MOST AMAZING WORDS EVER SPOKEN. love, nicole.
Dear Alcohol,
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend,
you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a
beer at the pub, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside
chocolates warming us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family
gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions.
While I want to believe that you may have my best interests at heart, I feel
that your influence has led to some unwise consequences.
1. Phone calls:
While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the
suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after
2AM. Why would you make me a call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I
know for a fact that they do not want to hear from me during the day, let
alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating:
Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab
with chili sauce, along with stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off
with a Kit Kat after a few Doritos & chili dip)? I'm an eclectic eater, but
I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness:
Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to
improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to
fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that
appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it
should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the
lock.
4. Furthermore:
The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little
penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 4PM
hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask
that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor
with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere
with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to
ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I
just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to
continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances
above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than
Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can
continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your Biggest Fan
P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive - aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend,
you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a
beer at the pub, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside
chocolates warming us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family
gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions.
While I want to believe that you may have my best interests at heart, I feel
that your influence has led to some unwise consequences.
1. Phone calls:
While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the
suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after
2AM. Why would you make me a call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I
know for a fact that they do not want to hear from me during the day, let
alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating:
Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab
with chili sauce, along with stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off
with a Kit Kat after a few Doritos & chili dip)? I'm an eclectic eater, but
I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness:
Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to
improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to
fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that
appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it
should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the
lock.
4. Furthermore:
The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little
penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 4PM
hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask
that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor
with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere
with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to
ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I
just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to
continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances
above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than
Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can
continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your Biggest Fan
P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive - aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.