Clearly Ambiguous
Things have been progressing quite well. When I was a younger, I used to think that the bringing of a new year would also bring change. I don't believe that anymore, change doesn't base itself on due dates and deadlines.
Lately, I've been occupying my time rather productively. I've been reading a lot actually. I've finished one book and started another. The first book was really cool, my neighbor let me borrow it. It made me think a lot, mostly about if everything is somehow intertwined. It makes me look at the world in a little bit different light. I often wonder about the Soul of the World and about what the universe can conspire for our own personal legends. It offers hope, I've realized. I enjoy that.
The second book mostly deals with human relationships. Written by a psychiatrist, I'm intruiged by how the author views his clients as they deal with change. Some day I hope to do the same, I'd really like to listen to people and help them figure themselves out. Eventually, I'd really enjoy writing a fictional book based on the real life conversations I've heard. I think the world might listen.
I've been documenting a lot of the changes I'm continuous undergoing. I cut my hair a little shorter, not spikey short, but still a bit shaggy. I haven't decided if I like it yet. At least my ears get more exposure, I don't know if that's important yet. I stopped working out for a while, but I started again tonight. It just feels good to be in shape. I've been having really good vibes lately, however I've been reexamining some parts of me in making sense of myself.
The book I'm reading is making me question a few things. For instance, I really used to consider myself a romantic. It was a concept that fascinated me and at times still does. I've been talking to a friend that wishes her boyfriend were more romantic. She loves to hear stories. I think it warms her heart, but at the same time, exploits a very small but sharp void. I want to help her situation more, I think she'll like a helping hand. At least, she has asked for one. I think the times I've felt most alive are when I was doing something even remotely romantic, but then I started to second guess this thought. I think what really made me feel alive was performing the unexpected. What a rush. Giving a simple surprise that could just make someone smile. It was always about how to outdo myself the next time. It was fun. But I think I'm starting to replace those thoughts with other things, things that will benefit me a lot more for the time being. I don't consider it a dead side of me at all, but I've definately put it on the shelf until the unexpected beckons me. Somehow, it never collects dust.
Also, I've been working more and more at the store. With little offtime, I'm learning the meaning of using my offtime productively. When I'm not snowboarding, I'm usually writing music. I'm working on a song right now. It reminds me of a few nights in high school. Sometimes I'd wake up for no reason (almost always at 2am) and just want to look out my living room window for any sign of anyone doing the same. My neighbors must have slept better than I did, but the wet street from the dew of the morning was enough to get me by. I'm glad I remember that.
I hope this song is a good one, but I don't yet know why I'm writing it. Most of my playing lately has been a lot of fun. It's funny, my audience is mostly via telephone these days, though I'll stop by tavie's house for an occasional performance. The song I play most is still without a title, but it seems to be everyone's favorite so far. It made me happy to see it in effect when Lauren called. I'm glad it works. It works on me to some extent, the ringing isn't as bad. In fact I rarely hear it these days, but that's aside from why I wrote it. Regardless, the song will have to settle for my ears for now. I still enjoy playing for myself.
