(no subject)
I don't know how to do this anymore, I don't know how to be around certain people or talk to people. I have been too far removed from everything to know how to tell when people truly give a shit and when they couldn't care less and only want me around for a temporary distraction. There are so few days that I get to do things for me, to get to spend time doing the fun things...on the weekends I am stuck in a call center, taking calls and fixing other peoples problems for 13 hours a day, not getting to really spend time with people i like or know...then i come home and I am supposed to have 4 days where I am online to rp with whoever wants to, to talk to whoever wants to and as of late that hasn't been happening i took this horrible shittastic shift so that I could be around for certain things, so i could be a part of everything that was going on because no one was ever around on the weekends, now thats the only time anyone is around and I am alone.
It seems like everything is my fault. To my roommate his being sore is my fault, his losing his job is my fault, his daughter throwing fits is my fault. To my mom her stress is my fault, the general state of her bank account is my fault, anything that goes wrong is my fault and others just blame me for their bad days and their bad moods and their days going from good to bad. Okay so since everyone already blames me maybe I should take on the blame for the war in the middle east, and the ozone layer and hey why don't you blame me for the financial crisis, my mom blames me for hers so hey i'll take on the whole damn world too.
I am just tired, tired of fighting, tired of being sick, tired of being broke. I want for once to get something for myself, to get what i am promised and get to for once have a good day. It has been almost 3 years since i have taken knife to skin but if anything is going to drive me to it...well I guess it doesn't matter does it.
i'm out.
It seems like everything is my fault. To my roommate his being sore is my fault, his losing his job is my fault, his daughter throwing fits is my fault. To my mom her stress is my fault, the general state of her bank account is my fault, anything that goes wrong is my fault and others just blame me for their bad days and their bad moods and their days going from good to bad. Okay so since everyone already blames me maybe I should take on the blame for the war in the middle east, and the ozone layer and hey why don't you blame me for the financial crisis, my mom blames me for hers so hey i'll take on the whole damn world too.
I am just tired, tired of fighting, tired of being sick, tired of being broke. I want for once to get something for myself, to get what i am promised and get to for once have a good day. It has been almost 3 years since i have taken knife to skin but if anything is going to drive me to it...well I guess it doesn't matter does it.
i'm out.