(no subject)
Almost a year ago today, I witnessed one of the most spectacular lightening storms I'd ever seen. For an hour, I sat glued to windows in that old house, racing up the floors to see if there was a better view somewhere else. It seemed that night that there just was too much electricity, it spilt over into our bodies. Intense energy that had been resisted for so long seemed to need an outlet, a small mortal parallel to the overwhelming spectacle on parade.
For so long i've felt barren. This beautiful land seemingly corresponding with my sensibilities, getting more arid as time has been wearing everything so thin. But now, the world has come together and alignment has returned. The blissful passion for which I think the world should be held has been somehow returned to me, my edges may be sharper but the colours are clearer. When I stepped out for my walk today, I did not stop to think about the clouds, but there was symmetry again. Probably a subconscious indulgent predilection which satisfies my wondrous romantic nature.
As the large spots cut through the molten air, too big for tears, they gave me a fierce joy. I felt guilty that I had been holding the earth to ransom for so long, selfishly hugging what little I felt I had left, cramming it in my brain, choking everything in so that there was no space. No space to think, for process, for passion. That I knew it would return was something not to consider. Not allowed to feel so much when so much sorrow was to be drunk.
The other night I was frustrated and angry and sad. Not feelings I am accustomed to. The tightness wound round and round me and I was just waiting for something to pop, so I could fight someone, tear them to shreds and spit on their ashes. I ranted for a while, went to Phil’s and watched him play Star Wars for hours. I went home to sleep, but ended up driving around. I drove to my primary school, my second primary school, my high school, tafe, uni, all to see where my education stopped and my floating began. Where it all began and where I have ended up. There is a sense of shifting reality when one goes to the past. I sifted through years of memories like they were nothing. Buildings seemed so small, I dwarfed them with my feelings, pitying their insignificance, that they should’ve ever held my fear or doubt. I must of come to some conclusion, as there was quietness and sadness and clarity.
And tonight. As the rain came down for a third memorable time today, I watched another lightening storm, this one in a black and white world with vast sheets of illumination coursing across the darkness. It felt different, it felt new and it felt as ancient as lollipops and hugs and laughter and plates shifting and life. Entropy is a concept to which I hold with great respect. The creation of chaos strengthens the whole. Bitterness will always be there, but so will I.
For so long i've felt barren. This beautiful land seemingly corresponding with my sensibilities, getting more arid as time has been wearing everything so thin. But now, the world has come together and alignment has returned. The blissful passion for which I think the world should be held has been somehow returned to me, my edges may be sharper but the colours are clearer. When I stepped out for my walk today, I did not stop to think about the clouds, but there was symmetry again. Probably a subconscious indulgent predilection which satisfies my wondrous romantic nature.
As the large spots cut through the molten air, too big for tears, they gave me a fierce joy. I felt guilty that I had been holding the earth to ransom for so long, selfishly hugging what little I felt I had left, cramming it in my brain, choking everything in so that there was no space. No space to think, for process, for passion. That I knew it would return was something not to consider. Not allowed to feel so much when so much sorrow was to be drunk.
The other night I was frustrated and angry and sad. Not feelings I am accustomed to. The tightness wound round and round me and I was just waiting for something to pop, so I could fight someone, tear them to shreds and spit on their ashes. I ranted for a while, went to Phil’s and watched him play Star Wars for hours. I went home to sleep, but ended up driving around. I drove to my primary school, my second primary school, my high school, tafe, uni, all to see where my education stopped and my floating began. Where it all began and where I have ended up. There is a sense of shifting reality when one goes to the past. I sifted through years of memories like they were nothing. Buildings seemed so small, I dwarfed them with my feelings, pitying their insignificance, that they should’ve ever held my fear or doubt. I must of come to some conclusion, as there was quietness and sadness and clarity.
And tonight. As the rain came down for a third memorable time today, I watched another lightening storm, this one in a black and white world with vast sheets of illumination coursing across the darkness. It felt different, it felt new and it felt as ancient as lollipops and hugs and laughter and plates shifting and life. Entropy is a concept to which I hold with great respect. The creation of chaos strengthens the whole. Bitterness will always be there, but so will I.