(no subject)
i broke down today. thats not me, it used to be but after everything i went through with him i promised myself it wouldnt be me anymore but here i am. im sitting here letting my emotions get the best of me. i have so much to say but its not my nature to just say them. i sit there and let things happen. i told myself last week that i would say something, i would make it clear that ive been in that situation before, both ends of it, and i didnt like it. but instead i smiled. i sat there and i smiled and i let it happen again. i want so badly for this part of my life to just resolve itself but it wont, it never does. i hate that part of me gets so jelous of my friends. but its so hard. i see them with eachother and again i sit and smile but in my head im screaming so loudly and then the screaming turns to crying because ive never known that. on some level ive come close but there is always some other factor that stops me from ever having the one thing ive ever wanted. maybe its because they are better people than me, i really couldnt tell you. all i know is that im in the middle of this situation again. only this times its worse. last time i didnt know about it, nor did i care when i found out because in my head he was mine first therefore he was mine. but this time i have no excuse to tell myself. i knew the situation before i knew him.