alone once more

[subserve_aaron]

Back in the dorms. A different settlement this time, although I'm not sure why; they don't really tell serves those kinds of things, they just move us around as suits their needs. Not suprising... that's the way of the world here

Comments

[subserv_elijah]

Wow. *I listen carefully, managing to hold eye contact for a few minutes before having to look away briefly

[subserve_aaron]

*Good... I didn't scare him off.*

God, living in the dorms all your life... that would suck so much. The dorms are depressing. No matter what settlement you're in.

I haven't been trained, either... I tried to convince the Chancellor of Subserves here that I knew a lot from growing up in Cits' houses, but he said I had to go through training... They haven't come to get me yet, though, so I don't know. Maybe there's not someone to train me. I don't even know what they teach you there.

Are the other serves here okay? No one else has talked to me.

[subserv_elijah]

Umm... it's weird here. I used to have friends in the other settlement but here, nobody gets too close. Other than talking to you, Chris is the only one I talked to before, buy his contract got bought before mine,and then I was alone again.

*I sit a few minutes just thinking and watching him as he watches me.*

I don't know why they haven't trained me to do anything. I mean, I know stuff... just... I dunno. I haven't been through any 'formal' training or anything. I can cook a bit. And I learn fast, if someone shows me what they want. I guess I just never really got a chance to prove that, though. I think in my case looking the way I do has been a curse. *And I suppose maybe its been the same for you, too. Good looking younger males are always the most desirable as pleasure serves, after all.*

[subserve_aaron]

*soft laugh* Yeah... the Chancellor here seems pretty damn scary. Maybe that makes everyone afraid to talk to each other.

I know what you mean, about the looks... My first Cit sent me away cause he started having sex with me when I was around 13. He started feeling guilty for being such a pedophile, and I guess he couldn't stand to look at me anymore. *wry smile*

*I look over at you... Yeah, you're a good-looking boy. Again, why the hell wasn't I born a Cit?*

Funny how being a pleasure serve sounds like a really great deal but is actually pretty shitty unless you get a really good Master, huh. And those seem prety damn rare.

[subserv_elijah]

Yeah, tell me about it. Fucked over, more like. I guess I should be happy it didn't happen until now, though. God... 13? *I look at you with sympathy* I hope that Cit was at least nice to you. I hope he didn't... *I stop myself before going on. I don't want to say what I was just thinking. My eyes drift and I look at my knees again.* Well... I think a few of the serves here have found good homes. I've heard some of the staff talk from time to time. I guess not every home is a bad one. *I just wish there were enough for both of us to have one.*

I keep thinking that maybe my Cit will decide he doesn't want the trouble of reclaiming me, and I can go to someone else. Either that, or... maybe for a little while, until he comes to take me again. They said I could go to someone else temporarily until then, but nobody wanted to take me when it happened. I think my now history of abuse scared them all off. *I shrug*

[subserve_aaron]

He was nice enough... I mean, he didn't cause any permanent damage I guess. I usually wasn't hurt very badly, and he didn't hit me or anything. But uh... *short laugh* Well, it's stupid, but I've never been kissed. He just used me for sex and then felt guilty about it, which was basically what my second Cit did only he did it cause he was too embarrassed to contract a real pleasure serve. So it was always like, get it done as fast as possible. *looks up at you, grinning at the weirdness of it* So I've been getting screwed for ten years now but never even kissed anyone.

*looks down, sobers again* I hope you can go somewhere else. At least temporarily. Someplace good... I've even heard of Cits falling in love with their serves, but that might just be fairy tales.

*looks back up at you* It's stupid that your history scared people off. It's not like any of that was your fault.

[subserv_elijah]

I guess they just dont want to be bothered with the trouble, and especailly for a serve that isnt going to stay with them. *shrugging*

*I think about what you said, about being kissed* I haven't been either, umm, kissed, I mean. I can't remember, my Cit may have forced me to once or twice, but... I don't consider that a kiss if I didn't want to do it. Frankly, the guy freaks me out. I... nobody's ever touched me in a nice way. *I blush a bit saying it, but it;s the truth. And we're on that subject anyway so...*

*Looking at you again* Stupid. People are so stupid, you know? I mean... if I was a Cit and had a nice serve, I'd treat him good. So he lliked me, you know? *I'd treat you nicely, that's for sure - you seem pretty cool, now that I'm getting more comfortable around you.*

[subserve_aaron]

Yeah, I guess you're right... it sucks though. But that goes without saying

[subserv_elijah]

I... *I swallow and look down again* I never really wanted... I never got close enough to anyone to want that. And then the next thing I know, I had it, whether I wanted it or not. I used to have nightmares about this, about this happening, because of the stories I'd hear from some of the older serves. *I look up again and look you in the eye, my wariness apparent* I'd like to, eventually, though... *sighing* but I doubt that's going to happen. I hate him. I hate him. *I repeat, looking away now* I hate being a serve.

[subserve_aaron]

*I hug myself a little, to keep from hugging you.* I know... you have every right to hate it. I just can't believe they let sick fucks like that have serves... There should be laws protecting us. Or something. God, I don't know. *I'm really close to crying now, and I'm not even the one who's had it rough. And it's so much worse for him, knowing his Cit will be coming back...*

[subserv_elijah]

*Turning back to face you again, I see the deep emotion in your eyes and my stomach twinges. I dunno what it is - I feel this connection to you, which is probably why I've been able to tell you all this without locking up. You really do understand, and you seem to genuinely care. I hardly know what that's like - someone who cares. Chris told me never to get involved with another serve. It's illegal, he said. But... what if another serve is the only one who cares about you?*

I... Yeah. *I don't know what else to say. My eyes finally divert away. I want to touch you, even just to feel that you're real, but I don't know if I can make myself do it. I shift myself a bit, making it so that my elbow touches you. It's all I can manage right now. Just that little bit of contact makes me feel good, though, but I still find myself waiting expectantly for some kind of violent return.*

[subserve_aaron]

*Wow... did I make him like this? I can't believe he's touching me... okay, just his elbow, but still! I want to grab him and kiss him and do stupid things like play wrestle around under the covers with him -- stuff we both should've been doing since we were teenagers. Not having sex forced on us or being objects for brutal old men or being afraid to even have a friend. I know it's illegal to be involved with another serve, but that's only if someone finds out about it. And there's always the hope that someone will take us both. I'm sick of being denied everything good in life.*

*I want to tell you all of that, but I shouldn't, and I can't... I don't have anything else to say, though.*

*I press back against your elbow just a little bit, so you know I'm responding and I like it, and try to meet your eyes and give you my most sincere smile.*

[subserv_elijah]

*My breath comes a little quicker when I feel you responding to me, and I'm not sure if its because I'm afraid of the fact that we're actually touching now, or because I want you to keep doing it, or because I'm attracted to you but really freaked out at the same time.*

I... I don't know... how to do this. *I say to you with a breathy whisper, because... I know we're both aware of the same things right now. And is it just because we both feel the need for someone? Or is this feeling real?* I'm... *I let my head fall again* I'm afraid. *My cheeks get hot, but I do look back up at you again, nervously but hopefully, although I don't really know what I'm hopeful will happen.*

[subserve_aaron]

*Oh god, I want to throw up and run away and jump him and just laugh my ass off all at the same time. I had no idea this was what this was like! This is what serves miss out on? We have it worse than I thought! And he's so unsure I just want him more... I swore I would never be horny again, but this isn't anything I've ever felt. No Cit could make me feel like this*

*I slump down a little, so we're eye to eye. I don't like feeling like I'm looking down at you.*

*whispering* It's okay... I don't either. *I'm almost shaking, I'm so nervous.* Nothing you're not okay with, ok? Nothing at all.

*I press back against your elbow a little again, to try to reassure you.* Don't be afraid.

[subserv_elijah]

*I look at you when you reposition so we're looking eye to eye, and just... look. I don't know what I'm OK with though, that's the trouble. I don't know what I want, what I'm afraid of. I know only that I'm afraid... but at the same time I don't want to be alone anymore.*

What you did before. *I finally force out, trying to hold my fear at bay* Could you... do that again? *My voice is weak and unsure.*

*Maybe if I can get used to someone holding me, the rest would be a little easier, I don't know. But I'm not going to go too fast. I can't. I want to feel happy about someone, not constantly be comparing them to him so... I need to go really slow.*

[subserve_aaron]

*This would almost be sweet, if I didn't know it was all because some jerk did horrible things to him. But this is progress, right? I hope this isn't a mistake. It can't be.*

Oh Elijah... of course... I would love to...

*I slip one arm around your shoulders, so you can still move away without a struggle. I curve my fingers around your shoulder lightly, squeezing gently. I want to touch your hair and your face with my other hand, but I think that's too much right now. I just smile encouragingly at you, hoping you understand how much I like this*