Something For You To See In Me
Neurotic...
Thats what I am. A man who hugs against one extreme or the other. I have to have finality. I have to have an end result. Specifically when it comes to females. I have to be kissed or slapped in the face persay. I think this type of behavoir stems from low self-esteem and a faultered identity structure. I'm not sure exactly I'm still studying.
Studying myself is the only way I can avoid using medication. It eases my towering anxeity (not sure if I spelled that right) and helps me put things in a better focus. I do it by recalling passed memories with women. Not just their looks or their attitudes, but their aura, their emotional nuances and reactions to the things I said. The way they kissed me and how I kissed them in comparison to other women. I pretty much jump in my own brain and turn into Sherlock Holmes in attempt to find patterns between my mistakes and glories so I can map out current decisions. It takes a ton of time and I usually feel emotional and mentally fatigued afterwards. My fears, wants, and desires all stem around me figuring out why I end up where I end up. Some of you might think this is crazy. You might even comment back asking me how I can do this to myself. Theres lots of reasons why I do it but I'll only cover a couple.
1. I never want to go back to medicine. The side-effects of my last trip down the "Anti-Depressaint Road" left me with nightmares too vivid to consider just dreams.
2. Overwhelming fear that I won't be here too much longer. This one should have its own separate post entirely, but I just wanna say that years of reaccuring nightmares and dark feelings have pushed me into a corner that I can't climb out of.
3. Visons of Gradure and a unique psycosis. Yeah I could just be crazy. All the things of my fucked up child hood could have come together without me knowing it. All the comic books and action movies, my own stories and lies, bleek daymares and imaginary escapades can all be leading me to beat myself up in hopes that it'll mean something bigger and better one day. When all I have to look forward to is a regular life with 2.5 kids and a slow death at age 86.
I have no idea. But I can tell you that events and people have a way of coming around full circle. Everything happens for a reason and this domino set we call life has a meaning. Maybe one day I can sit down and talk with some of you on my findings. Take care fam. Peace
Thats what I am. A man who hugs against one extreme or the other. I have to have finality. I have to have an end result. Specifically when it comes to females. I have to be kissed or slapped in the face persay. I think this type of behavoir stems from low self-esteem and a faultered identity structure. I'm not sure exactly I'm still studying.
Studying myself is the only way I can avoid using medication. It eases my towering anxeity (not sure if I spelled that right) and helps me put things in a better focus. I do it by recalling passed memories with women. Not just their looks or their attitudes, but their aura, their emotional nuances and reactions to the things I said. The way they kissed me and how I kissed them in comparison to other women. I pretty much jump in my own brain and turn into Sherlock Holmes in attempt to find patterns between my mistakes and glories so I can map out current decisions. It takes a ton of time and I usually feel emotional and mentally fatigued afterwards. My fears, wants, and desires all stem around me figuring out why I end up where I end up. Some of you might think this is crazy. You might even comment back asking me how I can do this to myself. Theres lots of reasons why I do it but I'll only cover a couple.
1. I never want to go back to medicine. The side-effects of my last trip down the "Anti-Depressaint Road" left me with nightmares too vivid to consider just dreams.
2. Overwhelming fear that I won't be here too much longer. This one should have its own separate post entirely, but I just wanna say that years of reaccuring nightmares and dark feelings have pushed me into a corner that I can't climb out of.
3. Visons of Gradure and a unique psycosis. Yeah I could just be crazy. All the things of my fucked up child hood could have come together without me knowing it. All the comic books and action movies, my own stories and lies, bleek daymares and imaginary escapades can all be leading me to beat myself up in hopes that it'll mean something bigger and better one day. When all I have to look forward to is a regular life with 2.5 kids and a slow death at age 86.
I have no idea. But I can tell you that events and people have a way of coming around full circle. Everything happens for a reason and this domino set we call life has a meaning. Maybe one day I can sit down and talk with some of you on my findings. Take care fam. Peace