(no subject)
the vivid torpedo of emotions that i call my life remains to be a constant. i am in no position to worry, to hyperventilate, to underappreciate, nor to talk shit and complain - but i continue to be the hassle in someone elses hands. i am incapable of being dependant upon myself, and i do not know why. the boy whom has given me more reason to smile and more love than ive ever been victim to before is who i revolve my sense of happiness and despression around. i know that he loves me, and god do i know i love him, but i have never been in a position to trust before. he is real, he is honest, and he is full of life - and all i want to do is to embrace it. but as much of my time as i spend laughing and loving with him, i cant help but waste hours and hours of my life thinking that it cant be real. that this cant be happening to me. that i dont deserve this - i dont deserve him. but it is real. i still get weak in the knees when i see him. i still get butterflies in my stomach when he kisses me. i still want to spend all of my time sitting and cuddling and talking and sleeping with him. but i DO NOT UNDERSTAND how i found him, how i met him, how we clicked so perfectly, how he asked me to be with him, how he can tell me he loves me, how he can want to spend his time with a girl like me. i have grown so accustomed to putting up a guard and giving up on everyone and everything when something goes wrong - because something going wrong has always implied that the ripple effect was indeed in place - and that i had no option but to say goodbye and throw it all away. but i trust that this is different. i pray that this is different.
"i love you cuteness adorable love of my lifeeeeee
i wont leave you ever
i love you so much
i dont want to lose youuu"
why cant anything ever suffice. i feel so greedy, so needy, so helpless. i want it all sometimes, and even though i know nothing is ever perfect and that nobody can ever have the world, i want it. i want to have it with him. i want the away messages, the IMs, the text messages, the emails, the phone calls, the kisses, the cuddles. but not only do i want them, i want them all the time. every day, all day. this is in no way intentional. but i have never had this before - and i understand to the fullest the importance and necessity of reciprocity. but i make sure to do anything and everything in my power to make sure he has everything he needs and has a smile on his face. i will openly admit to the fact that i have had many a greedy moment in my lifetime. i have cheated, lied, stolen, and hidden. but with him, and with the help of him, i believe now that i am selfless, so willing to give, and the first person to help. i do not care about me, all i care about is him. i want HIM to smile, i want HIM to be happy, i want HIM to be comfortable, and i want HIM to have all the love in the world. i dont need any of it. i want to give it all to him.
the nicole that used to walk the streets of westwood, sneak out of houses, lie, cheat my way through as much as possible... has grown up. she is no longer the same nicole.
i am no longer the same nicole.
"you are the friendliest person on this planet"
boy, do i hope people can see that now. i hope my past is behind me and that some people see even a sliver of what he tells me he sees in me. i really do hope so.
"i love you cuteness adorable love of my lifeeeeee
i wont leave you ever
i love you so much
i dont want to lose youuu"
why cant anything ever suffice. i feel so greedy, so needy, so helpless. i want it all sometimes, and even though i know nothing is ever perfect and that nobody can ever have the world, i want it. i want to have it with him. i want the away messages, the IMs, the text messages, the emails, the phone calls, the kisses, the cuddles. but not only do i want them, i want them all the time. every day, all day. this is in no way intentional. but i have never had this before - and i understand to the fullest the importance and necessity of reciprocity. but i make sure to do anything and everything in my power to make sure he has everything he needs and has a smile on his face. i will openly admit to the fact that i have had many a greedy moment in my lifetime. i have cheated, lied, stolen, and hidden. but with him, and with the help of him, i believe now that i am selfless, so willing to give, and the first person to help. i do not care about me, all i care about is him. i want HIM to smile, i want HIM to be happy, i want HIM to be comfortable, and i want HIM to have all the love in the world. i dont need any of it. i want to give it all to him.
the nicole that used to walk the streets of westwood, sneak out of houses, lie, cheat my way through as much as possible... has grown up. she is no longer the same nicole.
i am no longer the same nicole.
"you are the friendliest person on this planet"
boy, do i hope people can see that now. i hope my past is behind me and that some people see even a sliver of what he tells me he sees in me. i really do hope so.