aw hell i'm in New England and depressed, AGAIN.
I was laying on the couch awkwardly wet and shirtless when Emily and Janna came in the living room. I had just thrown a mug of water on my lap, causing me to take off my blue tank top. I was in long gym pants, a wet lap and a cheerful purple bra. I had just filled the newly-empty mug with box o' wine and left the spigot running, which Korin laughingly hastened to stop. I heard them coming down the hall and was tryinta lean back and look casual but my heart was pounding and my skin was clammy and cold. They poked their heads in at first, and upon sighting the grisly scene stepped all the way in and stood and looked. I was tryinta play it cool but I was a fucking wreck seeing them together again & again & again & I snapped at the two, who in turn looked repulsed and nonplussed, respectively, and left together for dinner. I sat frozen for one minute, totally tense and on edge, then curled up on the couch with a huge dark blue pillow. i bit it and closed my eyes tight and cried some hot silent tears and gasped furios painful breaths.
you'd think this was the first time something like this happened but it's not and you'd think i'd do something about being such a mess but i don't really and what i do doesn't help for long. Depression is the most selfish disease you can get i think. Fuck if i don't hate everyone and everything and yet simultaneously expect everyone and everything to save me and it doesn't. Ever. I feel ok right now cause i don't feel anything.
you'd think this was the first time something like this happened but it's not and you'd think i'd do something about being such a mess but i don't really and what i do doesn't help for long. Depression is the most selfish disease you can get i think. Fuck if i don't hate everyone and everything and yet simultaneously expect everyone and everything to save me and it doesn't. Ever. I feel ok right now cause i don't feel anything.