My brain~~~~ is gone~~~!
So yeah. Some randomness, because it's been a while. Soooo....yeah. Some serious, some not, some just...randomly insane. XD I have a feeling this will get rather long, as well...
First up--corrospondence! 1. I really need to actually read the letter Chace sent me, and write a reply. The guilt... 2. I keep meaning to e-mail Tina...gotta do that...*headdesk* Curse my chronic procrastination, forgetfullness, and laziness! 3. Erm...I don't think there WAS a three. Oh well, never mind.
Second--gynocological exams suck, but less than I expected. Still--DAMN it's really uncomfortable to have someone stick their fingers up your vagina. Ugh.
Third--my dad is kinda getting on my nerves. I mean...okay, this will sound stupid, but it's actually a rather serious thing to me, so please don't think it's totally ridiculous. To me, certain sounds aren't just irritating or distracting--they're actively uncomfortable. Painful in a non-pain way is about as well as I know how to describe it. It's like being attacked my sounds. It isn't always what you'd think it would be--some sounds that really annoy other people, I don't even notice. But things like vacuums and blenders...they're terrifyingly loud. Lawn mowers, too--even with ear plugs in, it's terrible to mow the lawn. Your brain just shuts down and goes into 'escape' mode, all you can think about is getting away from the source of the pain, just like if something was hitting you or whatever. But small sounds are trouble, too--the tiny sounds of people chewing and swallowing, for example. For me, eating with other people is a nightmare. Sometimes--depending on the individuals and the ambient noise, sometimes background noise helps drown it out--it's not so bad. But sometimes, especially in a relatively quiet environment like, say, my table at home, it's hell. I mean it sounds childish and stupid, but really, it's just...I start seriously fantasizing about plunging my fork into my ears until I've destroyed the eardrums and can't hear any more. I start wondering whether being deaf would be worth it, if it meant I would never have to deal with these things again. It's that bad. But my dad just says I'm being over-dramatic and in the real world I'll have to deal with these things and I just have to get over it.
But he really doesn't understand. I ALREADY deal with all of this ALL THE TIME. In my own home, at least, I want to feel like I'm safe. Like there's at least one place I can retreat to when it gets too bad. Like there's at least one refuge for me in a world that often seems very hostile. But instead, because he feels like, if he does as many of the things that bother me as possible, I'll get over it, he makes home as hostile as everywhere else. In my own room, at least, I feel safe...but of course my mother occassionally wanders up and is all 'let's do cleaning stuff lol!' and I hate that, because the presence of another person in my normally just-me space makes me feel closed in, like I'm suffocating. So, I end up feeling on edge whenever anyone else is at home, because I know that at any time, my precious safe space could be invaded, and I'll once again be subjected to the attacks of a world that isn't harmful to anyone else. Which is...kinda tiring.
And my parents wonder why I never want to go anywhere and why I spend so much time up in my room. It's the only place I feel really safe and secure, and at least somewhat able to relax. I like going for walks by myself, as well--at college, I liked going for walks around campus, in places where no one was around. At night, mostly. My parents keep telling me to NEVER EVER go ANYWHERE alone, but that's kinda not actually possible. AT ALL. I mean...seriously. Not possible. It's a safe campus in a safe town, and I'm careful never to go so far that I couldn't easily reach help if I needed it, but honestly, my parents' continual warnings about all of the ZOMG DANGER everywhere in the entire world have not helped my OCD-related paranoia. I mean honestly. It's kind of exhausting to be always on guard for something terrible to happen, even when I KNOW it's perfectly safe. In its own way, it's just as time-consuming and annoying as tics and checks and compulsions. It's just less noticeable, is all.
But yeah, it's really getting on my nerves. I can't help the way I am. I tried to explain to my dad once that I'm never going to just 'get used to it'. I told him that, if I sat next to him and repeatedly poked him in the arm with a pin for a few hours, he might become resigned to it, but he'd never just stop feeling the pain, and he'd never become a-okay with it. But because these things aren't painful for him, he assumes that I'll just get over it. I'm sorry if I'm not the child he wanted, but I am what I am. I can't change what I am, so I have to play the cards I was dealt, you know? I just have to keep going forward as best I can.
I just wish that my family, at the very least, wouldn't make things harder than they already are. I deal with enough stuff in the 'real world' that I'd rather not have to go through it at home, too.
On a related note, I really wish my mother would stop bringing up food/health/calories/nutrition/etc. at every possible opportunity. I GET IT ALREADY. I KNOW that I'm overweight and out of shape. Bringing it to my attention over and over will not radically change my behaviors. It just makes me feel self-conscious and miserable. I've had an unhealthy relationship with food for years because my mother has the rather bizarre and unhealthy habit of declaring more-healthy food choices to be 'good' and less-healthy ones to be 'bad'. As in, 'I'm being good today' if she eats something healthy. Attaching the moral qualities 'good' and 'bad' to food is illogical--food is inanimate, and therefore not able to be good or bad. It might be more or less healthy, but it is not good or bad. And associating goodness and badness with the foods you eat only leads to extremely unhealthy behaviors and feelings of low self-worth. It's setting yourself up for failure. Also, saying 'that'll be good exercise!' every time I want to go for a walk or something FOR FUN doesn't make me more aware, it just makes me feel self-conscious and miserable, and then I don't want to do it anymore, I want to go sit by myself in my room and try to feel better by maybe reading a book or something. YOU ARE NOT HELPING. Honestly, it's really not. I've struggled with feelings of self-hatred and worthlessness for years because my mother taught me that food choices were related to 'good' and 'bad'--and if you follow that train of thought, that means being unhealthy makes you a bad person. This is not a healthy way to live. I've felt happier and more confident since deciding that food is FOOD, not a measuring stick of anything, and I feel that this more rational view actually makes it EASIER to eat healthily, because I know longer get tied up in guilt, self-loathing, and shame every time I eat a meal. Seriously, it's a terrible way to live. I think it's much better to just say 'food is fuel for my body. Some of it is healthier than others, some of it is downright dangerous (like...drugs or whatever), but what I eat doesn't make me good or bad, it's just what I eat.' Then, having freed yourself from the emotional and moral connotations you had made with food, you can make more objective, rational eating decisions. It's better psychologically, I feel it's better physically, as well. You end up eating only when you're hungry, for example, because you've dissociated food from things like boredom, sadness, rewards, etc. However, my mother has a tendency to continually reinforce these associations, which is not helpful to me AT ALL when I'm trying to create a healthier lifestyle so I can get fit and have more energy, so I can give things my best effort and feel more energetic and all. It's hella annoying, and if I try to TELL her this, she just gets all angry and defensive. It's really annoying and frustrating. Which is why I like college, because it's just like...I eat what I eat. If I'm not hungry, I don't eat. If I am hungry, I eat. And that's that. Whatever. I can get away from the emotional baggage.
So yeah. Also! I think that this year, we should film a movie (me and my friends at college, I mean). For no real reason, I just think it'd be cool. *laughs* This occurred to me while watching the official music video for the Linkin Park song 'Breaking the Habit' on youtube. Yeah. So...yeah, I'm kinda random, I know. *laughs* Anyway, I think it should be set in a dystopian, high-tech future, starring Kori as a genetically altered part-cat. 'cause she has the cat ears already. ...yes, I realize how little sense that makes. But it sounds kinda cool...there could be cool chase scenes! And she could be like 'slash attack! critical hit! it's super-effective!' ...okay I'll stop the Pokemon references. *laughs* But anyway I think it would be cool. *laughs* So...yeah, I'm just being random. But it could be cool...! Not sure what the actual PLOT would be, though...some kind of...escaping from the evil scientists/government type thing. Fighting an evil entity. Something. Maybe like Final Fantasy VII, except not! ...yeah...I've never even played that game, actually...^_^;;;; But anyway, video game movies are cool. I don't mean movies based on video games, I mean movies that are made as if they were a video game. With like...leveling up and random encounters and stuff. They're mostly parody-ish, but there's room for serious moments as well! The villain would be...like...a robot-monster-thingy! Yeah! And...and the evil group would be trying to unleash the Genesis Engine! And Kori would escape from their evil experiments to use her mysterious genetically-altered-cat-person powers to stop them! Gaining party members along the way! Hrm, would need a healer...and a magic-user. Hrm. I suppose Tika could be the magic-user, and go all 'bahamut!' at the Genesis Engine. And...hrm...who'd be a good healer...? Well, obviously my idea is insanely vague and sketchy...BUT IT COULD BE COOL! And random encounters with squirrels! It would rock, man...it would rock. ...well, I think it would...*laughs*
Aaaaaand...hrm...what else...? I wrote a poem...did I post it already? I'm not sure if I did...I feel like I did...eh, I can always check later and then edit it into this post...
Also! Going back to college on...the 30th, I think. It'll be back to school again soon...this year, I want to get a good job on campus! I gotta be a go-getter and find one...but the truth is...I really don't know the first thing about searching for a job...I'm afraid I just never learned that...I mean, how do you find a job on-campus? For a non-campus job, I'd check the classifieds in the newspaper, but...
I was thinking about trying to look for a job at the Knapp center...Kori had a job their last year, and she got training in a lot of computer-related stuff, so I feel like it would be useful work experience...also it's in a library, which is just freaking cool. Because libraries rock. However...I have no idea how to go about seeing if such a job is available, or applying for it! I shall try looking it up on the school's website...if worst comes to worst, I suppose I'll ask Kori about it, but...I hate to bother other people just because I'm kind of a moron...^_^;;; Ahhhh, I need to become more savvy about these things! Oh well, I shall keep going forward and hopefully pick up some skills along the way.
Also: careers! DO I want a career in the IT industry? Or perhaps I'd make a good teacher? Or maybe...psychology!? I AM very interested in that field, and this summer I've read...like...just under 20 psychology-related books in under a month, just for fun. So...is it something that would be worth pursuing as a career? And I DID really enjoy linguistics and I think it's one of THE coolest things EVER, but...is it a possible career? I feel like I don't have enough information to be sure...I gotta learn more about what kind of jobs there are...I dunno, I feel like I'm kinda dumb at all this stuff. It just doesn't seem real to me somehow...because it's still in the future...I dunno. But at least I have possible options.
Oh--and also, in that random possible movie idea...there should be a romance subplot. Hmmmm...it might be kind of strange to write your friends into romantic subplots, though...^_^;;;; Oh well. *laughs* Not that I'll ever actually WRITE the damn thing, or pursue this project at all...I'd feel kinda shy about it, and also I don't have the kind of camera that'd let you put stuff on your computer to edit it. I also don't have video editing software. Soooo...yeah, it's just a pipe dream. Alas! But it's still fun to think about...*laughs*
So...yeah, I feel like that's all I wanted to say...oh, wait, I think I had some stuff to say about my characters...what was it again...? Well...I feel like it was all mostly just random rambling anyway, so I suppose I shall save it for another time. Alas! *laughs* Oh well. Aaaaand...hrm...do I really have nothing else to say...? Oh yeah, there was some other stuff...but now I wonder if I should say it...hmmmm...oh well. So, yeah.
Soooo...man, I thought I had things to actually SAY in this post, but I guess not really....^_^;;;; Oh well.