panic attack
a mild panic attack, not at all like the ones I had growing up where I'd choke and my heart would stop. But I'm thinking about a life without her, and it's getting to me. I think my mind is going. My brain is melting away. I just found out I'm 11,129 days old, today, and I can safely say 11,000 of those nights I've slept alone in bed. While I laid there shivering and trembling I realized that it's been 6 years, six whole years since she first did this to me. 3 years ago I had her talking to me, and then nothing, then her boyfriends and everything else caught up with her life. 6 years and I'm back in the same spot I was. Just older and fatter, hungrier and colder, poorer and weaker. Less cute. I should have died at 29 or younger. Now it's just pathetic, and I can save face if I do it at 30 and not 31. I would die HAPPILY at 30 if half of those years could have been spent in the arms of a girl, and half of those nights I wouldn't have to go to bed alone and cold. I should have done something, and married her young, at 17 or 18 or whatever, so she wouldn't have done what she did, and turned away from me all those times. She was always the only one for me. I know she's set on living a life without me in it, by the way she's kept her silence over the years. I think I might finalize that. My mind is gone, I'm really set on doing this thing. I'd do it tonight if I didn't want to square away things with Jamie for March's rent. Once I get a check in, I'll be able to leave and she'll have enough time to find a new roommate and things will be settled.
Jim called, I have to call him back. This weekend I went over to Derek's, and we actually watched some good movies in between the new shit that's always pretty bad. For once, there were some that weren't that bad. Trying to give people an education in American cinema is a lost cause. Not just Derek, but anyone really. People are less interested in art and more interested in entertainment. Everything seems to be a lost cause. Since I've started War & Peace I've had this feeling I wasn't going to finish it. It's actually a pretty easy read, nothing really deep so far and I'm 150 pages in, out of 1,100. War & Peace is a lost cause. I'll learn all about the Grand Armee's attack on Russia, and the Russians routing them out and delivering them to the Duke of Wellington (so to speak), and whatever else. It's not really important, none of it will be in a month or so. I still need to get a job so I can pay back debts I owe, and my one lead keeps stalling on me. I called back the pizza job and they told me for some reason the background check is really slow, so I should call back in a week. They told me this last week. I called my Sony job again and they're telling me March or April. They said next month last month, and the same thing before that. I still keep applying online to different places but nothing ever comes out of it. I'm down to $5 cash and $3 in a checking account. I don't have gas to go applying and dropping off resumes again. And it doesn't matter. It won't amount to anything, just like me.
I would have turned 1 BILLION seconds old on May 12th, 2012.