Chibi Usa Boyfriend part 5: Death and Rebirth.
This is it
In the still of the moment from the time that it happened till now, I have been nothing more than strong. My tears have fallen on deaf ears and the flame of love turned to a flame of anguish ever so quickly. It’s not like I didn’t have the time to cry, I just couldn’t. I wouldn’t let myself I couldn’t let something like this wreck me. I did what I know how to do best; look out for myself.
Within that time frame I had the support of friends and family as I found a new way, a new routine from what I had known before. It was lonely but I persevered I knew that better times would be ahead, and I knew that I would be my whole self again. Things take time; I can’t just slap on a band aide and say that everything is ok. I’m still hurt inside really hurt to be honest, but in this hurt I have found something that I didn’t really think I would have. Myself.
Shocked at what I had not felt for a long time, I began to play with the idea that “hey, I feel like me again”. It’s not like I wasn’t myself before I just felt that I was not truly who I was. Always felt like I had to be pleasing like I always had to be on, that if I stepped outside the lines I would know about it. It felt like everything quarters it was something new that I wasn’t doing right. Quarters turned into every two weeks and soon everything just got out of hand.
Unable to persuade me enough into what I should have been to what I was, the love turned slowly into despises and I felt like I couldn’t do enough. In the deepest part of my soul I knew that I wasn’t able to do this, I knew that things would only get worse yet I continued. If there is one thing that I will learn from all this it’s that love isn’t always enough. I feel like I was blinded by love, not being able to step away and say OK, is this really working?
Now that im left here with all the pieces im just looking at life as a whole. I know that this didn’t wreck me but it left me with a lot of questions. For once in my life I wasn’t playing in the sandbox with another person. I learned to love and a lot about relationships. Especially the sting that they leave when finished. I may have something that I had long lost but I lost something that was still new. C’est le via.
I knew that this might happen; it was part of the equation when I moved here. I kick myself in the ass now for the fact that I left Vancouver. I want to go back I really do, rather I would prefer to be anywhere but here right now. Maybe im looking for the past comfort I had before. But the truth is, I’m alone now like I was in the begging shall it be in the end. Don’t get me wrong though im not truly alone I have friends here.
So to wrap this up as it’s getting long and im starting to ramble. I’m doing ok I will be fine, just time is all that I need. Time to take the pieces, piece by piece and piece together myself.
I am the eternal sailor senshi, born of truth love and justice.
Noel
In the still of the moment from the time that it happened till now, I have been nothing more than strong. My tears have fallen on deaf ears and the flame of love turned to a flame of anguish ever so quickly. It’s not like I didn’t have the time to cry, I just couldn’t. I wouldn’t let myself I couldn’t let something like this wreck me. I did what I know how to do best; look out for myself.
Within that time frame I had the support of friends and family as I found a new way, a new routine from what I had known before. It was lonely but I persevered I knew that better times would be ahead, and I knew that I would be my whole self again. Things take time; I can’t just slap on a band aide and say that everything is ok. I’m still hurt inside really hurt to be honest, but in this hurt I have found something that I didn’t really think I would have. Myself.
Shocked at what I had not felt for a long time, I began to play with the idea that “hey, I feel like me again”. It’s not like I wasn’t myself before I just felt that I was not truly who I was. Always felt like I had to be pleasing like I always had to be on, that if I stepped outside the lines I would know about it. It felt like everything quarters it was something new that I wasn’t doing right. Quarters turned into every two weeks and soon everything just got out of hand.
Unable to persuade me enough into what I should have been to what I was, the love turned slowly into despises and I felt like I couldn’t do enough. In the deepest part of my soul I knew that I wasn’t able to do this, I knew that things would only get worse yet I continued. If there is one thing that I will learn from all this it’s that love isn’t always enough. I feel like I was blinded by love, not being able to step away and say OK, is this really working?
Now that im left here with all the pieces im just looking at life as a whole. I know that this didn’t wreck me but it left me with a lot of questions. For once in my life I wasn’t playing in the sandbox with another person. I learned to love and a lot about relationships. Especially the sting that they leave when finished. I may have something that I had long lost but I lost something that was still new. C’est le via.
I knew that this might happen; it was part of the equation when I moved here. I kick myself in the ass now for the fact that I left Vancouver. I want to go back I really do, rather I would prefer to be anywhere but here right now. Maybe im looking for the past comfort I had before. But the truth is, I’m alone now like I was in the begging shall it be in the end. Don’t get me wrong though im not truly alone I have friends here.
So to wrap this up as it’s getting long and im starting to ramble. I’m doing ok I will be fine, just time is all that I need. Time to take the pieces, piece by piece and piece together myself.
I am the eternal sailor senshi, born of truth love and justice.
Noel