Touch - Chapter 5
Title: Touch
Fandom: Naruto
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: None
Disclaimer: I have no rights to or claims on the Naruto franchise, trademark, copyright, or characters. This is for fun, not profit.
Summary: In the future what's left of humanity sends the Rokudaime Hokage back in time to make some changes. Sadly, they can't send all of her. When a seven-year-old Haruno Sakura decides to take an interest in Hatake Kakashi, the timeline shifts in some... unique... ways.
“I’m going to recommend that all three of you be dropped from the program.”
Sakura stared.
Naruto had a screaming fit.
Sasuke whipped out a kunai and charged directly at Kakashi.
Kakashi pinned Sasuke with one hand then sat on him, casually propping one foot up on the Uchiha’s head. The arm that Sakura had kicked hung useless by his side. True, the feeling had returned to his arm well before they reached the clearing but Sakura deserved a lesson in using weird, untested jutsu on unsuspecting comrades.
Also, he liked to mess with her. She just got so wonderfully angry.
After a very inspirational speech on the value of teamwork, helped along by Naruto’s shouts and Sasuke’s wordless little noises, all three of the genin looked a bit rough around the edges. Even Sakura looked cowed.
“Sakura! You knew what needed to be done, but you couldn’t get it done without death threats and blackmail. Successful teams are not founded on such behavior. You helped Naruto but failed to establish yourself as his teammate. You were accurate in your assessment of Sasuke’s willingness to work in a team but you did nothing to try to rectify the matter.”
Sakura flinched. She looked thoroughly guilty.
“Naruto! You rushed headlong into danger and tried to do everything yourself. Even when your teammate was willing to work with you, you failed to recognize her offer for what it was. When Sakura tried to help you, you tried to shove her out of your way. You saw the benefits of a teammate but were utterly incapable of controlling yourself or working within a team.”
Naruto scowled and looked at his feet.
“Sasuke! Your mistake was your arrogance. Your arrogance was such a liability that Sakura even planned around it. She knew that you needed to fail before you would even consider working with her or Naruto as their teammate. No matter how talented you are or how many jutsu you learn, you will always need the people around you, Sasuke.”
Kakashi continued his lesson. Eventually he drew their attention to the Memorial Stone.
“That’s it! That’s it! That’s it! Now I know what I’m going to do! I’ve decided that I’m going to have my name engraved on that stone! I’m not - urk! Ouch! Sakura-chan!”
Sakura’s hand sailed through the air again; backhanding Naruto’s other cheek so that he had matching lurid red handprints on both of his cheeks.
“Ow! Sakura-chan - uk!”
Sakura clamped her hands onto Naruto’s shoulders and shook him.
“Don’t you ever say anything so stupid ever again! Do you hear me? I’ll break both your arms and shatter both your legs and crush all your organs to keep you from doing that! You’re not allowed to ever, ever, ever die and get your name carved onto that stone! And if you do go and die a hero, I’ll use my forbidden jutsu and bring you back so that my ghost can haunt you forever!”
By the time Sakura finished her rant, Naruto looked vaguely traumatized. Sakura slowly forced herself to release her grip on Naruto’s shoulders.
Issues. Lots and lots of issues. Geez. I hope she didn’t get any of them off of me.
“I don’t understand what the big deal is.” Naruto whined. “It’s just a name on a rock.”
“It’s a Memorial Stone. The people named on it are a special kind of hero,” Kakashi said at last. “They were all KIA.”
“Ooohhhhh. KIA? That sounds really cool!”
Sakura literally growled as she lunged at Naruto. Only Kakashi’s timely - or untimely, judging by Sakura’s snarl - intervention saved Naruto from having his limbs shattered and his organs squashed.
It fell to Sasuke - Sasuke! - to be the sane, rational one. “It means killed in action, moron. They all died in combat.”
Naruto stiffened, his face draining of color. He was nearly as pale as Sasuke. Kakashi, deeming Sakura’s mood to be less murderous, released her.
“Which you are never, never allowed to do Naruto-kun.” Sakura snarled, once again looming over the blond idiot in their midst. “Got it?”
Naruto stared up at her with wide, terrified eyes. He nodded frantically.
“Su-Sure, Sakura-chan.” He brightened. “Hey! Hey! This means that you do care about me!”
Sakura groaned. She collapsed in a heap at his feet.
“How do I end up with these people?” she moaned to the sky. “They never get the point!”
“Don’t die because you care about me.” Naruto sniffed. “It’s not that complicated.”
“And?”
Naruto’s face crinkled up in confusion. “There was an ‘and’?”
“And if you die, I’ll bring you back to life using my forbidden jutsu and make you live with the guilt of knowing that I died in your place.”
Kakashi shuddered, his mind filled with the scents of stone and blood, the rasp of Obito’s painful breathing, Rin’s quiet sobs, and his last sight of crushed, blinded Obito.
“Oh. Yeah.” Naruto rubbed one hand against the back of his head. “Eh heh. That.”
“Yeah. That.”
Kakashi cleared his throat. “If you’re all quite done? I’m going to give you one more chance. But it’s going to be much harder on you.”
It was difficult to decide which kid to tie to a post. On the one hand, Naruto was the biggest knucklehead. On the other hand, Sakura was the biggest pain in his ass. On a borrowed third hand, Sasuke had that stick up his ass. Also, he had tried to kill Kakashi.
It had been a pathetic but attempting to murder your superior was the sort of bad habit that needed to be addressed immediately.
In the end, he split the difference and just tied them all to posts, one-handed, and left their lunches on the grass in front of them.
“Whichever two of you get free first can have lunch. Whoever is last won’t get to eat. You can’t help each other escape and you can’t share lunches. In the ninja world, those who break the rules are trash.”
Then Kakashi settled down to spy on them.
Unsurprisingly, Sasuke was the first to get free.
He snatched up a lunch and plopped himself down in the grass. Sasuke quickly and methodically consumed the contents of the bento while Naruto loudly proclaimed that he was fine, thank you very much and Sakura struggled to free herself.
Sasuke consumed precisely two-thirds of his bento’s contents.
With a sigh, he stood and pulled out a kunai.
Sakura and Naruto tumbled onto the grass at more or less the same moment.
She snatched up the untouched bento and started eating.
“Here.” Sasuke held his bento out toward Naruto. “You have the rest.”
“Why?” Naruto asked.
Sasuke’s reasoning - all of it about team efficiency and the team’s strength - made Kakashi smile.
“Okay.” Sakura smiled at Naruto. “You can have a third of my lunch too.”
“Sakura-chan?” he asked. His eyes were wide and watery.
Sakura shrugged.
“I had breakfast.” She brightened. “Hey, hey! I packed two extra breakfasts. There’s plenty of food for everyone.”
Naruto beamed. “That’s great!”
“I’ll get them,” Sasuke said. A moment later he was back and frowning. “He took them. Your empty bento box is all that’s left in your pack.”
Sakura frowned.
“What a jerk!” Naruto shouted around a mouthful of rice.
“Hurry up and finish eating before he gets back,” Sasuke grunted. He knelt next to his teammates and opened his weapons pouch. “This is what I’ve got. I was at the top of our academy class. And I can do the Great Fireball technique and variations on it.”
Naruto and Sakura paused in wolfing down their lunches to lay out their own weapons’ pouches.
“I can do the kage bunshin technique. It makes solid clones of me that can fight.”
“I’m a really good medic nin. I know some sealing techniques, two styles of taijutsu, a few really low level lightening, earth, and water jutsu that slot into my taijutsu styles, and I’m monstrously strong.”
Technically, they’ve passed. Kakashi thought. I should probably get down there and tell them that.
Instead he listened to the three of them throw around tactics and plans for defeating him and getting the bells.
After lunch Kakashi set the time again.
“Ready… Begin!”
Sasuke immediately blew a gigantic fireball in Kakashi’s general direction.
They’re going with plan number thirteen, Kakashi thought as he slipped into the earth. Driving me underground will give Sakura and Sasuke time to henge into Naruto and Naruto time to summon his clones. Two of the clones will henge into Sasuke and Sakura. Then the real Sakura will force me out and the mob of Narutos will hopefully surprise and overwhelm me long enough for the henged Sakura and Sasuke to get the bells. It’s not a bad plan. The ground around Kakashi cracked, buckled, and exploded open. Can they keep it together if something goes wrong?
This time when he let Naruto capture him, Kakashi henged himself into a Naruto.
“I’m not falling for that again!” crowed a Naruto.
The kage bunshin technique was released, leaving four Narutos in its wake.
One of the Narutos slapped his forehead. “Seriously, Kakashi-sensei?”
Well, that’s Sakura.
“We should just release our henges,” one Naruto said curtly. “It’ll be easy to tell which one’s the real Naruto.”
Hello Sasuke.
When Sakura and Sasuke released their henges, Kakashi used their puffs of smoke to replace himself with a clone henged into Sasuke.
“Aw man!” Naruto shouted. “Now we’ll never tell them apart!”
“I’m the real Sasuke!” both Sasukes shouted.
Sakura rolled her eyes. “Naruto, you’ll just have to kiss them both.”
“What?” screeched three voices.
Sakura smirked. There was a gleam in her eyes that Kakashi personally found very unsettling.
“Kakashi-sensei will be a way better kisser than Sasuke ‘cause he’s got way more experience. It’s the only way that we’ll be able to tell them apart.”
“Just-Just ask me some personal questions,” the real Sasuke shouted.
“Can’t. We don’t know anything personal about the real Sasuke. Boy-boy kissing is the only way to solve this!” The grin she turned on Naruto was downright terrifying. “Feel free to kiss them both as many times as you like. We want to be certain.”
Safe in his treetop perch, Kakashi groaned. He banged his head against the tree trunk.
Jiraya-sama created a monster!
Down below, all three boys were having screaming fits.
“Do you want to pass or not?” Sakura shouted. She stomped one small foot. The ground shaking under their feet apparently persuaded the other three to shut up. “You’re going to have to suck it up and kiss like beautiful men in order for us to complete this mission! You’re not going to kiss for fun; you’re going to kiss for the good of the team. Now pucker up!”
The three boys traded grim, despairing looks. Naruto and both of the Sasukes nodded at each other, firmed their mouths into grim lines, and then rubbed the backs of their hands across their mouths.
They wouldn’t!
Pale and sweating, Naruto tottered toward the nearest of the two.
They would!
Sakura watched them all with wide, eager eyes.
Down below, as Naruto neared him, one of the Sasukes burst into a puff of smoke. Memories with a strong flavor of horrified amusement overlaying them slotted themselves into Kakashi’s mind.
Apparently, his clone had agreed with him.
Jiraya-sama shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near young, impressionable minds.
Below Kakashi’s tree, both of the boys sagged with relief while Sakura made small, outraged noises.
And Kakashi leapt out of his tree.
“You pass.”
The boys flopped onto the ground. They were both grinning idiotically.
Sakura hopped up and down. She was grinning as idiotically as Naruto and Sasuke.
“In the ninja world, those who disobey the rules are scum. But those who don’t take care of their teammates are worse than scum. You’re the first team to put the good of your teammates before the rules and your team’s needs before your own comfort. That’s why, you pass.”
Sakura grinned.
Sasuke’s smirk softened into an actual smile.
Naruto was all but sobbing. “Y-you know, he’s kind of cool.”
At that generous assessment of his character a little swell of pleasure, and the first tendrils of fondness for his sensei’s idiot son, wormed their way into Kakashi’s heart.
Then Sakura crushed the mood, and Kakashi’s budding fondness for his new team, to death with her gasping peals of laughter.
“He is!” Naruto insisted indignantly.
“Sure sure,” Sakura said agreeably as she waved a hand in Naruto’s general direction.
That’s it. She’s not getting those bento boxes back. I’m eating them. I wonder if I could manage to eat them in front of her?
Ignoring Sakura entirely Kakashi proudly proclaimed, “The test has ended. Squad Seven starts its first mission tomorrow!”
Gai’s Good Guy Pose #7, complete with thumbs up and gleaming teeth behind his mask, nearly killed Sakura. She collapsed onto the ground cackling like a hyena and gasping about ‘flexing’ and ‘Promises of a Lifetime’.
Naruto was screaming about how he was finally a “real ninja! I’m a ninja ninja ninja!”
Sasuke quietly radiated relief and joy.
Their obvious happiness made Kakashi… less unhappy.
Aloud, Kakashi sighed. “Let’s go home.”
He and Sasuke left.
When it was obvious that Sasuke was heading straight home, Kakashi doubled back in time to hear Naruto say, “You’re kind of weird, Sakura-chan.”
Sakura, apparently finished with her laughing jag, grinned. “But in the best way. Right Naruto-kun?”
Naruto quickly nodded. “Eh heh. Right. Exactly. We should hurry home!”
When his genin were safely on their way home, Kakashi found a quiet, empty alley behind some restaurants.
He was promptly and messily sick in the nearest dumpster. The contact high from his genin students’ euphoria had worn off by then.
Oh, God. I’m responsible for them. What if they die?
Kakashi shuddered, forcing those thoughts as far away from his mind as possible. Instead he bought a glass of water off of a vendor, rinsed his mouth out, and took himself off to the outpatient clinic.
It was humiliating to have to go to the hospital’s outpatient clinic after testing his genin team but it would be worse to lose the use of his right arm to an improperly executed medical jutsu. The fact that the numbness had worn off was irrelevant. Sakura was twelve and her medical opinion was not to be relied upon until some other, unimpeachable source said so in some location or forum that he could access.
“But you said your arm was fine,” said the bewildered attending medic.
“I also said that it went numb after one of my genin kicked me with an unknown medical jutsu.” Kakashi said with what he considered enviable patience. The medic paled. “I’d like you to check that there was no permanent damage done to my arm by the jutsu.”
“Ah… I need to have a word with my supervisor.”
The medic scurried out of the exam room.
The long wait gave Kakashi plenty of time to think.
Kakashi nearly groan when Yakushi Makoto slipped into the room.
“Hatake-san.”
“Yakushi-san.”
There was a long beat of silence.
“It’s so rare to see you, Hatake-san. Are you sure that you’re not dying?”
“Quite.”
Another long beat of silence.
“May I see your arm?”
Kakashi grudgingly held his right arm out to the Chief Medical Officer. The dark-haired man held one glowing, green palm over Kakashi’s forearm.
After several minutes, he frowned but released Kakashi’s arm. There was an unsettling gleam in his dark eyes.
“Well?”
“It’s fine. She simply numbed the nerves in your arm. It’s the chakra-based equivalent to a local anesthetic. There’ll be no adverse effects in either the short or long-term. There is only a lingering imprint of a chakra signature which will fade in time.” Yakushi leaned forward. “Your genin kicked you with that jutsu?”
Kakashi narrowed his eye. “Is that such an unusual technique for a medic nin?”
“It’s a simple enough jutsu but it requires precise chakra control and intimate familiarity with the nervous system to perform properly. It’s definitely not a combat technique. It requires too much concentration. Most medics use drugs on patients to get the same effect.”
“My student seemed to have no such limitations.” Kakashi said wryly. “She used other medical jutsu during our taijutsu spar.”
“Which ones?”
“After the kick, I didn’t let those blows connect.” Kakashi was vaguely unsettled by how disappointed the medic looked.
“What did you say the genin’s name is?”
“I didn’t say,” Kakashi corrected, unsettled by the gleam in the Chief Medical Officer’s eyes. “And she already has an apprenticeship under a medic nin.”
“Oh? With whom?”
“Tsunade-sama.”
“Haruno Sakura,” said Yakushi. He seemed to wilt. “She has amazing promise. She could start working in the hospital immediately.”
“I thought she already was. She said that she’s taking her jonin level masteries in medical jutsu this summer.”
The medic grimaced. “She is. But she hasn’t officially registered for a residency or hospital privileges. She did her required practical hours under Shizune-san, at a series of clinics and in the field. At the moment she’s officially a floating member of the medical corps and a genin within the regular forces.”
“I’ll transmit your offer to her,” Kakashi hedged, unsettled again. This time it was with himself. I don’t want this genin team but I don’t want it to be disbanded either. It’s… mine. “The final decision is hers.”
“Children so rarely know what’s in their best interests,” demurred Yakushi. “Perhaps a gentle push in the right direction would not be amiss, Hatake-san.”
Kakashi nodded. “But in the end, it’s her future.”
Yakushi wilted a bit but nodded. “Of course. Let me outline the residency requirements and exams so that you’ll be better equipped to advise your student as to where her future lies.”
Kakashi was frankly amazed that so much time and effort went into medic training.
It explains why there are so few of them. And why they’re so bad at actual combat techniques. He thought as he looked in on his students. Sasuke was training in one of his clan ghetto’s training fields. Naruto was training in one of the newer village training fields that were found closest to the walls. As far as Kakashi could tell, Sakura was not training at all. Most kunoichi aren’t designed for actual combat with shinobi anyway. And it just isn’t something that medics do. No matter how strong they are.
His thoughts wandered to Rin. She had been so busy learning medical techniques when they were younger that she was still ranked a genin in the field.
Kakashi changed directions.
Sakura was not in the civilian’s public library or the academy’s library or even in the more sparely shelved chunin’s library. It was ridiculous but he checked both the jonin’s library and the Hokage’s library for the girl before he remembered something Rin had said once about a medic’s library. Following the half-remembered directions that Rin had given him once upon a time, Kakashi found Sakura. She was in the medic’s library, curled up with a thick tome entitled ‘Chakra Pathways and Sealing: Binding a Patient to Treatment.’ Judging by the fact that she was curled up on an upper shelf in the most obscure, dustiest corner of the library and shielded from casual view by a series of alarmingly large and ancient books, she was probably not supposed to be in that part of the library much less reading anything from it.
Naruto has one of the village’s most secret S-class jutsu. Sakura is stealing medical jutsu. I’m almost afraid to find out what Sasuke’s helping himself to.
Kakashi watched his third student as she read. He studied the way that her eyes moved across a page or the way her nose crinkled when she went back and reread a section more slowly. He noted the slow, absent way that she munched on an onigiri as she read. When she reread a section, or even when she was simply particularly interested in one, Sakura stopped chewing entirely until her mind had absorbed whatever piece of information had held her attention.
She was obviously interested in her reading material. She had chosen it after all. But sometimes her intent expression sharpened into an almost predatory glee. Then her fingers would twitch or her toes would flex or both and she would nod decisively or smirk.
She looks like she’s enjoying a hunt. She obviously wants to be a medic nin. It’s petty to hold her back because I dislike Yakushi. My personal feelings shouldn’t interfere with ensuring the best outcome for her. And it will give me more time to focus on the other two when she’s away.
Decision made, Kakashi reported to the Hokage.
After he had reported his acquisition of a genin team to the old man, suffered through Sarutobi’s twinkling-eyed congratulations, and gotten his off the record assignment to fix Sasuke’s mental stability issues (a potentially impossible task since Uchiha were, generally speaking and with the exception of Obito, somewhat unstable to begin with) and keep an eye on Naruto (especially for signs of kyuubi activity), Kakashi went in search of Tenzo.
He laughed so hard at the story of Team Seven’s genin candidacy test that Kakashi nearly decided against sharing his purloined bento boxes with him.
But if I don’t, I’d have to take the boxes back to her myself. It’s much better if Tenzo does it. He can calm her down a bit before I see her again.
When Kakashi admitted to Tenzo that he had decided to ship Sakura off to the hospital for more hands on experience, Tenzo frowned at him.
“She’s not going to understand,” he said around a bit of hardboiled egg. “You’re going to hurt her feelings.”
“I’ll make her understand. It’s not like I know what to do with a kunoichi much less a medical nin kunoichi. If she goes off to work with other medic nin, she’ll improve and I’ll have more time to beat things into the other two.”
“Kakashi-senpai, I respect you greatly but in this you’re wrong. She’ll be hurt and angry at what she’ll see as an attempt to get rid of her, but she won’t leave your team for the hospital. Just treat her the same way that you treat the boys and you’ll all get along fine.”
“She isn’t one of the boys!”
Thankfully there are no super secret missions regarding her potential future elimination.
“Well, no. But I’m nearly positive that she wants to be treated the same as one. Most of the time, anyway.” Tenzo grinned. “She won’t want to share bedding or clothes or hot water with them.”
I don’t want to have to be responsible for Sakura for the rest of our lives!
“I’ll think about it.”
Tenzo nodded. “Of course. See how it works out before you make any decisions.”
After dinner (and dumping the empty bento boxes on Tenzo) Kakashi made his way to the jonin lounge.
The festivities had started without him.
“You’re only an hour and a half late,” Raido noted, his cheeks already rosy with his alcoholic intake. “Just in time to see the third unfortunate bastard’s arrival. Bets are still being taken on whether it’s Shirosaki or Ichimaru.”
Kakashi’ eyes, after skimming over the shinobi present and assessing any notable threats, immediately went to the bar. It was long tradition that only those doomed to lead teams of genin sat there after survival training. It was everyone else’s duty to supply the jonin sensei with copious amounts of free alcohol since, but for the grace of God, they could be one of the poor souls sitting on a bar stool. Gai was there, cheerfully describing his team’s antics to a bored-looking Yukiko. Kakashi, who had been trapped into a very similar conversation with Gai earlier in the week, winced on poor Yukiko’s behalf. His eyes easily picked out the two newest victims: Kurenai and Asuma.
They were apparently the two newest jonin to be damned to D-rank missions, teenage angst, and rampant stupidity.
As was he.
Kurenai looked as terribly, frighteningly excited as Gai did whenever the taijutsu master forcibly brought up the subject of his beloved students. Asuma simply looked resigned to his fate.
Kakashi sincerely sympathized with Asuma.
He grudgingly made his way to the bar.
They’re not all staring at you. You just feel that way. It’s stupid and irrational and -
“Holy shit! It’s Kakashi! The third teacher is Hatake Kakashi.”
And now they’re all staring at you. Enjoying your suffering and degradation. Assholes.
“I didn’t even want to put him on the books this year,” groaned Choza. Shikaku patted his back consolingly. “And the odds I gave against him! Oh! Do you think that ANBU Cat and Rin-san knew?”
“They obviously knew something,” Inoichi murmured.
Somehow, that innocuous commentary made Kakashi’s tangled emotions even less pleasant.
Just for that, I’m drinking myself blind. Kakashi thought vindictively. Then I’m going to vomit on your sandals and make you carry me home, Akimichi.
Fandom: Naruto
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: None
Disclaimer: I have no rights to or claims on the Naruto franchise, trademark, copyright, or characters. This is for fun, not profit.
Summary: In the future what's left of humanity sends the Rokudaime Hokage back in time to make some changes. Sadly, they can't send all of her. When a seven-year-old Haruno Sakura decides to take an interest in Hatake Kakashi, the timeline shifts in some... unique... ways.
“I’m going to recommend that all three of you be dropped from the program.”
Sakura stared.
Naruto had a screaming fit.
Sasuke whipped out a kunai and charged directly at Kakashi.
Kakashi pinned Sasuke with one hand then sat on him, casually propping one foot up on the Uchiha’s head. The arm that Sakura had kicked hung useless by his side. True, the feeling had returned to his arm well before they reached the clearing but Sakura deserved a lesson in using weird, untested jutsu on unsuspecting comrades.
Also, he liked to mess with her. She just got so wonderfully angry.
After a very inspirational speech on the value of teamwork, helped along by Naruto’s shouts and Sasuke’s wordless little noises, all three of the genin looked a bit rough around the edges. Even Sakura looked cowed.
“Sakura! You knew what needed to be done, but you couldn’t get it done without death threats and blackmail. Successful teams are not founded on such behavior. You helped Naruto but failed to establish yourself as his teammate. You were accurate in your assessment of Sasuke’s willingness to work in a team but you did nothing to try to rectify the matter.”
Sakura flinched. She looked thoroughly guilty.
“Naruto! You rushed headlong into danger and tried to do everything yourself. Even when your teammate was willing to work with you, you failed to recognize her offer for what it was. When Sakura tried to help you, you tried to shove her out of your way. You saw the benefits of a teammate but were utterly incapable of controlling yourself or working within a team.”
Naruto scowled and looked at his feet.
“Sasuke! Your mistake was your arrogance. Your arrogance was such a liability that Sakura even planned around it. She knew that you needed to fail before you would even consider working with her or Naruto as their teammate. No matter how talented you are or how many jutsu you learn, you will always need the people around you, Sasuke.”
Kakashi continued his lesson. Eventually he drew their attention to the Memorial Stone.
“That’s it! That’s it! That’s it! Now I know what I’m going to do! I’ve decided that I’m going to have my name engraved on that stone! I’m not - urk! Ouch! Sakura-chan!”
Sakura’s hand sailed through the air again; backhanding Naruto’s other cheek so that he had matching lurid red handprints on both of his cheeks.
“Ow! Sakura-chan - uk!”
Sakura clamped her hands onto Naruto’s shoulders and shook him.
“Don’t you ever say anything so stupid ever again! Do you hear me? I’ll break both your arms and shatter both your legs and crush all your organs to keep you from doing that! You’re not allowed to ever, ever, ever die and get your name carved onto that stone! And if you do go and die a hero, I’ll use my forbidden jutsu and bring you back so that my ghost can haunt you forever!”
By the time Sakura finished her rant, Naruto looked vaguely traumatized. Sakura slowly forced herself to release her grip on Naruto’s shoulders.
Issues. Lots and lots of issues. Geez. I hope she didn’t get any of them off of me.
“I don’t understand what the big deal is.” Naruto whined. “It’s just a name on a rock.”
“It’s a Memorial Stone. The people named on it are a special kind of hero,” Kakashi said at last. “They were all KIA.”
“Ooohhhhh. KIA? That sounds really cool!”
Sakura literally growled as she lunged at Naruto. Only Kakashi’s timely - or untimely, judging by Sakura’s snarl - intervention saved Naruto from having his limbs shattered and his organs squashed.
It fell to Sasuke - Sasuke! - to be the sane, rational one. “It means killed in action, moron. They all died in combat.”
Naruto stiffened, his face draining of color. He was nearly as pale as Sasuke. Kakashi, deeming Sakura’s mood to be less murderous, released her.
“Which you are never, never allowed to do Naruto-kun.” Sakura snarled, once again looming over the blond idiot in their midst. “Got it?”
Naruto stared up at her with wide, terrified eyes. He nodded frantically.
“Su-Sure, Sakura-chan.” He brightened. “Hey! Hey! This means that you do care about me!”
Sakura groaned. She collapsed in a heap at his feet.
“How do I end up with these people?” she moaned to the sky. “They never get the point!”
“Don’t die because you care about me.” Naruto sniffed. “It’s not that complicated.”
“And?”
Naruto’s face crinkled up in confusion. “There was an ‘and’?”
“And if you die, I’ll bring you back to life using my forbidden jutsu and make you live with the guilt of knowing that I died in your place.”
Kakashi shuddered, his mind filled with the scents of stone and blood, the rasp of Obito’s painful breathing, Rin’s quiet sobs, and his last sight of crushed, blinded Obito.
“Oh. Yeah.” Naruto rubbed one hand against the back of his head. “Eh heh. That.”
“Yeah. That.”
Kakashi cleared his throat. “If you’re all quite done? I’m going to give you one more chance. But it’s going to be much harder on you.”
It was difficult to decide which kid to tie to a post. On the one hand, Naruto was the biggest knucklehead. On the other hand, Sakura was the biggest pain in his ass. On a borrowed third hand, Sasuke had that stick up his ass. Also, he had tried to kill Kakashi.
It had been a pathetic but attempting to murder your superior was the sort of bad habit that needed to be addressed immediately.
In the end, he split the difference and just tied them all to posts, one-handed, and left their lunches on the grass in front of them.
“Whichever two of you get free first can have lunch. Whoever is last won’t get to eat. You can’t help each other escape and you can’t share lunches. In the ninja world, those who break the rules are trash.”
Then Kakashi settled down to spy on them.
Unsurprisingly, Sasuke was the first to get free.
He snatched up a lunch and plopped himself down in the grass. Sasuke quickly and methodically consumed the contents of the bento while Naruto loudly proclaimed that he was fine, thank you very much and Sakura struggled to free herself.
Sasuke consumed precisely two-thirds of his bento’s contents.
With a sigh, he stood and pulled out a kunai.
Sakura and Naruto tumbled onto the grass at more or less the same moment.
She snatched up the untouched bento and started eating.
“Here.” Sasuke held his bento out toward Naruto. “You have the rest.”
“Why?” Naruto asked.
Sasuke’s reasoning - all of it about team efficiency and the team’s strength - made Kakashi smile.
“Okay.” Sakura smiled at Naruto. “You can have a third of my lunch too.”
“Sakura-chan?” he asked. His eyes were wide and watery.
Sakura shrugged.
“I had breakfast.” She brightened. “Hey, hey! I packed two extra breakfasts. There’s plenty of food for everyone.”
Naruto beamed. “That’s great!”
“I’ll get them,” Sasuke said. A moment later he was back and frowning. “He took them. Your empty bento box is all that’s left in your pack.”
Sakura frowned.
“What a jerk!” Naruto shouted around a mouthful of rice.
“Hurry up and finish eating before he gets back,” Sasuke grunted. He knelt next to his teammates and opened his weapons pouch. “This is what I’ve got. I was at the top of our academy class. And I can do the Great Fireball technique and variations on it.”
Naruto and Sakura paused in wolfing down their lunches to lay out their own weapons’ pouches.
“I can do the kage bunshin technique. It makes solid clones of me that can fight.”
“I’m a really good medic nin. I know some sealing techniques, two styles of taijutsu, a few really low level lightening, earth, and water jutsu that slot into my taijutsu styles, and I’m monstrously strong.”
Technically, they’ve passed. Kakashi thought. I should probably get down there and tell them that.
Instead he listened to the three of them throw around tactics and plans for defeating him and getting the bells.
After lunch Kakashi set the time again.
“Ready… Begin!”
Sasuke immediately blew a gigantic fireball in Kakashi’s general direction.
They’re going with plan number thirteen, Kakashi thought as he slipped into the earth. Driving me underground will give Sakura and Sasuke time to henge into Naruto and Naruto time to summon his clones. Two of the clones will henge into Sasuke and Sakura. Then the real Sakura will force me out and the mob of Narutos will hopefully surprise and overwhelm me long enough for the henged Sakura and Sasuke to get the bells. It’s not a bad plan. The ground around Kakashi cracked, buckled, and exploded open. Can they keep it together if something goes wrong?
This time when he let Naruto capture him, Kakashi henged himself into a Naruto.
“I’m not falling for that again!” crowed a Naruto.
The kage bunshin technique was released, leaving four Narutos in its wake.
One of the Narutos slapped his forehead. “Seriously, Kakashi-sensei?”
Well, that’s Sakura.
“We should just release our henges,” one Naruto said curtly. “It’ll be easy to tell which one’s the real Naruto.”
Hello Sasuke.
When Sakura and Sasuke released their henges, Kakashi used their puffs of smoke to replace himself with a clone henged into Sasuke.
“Aw man!” Naruto shouted. “Now we’ll never tell them apart!”
“I’m the real Sasuke!” both Sasukes shouted.
Sakura rolled her eyes. “Naruto, you’ll just have to kiss them both.”
“What?” screeched three voices.
Sakura smirked. There was a gleam in her eyes that Kakashi personally found very unsettling.
“Kakashi-sensei will be a way better kisser than Sasuke ‘cause he’s got way more experience. It’s the only way that we’ll be able to tell them apart.”
“Just-Just ask me some personal questions,” the real Sasuke shouted.
“Can’t. We don’t know anything personal about the real Sasuke. Boy-boy kissing is the only way to solve this!” The grin she turned on Naruto was downright terrifying. “Feel free to kiss them both as many times as you like. We want to be certain.”
Safe in his treetop perch, Kakashi groaned. He banged his head against the tree trunk.
Jiraya-sama created a monster!
Down below, all three boys were having screaming fits.
“Do you want to pass or not?” Sakura shouted. She stomped one small foot. The ground shaking under their feet apparently persuaded the other three to shut up. “You’re going to have to suck it up and kiss like beautiful men in order for us to complete this mission! You’re not going to kiss for fun; you’re going to kiss for the good of the team. Now pucker up!”
The three boys traded grim, despairing looks. Naruto and both of the Sasukes nodded at each other, firmed their mouths into grim lines, and then rubbed the backs of their hands across their mouths.
They wouldn’t!
Pale and sweating, Naruto tottered toward the nearest of the two.
They would!
Sakura watched them all with wide, eager eyes.
Down below, as Naruto neared him, one of the Sasukes burst into a puff of smoke. Memories with a strong flavor of horrified amusement overlaying them slotted themselves into Kakashi’s mind.
Apparently, his clone had agreed with him.
Jiraya-sama shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near young, impressionable minds.
Below Kakashi’s tree, both of the boys sagged with relief while Sakura made small, outraged noises.
And Kakashi leapt out of his tree.
“You pass.”
The boys flopped onto the ground. They were both grinning idiotically.
Sakura hopped up and down. She was grinning as idiotically as Naruto and Sasuke.
“In the ninja world, those who disobey the rules are scum. But those who don’t take care of their teammates are worse than scum. You’re the first team to put the good of your teammates before the rules and your team’s needs before your own comfort. That’s why, you pass.”
Sakura grinned.
Sasuke’s smirk softened into an actual smile.
Naruto was all but sobbing. “Y-you know, he’s kind of cool.”
At that generous assessment of his character a little swell of pleasure, and the first tendrils of fondness for his sensei’s idiot son, wormed their way into Kakashi’s heart.
Then Sakura crushed the mood, and Kakashi’s budding fondness for his new team, to death with her gasping peals of laughter.
“He is!” Naruto insisted indignantly.
“Sure sure,” Sakura said agreeably as she waved a hand in Naruto’s general direction.
That’s it. She’s not getting those bento boxes back. I’m eating them. I wonder if I could manage to eat them in front of her?
Ignoring Sakura entirely Kakashi proudly proclaimed, “The test has ended. Squad Seven starts its first mission tomorrow!”
Gai’s Good Guy Pose #7, complete with thumbs up and gleaming teeth behind his mask, nearly killed Sakura. She collapsed onto the ground cackling like a hyena and gasping about ‘flexing’ and ‘Promises of a Lifetime’.
Naruto was screaming about how he was finally a “real ninja! I’m a ninja ninja ninja!”
Sasuke quietly radiated relief and joy.
Their obvious happiness made Kakashi… less unhappy.
Aloud, Kakashi sighed. “Let’s go home.”
He and Sasuke left.
When it was obvious that Sasuke was heading straight home, Kakashi doubled back in time to hear Naruto say, “You’re kind of weird, Sakura-chan.”
Sakura, apparently finished with her laughing jag, grinned. “But in the best way. Right Naruto-kun?”
Naruto quickly nodded. “Eh heh. Right. Exactly. We should hurry home!”
When his genin were safely on their way home, Kakashi found a quiet, empty alley behind some restaurants.
He was promptly and messily sick in the nearest dumpster. The contact high from his genin students’ euphoria had worn off by then.
Oh, God. I’m responsible for them. What if they die?
Kakashi shuddered, forcing those thoughts as far away from his mind as possible. Instead he bought a glass of water off of a vendor, rinsed his mouth out, and took himself off to the outpatient clinic.
It was humiliating to have to go to the hospital’s outpatient clinic after testing his genin team but it would be worse to lose the use of his right arm to an improperly executed medical jutsu. The fact that the numbness had worn off was irrelevant. Sakura was twelve and her medical opinion was not to be relied upon until some other, unimpeachable source said so in some location or forum that he could access.
“But you said your arm was fine,” said the bewildered attending medic.
“I also said that it went numb after one of my genin kicked me with an unknown medical jutsu.” Kakashi said with what he considered enviable patience. The medic paled. “I’d like you to check that there was no permanent damage done to my arm by the jutsu.”
“Ah… I need to have a word with my supervisor.”
The medic scurried out of the exam room.
The long wait gave Kakashi plenty of time to think.
Kakashi nearly groan when Yakushi Makoto slipped into the room.
“Hatake-san.”
“Yakushi-san.”
There was a long beat of silence.
“It’s so rare to see you, Hatake-san. Are you sure that you’re not dying?”
“Quite.”
Another long beat of silence.
“May I see your arm?”
Kakashi grudgingly held his right arm out to the Chief Medical Officer. The dark-haired man held one glowing, green palm over Kakashi’s forearm.
After several minutes, he frowned but released Kakashi’s arm. There was an unsettling gleam in his dark eyes.
“Well?”
“It’s fine. She simply numbed the nerves in your arm. It’s the chakra-based equivalent to a local anesthetic. There’ll be no adverse effects in either the short or long-term. There is only a lingering imprint of a chakra signature which will fade in time.” Yakushi leaned forward. “Your genin kicked you with that jutsu?”
Kakashi narrowed his eye. “Is that such an unusual technique for a medic nin?”
“It’s a simple enough jutsu but it requires precise chakra control and intimate familiarity with the nervous system to perform properly. It’s definitely not a combat technique. It requires too much concentration. Most medics use drugs on patients to get the same effect.”
“My student seemed to have no such limitations.” Kakashi said wryly. “She used other medical jutsu during our taijutsu spar.”
“Which ones?”
“After the kick, I didn’t let those blows connect.” Kakashi was vaguely unsettled by how disappointed the medic looked.
“What did you say the genin’s name is?”
“I didn’t say,” Kakashi corrected, unsettled by the gleam in the Chief Medical Officer’s eyes. “And she already has an apprenticeship under a medic nin.”
“Oh? With whom?”
“Tsunade-sama.”
“Haruno Sakura,” said Yakushi. He seemed to wilt. “She has amazing promise. She could start working in the hospital immediately.”
“I thought she already was. She said that she’s taking her jonin level masteries in medical jutsu this summer.”
The medic grimaced. “She is. But she hasn’t officially registered for a residency or hospital privileges. She did her required practical hours under Shizune-san, at a series of clinics and in the field. At the moment she’s officially a floating member of the medical corps and a genin within the regular forces.”
“I’ll transmit your offer to her,” Kakashi hedged, unsettled again. This time it was with himself. I don’t want this genin team but I don’t want it to be disbanded either. It’s… mine. “The final decision is hers.”
“Children so rarely know what’s in their best interests,” demurred Yakushi. “Perhaps a gentle push in the right direction would not be amiss, Hatake-san.”
Kakashi nodded. “But in the end, it’s her future.”
Yakushi wilted a bit but nodded. “Of course. Let me outline the residency requirements and exams so that you’ll be better equipped to advise your student as to where her future lies.”
Kakashi was frankly amazed that so much time and effort went into medic training.
It explains why there are so few of them. And why they’re so bad at actual combat techniques. He thought as he looked in on his students. Sasuke was training in one of his clan ghetto’s training fields. Naruto was training in one of the newer village training fields that were found closest to the walls. As far as Kakashi could tell, Sakura was not training at all. Most kunoichi aren’t designed for actual combat with shinobi anyway. And it just isn’t something that medics do. No matter how strong they are.
His thoughts wandered to Rin. She had been so busy learning medical techniques when they were younger that she was still ranked a genin in the field.
Kakashi changed directions.
Sakura was not in the civilian’s public library or the academy’s library or even in the more sparely shelved chunin’s library. It was ridiculous but he checked both the jonin’s library and the Hokage’s library for the girl before he remembered something Rin had said once about a medic’s library. Following the half-remembered directions that Rin had given him once upon a time, Kakashi found Sakura. She was in the medic’s library, curled up with a thick tome entitled ‘Chakra Pathways and Sealing: Binding a Patient to Treatment.’ Judging by the fact that she was curled up on an upper shelf in the most obscure, dustiest corner of the library and shielded from casual view by a series of alarmingly large and ancient books, she was probably not supposed to be in that part of the library much less reading anything from it.
Naruto has one of the village’s most secret S-class jutsu. Sakura is stealing medical jutsu. I’m almost afraid to find out what Sasuke’s helping himself to.
Kakashi watched his third student as she read. He studied the way that her eyes moved across a page or the way her nose crinkled when she went back and reread a section more slowly. He noted the slow, absent way that she munched on an onigiri as she read. When she reread a section, or even when she was simply particularly interested in one, Sakura stopped chewing entirely until her mind had absorbed whatever piece of information had held her attention.
She was obviously interested in her reading material. She had chosen it after all. But sometimes her intent expression sharpened into an almost predatory glee. Then her fingers would twitch or her toes would flex or both and she would nod decisively or smirk.
She looks like she’s enjoying a hunt. She obviously wants to be a medic nin. It’s petty to hold her back because I dislike Yakushi. My personal feelings shouldn’t interfere with ensuring the best outcome for her. And it will give me more time to focus on the other two when she’s away.
Decision made, Kakashi reported to the Hokage.
After he had reported his acquisition of a genin team to the old man, suffered through Sarutobi’s twinkling-eyed congratulations, and gotten his off the record assignment to fix Sasuke’s mental stability issues (a potentially impossible task since Uchiha were, generally speaking and with the exception of Obito, somewhat unstable to begin with) and keep an eye on Naruto (especially for signs of kyuubi activity), Kakashi went in search of Tenzo.
He laughed so hard at the story of Team Seven’s genin candidacy test that Kakashi nearly decided against sharing his purloined bento boxes with him.
But if I don’t, I’d have to take the boxes back to her myself. It’s much better if Tenzo does it. He can calm her down a bit before I see her again.
When Kakashi admitted to Tenzo that he had decided to ship Sakura off to the hospital for more hands on experience, Tenzo frowned at him.
“She’s not going to understand,” he said around a bit of hardboiled egg. “You’re going to hurt her feelings.”
“I’ll make her understand. It’s not like I know what to do with a kunoichi much less a medical nin kunoichi. If she goes off to work with other medic nin, she’ll improve and I’ll have more time to beat things into the other two.”
“Kakashi-senpai, I respect you greatly but in this you’re wrong. She’ll be hurt and angry at what she’ll see as an attempt to get rid of her, but she won’t leave your team for the hospital. Just treat her the same way that you treat the boys and you’ll all get along fine.”
“She isn’t one of the boys!”
Thankfully there are no super secret missions regarding her potential future elimination.
“Well, no. But I’m nearly positive that she wants to be treated the same as one. Most of the time, anyway.” Tenzo grinned. “She won’t want to share bedding or clothes or hot water with them.”
I don’t want to have to be responsible for Sakura for the rest of our lives!
“I’ll think about it.”
Tenzo nodded. “Of course. See how it works out before you make any decisions.”
After dinner (and dumping the empty bento boxes on Tenzo) Kakashi made his way to the jonin lounge.
The festivities had started without him.
“You’re only an hour and a half late,” Raido noted, his cheeks already rosy with his alcoholic intake. “Just in time to see the third unfortunate bastard’s arrival. Bets are still being taken on whether it’s Shirosaki or Ichimaru.”
Kakashi’ eyes, after skimming over the shinobi present and assessing any notable threats, immediately went to the bar. It was long tradition that only those doomed to lead teams of genin sat there after survival training. It was everyone else’s duty to supply the jonin sensei with copious amounts of free alcohol since, but for the grace of God, they could be one of the poor souls sitting on a bar stool. Gai was there, cheerfully describing his team’s antics to a bored-looking Yukiko. Kakashi, who had been trapped into a very similar conversation with Gai earlier in the week, winced on poor Yukiko’s behalf. His eyes easily picked out the two newest victims: Kurenai and Asuma.
They were apparently the two newest jonin to be damned to D-rank missions, teenage angst, and rampant stupidity.
As was he.
Kurenai looked as terribly, frighteningly excited as Gai did whenever the taijutsu master forcibly brought up the subject of his beloved students. Asuma simply looked resigned to his fate.
Kakashi sincerely sympathized with Asuma.
He grudgingly made his way to the bar.
They’re not all staring at you. You just feel that way. It’s stupid and irrational and -
“Holy shit! It’s Kakashi! The third teacher is Hatake Kakashi.”
And now they’re all staring at you. Enjoying your suffering and degradation. Assholes.
“I didn’t even want to put him on the books this year,” groaned Choza. Shikaku patted his back consolingly. “And the odds I gave against him! Oh! Do you think that ANBU Cat and Rin-san knew?”
“They obviously knew something,” Inoichi murmured.
Somehow, that innocuous commentary made Kakashi’s tangled emotions even less pleasant.
Just for that, I’m drinking myself blind. Kakashi thought vindictively. Then I’m going to vomit on your sandals and make you carry me home, Akimichi.