Mai Winterfest Fic.
I shows u it.
Title: Advent
Author:subtilior
Medium: Fanfic
Rating: M [cumulative] for: angst, childhood injury, bad language, sexuality, violence & gore. Please note that most of these appear later on in the fic. Reader discretion is advised.
Thanks so very much to knifeedgefic for the super-speedy beta, and, as well, to lightup_tea and for their feedback.
Cross-posted at Labyfic. [nb: Labyfic mods - if this ain't permissible, shoot me an message pls.)
Advent
Part 1
I have always kept certain old traditions on Christmas Eve. Hospitality is one of them. If you were to travel through the wind and snow on December twenty-four, and knock on the door, I would welcome you. Of course, I hope that you would not mind if I have other, more homely traditions to keep as well. For instance - you might smile to see me preparing a plate of cookies and a glass of milk. Then you might rush to help me carry the rocking chair. I'm getting old, you see. Older every year.
But then, if you are observant, you might wonder why you're helping carry the rocking chair upstairs, far from the fireplace, far from the tree with its sparkling lights. You might wonder why I've set down the cookies and milk on a rickety old table, in a child's room - and why I sit my own old self down in the rocking chair there, of all places. Why I give all the signs of being settled for the night, rocking back and forth, looking at a blank white wall.
You might think that I've gone a bit senile, and tiptoe out to let me sleep.
Or you might take a cookie for yourself, sit down across from me, and ask me why I sit in this room of all rooms, on this night, of all nights.
I used to be a storyteller - probably the best, in my muddle of a family. But I'll let someone else tell you this story. He was a little boy - perhaps just like your own younger brother, if you have one. Blond and blue-eyed, with a fine mind and a sense of fun, and more mischief in him than manners.
This room, once upon a time, was his.
**********************
The first one came the year I started school. It came in the mail. It had a big white envelope and a pretty stamp.
Mom opened it. She said it was an Advent Calendar, and really pretty! I said it was mine, and she said OK. It had doors that opened and shut. We opened a door that night, and it had chocolate in it! It was all mine, because Sarah had gone to College, and so I didn't have to share.
It was really good chocolate, too.
So I had to brush my teeth really hard that night, and when I had brushed my teeth, I went to bed. When I was in bed, I fell asleep but then I woke up, because Santa was there! He came through a door that was like Mom's pretty necklace that is an oyster which you eat. The door was in the wall, like magic, and it was all colors and sparkly. Then he opened the door and walked into my room and smiled at me.
I wondered who he could be. He looked like an elf, and not Santa. I was confused. “Who are you?”
“Cannot I be your Saint Nicholas, my fine young friend?”
I didn’t know who that was, so I thought really hard. Christmas was not for a really long time. I still had to go to school! And then I looked really close at Maybe Elf or Maybe Not Santa. Then I knew why he was NOT Santa! So I told him.
I pointed my finger and said, “You're not Santa!”
“Really?” He blinked. “Why not?”
“You're too skinny!!”
He looked down, and poked a finger in his tummy. He looked so sad that I laughed. Then he looked back up, and laughed too.
“I am so very pleased to see you, young sir!” he said.
“Really?”
“Really and truly!” Then he smiled really big. “And these are pleased to see you, too!”
He fwooshed open both sides of his cape, and a lot of funny little monsters ran out! They were laughing and squeaking and jumping up and down. Some of them climbed up onto my bed and nipped at my fingers.
“Hey!” I yelled. “That hurt!”
“Now that is quite enough,” said Not Santa. “If you are so very hungry, we shall dine in the Castle. Come along.”
He pointed at the door, and all the monsters ran to it. Some of them fell over each other, and it was funny. And I said, “Do you have to go?”
“Yes,” he said. Then he smiled at me. “Would you like to come along?”
I really wanted to! But then I remembered that Mom had said not to go with strangers. “You're a stranger,” I told him.
“Ah ...” He looked a little sad. “I'm actually not. You see, I knew you, when you were a baby - and I sent you a present this year.”
“You sent me the chocolate paper in the mail? With the doors on it?” I bounced up and down on the bed.
“Hours and minutes and weeks and days - true time confined to a tatty piece of cardboard.” He smiled again. “A lovely little thing. Yes. And I remember you, Toby, even if you don't remember me. Now, will you come along?” He held out his hand. “The goblins have missed you.”
He knew my name, just like Mom. So I took his hand. “O.K.”
We went through the door, and then we went to a big party. The goblins were really funny there! They had lots of food; even a pig with an apple in its mouth. I had three kinds of cake and a piece of pie.
I went home and then I had more school the next morning. Then there was Christmas. Then I had MORE school, and I told a story in the spring for Story Telling. My teacher liked it a lot. She wrote it down for me, and we put it in a contest and it won!
Mom was really happy. She told all the cousins. She put the front page of my story in glass, and put the glass on the wall of my room.
My story was called “The Goblin Christmas Party.”
Sarah came home for Thanksgiving the next year. When she saw the glass, she got really, really mad. I don't know why.
***********************
That year, another present came in the mail, with the same big envelope, addressed to: “Tobias R. Williams, Esq.” I could read it, except I didn't know what an Esq was, but I asked Mom if I could keep the calendar in my room this year, and she said O.K.
This one was just as pretty as the first. I liked touching the glitter on it, and looking at all the little doors. There was one, covered in paint like Mom's necklace, all shiny and many colors and bright. It had a number on it. When I opened it when its number came, I saw a picture of me, and the goblins, and Not a Stranger. The other open doors had really cool pictures of people, and trees and animals all weird. I liked the man with antlers, and the lion with wings, but I liked the picture of me the best.
The rest of the doors had to stay closed until their numbers came. Sometimes it was funny because the numbers kept moving around. I liked thinking about the pictures, though. I wondered which door would be next, every day.
Then Sarah came home for Christmas break from College. Last year, she had gone to her boyfriend's house. And when she was still in high school she went to her Linda Mom's house. She was not here that much because her and Mom sometimes fight, is why.
I was happy to see her. I showed her all of my school stuff. She said it was all cool, and showed me some of her books, but they were way too heavy for me.
The second magic door happened when Sarah was home. That's why when Not a Stranger came through the door all red and gold, and the goblins came too, I said, “Shhhhh!”
He jumped, and said, “Shh-hhh!!” to all the goblins, and they got really quiet. Then he looked at me and bounced his eyebrows. “Why are we shhhh-ing, old man?”
That was funny, because he's old and I'm not. I whispered, “Sarah is sleeping right next door, and we don't want to wake her up.”
The goblins got really really quiet.
“Sarah is here?” Not a Stranger said, just as quiet.
“She's my big sister, and she gets really cranky if she doesn't sleep and if she doesn't have her coffee.”
“Coffee?” he whispered, and winked. Then he did that thing that's SO cool, with magic going fwish fwish fwish sort of like sparkly baseballs in his hands. Then he had a really big cup of coffee. He pretended to drink from it - his eyes crossed and it was so funny that I laughed.
“Quiet!” he said - but then he dropped the cup by accident! And it smashed on the floor!
“Oh no!” I forgot my Inside Voice. “She's going to kill me!”
“I do not think she will,” Not a Stranger said, and he fwish fwish fwish magic'd all the broken cup off the floor, which was really cool.
But then I heard - wham! wham! wham! - at the door.
“Toby!” Sarah yelled. “Toby, let me in! Unlock this door!”
I didn't know how to lock or unlock doors, so I pointed at Not a Stranger. “Did you lock the door?!”
He slapped his head. “Mercy me, I forgot! You had better unlock it, old man.”
“Locking the door is Against the Rules,” I said, but I went over and grabbed the knob. “How?”
“Just turn it,” Not a Stranger said, really quiet again. It was hard to hear him when Sarah was wham! wham! wham! knocking on the other side.
I turned the knob, the lock went - pop! - and the door opened. There was Sarah in her nightgown. She looked past me and her face turned all weird. I saw she had my bat.
“Are we going to play baseball?!” I said, because I thought that would be super fun, with goblins.
Sarah grabbed my arm and stepped in front of me. I couldn't see any more. “Toby,” she said really loud, “go to my room.”
“No! I want to play with the goblins!” I said.
“Get in there NOW!” she yelled, and pushed me into the hall. The door to my room slammed shut, and -click- went the lock from inside, which was Against the Rules and also MEAN. I knocked on the door but nobody would open it.
“You!” I heard Sarah yell through the door, but also through the wall and the heating vent. So I went over there to listen. I only heard bits and pieces, because of the heater.
“- call the police, by now -”
“You can scream to wake the dead, and nobody will hear you -”
- and then clank, clank, clank went the heater.
It stopped, so I listened again when Not a Stranger laughed.
“But he is such a fine lad, your brother - why should I not?”
“I'm telling you -”
Clank, clank, clank, again. When it stopped, and I listened some more, they were talking too quiet. So I opened the vent all the way and smooshed my ear against it, and listened really hard.
“Jareth - I want you to promise me.”
“Ah, yes, but what about what I want?”
“Promise me!”
Then it was quiet, and the last thing I heard was:
“I make bargains, not promises, Sarah …”
And then it was too quiet to hear.
I was really tired, so I went to sleep on Sarah's bed. When I woke up, it was still dark. Sarah was on one side of the bed, sitting quiet and still.
“Sarah?” I said.
“Hey, Toby,” she said, and she sounded all snuffly.
“Can we play now?”
“No, honey.” She picked me up. “It's time to sleep again. You won't have any more bad dreams - I promise.”
“Please please pleeeeeeease,” but she carried me to my bed.
“Oof - you are one heavy first-grader.” She set me down. I was looking around, though. It was all dark.
“Where'd he go?”
Sarah sniffed in breath, really loud. “Who?”
“Not a Stranger!” I sat up in bed. “He came through the door, just like last year. He always comes through doors.”
“Doors - doors - how many are there, Toby?!”
“They’re on here.” I took my calendar from under my pillow, where Mom said I could keep it. “Turn on the light.”
Sarah turned on the light.
I looked at all the pretty colors, and the glitter. “First it was the really shiny one,” I pointed, “and this year, it was red.” I opened the red door, and there was a tiny picture, of Not a Stranger and Sarah standing across from each other, and me in the middle. “See?”
I looked up, and jumped a little, because Sarah looked scary. She was white in the face, like a ghost for Halloween.
“Toby,” she whispered, “where did you get this?”
“It came in the mail. Just like last year.”
“The mail - that mother-” and then Sarah said a really bad word, and I was about to tell her she had to put a quarter in Dad's swear jar, but then she grabbed the calendar and ran!
“Wait!” I ran after her. I ran down the stairs, but halfway down I slipped and fell.
It hurt a lot.
At the bottom I got up. My head hurt really bad, but I walked after Sarah.
She was standing at the front door, which was open. The wind was blowing really really cold with snow coming inside the house. I only saw Sarah's nightgown, and her long hair going round and round.
“Give it back!” It hurt to say it.
“It's gone,” Sarah said. “The wind took it away.”
“What?” I swallowed another hurt. “It's my present! You can't do that!”
“I just did.” And she turned to look at me, and the snow was white and the light was blue, and she looked like a scary Halloween ghost who was also an evil witch. “And you will never get a present like that again.”
I couldn't swallow any more, and I started to cry. Then I couldn't stand up any more because of my head, so I sat down and cried really hard.
Then I heard feet coming down the stairs. “Sarah?” Mom said, “Why is the door open?” And then she turned on a light, and screamed.
“Toby! Toby!”
Dad ran downstairs, and touched my head, saying, “Toby! Toby!”
“I think he was sleepwalking - I heard him fall,” I heard Sarah say, but Mom was calling on the phone and then I had to go to the hospital.
When I got out of the hospital, I had to stay in bed for a while. Dad took me downstairs for presents on Christmas. I wouldn't open the present Sarah gave to me. Sarah was really quiet, quieter even than she had been when Merlin died, and Mom looked mad, and nobody said anything.
When the snow melted in the spring, I looked all through the front yard for the calendar. I didn't see it anywhere. Then I looked for where I had put last year's, in the closet, and I didn't see that one either.
It made me cry. But I did that in my room, because at school Jason who played soccer called me a wimp when I cried to the teacher about my calendar, and he pushed me down on the playground. My mom got really mad and called his mom, and then nobody talked to me at school.
But I hoped next year things would be good again.
************************
I started second grade and things did not get better. Jason was still mean. And then things were really sad, because I didn't get a calendar. Sarah came home for Christmas, but it wasn't much fun. She and Mom didn't talk a lot.
I did get a new book, which was: Myths and Folktales of the World. The drawings were cool. I saw the man with antlers, and I remembered him from the calendar. I thought that maybe Not a Stranger was like Santa, a bit, so I whispered to him through the heating vent, that I would be really good if he would send me a calendar next year.
************************
I went to third grade, and got in the highest reading group. I also tried to be really good. That didn't really help at school, but I didn't care what Jason and all his friends did, as long as I got a calendar.
So when I didn't get one, I felt really bad again. I started eating a lot, trying to fill up the empty feeling inside. I sneaked cookies from the container when Mom wasn't looking, and took slices of bread from the breadbox. Some days I had a stomach ache, but other days I could lie on my bed, full, and try to dream about what the goblins would be doing for their party.
Sarah came home for Christmas. It really wasn't that fun. She wanted to take me to the movies, but Mom said she couldn't. Then they had a fight, so I went to my room, and read my favorite books again.
************************
Then came fourth grade. I got braces, and Mom took me to the doctor, who shook his head and said I needed to stop eating so much. Gym was not good at school, either. Some nights, I got up and heard Mom and Dad talking about me, and they sounded worried.
They took me to another doctor, who was a doctor for inside your head. She did a puzzle with me and asked me about my favorite books and things to do. She was nice to talk to. When she asked me why I ate lots of cookies and those things, I said that I was sad. But when she asked me why I was sad, I had to think a bit.
School wasn't fun, and I didn't like people fighting at home - but what made me sad the most was not getting a calendar, for two years now. Which was kind of a little-kid thing to be sad about.
I mean, the guy I used to call Not a Stranger - a kind of little-kid name - was getting harder to remember. Some days I was pretty sure he had been a dream. The story I wrote in kindergarten was framed on the wall, but that could have been a dream, too. And I thought that if I told the doctor that I was sad because my made-up friend didn't send me presents anymore, then she’d think I was crazy.
But I didn't want to lie.
So I told the head doctor that I had been sad since the time it had hurt so much - the time when my sister took my favorite present away. She went kind of still, and asked me about the present. I told her about the calendar. I told her what I remembered, about Sarah shoving me into the hallway, and me looking up at her at the front door. It was all kind of fuzzy, in my memory. I told her about everything but the imaginary guy, and all of those goblins.
She made lots of notes, and said thank-you at the end. Then she suggested that I make my own Advent calendar, this year. That actually sounded kind of fun, so when I went home, I started on it. I had only about a month, because I wanted to open the doors beginning on December first, like I had done before.
I was working on coloring day thirteen - I had drew a guy with antlers coming out of his head, which was one of my favorite stories in Myths and Folktales of the World - and I heard the phone ring. Mom picked it up, and said, “Sarah,” in that voice that is kind of like grey might be, if it was a voice. They talked a while. I concentrated on the drawing.
Then Mom started yelling, “Absolutely not. You may not talk to him.” And then, “Your father isn’t here. Besides, he would agree with me.”
I wondered what was going on, so I walked down the stairs really quietly - and carefully, because I don’t like them that much. The stairs, I mean. I listened to Mom.
And I heard her say: “You want to know what I think? You want to know? I think you pushed him, that night three years ago, and I will cut off my own hand if I ever let you speak to him again!” And she slammed down the phone.
I went back upstairs. I didn’t really feel like coloring anymore.
When I asked Mom whether Sarah would be coming for Christmas, she said no. Dad just looked grouchy. I didn’t finish the calendar.
**********************
Fifth grade sucked, and Dad gave up on the swear jar, so I said whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. (But usually really quietly.) Dad worked really late. Mom kept looking upset, even if I brought home good grades from school. I really wanted a dog, or a cat, but they said no.
The calendar that I started last year I put under my bed. I took it out, once, and did some more of the drawings … but I didn’t want to look at it anymore, so I put it back. Christmas was the same as usual. Sarah didn’t come home. And then the next year went on, and fifth grade kept going.
Some days I didn’t want to get out of bed.
************************
I thought it couldn’t get worse than the past year, but middle school made me think differently. When it got too bad, this past fall, I’d go to my room and read all my favorite books, although a read-through took longer and longer, because I had a lot more of them.
This fall, though … Ugh. They called me Williams the Whale, and laughed at me every day. And there were a lot more people, in middle school, to laugh.
When school got out for Christmas break, I went upstairs to sit in my room. I felt so sad, like I thought I could just melt and be a cold puddle on the floor. Then I sat on the floor, and I looked under the bed. I saw my old Advent calendar.
I don’t know what made me do it, but I pulled it out. I went to my desk (it was in Sarah’s room, but I asked for it to be put in mine) and cleared off a space. Then I took a black pen, and drew the last day - number 24. I’ve looked at these calendars in stores, and I knew that the last one is always Mary and the baby. We’ve never really gone to church, but I was saying something to myself, while drawing. I drew and colored, and I said inside: Please.
I checked all the pictures. Some looked better than others. I colored the winter witch, and the deer-man, and the picture of all the goblins. All the time I said: Please. Please. Please.
I colored Mary and the baby. Then I picked up the calendar, and sat on the floor. I couldn’t see the drawings, because there was no more light from the windows. Or maybe it was because I was crying, and I knew it was a baby thing to do, but I couldn’t help it.
“Please,” I said. “Please - please - if you’re real, could you please come back? I don’t know who you are, or if you were a dream or not - but if you can hear me, I want you to come back - please come back. Please - please make everything O.K. again.” The words tumbled over each other. I closed my eyes tight, and shuddered, crying.
“Please come back. Please, whoever you are - I wish you were here again. I wish I could talk to you. Please - please, I -”
And then I heard a quiet sound.
I opened my eyes.
There, in the darkness of my room, I saw something. It was a golden spark. The spark zipped around a bit - back and forth - and then fell to the floor, leaving a trail of glittering light. Then there was another, and it left a trail, and another, and more and more, all silver and gold.
They formed a high rectangle of light - shaped like a door - my heart thudded inside, a weird thump - and the door filled in with a wash of starry blue, like water running down a window.
It was a door - like the magical doors I remembered. It was real.
I couldn’t believe it. Even when the door opened, and - he - Not-a-Stranger or Not Santa or whatever I had called him - appeared, with sparks of light swirling around him for a cloak - even then, I couldn’t believe it. I thought I would wake up. I thought it was a dream.
“Toby!” he said, and he held out his arms. “I am so very pleased to see you!”
That was the best part: that it wasn’t a dream. It was real - he was real - and he had not gone away forever.
All this time, he had been waiting to see me again.
tbc
Title: Advent
Author:subtilior
Medium: Fanfic
Rating: M [cumulative] for: angst, childhood injury, bad language, sexuality, violence & gore. Please note that most of these appear later on in the fic. Reader discretion is advised.
Thanks so very much to knifeedgefic for the super-speedy beta, and, as well, to lightup_tea and for their feedback.
Cross-posted at Labyfic. [nb: Labyfic mods - if this ain't permissible, shoot me an message pls.)
Advent
Part 1
I have always kept certain old traditions on Christmas Eve. Hospitality is one of them. If you were to travel through the wind and snow on December twenty-four, and knock on the door, I would welcome you. Of course, I hope that you would not mind if I have other, more homely traditions to keep as well. For instance - you might smile to see me preparing a plate of cookies and a glass of milk. Then you might rush to help me carry the rocking chair. I'm getting old, you see. Older every year.
But then, if you are observant, you might wonder why you're helping carry the rocking chair upstairs, far from the fireplace, far from the tree with its sparkling lights. You might wonder why I've set down the cookies and milk on a rickety old table, in a child's room - and why I sit my own old self down in the rocking chair there, of all places. Why I give all the signs of being settled for the night, rocking back and forth, looking at a blank white wall.
You might think that I've gone a bit senile, and tiptoe out to let me sleep.
Or you might take a cookie for yourself, sit down across from me, and ask me why I sit in this room of all rooms, on this night, of all nights.
I used to be a storyteller - probably the best, in my muddle of a family. But I'll let someone else tell you this story. He was a little boy - perhaps just like your own younger brother, if you have one. Blond and blue-eyed, with a fine mind and a sense of fun, and more mischief in him than manners.
This room, once upon a time, was his.
**********************
The first one came the year I started school. It came in the mail. It had a big white envelope and a pretty stamp.
Mom opened it. She said it was an Advent Calendar, and really pretty! I said it was mine, and she said OK. It had doors that opened and shut. We opened a door that night, and it had chocolate in it! It was all mine, because Sarah had gone to College, and so I didn't have to share.
It was really good chocolate, too.
So I had to brush my teeth really hard that night, and when I had brushed my teeth, I went to bed. When I was in bed, I fell asleep but then I woke up, because Santa was there! He came through a door that was like Mom's pretty necklace that is an oyster which you eat. The door was in the wall, like magic, and it was all colors and sparkly. Then he opened the door and walked into my room and smiled at me.
I wondered who he could be. He looked like an elf, and not Santa. I was confused. “Who are you?”
“Cannot I be your Saint Nicholas, my fine young friend?”
I didn’t know who that was, so I thought really hard. Christmas was not for a really long time. I still had to go to school! And then I looked really close at Maybe Elf or Maybe Not Santa. Then I knew why he was NOT Santa! So I told him.
I pointed my finger and said, “You're not Santa!”
“Really?” He blinked. “Why not?”
“You're too skinny!!”
He looked down, and poked a finger in his tummy. He looked so sad that I laughed. Then he looked back up, and laughed too.
“I am so very pleased to see you, young sir!” he said.
“Really?”
“Really and truly!” Then he smiled really big. “And these are pleased to see you, too!”
He fwooshed open both sides of his cape, and a lot of funny little monsters ran out! They were laughing and squeaking and jumping up and down. Some of them climbed up onto my bed and nipped at my fingers.
“Hey!” I yelled. “That hurt!”
“Now that is quite enough,” said Not Santa. “If you are so very hungry, we shall dine in the Castle. Come along.”
He pointed at the door, and all the monsters ran to it. Some of them fell over each other, and it was funny. And I said, “Do you have to go?”
“Yes,” he said. Then he smiled at me. “Would you like to come along?”
I really wanted to! But then I remembered that Mom had said not to go with strangers. “You're a stranger,” I told him.
“Ah ...” He looked a little sad. “I'm actually not. You see, I knew you, when you were a baby - and I sent you a present this year.”
“You sent me the chocolate paper in the mail? With the doors on it?” I bounced up and down on the bed.
“Hours and minutes and weeks and days - true time confined to a tatty piece of cardboard.” He smiled again. “A lovely little thing. Yes. And I remember you, Toby, even if you don't remember me. Now, will you come along?” He held out his hand. “The goblins have missed you.”
He knew my name, just like Mom. So I took his hand. “O.K.”
We went through the door, and then we went to a big party. The goblins were really funny there! They had lots of food; even a pig with an apple in its mouth. I had three kinds of cake and a piece of pie.
I went home and then I had more school the next morning. Then there was Christmas. Then I had MORE school, and I told a story in the spring for Story Telling. My teacher liked it a lot. She wrote it down for me, and we put it in a contest and it won!
Mom was really happy. She told all the cousins. She put the front page of my story in glass, and put the glass on the wall of my room.
My story was called “The Goblin Christmas Party.”
Sarah came home for Thanksgiving the next year. When she saw the glass, she got really, really mad. I don't know why.
***********************
That year, another present came in the mail, with the same big envelope, addressed to: “Tobias R. Williams, Esq.” I could read it, except I didn't know what an Esq was, but I asked Mom if I could keep the calendar in my room this year, and she said O.K.
This one was just as pretty as the first. I liked touching the glitter on it, and looking at all the little doors. There was one, covered in paint like Mom's necklace, all shiny and many colors and bright. It had a number on it. When I opened it when its number came, I saw a picture of me, and the goblins, and Not a Stranger. The other open doors had really cool pictures of people, and trees and animals all weird. I liked the man with antlers, and the lion with wings, but I liked the picture of me the best.
The rest of the doors had to stay closed until their numbers came. Sometimes it was funny because the numbers kept moving around. I liked thinking about the pictures, though. I wondered which door would be next, every day.
Then Sarah came home for Christmas break from College. Last year, she had gone to her boyfriend's house. And when she was still in high school she went to her Linda Mom's house. She was not here that much because her and Mom sometimes fight, is why.
I was happy to see her. I showed her all of my school stuff. She said it was all cool, and showed me some of her books, but they were way too heavy for me.
The second magic door happened when Sarah was home. That's why when Not a Stranger came through the door all red and gold, and the goblins came too, I said, “Shhhhh!”
He jumped, and said, “Shh-hhh!!” to all the goblins, and they got really quiet. Then he looked at me and bounced his eyebrows. “Why are we shhhh-ing, old man?”
That was funny, because he's old and I'm not. I whispered, “Sarah is sleeping right next door, and we don't want to wake her up.”
The goblins got really really quiet.
“Sarah is here?” Not a Stranger said, just as quiet.
“She's my big sister, and she gets really cranky if she doesn't sleep and if she doesn't have her coffee.”
“Coffee?” he whispered, and winked. Then he did that thing that's SO cool, with magic going fwish fwish fwish sort of like sparkly baseballs in his hands. Then he had a really big cup of coffee. He pretended to drink from it - his eyes crossed and it was so funny that I laughed.
“Quiet!” he said - but then he dropped the cup by accident! And it smashed on the floor!
“Oh no!” I forgot my Inside Voice. “She's going to kill me!”
“I do not think she will,” Not a Stranger said, and he fwish fwish fwish magic'd all the broken cup off the floor, which was really cool.
But then I heard - wham! wham! wham! - at the door.
“Toby!” Sarah yelled. “Toby, let me in! Unlock this door!”
I didn't know how to lock or unlock doors, so I pointed at Not a Stranger. “Did you lock the door?!”
He slapped his head. “Mercy me, I forgot! You had better unlock it, old man.”
“Locking the door is Against the Rules,” I said, but I went over and grabbed the knob. “How?”
“Just turn it,” Not a Stranger said, really quiet again. It was hard to hear him when Sarah was wham! wham! wham! knocking on the other side.
I turned the knob, the lock went - pop! - and the door opened. There was Sarah in her nightgown. She looked past me and her face turned all weird. I saw she had my bat.
“Are we going to play baseball?!” I said, because I thought that would be super fun, with goblins.
Sarah grabbed my arm and stepped in front of me. I couldn't see any more. “Toby,” she said really loud, “go to my room.”
“No! I want to play with the goblins!” I said.
“Get in there NOW!” she yelled, and pushed me into the hall. The door to my room slammed shut, and -click- went the lock from inside, which was Against the Rules and also MEAN. I knocked on the door but nobody would open it.
“You!” I heard Sarah yell through the door, but also through the wall and the heating vent. So I went over there to listen. I only heard bits and pieces, because of the heater.
“- call the police, by now -”
“You can scream to wake the dead, and nobody will hear you -”
- and then clank, clank, clank went the heater.
It stopped, so I listened again when Not a Stranger laughed.
“But he is such a fine lad, your brother - why should I not?”
“I'm telling you -”
Clank, clank, clank, again. When it stopped, and I listened some more, they were talking too quiet. So I opened the vent all the way and smooshed my ear against it, and listened really hard.
“Jareth - I want you to promise me.”
“Ah, yes, but what about what I want?”
“Promise me!”
Then it was quiet, and the last thing I heard was:
“I make bargains, not promises, Sarah …”
And then it was too quiet to hear.
I was really tired, so I went to sleep on Sarah's bed. When I woke up, it was still dark. Sarah was on one side of the bed, sitting quiet and still.
“Sarah?” I said.
“Hey, Toby,” she said, and she sounded all snuffly.
“Can we play now?”
“No, honey.” She picked me up. “It's time to sleep again. You won't have any more bad dreams - I promise.”
“Please please pleeeeeeease,” but she carried me to my bed.
“Oof - you are one heavy first-grader.” She set me down. I was looking around, though. It was all dark.
“Where'd he go?”
Sarah sniffed in breath, really loud. “Who?”
“Not a Stranger!” I sat up in bed. “He came through the door, just like last year. He always comes through doors.”
“Doors - doors - how many are there, Toby?!”
“They’re on here.” I took my calendar from under my pillow, where Mom said I could keep it. “Turn on the light.”
Sarah turned on the light.
I looked at all the pretty colors, and the glitter. “First it was the really shiny one,” I pointed, “and this year, it was red.” I opened the red door, and there was a tiny picture, of Not a Stranger and Sarah standing across from each other, and me in the middle. “See?”
I looked up, and jumped a little, because Sarah looked scary. She was white in the face, like a ghost for Halloween.
“Toby,” she whispered, “where did you get this?”
“It came in the mail. Just like last year.”
“The mail - that mother-” and then Sarah said a really bad word, and I was about to tell her she had to put a quarter in Dad's swear jar, but then she grabbed the calendar and ran!
“Wait!” I ran after her. I ran down the stairs, but halfway down I slipped and fell.
It hurt a lot.
At the bottom I got up. My head hurt really bad, but I walked after Sarah.
She was standing at the front door, which was open. The wind was blowing really really cold with snow coming inside the house. I only saw Sarah's nightgown, and her long hair going round and round.
“Give it back!” It hurt to say it.
“It's gone,” Sarah said. “The wind took it away.”
“What?” I swallowed another hurt. “It's my present! You can't do that!”
“I just did.” And she turned to look at me, and the snow was white and the light was blue, and she looked like a scary Halloween ghost who was also an evil witch. “And you will never get a present like that again.”
I couldn't swallow any more, and I started to cry. Then I couldn't stand up any more because of my head, so I sat down and cried really hard.
Then I heard feet coming down the stairs. “Sarah?” Mom said, “Why is the door open?” And then she turned on a light, and screamed.
“Toby! Toby!”
Dad ran downstairs, and touched my head, saying, “Toby! Toby!”
“I think he was sleepwalking - I heard him fall,” I heard Sarah say, but Mom was calling on the phone and then I had to go to the hospital.
When I got out of the hospital, I had to stay in bed for a while. Dad took me downstairs for presents on Christmas. I wouldn't open the present Sarah gave to me. Sarah was really quiet, quieter even than she had been when Merlin died, and Mom looked mad, and nobody said anything.
When the snow melted in the spring, I looked all through the front yard for the calendar. I didn't see it anywhere. Then I looked for where I had put last year's, in the closet, and I didn't see that one either.
It made me cry. But I did that in my room, because at school Jason who played soccer called me a wimp when I cried to the teacher about my calendar, and he pushed me down on the playground. My mom got really mad and called his mom, and then nobody talked to me at school.
But I hoped next year things would be good again.
************************
I started second grade and things did not get better. Jason was still mean. And then things were really sad, because I didn't get a calendar. Sarah came home for Christmas, but it wasn't much fun. She and Mom didn't talk a lot.
I did get a new book, which was: Myths and Folktales of the World. The drawings were cool. I saw the man with antlers, and I remembered him from the calendar. I thought that maybe Not a Stranger was like Santa, a bit, so I whispered to him through the heating vent, that I would be really good if he would send me a calendar next year.
************************
I went to third grade, and got in the highest reading group. I also tried to be really good. That didn't really help at school, but I didn't care what Jason and all his friends did, as long as I got a calendar.
So when I didn't get one, I felt really bad again. I started eating a lot, trying to fill up the empty feeling inside. I sneaked cookies from the container when Mom wasn't looking, and took slices of bread from the breadbox. Some days I had a stomach ache, but other days I could lie on my bed, full, and try to dream about what the goblins would be doing for their party.
Sarah came home for Christmas. It really wasn't that fun. She wanted to take me to the movies, but Mom said she couldn't. Then they had a fight, so I went to my room, and read my favorite books again.
************************
Then came fourth grade. I got braces, and Mom took me to the doctor, who shook his head and said I needed to stop eating so much. Gym was not good at school, either. Some nights, I got up and heard Mom and Dad talking about me, and they sounded worried.
They took me to another doctor, who was a doctor for inside your head. She did a puzzle with me and asked me about my favorite books and things to do. She was nice to talk to. When she asked me why I ate lots of cookies and those things, I said that I was sad. But when she asked me why I was sad, I had to think a bit.
School wasn't fun, and I didn't like people fighting at home - but what made me sad the most was not getting a calendar, for two years now. Which was kind of a little-kid thing to be sad about.
I mean, the guy I used to call Not a Stranger - a kind of little-kid name - was getting harder to remember. Some days I was pretty sure he had been a dream. The story I wrote in kindergarten was framed on the wall, but that could have been a dream, too. And I thought that if I told the doctor that I was sad because my made-up friend didn't send me presents anymore, then she’d think I was crazy.
But I didn't want to lie.
So I told the head doctor that I had been sad since the time it had hurt so much - the time when my sister took my favorite present away. She went kind of still, and asked me about the present. I told her about the calendar. I told her what I remembered, about Sarah shoving me into the hallway, and me looking up at her at the front door. It was all kind of fuzzy, in my memory. I told her about everything but the imaginary guy, and all of those goblins.
She made lots of notes, and said thank-you at the end. Then she suggested that I make my own Advent calendar, this year. That actually sounded kind of fun, so when I went home, I started on it. I had only about a month, because I wanted to open the doors beginning on December first, like I had done before.
I was working on coloring day thirteen - I had drew a guy with antlers coming out of his head, which was one of my favorite stories in Myths and Folktales of the World - and I heard the phone ring. Mom picked it up, and said, “Sarah,” in that voice that is kind of like grey might be, if it was a voice. They talked a while. I concentrated on the drawing.
Then Mom started yelling, “Absolutely not. You may not talk to him.” And then, “Your father isn’t here. Besides, he would agree with me.”
I wondered what was going on, so I walked down the stairs really quietly - and carefully, because I don’t like them that much. The stairs, I mean. I listened to Mom.
And I heard her say: “You want to know what I think? You want to know? I think you pushed him, that night three years ago, and I will cut off my own hand if I ever let you speak to him again!” And she slammed down the phone.
I went back upstairs. I didn’t really feel like coloring anymore.
When I asked Mom whether Sarah would be coming for Christmas, she said no. Dad just looked grouchy. I didn’t finish the calendar.
**********************
Fifth grade sucked, and Dad gave up on the swear jar, so I said whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. (But usually really quietly.) Dad worked really late. Mom kept looking upset, even if I brought home good grades from school. I really wanted a dog, or a cat, but they said no.
The calendar that I started last year I put under my bed. I took it out, once, and did some more of the drawings … but I didn’t want to look at it anymore, so I put it back. Christmas was the same as usual. Sarah didn’t come home. And then the next year went on, and fifth grade kept going.
Some days I didn’t want to get out of bed.
************************
I thought it couldn’t get worse than the past year, but middle school made me think differently. When it got too bad, this past fall, I’d go to my room and read all my favorite books, although a read-through took longer and longer, because I had a lot more of them.
This fall, though … Ugh. They called me Williams the Whale, and laughed at me every day. And there were a lot more people, in middle school, to laugh.
When school got out for Christmas break, I went upstairs to sit in my room. I felt so sad, like I thought I could just melt and be a cold puddle on the floor. Then I sat on the floor, and I looked under the bed. I saw my old Advent calendar.
I don’t know what made me do it, but I pulled it out. I went to my desk (it was in Sarah’s room, but I asked for it to be put in mine) and cleared off a space. Then I took a black pen, and drew the last day - number 24. I’ve looked at these calendars in stores, and I knew that the last one is always Mary and the baby. We’ve never really gone to church, but I was saying something to myself, while drawing. I drew and colored, and I said inside: Please.
I checked all the pictures. Some looked better than others. I colored the winter witch, and the deer-man, and the picture of all the goblins. All the time I said: Please. Please. Please.
I colored Mary and the baby. Then I picked up the calendar, and sat on the floor. I couldn’t see the drawings, because there was no more light from the windows. Or maybe it was because I was crying, and I knew it was a baby thing to do, but I couldn’t help it.
“Please,” I said. “Please - please - if you’re real, could you please come back? I don’t know who you are, or if you were a dream or not - but if you can hear me, I want you to come back - please come back. Please - please make everything O.K. again.” The words tumbled over each other. I closed my eyes tight, and shuddered, crying.
“Please come back. Please, whoever you are - I wish you were here again. I wish I could talk to you. Please - please, I -”
And then I heard a quiet sound.
I opened my eyes.
There, in the darkness of my room, I saw something. It was a golden spark. The spark zipped around a bit - back and forth - and then fell to the floor, leaving a trail of glittering light. Then there was another, and it left a trail, and another, and more and more, all silver and gold.
They formed a high rectangle of light - shaped like a door - my heart thudded inside, a weird thump - and the door filled in with a wash of starry blue, like water running down a window.
It was a door - like the magical doors I remembered. It was real.
I couldn’t believe it. Even when the door opened, and - he - Not-a-Stranger or Not Santa or whatever I had called him - appeared, with sparks of light swirling around him for a cloak - even then, I couldn’t believe it. I thought I would wake up. I thought it was a dream.
“Toby!” he said, and he held out his arms. “I am so very pleased to see you!”
That was the best part: that it wasn’t a dream. It was real - he was real - and he had not gone away forever.
All this time, he had been waiting to see me again.
tbc