shizune said cheerfully. “Especially top secret swag.”
Sakura beamed. “I knew you’d want to come!”
“Mmmhmm. Now stand up straight so I can make this straight and cute.”
Sakura stood up straight.
Neither of them even considered the possibility that Sakura’s team might not pass Kakashi’s test.
Afterwards Sakura went home, laid out her clothes for the next day, and packed her kunai holster and weapons pouch with all the same care as if she had accepted an A-rank mission.
Sakura was on her way to the bathroom when her mother saw Sakura’s shorn hair.
“Sakura!” Her tone was agast. “What happened to your hair?”
Three pairs of little feet thundered up the stairs. Three little faces, all of them topped with bright hair, peeked around the stairwell’s corner.
“I thought it was time for a change.”
“But - But it was so long and thick and lovely!”
Sakura ran her fingers through her new haircut. It barely touched the nape of her neck.
“It was time for a change. Besides, no one’s gonna notice. Well, Naruto will. But Sasuke won’t care and Kakashi won’t notice anything’s different.”
“Forget the ninja! What about boys? Boys like a girl with lovely hair they can touch!”
Sakura grinned. “Good thing I don’t like boys then, isn’t it?”
Her mother’s lovely face went pale. She clutched at her chest.
“Why do you say these things? Are you trying to kill me?”
“Mama -”
A door slammed somewhere downstairs.
“Your cooking is terrible, you won’t sew, and now you have no hair! There’s nothing feminine about you! You’re never going to get married!”
“Who’s never going to get married?” called Momo from downstairs.
“Your sister! Come and see what Sakura’s done to herself!”
There was the light thump thump thump of Momo’s feet on the stairs and then she edged past the kids standing at the top of the stairs.
At the sight of Sakura’s pixie cut hair her eyes widened. Then Momo grinned.
“Nice hair cut. You look all sleek and dangerous. Like a cat.”
Sakura, who had a deep, mad, passionate love of all things feline that extended into the realms of favoritest summons ever, beamed.
“That’s the nicest hair compliment ever! You’re my favorite older sister!”
Momo rolled her eyes. “I’m your only older sister.”
Sakura waved her hand dismissively. “Details! Details!”
“Momo! This is serious!”
“Sakura’s twelve, Mama. She’s much too young to worry about getting married. I’m not even married yet.”
“Yes dear, but you’ve got prospects. You could have any man that you wanted.”
“Lately, I’ve been thinking about just having my children by myself. You know, without letting some man hang about and clutter up my life.”
Sakura was fairly certain that all of the neighbors heard their mother’s anguished scream.
“I can’t - I don’t - You’re dreadful children to tease your mother so. I’m going to go and lie down.”
The two older Haruno girls watched their mother stagger off to her bedroom.
“I was serious,” Sakura said at last.
There was a heavy thump from the eavesdroppers. Sakura shot a disapproving look at the girls. It was one thing to eavesdrop but it was something entirely different to be noisy about it. Fu, at least, had the sense to blush and duck her head with embarrassment. Anzu, the one who had fallen over, was watching her with wide eyes. Umeko had huge eyes and a small hand pressed to her mouth.
“About liking girls?” Fu asked faintly.
“What?” Sakura startled. “No! About the ass kicking.” Half-heard drunken confessions swapped between Jiraya and Tsunade skittered through her mind. Shizune had caught Sakura and pack her off to bed - in another hotel room - just as things were getting really interesting. “Well, I mean, it’s not impossible that there’s some girl out there I’d make an exception for but generally, no. I think I’d like to kiss people like Kakashi-sensei or Tenzo-nii or Genma-san when I grow up.”
“You like Genma-san?” asked Momo. Her nose wrinkled up. "I thought you disliked him. Intensely."
“I’m not admiring his personality. And I said people like him, not him.” At Momo’s wicked smirk, Sakura grumpily added, “Don’t judge me.”
“But you make it so easy.”
Sakura rolled her eyes.
“I was serious too.” Momo said abruptly. “I’m seriously thinking of just having my kids myself. No husband.”
Sakura stared at her sister for a moment. Even she could feel how wide her eyes were.
Momo supported me when no one else saw me as ninja material. How could I not support her in this?
“You’d be a good mother,” Sakura said at last, remembering how good Momo was with Fu and the twins and Sakura herself. The nervous expression melted off of Momo’s face. It was replaced with relief and gratitude. “The best. I mean, you’re the best sister any of us could have. And you’ve got at least four built in babysitters. You wouldn’t need a husband unless you wanted one. And Mama would get used to it eventually. Then she’d dote on your pretty babies shamelessly.”
Momo smiled. “Yeah. That’s what I was thinking too.”
Naruto turned up in time for dinner. As Sakura predicted he noticed her haircut. As her mother predicted he was deeply disappointed by it.
“Oh man, I’m so nervous about tomorrow!” He said as he passed Fu the bowl of mixed vegetables. “We’re stuck with Kakashi-sensei!”
“You’ll both pass,” Momo told Naruto as she passed him the steak plate. “You’d better pass. The graduation party’s shaping up to be the huge!”
Naruto flushed. “I-I don’t - He doesn’t - No one’s ever -”
“We’re so going to pass!” Sakura interrupted. She shot Naruto a stern look. “We’re gonna be the best team since the sannin. Believe it!”
Naruto looked cheered at the abuse of his catchphrase.
He probably still has no idea who the sannin are, Sakura thought fondly as she cut up Umeko’s meat for her. She was sitting beside Sakura. Nearby, their mother was doing the same for Fu while their father did the same for Anzu. Naruto doesn’t pay attention to much outside of training and ramen.
After dinner, while her family was settling down to watch television, Sakura and Naruto excused themselves.
“We’ve got to be up super early tomorrow!” Naruto said. “Otherwise, we’d definitely stay to watch the Adventures of Undercover Squirrel with you.”
“Night everyone!”
There were hugs and kisses and then Naruto headed home to his apartment and Sakura headed up to bed.
An hour and a half later, two giggly little girls noisily snuck into Sakura’s room and cuddled into bed on either side of her. A half-hour after that a third little girl slipped into Sakura’s room on nearly silent feet. Unlike the previous two intruders this on stood next to the door, uncertain.
Without opening her eyes Sakura whispered, “Hurry up and come to bed, Fu-chan.”
The third little girl dove into bed and curled up against Umeko’s back.
Sakura draped an arm across Umeko and Fu. She petted the younger girl’s hair and rubbed her back.
“G’night, Fu.”
“Night, Sakura-neechan.”
Sakura awoke to find her three little sisters sprawled all over her. Umeko was nestled into Sakura’s side, her face pressed into Sakura’s ribs. Anzu, asleep on Sakura’s other side, had one arm and one leg draped over Sakura and as much of Umeko as she could reach. Somehow Fu, the last to come to bed, had ended up with the lion’s share of the bed. She had an arm across Umeko and her hand was fisted into Sakura’s sleep shirt.
Previous experience had taught Sakura that Fu’s grip was tantamount to a death grip.
Sakura groggily wiggled out of her shirt and the tangle of girls then escaped off of the end of her bed.
It’s a matter of solidarity, Sakura told her herself firmly as she threw herself into a warm shower and the clothes that she had laid out. Naruto and Sasuke expect me to be there with them. I can eat breakfast and sleep until Kakashi-sensei shows up.
In the kitchen, she found her older sister putting the finishing touched on three bento boxes. To Sakura’s relief there was not a single ramen noodle to be seen.
“Momo-neechan?”
“Gaah!” Momo startled. She spun around, brandishing the tiny knife she had been carving faces onto the hardboiled eggs with. “Sakura! Someday, I’m going to put a belled collar on you!”
Sakura smiled. “I’m not a cat, Momo-neechan.”
“You’re about as noisy as one,” Momo scolded as she turned back to her work. “Can you wait a few more minutes? I’m nearly finished.”
Sakura blinked. “Are those for me?”
“Mmhmm. I thought you’d like to eat with Naruto-kun. And then I thought that other kid might feel left out so I made a third.” Momo frowned. “Do you think I should make one for Kakashi-san?”
“Nah. He’ll probably have breakfast somewhere else and show up late.”
Momo shook her head. She went back to carving cheerful chicks and broken shells out of the hardboiled eggs.
“That’s a very inconsiderate habit.”
Sakura smiled. “It’s just one of his things.”
Five minutes later, Sakura was on her way with Momo’s wishes for her good luck and her tasty bento boxes in her knapsack. It only had the three bento boxes in it but it was surprisingly heavy.
Excitement tickled through Sakura’s veins, making her smile and bounce as she walked.
Oh, man! This is gonna be so much fun!
********************
“It was so not fun!” Sakura complained to Akimichi Uno several hours later.
The Akimichi in question was dead and on the Memorial Stone so he had nothing to say. But that was okay since Sakura was used to talking to people who failed to add to the conversation.
“And Kakashi - Kakashi-sensei, I mean - was all, ‘I shall beat you down and then shame your lack of teamwork! Shame!’ And that was sort of harsh since I was doing my best. It’s not my fault that my teammates respond best to threats of horrifying violence and public humiliation. I mean, we totally got it together after that. And Kakashi - Kakashi-sensei, I mean - didn’t even hurt me when he was beating me down - like, seriously, Tsunade-shisho and Jiraya-shisho beat on me more during spars. Even Tenzo-nii and Shizune-san hurt me more during practices and they’re, like, the most conscientious and careful jonin I’ve ever met. Ever. Well, ninja dads and moms might be that careful with their own kids but most jonin just aren’t like that with everyone else. And they are.” Sakura paused a moment to think about that. “I guess that makes them kind of extraordinary, right?” Sakura, who was sitting at the base of the Memorial Stone and leaning back against it (despite the disapproving glares it always earned her when someone caught her in the act), nodded sharply. “Right. I mean, they’re obviously extraordinary for other reasons too but that’s just another extraordinarily awesome thing about them to be added to their lists. What? No, I don’t really keep lists. It’s just a saying. I think it’s a saying. Well, some people might but I’ve got better things to keep in a list. Oh! I don't know if you're worrying about this but I'm pretty sure Akimichi Choji's gonna pass. He's your clan's current heir by the way. He's on an InoShikaCho team.”
Sakura had already raced around the village telling her family (Naruto told them too.) and Tenzo (Naruto refused to have anything to do with ‘old Creepy Eyes.’ He went off to find Iruka-sensei.) and Shizune and Jiraya and Tsunade and Ino’s dad (He said that Ino’s team was still off being tested.) and non-existent people from the future-never and random people in the streets. (They were either amused and congratulatory or traumatized and congratulatory. Either way they congratulated her and that was really all Sakura was going for.) She barely restrainted herself from telling everyone that she knew from the academy since she already knew most of them had probably failed.
Tenzo turned up shortly before dinner, armed with empty bento boxes and a sheepish smile.
“Thank you,” Sakura’s mother said as she reached over Sakura’s head to take the boxes from him. She shot Tenzo an odd, piercing look. “Would you like to stay for dinner?”
Tenzo looked surprised but nodded. “Thank you, Haruno-san.”
Sakura’s mother’s gaze slid off of Tenzo and onto Sakura. That odd, piercing look was focused on Sakura now.
“It’s my pleasure.”
At the first opportunity, Tenzo leaned over to whisper to Sakura.
“You’re mom isn’t normally so - er -”
Sakura shrugged. “I have no idea.”
Sakura started to get an idea over dinner.
At one end of the table Anzu, Umeko, and Fu whispered together furiously. Once in awhile they would look at Tenzo, blush, and giggle.
Her mother monopolized Tenzo, asking him pointed, deeply personal questions about his personal habits and love life while Naruto monopolized her father, telling him about their test with Kakashi.
Sakura remembered the test going… differently. In Naruto’s version there were more awesome jutsu on his part and no death threats or blackmail on hers. Sasuke still had that Stick of Superiority up his ass in Naruto’s version so it was a pretty accurate retelling of events in Sakura’s opinon. Plus, her family would be so much better off if they never knew what sort of vicious ninja-type Sakura actually was.
Tenzo looked vaguely alarmed and definitely traumatized. Her dad looked amused and indulgent.
Oh, jeez. Sakura thought. She was deeply tempted to either bang her head on the table or just die on the spot or both. Both could be very good. She’s still worried that I might like girls. And those little spores must’ve told her about the willing-to-kiss-someone-like-Tenzo thing. Poor Tenzo-nii.
Momo patted Sakura’s hand.
“It could be worse,” her sister said with a serene smile.
“How?”
“It coulde be happening to me.”
Sakura smacked her. Subtly.
Momo grinned as she melodramatically rubbed one hand with her other.
“You’d say the same thing if you were in my position.”
Sakura hesitated.
“True,” she admitted. “But I still think that line would be funnier if I was the one saying it.”
Momo’s grin widened. “I like things just fine the way that they are.”
“You would,” Sakura pouted. “I can’t wait until Mama realizes that you were serious.”
Momo paled.
Somehow Momo’s horror made the entire embarrassing evening more bearable.
Fandom: Naruto
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: None
Disclaimer: I have no rights to or claims on the Naruto franchise, trademark, copyright, or characters. This is for fun, not profit.
Summary: In the future what's left of humanity sends the Rokudaime Hokage back in time to make some changes. Sadly, they can't send all of her. When a seven-year-old Haruno Sakura decides to take an interest in Hatake Kakashi, the timeline shifts in some... unique... ways.
I am so ready for team selections!
Haruno Sakura beamed at her image in the mirror. A pink-haired girl in a red dress and a pair of green shorts, armed with a full weapons pouch and the pink camera that her parents had given her for her tenth birthday, beamed back at her.
“Sakura! Hurry up! You’re going to be late!” hollered her mother.
“Ready!” Sakura shouted back as she scrambled down the stairs for her breakfast and sandals.
At school Sakura claimed the seat to Sasuke’s left, placing the camera on the wooden tabletop.
“Good morning Sasuke!” she chirped.
Sasuke ignored her since he was apparently very busy staring at nothing.
He’s brooding. Probably on how Itachi graduated so much earlier than he did. Geez. I can’t believe Rokudaime was in love with him last time.
Sakura watched Sasuke stare into space for a few minutes then turned her attention to the other graduates. Since she was generally absent or in trouble during their academy years, most of them ignored her.
She smiled when Shikamaru and Choji drifted in together. Shikamaru looked sleepy and grumpy. Choji had a breakfast burrito in each hand. Sakura waved to the boys. They nodded back and changed directions to settle into the row behind hers. Shikamaru sat behind Sakura while Choji sat behind the empty seat to Sakura’s left.
Kiba burst into the room and threw himself into a seat at the back of the room.
Shortly after that Hinata and Shino slipped into the classroom together. Sakura shifted to catch Hinata’s eye. When the shyer girl looked at her, Sakura beamed. Hinata flushed and looked away. Shino arched an eyebrow at Sakura who smiled back at him. Even after Sakura turned around again, she could feel Shino staring at her back.
When Ino breezed into the room, her eyes quickly found Sakura. Sakura grinned and waved at her. Ino smiled, tightened the red ribbon in her long blond hair, and settled into the seat behind Sasuke and next to Shikamaru.
Sakura twisted around in her seat and propped her forearms on the desk in front of Shikamaru. Shikamaru arched an eyebrow at her but ultimately decided it was too much bother to care. Instead, he leaned forward, folded his arms, and propped his forehead on his forearms.
It was apparently time for his mid-morning nap.
“Good morning Ino-chan!”
“Sneak,” hissed Ino. “There are people that really would’ve appreciated that seat.”
Sakura rolled her eyes then grimaced at Ino.
“Pfft. It’s overrated. He just stares at nothing. And he doesn’t even smell nice. Are you excited?”
Ino gaped. “Y-Yeah. Of course. I mean, who wouldn’t be? We’re real ninja now!”
Sakura’s smile dulled around the edges. “Yeah. There is that.”
“You’re being weirder than usual, Sakura-chan.”
Sakura shrugged. “I’m just nervous, that’s all.”
“Yeah. What if they stick you with real losers?” Ino leaned across the desk to pat Sakura’s hand. “Not that you should worry about that! You can drag anyone uphill!”
Sakura laughed. “I’m going to have a great team no matter what! Believe it!”
Ino grimaced. “Too much time with Naruto, Forehead.”
“You’re just all jaded and stuff! Otherwise, you’d get his catchphrase, Pig! Believe it!”
Ino shot Sakura a scathing look but before she could retort, an orange whirlwind of motion and sound raced into the room. Naruto plopped himself into the seat on Sakura’s left.
“Good morning, Sakura-chan!”
Sakura turned to beam at him. “Good morning, Naruto-kun!”
Naruto flushed scarlet. He turned away, giggling and fiddling with his headband.
Guh! Danger! Danger! Crush alert! Remain calm! Ignore it and it’ll go away!
Sakura ignored the fact that when Kakashi had ignored her crush, it had done absolutely nothing to stop her romantic daydreams over him. Only time - and Tenzo’s very open and intensely gross relationship with Anko - had killed that.
“You’re being creepy, Naruto,” noted Shikamaru without looking up. “And it’s gonna cause trouble. So stop it.”
“Hey! I’m not being troublesome! You’re not even awake! You’re just complaining to complain!”
“Tch. Troublesome. Already.”
Sakura smiled fondly as Naruto bickered with Shikamaru and Ino stared dreamily at Shikamaru’s back. Takara, who was walking down the center aisle, grimaced at Sakura.
Sakura, who felt bad that Takara was probably going to fail the genin candidacy exam this time around, grinned and rolled her eyes at her. Sakura very carefully refused to turn around and track Takara’s progress down the aisle.
Just then Sakura’s name came up in the argument.
“Yeah, well, Sakura-chan loves me in this headgear! She’s all smiles!”
“She’s smiling because she’s sitting next to Sasuke, idiot. It has nothing to do with you.”
“Take that back!”
“Why? It’s the truth.”
“Is not!” Ino denied hotly. On Sakura’s other side, Naruto leapt onto the table that the three of them were sharing. “She’s just an auxiliary member of the Sasuke Fan Club!”
“I made banners. Twice,” Sakura said flatly even as she turned to snatch up her camera. Sometimes, lightening does strike twice! Lucky, lucky, lucky! She ignored the fact that in this case, ‘lightening’ was the result of careful planning and plotting with Takara and Shikamaru. Her voice flat, Sakura added, “You help a friend out and no one ever lets you live it down.”
Naruto was crouched in front of Sasuke. He glared at the uncaring Uchiha from millimeters away.
Sasuke glared back.
They were millimeters apart.
Sakura bit her lip and scrambled for her camera. When sweet, sweet fate in the form of Takara’s elbow slammed into Naruto’s backside, Sakura was perfectly placed to capture the kiss for posterity; and all the spitting, gagging misery that followed in its wake.
There was a spike of killer intent. Naruto stilled. “Danger.”
Slowly he turned to look over her shoulder. Sakura twisted in her seat too.
There was a glowering mob of girls, attempting to kill poor Naruto with their eyes alone. In Ino’s case there was a distinct possibility of it actually happening.
A sense of creeping danger, and slowly rising killer intent, raised the hairs on the back of Sakura’s neck. She turned back to see Sasuke glowering at her.
“Give me that!”
Sakura smiled sweetly. “Not a chance, Sa-su-ke-kun.”
Over Naruto’s shoulder, Sakura could see Takara’s smug grin.
Sasuke’s glare intensified. It was so hot and so indignant that it beat at her side like the rays of a particularly sulky star.
“Now!”
Sakura leaned away from Sasuke and looped her wrist through the camera’s strap. Her smile widened as she echoed a voice from the future-never. “Life would be boring without a little dangerous fun!”
What’s life without a little fun and danger? Konohamaru’s voice, deep and filled with laughter, echoed through her mind. At the time he had been serving an Academy instructor. She had been wearing her official Hokage robes, including that ridiculous hat, and inspecting the graduating class when thirty giggling prepubescent brats had turned into thirty busty, naked, giggling women. Rokudaime Hokage Haruno Sakura had laughed until she cried.
Perverted pranks at the genins’ graduation ceremony - and her vengeance against Konohamaru - became a tradition after that. It persisted even after Konohamaru got assigned elsewhere.
“Settle down and listen up for you team assignments!” roared Iruka-sensei’s voice, rescuing Sakura and Naruto from their classmates’ impending violence.
Naruto slipped back into the seat next to Sakura.
Her hand gripping the back panel of the camera, Sakura put it in her lap for safe keeping.
Team assignments went more or less the way that she remembered them going. Naruto cheered when he was placed on Sakura’s team and despaired when Sasuke was placed on their team. Sakura cheered when Naruto’s name was linked with her and, aware of the glares of every girl in the classroom, laughed when Sasuke’s name was linked with theirs. Sasuke just sighed.
Of course the boys ended the assignments by sniping at each other. The first time around Sakura had only yelled at Naruto for being a brat. This time she snarled at both of them.
“Stop being so rude! Naruto-kun, sit down! Sasuke, stop provoking him!” She smiled sweetly at Iruka-sensei in the stunned silence. No one criticized Uchiha Sasuke. Even Sasuke appeared to be stunned. Shock quickly morphed into outraged seething on the parts of the young kunoichi. “Sorry, sensei. You were saying?”
When Iruka-sensei finished his speech and released them for lunch, Sasuke bolted.
Sakura sighed. She turned to Naruto with a smile. “Just let me go to the restroom and grab my lunch and we can go have a picnic somewhere.”
Naruto beamed. “I’ll be here.”
In the restroom, Sakura took the film out of her camera, popped it in its plastic tube, and stuffed it into the back of her sadly flat training bra. It rested between her scapulae where her long hair would hide its lump from view. Sakura put her camera into her weapons pouch and went to fetch her lunch.
Lunch was fun for Sakura. She shared her bento with a blushing Naruto who lacked a lunch entirely. Naruto boasted about what amazing adventures they were going to have and what an awesome team they would be. Sakura happily listened to Naruto’s prattle.
A world without Naruto-kun’s noisy happiness isn’t the sort of world that I like best.
“So…uh…What do you think of our team?” Naruto finally asked.
His mouth was filled with rice balls so that his cheeks puffed out like a chipmunk’s.
“We’re going to be the best team ever,” Sakura said firmly. “I’ve always wanted to have little brothers.”
Naruto’s face fell. “B-Brothers?”
Sakura bit the inside of her lip to keep herself from smiling as she nodded.
“I’m the oldest so you’ll both have to be my little brothers. And we’ll hang out together and have dinners together and go to festivals together and fight all the time. It’ll be like we’re real siblings.”
He looked away. When Naruto spoke, his voice only wobbled the littlest bit.
“That sounds great, Sakura-chan.”
Sakura flinched but pretended not to notice his distress.
Lunch was quieter after that.
In the distance the bell rang, signaling the end of lunch.
After lunch the other teams left with their teachers. Team Seven, as in Sakura’s memories, was still waiting long after even Iruka-sensei had left to go home. They sat in silence for about five minutes.
It’s not a friendly silence but it isn’t filled with hate or seething madness either… Well, maybe there’s a tinge of madness to it, Sakura decided. But it’s good enough for now.
Then Naruto lost it. He shouted, he blabbed, he paced. Eventually he rigged the chalkboard’s eraser to fall on their teacher’s head. With the ease of practice, Naruto balanced the eraser just so.
Sakura giggled. I can’t wait to see Kakashi’s expression!
Naruto beamed at her.
“That isn’t going to work,” Sasuke deigned to say at last. “Our instructor is an elite jonin.”
Sakura snorted. “No one’s perfect.”
Naruto nodded, his arms crossed over his chest and his expression screwed up into his best Super Serious Look.
“And he’ll totally deserve it! Believe it!”
Sasuke sighed, his expression clearly saying that he was greatly put upon by their utter stupidity.
When the door opened, an eraser plopped onto the top of Kakashi’s head. A cloud of white chalk dust puffed out of the eraser and settled onto Kakashi’s hair, shoulders, and forehead protector.
Oh, man! Team Seven’s gonna be great!
********************
“Oh, man! Team Seven’s gonna be great!”
“I’m glad you’re excited,” Shizune said without looking up from her paperwork. “Have you ever considered using my door? Most people do.”
“Tch. I’d have to get past that creep, old man Yakushi.” Sakura pulled a kunai from her kunai pouch. As she spoke with Shizune, Sakura casually sawed off handfuls of her hair. The long locks of hair were discarded into Shizune’s wastepaper basket. “It’s easier just to use your window.”
“Yakushi-san or Yakushi-sensei, Sakura-kun. Be polite.”
Sakura made an unhappy noise.
Shizune stamped something with a firm thunk then looked up, her mouth open. Her gaze shifted from reproving to horrified dismay.
“What are you doing?”
“I thought it was time for a change. You know, to go with the changes in my life. Plus, it’s easier to kick ass when my hair isn’t flying around. Unless, like, I want it to be long and dangerous and flying around but Jiraya-dono taught me a jutsu to do that.” Sakura shuddered. “Creepiest jutsu ever! It’s like having a nest of sharp, writhing snakes on my head.”
“Your hair looks like a deranged butcher took a carving knife to it!”
“It doesn’t look that bad.” Sakura fingered one of the ragged ends self consciously. “Does it?”
“It does!” Shizune made a twirling gesture with her fingers. Sakura put her kunai away and turned around. “I’ll even up the ends. But you’re going to have to brush up all the hair on my linoleum.”
Smiling, Sakura nodded.
Three minutes later, her hair wetted by Shizune’s careful application of Water Release: Violent Water Wave, Sakura relaxed into the soft snip snip of the scissors and the feel of Shizune’s fingers pressing against her scalp.
“So are they what you expected?”
“Yeah.” Sakura beamed at the soothing blue wall across from her. “Kakashi-sensei was late. No surprises there. And Naruto-kun made a chalkboard eraser fall on his head - Kakashi-sensei’s expression was priceless!”
“A lone eyeball and the skin around it, does not an expression make.”
“It does for Kakashi-sensei.”
Shizune snorted. “Only according to you. The rest of us are pretty sure that his eye is a liar.”
“It is! Except for when it’s not. You’ve got to watch his nose.”
“His nose?” Disbelief lined the edges of Shizune’s voice. “You can’t even see it. It’s under his mask.”
“Its angle is very telling.”
“Mhm. What else happened?”
“Kakashi-sensei sat on the railing around the academy’s roof - which was really brave of him since that railing is really rickety. He could’ve fallen off at any moment!”
“But he didn’t.”
“Well, of course not. He’s Kakashi.”
“Of course.”
“And then we introduced ourselves. Kakashi-sensei said a bunch of things but it all came down to ‘Hello, my name is Hatake Kakashi and I really hate you. See? This is my hateful bitch-face.’”
“Sakura-kun!” There was a sharp tug on the lock of hair Shizune was trimming. “Language!”
“Tsunade-shisho insults people and calls them names all the time!”
“In the first place, Tsunade-sama is a legendary sannin. When you’re a legendary ninja, you can be as crude as you like. And in the second place, I have trouble believing that Kakashi-san has expressions much less entire faces.”
“But Ino-chan calls the other Sasuke fangirls hateful bitches with ugly prune mouths all the time! She’s not a legendary sannin. And Kakashi does too have entire faces to go with his very expressive expressions. You just have to know what you’re looking at.”
“Not in front of her father, she doesn’t. I know that man’s invested in soap. Lots and lots of soap.”
“Well… no. But you aren’t my father.”
“Sakura-kun.”
“Fine. Your soap is nasty. I’m sorry I mentioned Kakashi’s hateful bitch-face.”
Shizune made a frustrated noise.
“Naruto’s still in love with ramen,” Sakura said hastily to change the subject. “And he’s vowed eternal enemity with the three minutes that it takes instant ramen to heat.” Her voice went flate as she added, “He still wants to be Hokage so that people will acknowledge him as being worthwhile.”
“Oh.” The steady snip snip of Shizune’s tiny medical scissors faltered. “I’m sorry, Sakura-chan. But you knew this might happen.”
“He’s just so stupid!” Sakura raged. “He doesn’t really want to be Hokage! He wants to be loved and acknowledged and trusted. He wants to be close to people. A Hokage isn’t close to the people who follow her. A Hokage loves her people but she sends them to get hurt or killed. A Hokage does difficult, awful things so that no one else will have to do them. It’s lonely and cold and it hurts when you’re Hokage. He should just stay Naruto!”
“Well, it’ll be a very long time before he’s even eligible for the hat. You’ll have a lot of time to think it over,” Shizune said practically as she resumed straightening Sakura’s ragged ends. “What about the other boy? Uchiha Sasuke?”
“Oh, Sasuke! He hates a lot of things, likes nothing in particular, and plans to kill a man and keep some poor girl barefoot and pregnant. If Ino-chan actually tries to marry him, I’m gonna kick her ass and drag her to safety.”
“He does realize that Itachi-san didn’t kill his entire clan?”
“He still says that he needs to rebuild his clan. He’s a glass-is-half-empty kind of guy.”
“Uchiha Sasuke sounds unbalanced. Even in a best case scenario, you’re going to end up being his caretakers unless until someone manages to stitch his psyche back together. And keeps it that way. Did he see a psychiatrist or a counselor after Itachi-san…”
“I don’t know.”
Shizune hummed. It was a very disapproving hum. Sakura let it pass, however, since the disapproval in the hum was not directed at her.
“Naruto-kun was freaked. And Kakashi-sensei was all, ‘Yeah, so? Tell me something interesting.’ It almost made me laugh even though I, like, totally know that Sasuke’s really crazy. Or, you know, on the road to it.”
“But you didn’t laugh?” Shizune asked anxiously.
“No. I’m not crazy.”
“Good.”
“Of course Kakashi-sensei did nothing to promote a general feeling that he was sane or rational either with all of his giggling and taunts and predictions of our imminent failure.”
“Oh dear.”
“Yeah. We’re so screwed.”
“I thought you said this team was going to be great.”
“Well, I’m going to turn this sinking ship around so that we’re screwed in the best way. Y’know, after I kick them all into shape.” Sakura scrunched her nose up. “It’ll sort of be like those pornos where some girl in super high heels kicks some slob in the balls a bunch of times while he begs for it.”
“Jiraya-sama lets you watch those?”
In that moment Sakura had absolute faith that Shizune was going to successfully murder a sannin.
She tried not to shiver.
“Of course not. I rent them then leave them playing in strategic locations so that he’ll know what’s coming if he keeps neglecting my training. They make him turn as green as his toads and throw up. He’s always super attentive for ages after that.”
“Oh.”
When either bewilderment or murderous intent was definitely going to be aimed in her general direction, Sakura preferred it to be bewilderment.
“So it’ll be like that but, uh, without the high heels. I’m more of a big black boots with chuncky soles kind of girl. Also, it’d probably take more than a few kicks to the balls to make those guys beg.” Sakura mind zipped back to her earlier irritation. It bled over onto her memories of the pornos in question which led her to wondering, “But maybe if I stomped on a ball with the pointy part of my theoretical high heel and ground down on it and -”
Shizune sighed. It was the aural embodiment of deep remorse.
“It was a mistake to let you spend so much time with Jiraya-sama.”
Sakura’s thoughts were immediately diverted down an entirely different line of contemplation.
“Probably!” She cheerfully agreed. “But it was fun and I learned a lot.”
Shizune snorted.
A companionable silence settled between the two medical ninja.
“D’you want to come to dinner?” Sakura asked suddenly. “You and Genma-san, I mean.”
“Dinner? I’m not sure you could afford to treat us.”
“I wouldn’t be. Momo-neechan is really excited about my graduating. She thinks making genin is like a civilian girl’s coming out party so she’s planning this big team dinner thing.”
“Then it really wouldn’t be appropriate for Genma and me to attend.”
“Well… Not usually. But Tsunade-shisho and Jiraya-dono somehow got themselves invited. And my parents, my sisters, and the Terrible Trio are coming. I think she’s going to invite Tenzo-nii and Ino, Shikamaru, Choji, and their families. And Naruto-kun, Sasuke-kun, and Kakashi-sensei will obviously be there. And Sasuke’s parents might come. And maybe even Inuzuka Kiba and his family - for Naruto. Apparently, Kiba was sorta nice to Naruto at the academy. That’s, like, twenty-five people. And there might be a date for Momo and neighbors and cousins and stuff. She would’ve invited you but Momo-neechan has no idea how to find you.” Sakura brightened and her spine straightened. “It’s going to be a party! You like parties!”
“You just want Genma and me to carry Tsunade-sama and Jiraya-sama home.”
“Pllleeeasssee? I’m pretty sure that the triplets are staying with my family that night.” At Shizune’s silence Sakura wheedled, “There’s free food. And free liquor. And swag.”
“Swag?”
Sakura grinned at the note of ill-concealed interest in Shizune’s voice.
“Momo-neechan’s been working on super secret gift bags. They’re going to be awesome!”
“What’s in them?”
“I don’t know.” Sakura pouted. “She’s hiding them in her office at work.”
Both shinobi conviently overlooked the fact that Sakura could break in, look around, and lock up without Momo ever knowing the difference.
“I can’t miss out on swag,” Shizune said cheerfully. “Especially top secret swag.”
Sakura beamed. “I knew you’d want to come!”
“Mmmhmm. Now stand up straight so I can make this straight and cute.”
Sakura stood up straight.
Neither of them even considered the possibility that Sakura’s team might not pass Kakashi’s test.
Afterwards Sakura went home, laid out her clothes for the next day, and packed her kunai holster and weapons pouch with all the same care as if she had accepted an A-rank mission.
Sakura was on her way to the bathroom when her mother saw Sakura’s shorn hair.
“Sakura!” Her tone was agast. “What happened to your hair?”
Three pairs of little feet thundered up the stairs. Three little faces, all of them topped with bright hair, peeked around the stairwell’s corner.
“I thought it was time for a change.”
“But - But it was so long and thick and lovely!”
Sakura ran her fingers through her new haircut. It barely touched the nape of her neck.
“It was time for a change. Besides, no one’s gonna notice. Well, Naruto will. But Sasuke won’t care and Kakashi won’t notice anything’s different.”
“Forget the ninja! What about boys? Boys like a girl with lovely hair they can touch!”
Sakura grinned. “Good thing I don’t like boys then, isn’t it?”
Her mother’s lovely face went pale. She clutched at her chest.
“Why do you say these things? Are you trying to kill me?”
“Mama -”
A door slammed somewhere downstairs.
“Your cooking is terrible, you won’t sew, and now you have no hair! There’s nothing feminine about you! You’re never going to get married!”
“Who’s never going to get married?” called Momo from downstairs.
“Your sister! Come and see what Sakura’s done to herself!”
There was the light thump thump thump of Momo’s feet on the stairs and then she edged past the kids standing at the top of the stairs.
At the sight of Sakura’s pixie cut hair her eyes widened. Then Momo grinned.
“Nice hair cut. You look all sleek and dangerous. Like a cat.”
Sakura, who had a deep, mad, passionate love of all things feline that extended into the realms of favoritest summons ever, beamed.
“That’s the nicest hair compliment ever! You’re my favorite older sister!”
Momo rolled her eyes. “I’m your only older sister.”
Sakura waved her hand dismissively. “Details! Details!”
“Momo! This is serious!”
“Sakura’s twelve, Mama. She’s much too young to worry about getting married. I’m not even married yet.”
“Yes dear, but you’ve got prospects. You could have any man that you wanted.”
“Lately, I’ve been thinking about just having my children by myself. You know, without letting some man hang about and clutter up my life.”
Sakura was fairly certain that all of the neighbors heard their mother’s anguished scream.
“I can’t - I don’t - You’re dreadful children to tease your mother so. I’m going to go and lie down.”
The two older Haruno girls watched their mother stagger off to her bedroom.
“I was serious,” Sakura said at last.
There was a heavy thump from the eavesdroppers. Sakura shot a disapproving look at the girls. It was one thing to eavesdrop but it was something entirely different to be noisy about it. Fu, at least, had the sense to blush and duck her head with embarrassment. Anzu, the one who had fallen over, was watching her with wide eyes. Umeko had huge eyes and a small hand pressed to her mouth.
“About liking girls?” Fu asked faintly.
“What?” Sakura startled. “No! About the ass kicking.” Half-heard drunken confessions swapped between Jiraya and Tsunade skittered through her mind. Shizune had caught Sakura and pack her off to bed - in another hotel room - just as things were getting really interesting. “Well, I mean, it’s not impossible that there’s some girl out there I’d make an exception for but generally, no. I think I’d like to kiss people like Kakashi-sensei or Tenzo-nii or Genma-san when I grow up.”
“You like Genma-san?” asked Momo. Her nose wrinkled up. "I thought you disliked him. Intensely."
“I’m not admiring his personality. And I said people like him, not him.” At Momo’s wicked smirk, Sakura grumpily added, “Don’t judge me.”
“But you make it so easy.”
Sakura rolled her eyes.
“I was serious too.” Momo said abruptly. “I’m seriously thinking of just having my kids myself. No husband.”
Sakura stared at her sister for a moment. Even she could feel how wide her eyes were.
Momo supported me when no one else saw me as ninja material. How could I not support her in this?
“You’d be a good mother,” Sakura said at last, remembering how good Momo was with Fu and the twins and Sakura herself. The nervous expression melted off of Momo’s face. It was replaced with relief and gratitude. “The best. I mean, you’re the best sister any of us could have. And you’ve got at least four built in babysitters. You wouldn’t need a husband unless you wanted one. And Mama would get used to it eventually. Then she’d dote on your pretty babies shamelessly.”
Momo smiled. “Yeah. That’s what I was thinking too.”
Naruto turned up in time for dinner. As Sakura predicted he noticed her haircut. As her mother predicted he was deeply disappointed by it.
“Oh man, I’m so nervous about tomorrow!” He said as he passed Fu the bowl of mixed vegetables. “We’re stuck with Kakashi-sensei!”
“You’ll both pass,” Momo told Naruto as she passed him the steak plate. “You’d better pass. The graduation party’s shaping up to be the huge!”
Naruto flushed. “I-I don’t - He doesn’t - No one’s ever -”
“We’re so going to pass!” Sakura interrupted. She shot Naruto a stern look. “We’re gonna be the best team since the sannin. Believe it!”
Naruto looked cheered at the abuse of his catchphrase.
He probably still has no idea who the sannin are, Sakura thought fondly as she cut up Umeko’s meat for her. She was sitting beside Sakura. Nearby, their mother was doing the same for Fu while their father did the same for Anzu. Naruto doesn’t pay attention to much outside of training and ramen.
After dinner, while her family was settling down to watch television, Sakura and Naruto excused themselves.
“We’ve got to be up super early tomorrow!” Naruto said. “Otherwise, we’d definitely stay to watch the Adventures of Undercover Squirrel with you.”
“Night everyone!”
There were hugs and kisses and then Naruto headed home to his apartment and Sakura headed up to bed.
An hour and a half later, two giggly little girls noisily snuck into Sakura’s room and cuddled into bed on either side of her. A half-hour after that a third little girl slipped into Sakura’s room on nearly silent feet. Unlike the previous two intruders this on stood next to the door, uncertain.
Without opening her eyes Sakura whispered, “Hurry up and come to bed, Fu-chan.”
The third little girl dove into bed and curled up against Umeko’s back.
Sakura draped an arm across Umeko and Fu. She petted the younger girl’s hair and rubbed her back.
“G’night, Fu.”
“Night, Sakura-neechan.”
Sakura awoke to find her three little sisters sprawled all over her. Umeko was nestled into Sakura’s side, her face pressed into Sakura’s ribs. Anzu, asleep on Sakura’s other side, had one arm and one leg draped over Sakura and as much of Umeko as she could reach. Somehow Fu, the last to come to bed, had ended up with the lion’s share of the bed. She had an arm across Umeko and her hand was fisted into Sakura’s sleep shirt.
Previous experience had taught Sakura that Fu’s grip was tantamount to a death grip.
Sakura groggily wiggled out of her shirt and the tangle of girls then escaped off of the end of her bed.
It’s a matter of solidarity, Sakura told her herself firmly as she threw herself into a warm shower and the clothes that she had laid out. Naruto and Sasuke expect me to be there with them. I can eat breakfast and sleep until Kakashi-sensei shows up.
In the kitchen, she found her older sister putting the finishing touched on three bento boxes. To Sakura’s relief there was not a single ramen noodle to be seen.
“Momo-neechan?”
“Gaah!” Momo startled. She spun around, brandishing the tiny knife she had been carving faces onto the hardboiled eggs with. “Sakura! Someday, I’m going to put a belled collar on you!”
Sakura smiled. “I’m not a cat, Momo-neechan.”
“You’re about as noisy as one,” Momo scolded as she turned back to her work. “Can you wait a few more minutes? I’m nearly finished.”
Sakura blinked. “Are those for me?”
“Mmhmm. I thought you’d like to eat with Naruto-kun. And then I thought that other kid might feel left out so I made a third.” Momo frowned. “Do you think I should make one for Kakashi-san?”
“Nah. He’ll probably have breakfast somewhere else and show up late.”
Momo shook her head. She went back to carving cheerful chicks and broken shells out of the hardboiled eggs.
“That’s a very inconsiderate habit.”
Sakura smiled. “It’s just one of his things.”
Five minutes later, Sakura was on her way with Momo’s wishes for her good luck and her tasty bento boxes in her knapsack. It only had the three bento boxes in it but it was surprisingly heavy.
Excitement tickled through Sakura’s veins, making her smile and bounce as she walked.
Oh, man! This is gonna be so much fun!
********************
“It was so not fun!” Sakura complained to Akimichi Uno several hours later.
The Akimichi in question was dead and on the Memorial Stone so he had nothing to say. But that was okay since Sakura was used to talking to people who failed to add to the conversation.
“And Kakashi - Kakashi-sensei, I mean - was all, ‘I shall beat you down and then shame your lack of teamwork! Shame!’ And that was sort of harsh since I was doing my best. It’s not my fault that my teammates respond best to threats of horrifying violence and public humiliation. I mean, we totally got it together after that. And Kakashi - Kakashi-sensei, I mean - didn’t even hurt me when he was beating me down - like, seriously, Tsunade-shisho and Jiraya-shisho beat on me more during spars. Even Tenzo-nii and Shizune-san hurt me more during practices and they’re, like, the most conscientious and careful jonin I’ve ever met. Ever. Well, ninja dads and moms might be that careful with their own kids but most jonin just aren’t like that with everyone else. And they are.” Sakura paused a moment to think about that. “I guess that makes them kind of extraordinary, right?” Sakura, who was sitting at the base of the Memorial Stone and leaning back against it (despite the disapproving glares it always earned her when someone caught her in the act), nodded sharply. “Right. I mean, they’re obviously extraordinary for other reasons too but that’s just another extraordinarily awesome thing about them to be added to their lists. What? No, I don’t really keep lists. It’s just a saying. I think it’s a saying. Well, some people might but I’ve got better things to keep in a list. Oh! I don't know if you're worrying about this but I'm pretty sure Akimichi Choji's gonna pass. He's your clan's current heir by the way. He's on an InoShikaCho team.”
Sakura had already raced around the village telling her family (Naruto told them too.) and Tenzo (Naruto refused to have anything to do with ‘old Creepy Eyes.’ He went off to find Iruka-sensei.) and Shizune and Jiraya and Tsunade and Ino’s dad (He said that Ino’s team was still off being tested.) and non-existent people from the future-never and random people in the streets. (They were either amused and congratulatory or traumatized and congratulatory. Either way they congratulated her and that was really all Sakura was going for.) She barely restrainted herself from telling everyone that she knew from the academy since she already knew most of them had probably failed.
Tenzo turned up shortly before dinner, armed with empty bento boxes and a sheepish smile.
“Thank you,” Sakura’s mother said as she reached over Sakura’s head to take the boxes from him. She shot Tenzo an odd, piercing look. “Would you like to stay for dinner?”
Tenzo looked surprised but nodded. “Thank you, Haruno-san.”
Sakura’s mother’s gaze slid off of Tenzo and onto Sakura. That odd, piercing look was focused on Sakura now.
“It’s my pleasure.”
At the first opportunity, Tenzo leaned over to whisper to Sakura.
“You’re mom isn’t normally so - er -”
Sakura shrugged. “I have no idea.”
Sakura started to get an idea over dinner.
At one end of the table Anzu, Umeko, and Fu whispered together furiously. Once in awhile they would look at Tenzo, blush, and giggle.
Her mother monopolized Tenzo, asking him pointed, deeply personal questions about his personal habits and love life while Naruto monopolized her father, telling him about their test with Kakashi.
Sakura remembered the test going… differently. In Naruto’s version there were more awesome jutsu on his part and no death threats or blackmail on hers. Sasuke still had that Stick of Superiority up his ass in Naruto’s version so it was a pretty accurate retelling of events in Sakura’s opinon. Plus, her family would be so much better off if they never knew what sort of vicious ninja-type Sakura actually was.
Tenzo looked vaguely alarmed and definitely traumatized. Her dad looked amused and indulgent.
Oh, jeez. Sakura thought. She was deeply tempted to either bang her head on the table or just die on the spot or both. Both could be very good. She’s still worried that I might like girls. And those little spores must’ve told her about the willing-to-kiss-someone-like-Tenzo thing. Poor Tenzo-nii.
Momo patted Sakura’s hand.
“It could be worse,” her sister said with a serene smile.
“How?”
“It coulde be happening to me.”
Sakura smacked her. Subtly.
Momo grinned as she melodramatically rubbed one hand with her other.
“You’d say the same thing if you were in my position.”
Sakura hesitated.
“True,” she admitted. “But I still think that line would be funnier if I was the one saying it.”
Momo’s grin widened. “I like things just fine the way that they are.”
“You would,” Sakura pouted. “I can’t wait until Mama realizes that you were serious.”
Momo paled.
Somehow Momo’s horror made the entire embarrassing evening more bearable.