Our bozopunk future

[substitute]

1. We're so sorry our convicted sex criminal employee fondled your child. Please accept this twenty five dollar gift certificate as a token of our concern.
   
   
2. Let's sail down this lazy river in a GIANT YORKSHIRE PUDDING BOAT (thanks, 'vark!)
   
   
3. I want to commute all Batman cool in one of these awesome motorcycle-less sidecars!
   
   
4. I think this is only time I have seen a public safety organization use the music of Social Distortion in an official capacity, as the LAFD uses a citizen-made video for promotion. Includes profanity, guys on fire.
   
   
5. BIG SNAKE SURVIVES FIRE, with or without O.C. punk is not known.
   
   
6. Airbus would like its customers to consider stuffing 853 people in their new superplane by strapping them to backboards standing up. That would be especially cool when the mass panic occurred, I bet.
   
   
7. No subscription list is complete without POTATO STORAGE INTERNATIONAL!
   
   
8. Let's all go see the Japanese guys who play gospel music in blackface! AUGH! Les, you should join up, you'd only have to do half the makeup!
   
   
9. And for those of you who read this far, a special treat: a brand new, shiny unaccountable national secret police!