(no subject)
if everythings always different then does that mean everythings always the same?
i don't know what to think of anything these days. everyones empty. there no more happiness, true genuine happiness. we all need drugs, we all need eachother. without both we are useless. we are empty. i've come to grips with this, i am trying to change.
i don't know about anyone else but a long time ago i made the decision to no matter what, no matter what circumstances, to live a life filled with trust. i have given my trust time and time again to another and another. i've found the best friends i could ever ask for and i have been fucked over royally as many times as you can count. but i don't give a fuck, at the end whoever proved me right will be right there beside me. that's all that matters, that's all i can ever ask for.
i'll always do it too. it's one of the few qualities about myself that i'm actually proud of. one of the very few qualities.
i hate myself. i've hated myself for five days. i hate myself for ever putting pat through a seconds worth of pain. i hate myself for not being nearly good enough for him or taking care of him as much as he takes care of me. i give him love, and this love is more powerful then anything anyone could ever feel. it's pure and it's real and it contains every last peice of me. and in return he gives me the same love, if not stronger, with security, sensitivity, devotion, truth, and compassion. i want to be everything to him, everything i've never been and everything i've always sworn i would be. i will be an amazing wife and i will be the best mother anyones ever seen. i will never lay a fucking finger on my kids and i will teach them the right morals, i will show them how to acheive what they want and every single day i will remind them of what they are to me. i will tell them that i love them, that they're beautiful and i will make sure that they never feel worthless. never. they will never have felt what i've felt.
i want to keep going, this is the first time i've been able to write what i've felt since the summer. but the only thoughts left in my head could leave damage, i'm affraid they're only affects will be anger and defense, and i don't want any of that shit. but it's probably better that way, i have a lot of things to say to a lot of people.