becky, coming to new realizations about her art
because i never update since i started feeling guilty about pouring out my heart about certain people online, i thought i'd use my latest sketchbook entry (i have several sketchbooks where, during high school, i poured out all my rants and obsessions) for livejournal. i actually thought of this towards the end of writing it which kinda screwed me
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it was upstairs at this place in w.chester, and it was such a perfect little jazz club. ok, it could have been a little less upscale, but it was complete with slightly blinking neon sign! blue lights inside and yellow from the street lights pouring in gave everyone in the dark room this greenish glow. it's an L-shaped room, with the band at the bend, so in one part there's the bar and some tables, and the other part is more coffee house like, with a fire. so i sat there sketching the musicians on napkins on my copy of Howl, thinking that this place was nice enough for me to enjoy even though i'd declined pot and clove cigarettes within the hour.
that actually kinda bothers me, that i can't bring myself to try it. like tonight, for example, it was ian, who's a really nice non-threatening guy, and who i'd hung out with before, his 16 year old brother, jennie and i, at ian's house. wouldn't that be the perfect place to try it: among a small group of people i know and trust? and yet once again i automatically turn it down. i never even come close to trying it when it's actually offered to me, and i'm worried that it's because i'm scared.
anyway, when i wake up tomorrow ima watch this Coltrane dvd. night!
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