Parallel
You are waking up in your childhood room, in the bed you grew up in. Today is a new day full of possibility and intrigue. The sounds and the sights are all memorable because they were the ones that your senses know the best. This morning you awake into the most comfortable place you know.....but it wasn't always this place.
The problem is that nothing is comfortable, nothing is possible for you anymore. You cannot see these things because you are blinded by a cloud of despair. You are made deaf by the crashing thunder of your own heartbreak. And you know that you are waking up this morning thousands of miles away from me because I decided you could not be the main focus of my life anymore.
No matter how much unnecessary guilt is heaped on me, I understand you chose to leave everything down here in San Diego. But it doesn't make it easier. It doesn't help the healing process. I will always know I lied to myself about who I was which in turn allowed me to lie to you. I don't know when this pain will subside. When the unnecessary guilt will stop choking me.
Every time I hear your name or see something that associates a memory to us, I will feel the sharp pain shoot through my heart. Because as confident as I am in my decision that we cannot be together, I still care about you. About your well being, about how you're doing. But I can't ask you, or call you, or write you a letter. I can't do the things that I need to do to make me feel right as a person because those things will just lead you on. They will instill this idea that I still might be able to provide something that I cannot. I tell this to the people who I know will tell me to shut up and move on because as cliche as it sounds, it's the only play. You have to. Or else you get stuck in this swamp of self-loathing and self-pity. I just want to stop thinking, to stop talking myself to death in my own mind. Because that's all I do. And it will be the end of me if I continue to do so with every step I take.
So now we have these doors set out before us. We can make a decision and walk through one of them or we can just stay in this place of indecision. For that's what I have done my whole life and it has brought me here. I pray for you everyday hoping you will be able to find someone who can give you what I could not. Who will give you what you deserve, for you should have received it along time ago. I am not sorry for what I took away from you, it was not that much anyways. I am only sorry for what I could not give you since I showed you and did not let you have it. One of the worst things someone can do to another is show them a glimpse of the life they think they want and then take it away from them in an instant.
It's harder to go to sleep now a days....
The problem is that nothing is comfortable, nothing is possible for you anymore. You cannot see these things because you are blinded by a cloud of despair. You are made deaf by the crashing thunder of your own heartbreak. And you know that you are waking up this morning thousands of miles away from me because I decided you could not be the main focus of my life anymore.
No matter how much unnecessary guilt is heaped on me, I understand you chose to leave everything down here in San Diego. But it doesn't make it easier. It doesn't help the healing process. I will always know I lied to myself about who I was which in turn allowed me to lie to you. I don't know when this pain will subside. When the unnecessary guilt will stop choking me.
Every time I hear your name or see something that associates a memory to us, I will feel the sharp pain shoot through my heart. Because as confident as I am in my decision that we cannot be together, I still care about you. About your well being, about how you're doing. But I can't ask you, or call you, or write you a letter. I can't do the things that I need to do to make me feel right as a person because those things will just lead you on. They will instill this idea that I still might be able to provide something that I cannot. I tell this to the people who I know will tell me to shut up and move on because as cliche as it sounds, it's the only play. You have to. Or else you get stuck in this swamp of self-loathing and self-pity. I just want to stop thinking, to stop talking myself to death in my own mind. Because that's all I do. And it will be the end of me if I continue to do so with every step I take.
So now we have these doors set out before us. We can make a decision and walk through one of them or we can just stay in this place of indecision. For that's what I have done my whole life and it has brought me here. I pray for you everyday hoping you will be able to find someone who can give you what I could not. Who will give you what you deserve, for you should have received it along time ago. I am not sorry for what I took away from you, it was not that much anyways. I am only sorry for what I could not give you since I showed you and did not let you have it. One of the worst things someone can do to another is show them a glimpse of the life they think they want and then take it away from them in an instant.
It's harder to go to sleep now a days....