.001
so there's this problem that i've been thinking on lately. and for once, it has nothing to do with derivatives or limits, but with me. and i fall into this heavy thought of what ifs, and think to myself of how much i fear growing old. i'll be twenty in 4 months and 19 days, and i miss being 14. i miss growing up and i miss high school, still. The past twenty years have been spent learning, and beginning to know myself, but i still feel like there are parts that i don't. sometimes, i slip into those parts, and that's when i begin to lose my sense of what's real, and what isn't.
maybe i'm just crazy, though.
i hallucinate, and i lose myself to fits of laughter, during which i say things that i don't mean, nor that i can recall ever having said. it feels like a deep plunge into some abyss where i know not of how to get out, and my mind unravels upon itself.. does that sound normal to you?
Welcome to Connecticut, this state rolls in hills of blue and golden sunsets. It's in the center of everything and nothing, nowhere. There's eventually some ominous presense of some titanic blue horizon, within which lurks some unimaginable depth.. There is a light smog in the air that lingers over faces and crowds. And I know, no one. I have met, maybe a handful of people. But, this is just turning back to the way things were before I destroyed everything I ever knew and loved in my life. Times when I would sit alone in corners of the library to study without being disturbed. Days that I would spend exploring, with no company save for ghosts of my past and memories. Hours wasted on treadmills leading to nowhere, but I continue to run anyways.
The educational system is precisely the same, except that I am smarter than I was back then and have a better idea of what I want. Though, for the past x-amount of years, people have asked me what I want to do with my life and I've always given the same answer, it's much clearer now. Set back in a valley, between two voluminous rolling hills of greenery and beyond is the city skyline. You can see the airport lights from where we are. You can hear the hum of the engine rumble through the evening.
I Love him, I do. I know because there are nights we spend tangled between the sheets whispering of our passions for one another, and I cry. I break down, repeatedly, over how much I adore him and how i'm trying to be a better person.. My name is Rachel Remsbecker. I've never been afraid of anything like I am now. I've never been afraid to lose someone before, but, there is him. And every day that we spend together, I cling to moments in hopes that maybe they will linger, but, even when time slows down.. It always manages to catch up with itself sooner or later.
I'm nervous.. I don't ever want to break again like I did back then. I don't ever want to feel that again. As if someone knocked me down, and ripped the very spine off my back, leaving my ribcage to collapse. Gasping for breath.. Laughing, laughing. 'Are you laughing?' No. That's the very last thing I was doing.
It's like, I've been having flashback memories lately. And it's good, but it hurts.
Sometimes you have to do something that you really don't want to, in order for things to get better. In order for any sort of transcendence, there are sacrifices that must be made.
maybe i'm just crazy, though.
i hallucinate, and i lose myself to fits of laughter, during which i say things that i don't mean, nor that i can recall ever having said. it feels like a deep plunge into some abyss where i know not of how to get out, and my mind unravels upon itself.. does that sound normal to you?
Welcome to Connecticut, this state rolls in hills of blue and golden sunsets. It's in the center of everything and nothing, nowhere. There's eventually some ominous presense of some titanic blue horizon, within which lurks some unimaginable depth.. There is a light smog in the air that lingers over faces and crowds. And I know, no one. I have met, maybe a handful of people. But, this is just turning back to the way things were before I destroyed everything I ever knew and loved in my life. Times when I would sit alone in corners of the library to study without being disturbed. Days that I would spend exploring, with no company save for ghosts of my past and memories. Hours wasted on treadmills leading to nowhere, but I continue to run anyways.
The educational system is precisely the same, except that I am smarter than I was back then and have a better idea of what I want. Though, for the past x-amount of years, people have asked me what I want to do with my life and I've always given the same answer, it's much clearer now. Set back in a valley, between two voluminous rolling hills of greenery and beyond is the city skyline. You can see the airport lights from where we are. You can hear the hum of the engine rumble through the evening.
I Love him, I do. I know because there are nights we spend tangled between the sheets whispering of our passions for one another, and I cry. I break down, repeatedly, over how much I adore him and how i'm trying to be a better person.. My name is Rachel Remsbecker. I've never been afraid of anything like I am now. I've never been afraid to lose someone before, but, there is him. And every day that we spend together, I cling to moments in hopes that maybe they will linger, but, even when time slows down.. It always manages to catch up with itself sooner or later.
I'm nervous.. I don't ever want to break again like I did back then. I don't ever want to feel that again. As if someone knocked me down, and ripped the very spine off my back, leaving my ribcage to collapse. Gasping for breath.. Laughing, laughing. 'Are you laughing?' No. That's the very last thing I was doing.
It's like, I've been having flashback memories lately. And it's good, but it hurts.
Sometimes you have to do something that you really don't want to, in order for things to get better. In order for any sort of transcendence, there are sacrifices that must be made.